Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Reassuring an Insecure Heart

We had a difficult weekend.

LJ is experiencing some processing challenges that can be frustrating on days when my patience is running thin. I feel good about the resources we have at hand and thank God for the support he's put in our life to help teach us how to address LJ's needs, best. I will talk about this more in coming blogs.

So, last night I sent LJ to his room for the second time over the same issue of disobedience. I asked him to sit in there for a few minutes to think about his behavior. Really, I needed a few moments to pray and gather my thoughts. I was out of answers and more than a little frustrated. The Holy Spirit came on me and breathed peace to my heart. I walked in and sat cross-legged on the floor and asked LJ to join me. His lower lip quivered as he looked at me with big, sad eyes.

Before I started talking, I had him take some big deep breaths with me. When he was relaxed, I, quietly, said, "Honey, do you know that I will always be your mommy...forever?

Little nod.

"And that daddy will by your daddy forever?"

Little nod.

"And that Ty will be your brother forever?"

More nodding.

"You are always going to be a part of this family and you will never have to move to a new home again." I went on to explain why his behavior was wrong and had him confirm his understanding by repeating what we went over.

As I stood up, I said, "Alright, let's go join daddy and Ty for dinner!" Before I could get to the door, LJ pulled on my arm and said, "Mama, I wanna do someth'n." I looked at him quizzically, not sure I heard what he said. He tugged on my hands and I saw that he wanted me to come back to the floor. As soon as I got to my knees, he wrapped his arms around my neck and crawled into my lap.

I forced a big lump in my throat and held him tight for a long time.

God is teaching me how to reach my son and his reassurance comes through pudgy hands and tight hugs. I am so thankful for the Holy Spirit's guidance, here. After six months, it's easy to forget that our son still needs continued confirmation of his place and identity in our family. I hate that LJ has deep layers of insecurity and sometimes wakes up with nightmares. I wish I could give him a re-do on life and let him start over in our family. I wish we could tell him about the day he was born and explain away his scars...but we can't.

We are forced to put our words into action. We show him our love in a safe, consistent, healthy way. Eventually, our practices will override his past and he'll fall into complete assurance. I pray for that day and all the days in-between.

God has special plans for this little boy...


17 comments:

  1. AWww! Wise mama to take a break and wait to see what God had in store. I hope I can remember to do that more often! xo

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  2. what a sweet little man...i am sure his behavior is draining, but the hope far out weighs that.

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  3. Rebekah, I have been a faithful reader for quite some time but have never commented! I am also an adoptive Momma - one domestic, one international. My oldest (international adoption) has issues with insecurities and sensory processing.

    Have you heard of the resource called Empowered to Connect? We just returned from one of their conferences focused on parented kids from hard places. It was hope-filled and enlightening for us!!

    One thing that was mentioned was buying weighted blankets for kids who have difficulty sleeping, especially kids who come from hard places. Apparently it can help to calm them. We just ordered one for our son from a website called SensaCalm.

    I've been part of the adoption community for 5 years and yet I had not heard of these resources so I thought I would share just in case! Thank you for sharing your journey and for being an encouragement to me as I read your blog!

    In Christ,
    Betsy

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  4. So beautiful Rebekah... made me tear up. I learn mommy lessons from you in how to deal with my own 2 year old, so thank you!!!

    cindie

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  5. I, too, take momma time outs of occasion. And you're right. We need them to collect ourselves and listen to the words God wants us to use. What a beautiful moment with LJ. Thank you for sharing it.

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  6. This made me cry! Because I spend my days at work endlessly trying to teach clinicians, CPS workers, judges, lawyers, etc that these little babies need this - without it, nothing else will do for them! And here you are, doing it naturally! I wish I could package you up and take you with me on my trainings and meetings, lol! That said, I know it isn't EASY by any stretch of the imagination. So glad you have support and resources. Thank you for posting!

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  7. Wow, The Holy Spirit knows exactly what we need at the right time and today, your blog was just what I needed. You and I have communicated once over email (pastor's family here in MI, adopting an 8 yr old from foster care).....he has been at our house on weekends and on Wed nights and will be permanently placed in our home on Oct. 5th. We, too, had a very difficult weekend this past weekend. Your works captured the essence of our son's issues as well (who incidentally is going to go by the nickname LJ as well!). Thank you for helping us to feel like we aren't the only one going through this!

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    1. I meant your "words", not "works". :-)

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  8. Good job, momma! Praying for the endurance for you to keep telling him your family truth over and over and over again and then again when it seems like it should already be a give. Baby boy is living his re-do every time you reassure him. So glad he has landed safely in your family.

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  9. Couldn't stop the lump in my throat when reading this. Thank you so much for sharing these sweet moments, they're so encouraging. Praying for you guys tonight but also praising God that LJ has you and your family.

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  10. What a tender moment between you and your son. Would you be willing to let us feature this on "We Are Grafted In"? I really think that so many AP's would be encouraged by this post. Since we already have your bio and pic from before, I'd just need your permission unless you want to update your bio or pic. Just let me know!
    Blessings!
    Stephanie
    co-administrator of WAGI
    smurphy28 @ juno . com

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  11. Great Post Rebekah!
    I am, like many others ;-) a 'silent' reader.
    Your blog encourages people and even out here in Nairobi, Kenya we learn from your experiences!
    Thank You, an adoptive dad.

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  12. YOU ARE DOING A GREAT JOB. ONE THING I LEARNED THRU THE YEARS OF FOSTER AND ADOPTION IS THAT SENDING A CHILD TO HIS ROOM, ISOLATES HIM FROM THE FAMILY. THIS GIVES TIME FOR THOUGHTS/FEELINGS THAT ARE NOT ALWAYS GOOD. I LEARNED IT IS BETTER TO SIT THEM IN A CHAIR IN A ROOM WHERE THEY ARE SURROUNDED BY THE FAMILY. THESE KIDS HAVE STRUGGLED ENOUGH WITH BEING ALONE, ISOLATED. THE CHILD CAN THINK AND REFLECT, STILL SEE THE FAMILY, FEEL THE LOVE.

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  13. What a beautiful post. The lump in my throat is just subsiding....loving little boy you have!,
    M

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  14. Just checking back with you to see if we can feature this on "We Are Grafted In".

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    1. Stephanie, absolutely!! I'm sorry, I thought I responded!

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  15. This is a beautiful post. You will teach him that you love him and will always be there for him. I had to do the same with my step son. When he was 8 his mom just kind of disappeared. She could be gone for months our years at a time. In his 8 year old mind this was my fault, because you can't have 2 Mommy's. He "hated" me. I would hold him and tell him that no matter what I loved him and wasn't going anywhere. By 10 he was my "Mama's Boy" and would even sit in my lap. Lol I have been divorced from his dad for 5 years now, and I am still his Mama.

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