Wednesday, May 27, 2015

"Please don't give up on me."

"I feel like the boy who cried wolf...no matter how bad I want this, it's too late. I know that."

I vacillated between compassion and irritation listening to Missy's biological dad plead his case before the judge.

Today's termination trial spanned six hours. SIX. My back was stiff; my patience thin.

The facts are stacking. He only visited his daughter six times in twenty months; he hadn't completed any of the goals in his parenting plan; he spends more time in jail than outside, and he admitted to having a very serious drug problem.

The judge was kind, but firm, and found the burden of proof met. He terminated rights.

Early on, this morning, Little Missy's dad vocalized his desire to voluntarily sign over his rights. He asked many questions, but the one that mattered most to him was that Ben would continue to be her father. Ben took her to three of the six visits and although it was for purposes of scheduling, today, I am so thankful for our decision. In some small way, I think, it eased the tearing in his heart to know that the man his daughter will grow-up calling "daddy", always showed him kindness and respect.

I hate the political bologna that plays out every time I'm in that courtroom, but I couldn't be mad at dad for changing his mind and requesting a trial. It was his last chance to fight for her.

I was able to look past his excuses for walking away and saw the honesty in his heart. Though his experiences with Little Miss were limited, he remembered every one, highlighting the first time they met and her first neck grabbing hug.

His plea to the judge came from such a place of brokenness, his words have haunted me the rest of the day - "I hope this is the time that someone or something will give me another chance. Please don't give up on me."

Even though this judge drug both cases a full year past our expectations, I am thankful for his leadership and respect his character. He responded to Missy's dad, gently, saying, "You turned your back on the resources we offered. You can't and haven't been able to help yourself and because of that, you will not be able to help or care for your daughter. I have to act in her best interest."

Dad cried softly and took his defeat with humility.

I tried to make eye contact with him as he was escorted out of the courtroom by police officers, but he never looked up.

I will, likely, never see him again.

As soon as I picked up the boys, they wanted to know what happened in court. I gave them a edited version of the day and challenged them to pray for Little Miss' dad, as the burden in his heart could be too much for him to bear.

The outcome of today puts us one step closer to adoption, but there is no victory in witnessing such devastation. This is the fourth time we've walked this path, but it never feels right or natural; I don't think it ever will.



Father,
Please draw this sweet man to you. Cloak him in your presence and protect his frailty. Bring him a mentor that will shoulder his deficiencies and guide him to wholeness - someone who will persist and cheer and point him toward love at every turn. I have seen glimpses of his heart for his daughter...give him the same glimpses of your heart for him. Anchor his hope.

15 comments:

  1. Praying for him. Glad, though, that she will soon be all yours. Julie

    ReplyDelete
  2. Its so hard! One of my biggest surprises when we first started fostering was the compassion I felt to the "big, bad, evil" bio families. For the most part, they are not evil, they've just grown up with it. They are floundering for all they're worth and don't know a different way. Phew..so much heartbreak in the brokenness. And wow...court is draining!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So true. I often think about how much this must grieve our father's heart. There are so many people living chaos without perfect peace.

      Delete
  3. Thank you for this tender look at court. Praying for him and praying for all of you. Glad you are one step closer but I know the mixed feelings so well and agree that it doesn't feel natural.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Thank-you so much for sharing. I weep for Little Miss' biological father and his heartbreak. I'm so glad he can have so many more people praying for him because of your willingness to share this journey.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I hadn't thought of how many people will pray because of this post....thank you! I hope that he finds God and can experience wholeness one day. How neat it would be to reunite him with his daughter...

      Delete
  5. I've read this post 4 times now. It's beautifully written. It shows how much you love your children and Jesus and I can see Him in you. God has glorious plans for all of us in some way. I'm so glad that His plans for you are here for anyone to see. God is good. All the time. I will pray for Missy's bio-dad. Although the prayer you have written here for him is so incredibly beautiful, I may just borrow your words.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Praying for all of you, including him. So much brokenness. Only Jesus can heal.

    You are amazing.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Thank you for showing so much kindness and compassion for this man. I read this and saw my little brother immediately. He grew up in a nice, loving, Christian, two parent family. I love my brother so much, but he is very sick- he has PTSD from his service in Iraq along with a lot of physical pain from injuries that has led to years of self medication with meth. The saddest part is that he is not able to be a father to his 4 year old son. Thankfully, DSS was never involved, but my nephew's mother has sole custody, my brother has no visitation at all.

    I don't know that my brother will ever get better, but I pray for his healing. It is so much harder when people just assume he is a terrible person, not recognizing the brokenness and illness for what it is

    I just really appreciate your compassion for Little Miss's birthdad, as well as your hope that they can someday be reunited.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We all have a story don't we...? Your brother is a perfect example of why love without judgement must come as easy as breathing. We live in a broken world full of broken people. I am so thankful for God's love and that he is willing to use me as a vessel. Thank you for sharing a part of your story. It's a good reminder to all of us. We need to walk in mercy.

      Delete
  8. Thank you for this insight into the process. I do wonder and hope you don't mind my asking, would you consider letting him into his daughter's life in the future? I want to hold out hope that while he wasn't able to be her parent, he might still be able to show her some love so she knows that despite his failings, how dearly he loves her.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes. Reconciliation is just an outflow of our salvation and I have deep desires to help all of our kids birth families come to healing. For the three adopted from foster care, the path isn't as clear or clean, but I hope one day that all of our kids will have relationships with members of their birth family.

      Delete
  9. How awful and bitter yet good in that it's a step forward. As I've said on my blog before, how awful that adoption has to exist anyway. Loss (of ability to conceive/ loss of original family for whatever reason...) somewhere there's loss and some losses are harder to bear. I had been wondering what would happen, thank you for sharing.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Lifting you all up in sweet prayers sooooo high!

    ReplyDelete
  11. What a difficult thing to go through. I love how you are so empathetic to Little Missy's father. Thank you for reminding us to not judge. I hope and pray that knowing Little Missy briefly will help give him the strength to get better and be a husband and dad someday in the future.

    ReplyDelete