Deep exhale. Classes are done, house guests gone, dishwasher installed. I can finally hear my thoughts. This may be a disjointed, rabbit-trail mess, but I have a lot on my mind and it starts with an admission.
Twice a day I feel a rush of adrenaline. My hands get sweaty, my heart races. I hold my breath, squeeze my eyes, and...
...open my email.
Crazy, right? Somewhere in the recesses of my mind I think/hope/pray that someone will contact me and ask us to parent her baby. I get many bloggy emails a day and I quickly scan every one to set the tone before I settle in for a hard read. I know it's crazy. But, I can't help it. In the last several months I have been contacted three times by a friend of a friend of a friend that wants to know if we'd parent again.
Nothing ever comes from such emails, but my heart has formed frantic habits.
I'm frustrated by what I feel because it reflects a narrow mind. I don't want to be the girl that cookie-cuts God based on past experiences. But it's difficult. It's difficult to trust God in this area of my life. And it shouldn't be. Not after what I've seen.
I've recently come to realize that the emotions I attach to infertility may never go away. I am over having babies and I don't care about the belly or boob-feeding, but I hate the lack of control. Ben and I are ready to parent again. Right now. I want to be able to make that happen. Whether it's via this country or another country; a newborn or a toddler. I want to plan and "try" and breathe easy for once.
When a girlfriend tells me she's pregnant or trying to get pregnant, I want to rejoice. I want to kill the grumble in my throat and tell it to be happy. But, how can I feel differently? I know my issues are rooted in jealousy, resentment, and bitterness. And I hate it. I don't want to be this person. I don't want to be critical and cynical. But how do I help it?
I feel so two-faced.
All of me loves adoption and knows my place in it. Why can't I just find contentment in God's plan and timing and forget about all the fertile myrtles around me? It doesn't concern me or God's plan for my life.
My desire to make a baby is zero. I love the path we're on. I just wish it was less work.
God has been stirring my heart toward foster care for some time, but thoughts of walking back into the hoop-jumping circus exhaust me.
I cannot, however, ignore the stirs (that are beginning to feel like pushes). I requested information on adopting waiting children through foster care, last week. I know God will continue to hand-pick our family, but man is it scary. The process seems overwhelming and brings more questions than I have answers...
I remind myself that I felt the same way after our first agency meeting. Domestic adoption was unnerving, too. Open adoption terrifying.
And look what God did.
I don't know. I'm feeling so much. Sometimes I'm okay with not adopting a newborn again, but then get sad about giving up all that comes with it...
Then I look through the profiles of waiting kids, read their pleas for a family and know my heart is needed...
This will not be easy.
Having a mother choose her baby's family seems far more natural than a family choosing their child. It doesn't seem right. It's not right. No child should be made to feel like a puppy in a pet store window. I could barely make it through a handful of profiles without weeping.
I don't know what comes next.
I do know that we want Ty to have a brother. Or three or four. A sister, too.
Planning may not be possible, but praying is. So, tonight I'm praying. Praying that God will show us his way...and remove the ugly from my heart.