Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Not Part of the Plan - Take 52

I stood next to Ben at the kitchen sink with a lump in my throat. I could hardly stand next to him his heart's heaviness begged my knees to buckle. Even though his "clean-up duty" time gives me a much looked-to break, I offered to dry because...well, no words would do.

Our caseworker had called and the news wasn't good.

Little Missy's father (I hate even using the term) is out of jail and ready to be super dad to the daughter he has never met. I can't get into the details, but this will, likely, be a long battle. I take her to her first supervised visit on Friday.

Our heads say - this is a career criminal with numerous obstacles, no resources, multiple children and a new one on the way, soon - it will never happen. Our hearts wrestle the unwavering love and protection we feel for our daughter and the failures that exist within an imperfect system.

As our caseworker laid out what the next six months will, likely, hold, I took the information in stride and felt tremendous peace. When she finished, I told her that we would continue to take it one day at a time and trust God for baby girl.

"You are, seriously, the calmest person I have ever met," she said.

I reminded her how crazy the inside of our house is. I can't, possibly, concern myself with the craziness that exists OUTSIDE.

She laughed and we hung up.

My peace is genuine, buy my heart heaved for Ben. I dreaded telling him. We are not in the same spot and I knew how the update would affect him.

I don't know when God gave me complete assurance, but I remember our conversation well. It was at least several weeks ago and I walked away feeling deeply loved. Here's the thing. In my worst case scenario, I am forced to hand my daughter over to a man that I don't like, trust, or believe has any business raising children. I wouldn't argue that the tragedy of that event would devastate my heart and leave me sadder than I can even imagine. But. I trust God more than I trust my plan. He has never failed me. He won't fail Little Miss. I want Little Miss to be forever part of our family, but if things don't go my way, I will trust God to protect her and to give our family what we need to make it through.

Once I was able to process the worst case scenario and lay the mess of it at the altar, I was filled with irrational peace. No matter what happens, God will give me what I need. And I know he did not rescue sweet Miss to abandon her. He will give her what she needs too.

Fast forward to the kitchen sink.

My Ben is the most tender, loves-beyond-himself man I have ever met and his heart bleeds for the fatherless. He is one big sap ball when it comes to our little tribe. And I am crazy for him. Watching him process my words and vent his frustrations was almost more than I could stand. I wish I could, supernaturally, infuse him with the peace in my heart, but it doesn't work that way.

While I can't run this part of the course with him, I can stand by...and dry dishes.

And I can pray. I can pray for another miracle; this time for our baby girl. And pray that God softens our hearts toward this man that is about to become a part of our, weekly, routine.

21 comments:

  1. Praying praying praying. Love you guys.

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  2. I have been reading your post since you received Ty. You helped me when we were waiting to adopt and have since adopted to beautiful little girls. I will be praying for your beautiful family every day. Lots of Love all the way from South Africa.

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  3. Thus is the crazy life of fostercare right! I'm so sorry for the turn of events. I'll be praying for little miss! We've had our guy for 12 of the last 14 months. He left us once and came back. We found out last week, just days before he was going " home" that things changed and they are terminating rights and we get to adopt! Then we go to court yesterday and no move to termination happened! It's all such a mess! But believing God didn't bring him back to us again just to take him away!

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  4. Praying for all of you! Blessings

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  5. Praying for your sweet Little Miss and for your whole family.

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  6. This makes me so mad!! But I guess since he is her " father" they need to make sure they allow him to " father her". I have a gut feeling he wont show up. I will continue to pray for YOUR family!!

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  7. Reading with tears in my eyes. All this will be for GOD's glory and it will be perfect. Waiting is such a test, but it is a test for a purpose. Sending prayers for your family and an extra one for your wonderful husband.

    In Christ,

    Ashley

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  8. 😞 My heart breaks for you all!!! PRAYERS, PRAYERS, PRAYERS and ((HUGS))

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  9. Praying for you and your sweet family.
    Liz in Ga

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  10. Oh my, I pray too for Little Miss, for your Ben for peace and guidance and for a miracle. A miracle that will happen sooner than later!

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  11. Praying for your family!
    Abby in IA

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  12. Sorry for the turn of events. Praying for Little Miss and that God will guide your way!

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  13. Stay strong in your patience. I love your faith. I love your plan. There is no other way. I can't imagine your grief at the thought of losing Little Miss, but I don't believe that will happen. This "father" has to walk the walk and so far he hasn't been able to do that. I am praying for all of you.

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  14. Praying in Texas...
    Susie

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  15. Praying for your whole family! Grace and more grace!

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  16. That happened with elee. He came to several visits. After the novelty wore off he disappeared....literally. At the termination trial his lawyer had no idea where he was. It was the worse months of my life, maybe close to a year. I remember the day I accepted that it was out of my hands and that the chance that I would have to hand my daughter off to a scary man was real. It never happened tho. She never had to be alone with him, ever. Now she is mine, forever.

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  17. Praying with and for you. The thought of handing over a beloved child to a career criminal who can't even properly take care of himself is beyond sickening, but like a pp, I don't believe he will be able to walk the walk and that ultimately she will end up forever yours. God is in control and I pray for peace for both you and Ben.

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  18. Praying everything goes smoothly!

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  19. It is Friday! I just said a quick prayer that he does not / did not show up!! Keeping you all in my thoughts!

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  20. " I will trust God to protect her and to give our family what we need to make it through."
    And He will do just that. However long it takes God will hold you and Ben up through this race.
    My heart breaks reading your support at just being next to Ben as he comes to his own peace in this. There is something special about a daddy and daughter bond that is heart breaking to watch the risk of her leaving. Have never seen my husband cry so hard as the day we handed our baby girl over.

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  21. Cried as I read through this post. We are in the same boat. Praying for a miracle for both our families!

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