Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Treading Troubled Waters

I know it's been awhile. I've been staying away on purpose. My heart is a walking weight. It's easier to think about other things. Sweet Boy is grasping for security and watching him struggle is the heaviest burden I've ever shouldered.

We're nine months in and my angel boy, cautiously, walks the line that separates past and future, like it's death and life, wetting the present with a dark fog. It seems impossible to navigate, but I know better.

His weekly nightmares reveal his desperation to escape this trapped world. He's in a boat that's sinking; He's trying to swim, but he's drowning; He's swimming, but a shark eats him.

Every week he asks me or the therapist when he will finally be adopted. He's concerned that I might lose him in a crowd. And he shows an, increasing, distaste for his last name (given at birth).

He flops between surety and unease, effortlessly. One day, he'll draw a picture of our family of six in our house, with rainbows overhead, but then the next day he'll draw a picture of himself standing outside of a crowd. Sometimes the crowd is family; sometimes it's classmates.

Sometimes he draws strangers in his bed; sometimes he draws them in our family.

Some days he asks for squishy hugs and wants to snuggle under blankets. Other days he stands across the room, refusing to join the fun.

Every night he asks to be tucked, tightly, into bed.

Last night he snuck into OUR bed, without notice, and I woke up to his little body cradled in mine.

Today, he made my day when he reached out and asked if I would carry him around for awhile. I think he just needed to be close.
Our therapist  reminds me, every week, that wholeness will take an indefinite amount of time. Sweet boy has survived trauma...and healing cannot be rushed.

Even though the days can be long - the steps forward small - I AM encouraged by his progress and closeness to our family. He knows that we are family. He laughs like us; prays like us; and even embraces our unpopular beliefs and traditions.

He knows that we're family...his question is whether or not we're the last.

Words hold little value. He had family twice before and we've been talking of adoption for months.

As suffocating as the sadness can be sometimes, we are standing firm in our faith. God has preserved Sweet Boy's spirit and he WILL push through.

Here is how you can stand with us in prayer.

DNA testing is on November 4th. I am praying that the punitive father (who cannot be the father based on race alone), does not show up for the test. This would allow us to move forward and terminate rights, on all "known and unknown" fathers at the next hearing in a few weeks. If the punitive father does show up for testing, pray that the attorneys will, miraculously, receive test results in time for our hearing. We've been told that it is impossible to get DNA results in less than 3 weeks.

I know that with God, ALL things are possible. We pray for his continued grace in this season, with extra measures of patience, wisdom, and love...for everyone involved.


  1. Praying for you and your sweet boy. Hang in there mama!

  2. I am sending lots and lots of love and positive energy from San Francisco. You have created an amazing family.

  3. Praying..our God is a champion to the fatherless

  4. I have been checking for an update for the past couple days. I am still keeping your family in my thoughts, hoping and praying this all ends and you can make YOUR family whole.

  5. Praying for this to conclude in adoption soon so that Sweet Boy can begin to know he has a FOREVER family! Praying for you as you navigate these systems!

  6. Praying for you and sweet boy! Sending lots of positive vibes. "I know that with God, ALL things are possible. We pray for his continued grace in this season, with extra measures of patience, wisdom, and love...for everyone involved." AMEN!!!

  7. Praying for you and your beautiful family

  8. Continuing to pray for all your family, and especially for sweet Boy.

  9. I can feel your heart hurting for him. I will be praying for your family!!

  10. The system has to make sure every I is dotted and t is crossed but the children are left in limbo. I am an adoptive mom of two and fostering a third whom I hope to adopt. My oldest son has a disorder called PANDAS. One of the major symptoms is anxiety. My son has become a worrier. He now worries that he will never see me or his little brother again. His adoption was final years ago but unfortunately my youngest son's future is still up in the air. There is a trial coming up to tpr so I hope it ends soon. I want to give him the guarantee he desperately wants but it isn't up to me.

    I will continue to pray for your family

  11. We received a gift for our newly adopted son who speaks no English yet. It's an ID bracelet so that if he gets separated from us, he can ask for help in contacting us. I know and you know that Sweet Boy would never be out of your sight in a crowd, but giving him one may be a tangible way to help him feel more assured in a crowd (and that you hear his fears and care deeply.)

  12. Praying for you and Sweet Boy! Hopefully Sweet Boy can get some GREAT news before Christmas!