Friday, September 26, 2008

Day 151

Okay, my adoption friends. Why doesn't this process ever get easier? Why am I busy as a bee, enjoying life, working hard, and studying away...yet there's always one constant thought in my head. When will I finally get to be a mom? Don't get me wrong the constant distraction is good, it's helping me survive. But when the day's done and everyone goes home to their families, it's just Ben and me, eating dinner alone, staring at an empty nursery, picking out names...for a baby that doesn't exist.

One of my longest friends, Andrew, and his beautiful wife Jen just had a baby boy. I am seriously THRILLED for them, but watching the touching video Andrew put together for the baby, left me in tears, tonight. Then I read Mel's wonderful news. She's having a girl! A beautiful, healthy baby girl. She knows the date, knows the sex, and has an ever present reminder living inside. The "why" bird circled my thoughts as I thought about all the experiences I'm missing out on. I love the path we're on and if I had to choose, I think I would even pick it again...I know that the minute I hold our long-awaited sweetness of a baby it will all be worth it...but knowing that now, doesn't make today any easier.

My heart is not dark or heavy. It does not write from an unhealthy, all-consuming place. It's just sad...very very sad.


  1. Keep your chin up girl! I know it's hard. You will miss out on some things and that's sad. I'm glad you are allowing yourself to go through the pain and not try to stuff it away. God knows the plan...Jer. 29:11. I have been holding fast to that one for a long time! It wont be long. You are a brave woman.

  2. very often "some day" turns into "today" faster than we ever thought possible.

    all that is going on is the preparation for the perfect child FOR YOU. it is sad, and hard, and not fair, but it is exciting to know that there is a plan unfolding!

  3. (((Hugs))) I've been there, Rebekah, and you're right, it's all worth it, but that doesn't help the sadness of now. Wish I could help more; I'll keep you in my prayers.

  4. It IS hard. The last two weeks were the worst for us, because we knew that our baby was coming, but we didn't know when the phone would ring. When it finally did, my heart stopped for a minute. Every second since that call has been like riding a wave of joy!

    Your day will come...and although patience doesn't become either of us, it's healthy in that it reminds me that there are things that are totally out of my control. For those things, I have to have faith that God's gonna work it out.

  5. I know where you are coming from and leah is right, your some day will be today very soon! Revel in the Lord during this time (as I'm sure you are) and let Him be your comforter. It will be sooner than you know! Then you will beg for sleep. ;)

    Be blessed today!


  6. I know it is hard. I remember. It's hard when everyone around you is bringing home a baby and many don't recognize that you too are a expecting Mom. THere was a HUGE GIGANTIC difference in the way people treated me when we were waiting to adopt versus when I was preggo with my Livi. Suddenly, I was a "real" Mother. (Their words, not mine.)

    God has a plan and a baby for His time. Cherish this time with your husband. I LOVE my girls more than anything, but we really miss alone time with each other.

    Praying for a quick match for you!!!!

  7. Keep smiling....the day will come...remember every day you wait is one day closer to that baby! God bless!

  8. I am sorry you are sad, friend. No words can help, I know. But just remember that you will never, ever, have this time back. This is it. Once you are a mom, your world changes...defineatly for the better. But still, it's a change.

    I know that doesn't help. But I am still compelled to say it if only because I wish I would have laid on the couch and watched more TLC before Madalyn came :). Don't let that be a regret of yours!!! Give yourself permission to not only stay busy, but also to pamper youself and relax.

  9. Wow, that video left me in tears too.

    I can't find the right words to say to you, except that I can completely relate. I'm sorry you're feeling so sad right now...oh how I know the feeling.

    Even with our latest bit of news that there is a birth mom looking at our profile, I feel sort of scattered and disconnected from myself. I know that underneath my facade I've already gotten my hopes up way too far. If we aren't "the chosen ones" this time around (which is entirely likely) it will be a hard pill to take.

    There is nothing for any of this except time and faith. We just have to wait and remain secure in the knowledge that our time IS coming. Sooner or later we will be moms! We will be in that hospital room and hear that newborn baby cry and it will be OUR BABY. Then we will know without any shadow of doubt that this whole thing--joys and sorrows included--has been 100% worth it.

    Hang in there, my friend! It's okay to feel sad about all of this, even though it's not fun.


  10. Your day will come. Tracey is right...each day that goes by is one day closer to your baby. Keep the faith! I have the philosophy that "If you build it, they will come." Baby that is. Like you, the nursery is ready, we're picking names and just waiting. Tick tock, tick tock. I feel for you :)

  11. Hang in there, my dear. As Melba says, it is ok to feel sad about this, and I know what you mean by the sadness you're feeling (you describe it so well). One thing I hear from so many people who have adopted is that it never seems to get any easier but does all of a sudden seem so totally absolutely 100% worth it when they see their baby for the first time. It will happen, and it will be the right time and right baby, but the wait is so, so hard. You and Ben go and treat yourselves to something nice this weekend. I'm praying for you as always.

  12. Love you friend. Sorry you are sad today.

  13. Rebekah...reading your post really pulled at my heart. I remember so much what it is like to be there (it wasn't very long ago for us). I hate to say - when you ARE matched, it's not much easier. Everything is completely out of control. We just prayed constantly for God's will to be done. We prayed even harder that we trust His plan and His timing. It is SO hard. There is no way around it. When your son or daughter arrives, your scars of infertility, etc will still remain but the joy they create in your life far outweigh those emotions. You are a strong, amazing woman and, though I don't know you personally, I can tell you'll be a fabulous mother. Hang in there. Know we all lift you and Ben up in prayer and will continue to do so throughout your journey. ((hugs))

  14. Hugs! I know the sadness you are feeling, wondering, waiting, hoping. Sometimes it seems too heavy upon my shoulders, but thank God that we have Him to lift us and carry us thorugh this.

    Today, we were in the food court at a local mall and babies were EVERYWHERE. Lstening to them cry or chatter..their voices a sweet melody to my ear but bringing a longing to my heart.

    Sometimes I feel like we are spinning in place,not getting anywhere...but we Tracey said...each day brings us closer to our child.

    May God grant you peace as you continue to wait.

  15. Hi! :-)

    You said ...

    "Why doesn't this process ever get easier? Why am I busy as a bee, enjoying life, working hard, and studying away...yet there's always one constant thought in my head. When will I finally get to be a mom?".

    You are feeling ALL of these because you are a NORMAL. You are doing ALL the right things, while anticipating the arrival of your forever baby. I've been in your shoes for a long, long time - and it does not get easier. We have learned patience, we have learned to keep the faith, to pray more, we've grown closer to eachother and to God - but we still have days that are simply miserable.
    Keep doing what you're doing - and when you feel you need to vent, or cry or toss a pillow - go right ahead, you're entitled. Letting go of the emotions is good for the soul. And when the day is done, say a prayer God will keep you close. The next days things always seem a little bit better and you'll find your heart full of hope ..and joy! Hang in there. I know it's hard...I know.

    Hugs, Pep

  16. I know how hard it is. We've had one failed match (after baby was born and we had been with her for 3 days). Everyone told us that she wasn't the baby for us. It was impossible to believe at the time. However, just a few months later (and 3 weeks after signing with a new agency), our meant-to-be baby arrived. It WILL happen. Unfortunately, God likes to take his sweet time bringing each of us the right baby. Hang in there! It's just a matter of time.

  17. Waiting is so hard... And it doesn't make it any easier to know that you just have to wait and their is nothing you can do.

    Isaiah 40. 28-31
    Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

    I pray that you find the strength in your wait that only God can give. I'll be praying for you.


  18. Oh my do I ever know what you are talking about. The journey to your baby through adoption is hard. You constantly are wondering when, where, what, etc.? You get hit with the emotions of it at the strangest of times. Each day you wait upon the Lord with great expectation. And even though you are genuinely happy that someone else is having/getting their is still a twinge to the heart.

    Hugs! You are not alone in feeling these emotions.

  19. I will never forget...........
    Hang in there!!! It's not much consolation but, I promise, it is worth it in the end!!!