Wednesday, January 7, 2015

It's a New what?

Two-Thousand Fifteen.

We are still the crazy-fun family that has lots of energy, many littles, and big faith. On the surface, I still love the new year because it's a time to reflect...plan...dream. And mine are supersized.

We each made goals:

But if you dare scratch my heart - even a little - I might start sobbing. I don't feel my usual excitement for the new year and my abilities are stretched to the point of near-balloon pop.

My seasoned faith doesn't question God or beg for relief. I know he's here moving. But I do cry. I cry because I'm tired and sad and because - really - there's not much else I can do.

We are heart-deep in mud.

Little Miss is our daughter in every way, but one. We are well-beyond the days of turning back or reminding case workers that we didn't sign-up for this. We're invested. We're family. There's no other option but to drag through.

Her biological dad is early to every visit. He dotes and plays and plans. He tells her about their family and his GiGi (her namesake). He talks about all the things they will do when this is over.

We plaster smiles and make brave.

We lie in bed at night staring up, lost in the hardship of it. Sometimes Ben reminds me, "My gut says we'll say goodbye."

I choke back tears.

Life goes on as usual.

School, work, dinner, bedtime. It all goes in perfect rhythm. In the car, Ben says, "Sissy, who's number one?" and she throws her chubby finger in the air, squealing, "Dad-eee!"

It's a new year, but the fresh beginning escaped me and the dark challenge rolled forward. Unlike Ben, I don't have an instinct on this. I feel too much. I see too much. I know life well enough. Every scenario exposes heartache and disqualifies any right answer.

Yet, people keep asking me what I "think".

I think we've done everything asked of us.

It doesn't wash the mud from my fingers or dull the sadness in my heart, but it does provide one massive blast of sunshine up above the cloud.

So, can we survive the new year without hearts full of prospect and rainbow?

Yeah. We can.

It doesn't always have to be a storybook start.

Sometimes, it's a dark and stormy night where gusts of wind are violent "rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggle against the darkness." --Edward George Bulwer-Lytton, Paul Clifford (1830)

Sometimes, God's presence is most palpable in the disorder.

Always, God's goodness finds its way.


  1. LOVE you guys and your four littles! We are standing with you.

  2. I praying for you. For peace, for strength. God holds all this in His hands and I know you know this, but that doesn't stop your hurt and despair. ((Hugs)) to you all

  3. Oh how my heart aches for everyone involved. Life shouldn't be like this for anyone, but then we do live in a fallen world. Thanks for sharing your journey with us. May the prayers of those both near and far continue to support you.

  4. I will pray for your family tonight. I remember during the waiting to see if my boys would stay or go, saying, "I don't want this for us or for them if HE doesn't want it," but my heart was screaming something very different. There is no good advice to get through this part so I will just pray for you.

  5. So wish I could just hug you through this, but I don't doubt that God's hand is in it. Still, many times there is so much heartache while we struggle through the mud. It sucks. There's no way to sugar coat it- it just sucks. I'm sorry, friend. I really wish you guys peace in this season and sincerely hope that you don't have to say goodbye. Ever.

  6. Who knows what the future will hold. And even if it is a goodbye, for this time you are what is needed in Little Miss's life. If forever is not to happen you must know that right now had to happen. She needed you all. Keeping you in my thoughts and hoping for little pain for you and bio dad, regardless of the outcome.

  7. You and your husband are so brave! So brave!

  8. Faith while you wait and the wait is so difficult. That must be why the bible continues to remind us that we will have trials and tribulations but trust in God and do not lean on our own understandings. God's plan is always perfect for those who live for him and there is no doubt that you and Ben do that. Your story is not over by any means, my gut tells me that God has so much more in store for your family. Thank you for your willingness to share your story and be a witness for Christ.

    Ashley Moon

  9. While you go through this season of pain in your lives : Take Courage and strengthen your hearts.
    It brings to my mind the word of God at Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8.
    When this season passes whatever the outcome there will be peace once more.

  10. Praying for you guys! Praying that Little Miss doesn't have to say goodbye. May peace & strength surround you during this difficult season.

  11. I live in a different state so I don't know the laws there. In my state as your child sweet boy has rights to not be separated from his sister. It is different if they had never lived together but because he has he has rights. (in my state) It doesn't mean they have to be placed together but it does mean he has to have contact and visitation. I'm praying that this situation ends with as few broken hearts as possible. Maybe you would be able to have an Open adoption with Little Miss's bio dad. Maybe Miss Rebekkah could write a reference for you. Nothing is impossible for God. I'm praying for you. I'm sorry for the pain. I'm proud of your faith.

  12. I'm crying reading this. We went through the same thing a year ago- thought it was a "slam dunk" foster-adopt placement and then weekly visits, and then weekend long visits...and then she was gone.

    I want you to know that it was, without a doubt, the hardest thing I have done. I expect it will be the hardest thing I ever do.

    But here I am. Loving my own little guys in the every day. Climbing out of bed in the morning (it took a while for even that small thing to seem possible). Thanking God for the good moments- there are so many. And, often, choking up in the laundry room, or a bathroom, or a back church pew where no one can see because it is still too hard. It is still unfair.

    Regardless, I'd do it all again. It was the right, good thing. You are doing the right, good thing. PRaying for you

  13. I thought it was hard waiting 19 months for my second son. Fourteen months later his baby brother was placed with me as an emergency placement. Nearly two years later he is still here. Court is next month to tpr I was told last month that they had been considering changing his goal back to reunification. My heart froze. DCF became aware of outstanding legal issues bio mom has and his goal remains adoption. It is nerve wracking. I don't know how people do this without God. This is much harder.

  14. I also normally love new year's and also this year I struggled to see the "new" in it. Praying for you, praying for me. He will be faithful and He is good, all the time.

  15. Just tears. Praying for God's will, trusting in His goodness and mercy.

  16. Fasting and praying for your family. I am sincerely in awe of your sacrifice and so desperate to believe His plan is that Little Miss stays with you.

  17. I was hoping for an update from you. God is good - all the time. And although you may end up saying goodbye, you - as a family - were put in Little Miss life for a reason. Even if it is the stability she needs at the beginning to know that long lasting relationships are possible. You know the brokenness and ugliness that comes from not having that. You also know that redemption is possible. I am praying for you folks. Praying for the best possible way that God will be glorified and He is merciful to all.

    I have come to the point that I can even find beauty in all our struggles and miscarriages. God used it to glorify him. Whatever the outcome for your family, God will be glorified because you are seeking Him.