Day 36

Thoughts from our “Trans-racial Families” meeting last night:

I never heard Ben complain (not even once!) about missing the Red Wings Game. He's the best. (I'm secretly thankful they didn't take the Cup last night because I want him to be able to enjoy the victory).

The meeting. As we pull into the parking lot we see several young couples making their way into the building. My ever witty husband started breaking down a game-plan "Okay. See our competition. Know our competition. Don't make friends. Winner takes baby." As it turned out, a majority of the class was adopting internationally, so naturally we won. (smile). It was exciting to talk to so many families that were in our situation, most of them also struggled with infertility.

A couple things struck me. When adopting trans-racially, simply loving a child is not enough. Education is extremely important on a variety of levels. Here are a couple of questions that we were asked:

1) How will you answer your child when asked why you chose adoption?
Before we could answer the instructor said, "Most people have selfish answers to this question. If you're choosing adoption to meet your need of wanting to parent or love, you may not be ready for adoption. Adoption should always be about the child and that's who we are here advocating." We then heard from an adopted child (who seemed to have some angst) that really resonated with me. She spoke of what it felt like to be "plan B." She had nothing but love for her adopted parents and praised them for the life she had been given, yet she went through life feeling 2nd rate, because after infertility, her parents chose adoption as an alternative.

2) How will you handle discrimination?
Quickly, I found myself thinking, "Well we're not prejudice and color doesn't matter..." Wrong. It does matter. People laugh and joke "innocently" or harmfully all the time. We walked through a variety of situations that never had crossed my mind, as well as listened to real life testimonies of those that have walked in our shoes. We learned about "white privilege"...another concept I'd never heard before and was shocked to realize it existed. The following ideas feed into it:

• When I am told about our national heritage, I am shown that people of my color made it what it is.

• I can go into the grocery store and find food I grew up with, into a hairdresser's and find someone who can deal with my hair, and into the the drug store to find beauty products perfect for my skin.

• I can worry about racism without being seen as self-interested or self-seeking.

• If a police officer pulls me over or if the IRS audit my tax return, I can be sure I haven't been singled out because of my race.

• I can choose bandages in "flesh" color and have them match my skin.

• I can do well in a challenging situation without being called a credit to my race.

• I can walk into a classroom and know I will not be the only member of my race.

These are only a few of a very long list of privileges. We were encouraged that although we can't completely change our lives, there are many ways we can implement cultural value so that our child does not feel isolated. There are several easy changes that can be made: choosing a diverse church and school, joining support groups and allowing our child to play with others in their race, driving further (if necessary) for diverse doctors or hair salons, and promoting cultural awareness in the lives of our friends and their children (easy to do with books, dolls, toys, etc). The overall resounding message last night was to live culturally aware, which is a great reminder whether adopting or not.

I walked away from the meeting with a stack of reading and an informed heart. I don't care what anyone says, I do believe that love conquers all. If I could only instill one quality into my child it would be confidence. When a child--or anyone for that matter--knows who they are in Christ, it doesn't matter how hard the wind blows, they will always have a sure footing. The lines of biological and adopted blur; both need confidence and Ben and I can instill it. I know we're embarking on a road less traveled, one that is sure to be marked with some difficulty, but like everything else in life we simply need to let go and let God. I am so thankful for the path we're walking. The lessons I'm learning reflect the very heartbeat of who God is.

All morning I've been singing an old Audio Adrenaline song from back in the day, "My World View." Check out the lyrics.

I want to see the world through Jesus eyes
See through Jesus Tears
I want to see the world through Jesus eyes
My visions' not as clear
I want to feel the world with the hands that made it
Know the pain and appreciate it
hear their cries and hope to understand

My world view
It's how I see the world
It's how I look at you
My world view
It's how I see the world
Would you like to see it to
My world view

Day 34

I've been a little lax on the blogging because I've had my head buried in my pillow for most of the week. I had a little bout of the good old influenza. It was pretty miserable actually, but I got a bunch of reading in. On the adoption front, we heard from our case worker, Jodi. She is actually leading our class on trans-racial families tomorrow, so we'll get to meet her and answer some preliminary questions. I will be having a little heart-to-heart with her to ask that she call my cell phone opposed to Ben's. So far all contact has been through Ben, and let's just say he isn't as detailed as I am when it comes to discussing conversations and asking questions...

We have both our classes this week. I am excited to have some interaction with the agency as well as check two more steps off our list!

In other random news...my mind has been whirling in a thousand directions (even with congestion!) as I think about our future. Here's whats on my mind:

Randomness #1
Going "green." A little shout out to Jen's Blog (Anxiously Searching). She was singing the praises of a book called "Big Green Purse," and inspired me to purchase it. I have never been one to side with the hippie tree-huggers...but in the last several months I have been disgusted by the amount of waste that our small family (of 2!) produces. I have slowly been making changes in terms of recycling (which cut our trash in half!), using my own bags at the grocery store, buying local, changing out our light bulbs, growing our own food, etc. It has definitely been a progression, but now I'm getting hooked! I am currently trying to rid our lives of BPA and will soon be introducing more natural products into our household (starting with all beauty and cleaning products). Just so you don't think I've gone off the deep end, here's my official stance: I am not concerned with global warming. God created the earth, it won't be destroyed until God says it's time. It is however, our responsibility to take care of what we've been given. I believe that living green offers immeasurable health benefits that will echo through our lifetime. I am not jumping on every trend bandwagon, but I will be making educated decisions on what's best for our family. Many of the decisions I'm making will save us loads of money in the long run, as well as offer satisfaction in knowing that we're doing "our part." I've made three decisions thus far for our baby: cloth diapers (had to pass it by the mom-in-law because she'll be watching the baby until I'm done with my Master's. She gave us the green light and was more than happy to oblige!), glass bottles, and chemical free/natural beauty and bath products. Because we have nothing baby, the decision to start out green is easy--nothing to replace!

Randomness #2
The Nursery. I'm torn between "Cow Chic--Moo la la" and "Sophisticated Simplicity." I'm not really a baby-decor person...I have a strong aversion to cartoon characters and pastels. Ben happens to love cows so it seemed the natural choice...but I'm having second thoughts. I absolutely love our house and have worked hard over the last few years to mold it into homey, magazine-ready perfection. The house flows well and I feel like a baby-themed nursery stops the trend. Instead, I'm thinking of using a natural grass-cloth wallpaper (similar to a linen look) with dark furniture, large wall frames for the pictures to come, and earthy elements (rich/warm colors)...and then if I want to add baby elements in I can. For me this type of room would serve two purposes, 1) the door can be left open and the room will be an extension of the house and 2) when the baby is 4/5 they won't need new room decor--perhaps just a change of elements. I'm still giving the idea some thought.

Randomness #3
I saw three very pregnant women, today. It's amazing to finally feel a part of the crowd.

Randomness #4
I am madly in love with my husband...I'm talking about throw-down, I'd-give-anything-to-be-with-him-right-now, can't-take-my-eyes-off-of-him, scream from the mountain tops...in love. We celebrate six years on Sunday and I couldn't imagine a better life. After 4 years of dating I was more than ready to be with him...but when I look at him today....oh man! His heart and smarts are all fine and good...but He has been a rockstar athlete of late. He's training for an intense bike race at the end of the year; the more chiseled he looks the weaker my knees become. I am so taken I feel like the same giddy girl who kissed him for the very first time.

Day 28

Once you fall in love, falling out is no where in the realm of possibility. I think it’s true that love can be blind and masks imperfections. But there are two types of love…fleeting and forever. My first true love is unlike any other. I say “is” because I still love him. I knew right from the beginning his love was forever. I cannot explain my heart. All I know to say is that there has been this ever present “knowing” in my life that I am part of a remarkable, unparalleled romance. This romance, this bond, is so unbreakable that it bleeds into every area of my life and has made my earthly romance with Ben a mirror image. My Creator was my first true love. I know that is the Christian “thing” to say, but I mean it. I accepted Jesus into my heart, over peanut butter and jelly when I was three years old. Immediately the Lord began talking to me and showing promises for my life. I grew up in a beautiful, God-centered home that nurtured my desire for truth and disciplined me to be a woman of the Word. Again, even reflecting, I cannot explain the wonder of this relationship. Even through my junior high days, this love existed as a romance. I was forever taken, and trusting God was as easy as breathing. I never had any reason to doubt or question. I took him at his word and considered it privilege that he actually spoke to me.

I remember a playground experience. One of my classmates was telling me that his parents were getting divorced. Growing up in a Christian community, with Christian friends, at a Christian school the news was astounding. Later that day a friend, who had also heard the news, asked me what I would do if my parents divorced. My answer was dripping with conviction, “My parents would never divorce.” My friend blew me off as naïve and told me it could happen to anyone. I don’t believe my stance was adolescent ignorance. I had seen the power of a Most High God at an early age and I knew my family was marked for greatness. We were not your average Christian family, we weren’t. My dad was an extremely devoted pastor and father. He would spend hours answering my many questions, from why God allowed pain to my musings on Revelation. Our Christianity had nothing to do with religion. Our relationship with the Father was alive and I knew in my heart no one(in their right mind) could ever walk away from it—thus my delusion in regards to divorce.

As the story goes, my parents did divorce. It was bizarre and messy, but unlike everyone else (family and friends) my world was never shattered. Don’t get me wrong, it was difficult, but my true love was my Savior. He sustained me and preserved me through what should have been a very difficult time in my life. Through all my years I never rebelled, experimented, or walked away. My conversion was pure, my heart gripped.

Ben and I dealt with infertility for a year on our own before we started getting concerned. The first year I was full of faith—just like every other life experience I had know, God always came through. He was always faithful, always true to his promises. When year two and three passed my heartache was unquenchable. I still believed God would hear my cry, but the daily struggle to walk in faith wavered. This past year, year four, marked the loss of my first true love. There’s a pounding in my heart, a screaming in my head to even write this truth. It contradicts everything I’m made of. I didn’t fall out of love, I walked away. Love always existed, he had been too good to erase lifetime faithfulness…it was the romance that died.

Lord, how did I ever get to this place in my life? Why did I forget? And the question I’ve been too afraid to ask, came out in worship yesterday…Lord, what have I done to your heart? Immediately I was full of shame and racked with guilt. My life flashed before my eyes and I could hardly stand in his presence. Lord, I have not been strong. I have not been faithful. There are no written words acceptable to offer as apology.

Before I could crumple myself into a heap on the floor, I heard the Lord speak one word to my heart…Grace. Thankfulness washed over me in never-ending waves [and again as I write]. Strange enough, I could not remember the definition of grace, but decided I would look it up later and revel in the re-found intimacy of my Savior. I did however go to 2 Corinthians 12:9 and drank in, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

I left worship with a healed heart. What I thought would be a long road to recovery was covered in one spoken word.

Grace. The freely given, unmerited favor and love of God.
[dictionary.com]

Day 25

I wish I would have started blogging my heartache earlier. Over the past several weeks I have been so inspired reading other blogs of women (and men) that have stories that mirror mine. There is such a connection...a knowing, when I read my struggle walked out in the lives of others. I felt so isolated for so long. Who knew online journals could be so liberating?

I eagerly read through the pages of a new found "friend" last night [Glenna] and found answer to a question that has been weighing heavy on my mind the last few weeks: to decorate a nursery or not to decorate. Glenna wrote [first understand this woman's story is so much my own, I related to her on every level]: "I spend a few minutes in this room every day, sitting in my rocker and praying for our baby, the birth mom, and us as future parents. It is SUCH a relief to have hope for our future." That was all I needed to seal the deal. I promplty made my way downstairs where Ben was watching the Pistons game, plopped down, and with full sincerity asked Ben if he would buy me a rocking chair. Now, mind you, the sequence of events made full sense to me, Ben however, responded with "For crocheting or something?" Stunned that he hadn't followed my thought pattern, I had to laugh! I explained that I wanted a rocker so that I could sit in the baby's room and pray. Not quite realizing the impact my simple request would have, he replied with "sure." God, I love him.

I don't care how long I have to walk by an empty room...that room--that chair--that life is going to be bathed in prayer.

So, I'm in the market for a new chair.

Day 24

We were assigned a case worker, today! Yeah!!!!! Her name is Jodi. I started praying for her as soon as I received the name. I can't imagine how difficult her job must be and the severity of some of the situations she deals with. For those of you who don't know, she plays a very important role in our adoption journey. She will be observing and meeting with us during the home studies and in charge of making sure we are placed with the right birthmom. She will also facilitate all interaction with our mom as well as represent our voice during and throughout the placement. I'm not worried about making a wrong impression, instead I'm asking you to pray for her because I'm looking for the supernatural in our adoption experience. Of course, I want Jodi to use wisdom and to be led by the Lord when helping to match us with the right mom, but even more importantly I want her life to be impacted for the better when the process is all said and done.

Lord, I pray that you would give Jodi wisdom and strength...peace and love. If she doesn't know you I pray for an encounter...If she does, I pray a new passion...energize her...fill her...bless her household and her family...protect her...be gracious to her..give her abundant joy.

Day 22

What an exciting day!! I had an extra spring to my step as I dropped off our final application/paperwork to the post office, today! It feels good to have it off my plate. It has taken a few weeks to gather all the required information. I understand the delicacy of permitting a family to raise someone else’s baby, but the paperwork is unbelievable. I was talking to a fellow adoptive parent and they said the paperwork for adoption exceeds (about 4x’s as much) the paperwork required for buying a house!

It feels good to have momentum. Even though our wait could be months (hopefully not years) my heart is so full of hope, my dark cloud has finally lifted. I feel like a new woman—scratch that—I feel like “me” again [same woman]. I have been no stranger to reflection the past several months and I continue to stand in amazement at the relationship Ben and I have. I have read/listened to many testimonials on how infertility rips relationships apart and fully understand why. My heart overflows with thankfulness that our marriage has not only survived…but thrived. I think we would have been ready for a baby years ago…but now there’s no doubt in my mind that we stand on a solid foundation for raising a baby. We’ve had a lot of fun dreaming about everything from names to character traits.

So far, neither of us have a gender preference but all of the names we like seem to lean toward boy! Here’s what we have left to do:

• Read 4 Books (and they’re snoozers!)

• Attend a Trans-Racial Family Seminar on June 2^nd

• Attend an Adoption/Profile Seminar on June 3^rd

• Finish our Profile

• Home Study (approximately 6-8 weeks after classes are completed)

And then the waiting begins!

Day 20

Check this out: "Celebrating Adoption" is a nationwide network of photographers that donate their time and waive sitting fees for families that have adopted..and it just so happens that there is a photographer in our area! The pictures are amazing; I can't wait to make use of their services!