Wednesday, February 16, 2011

A Pregnancy Test (of Sorts)

Day 50 and still no period. 

I don't dare mention that fact in real life or I'd, likely, hear references to the "p" word. 

I hate that.

I wish everyone else around me could be as okay with my barrenness as I am. I'm not a soul waiting to be saved or a belly waiting for its seed. I'm a mom of another breed - and I'm okay with that!

I know my body well. I spent years trying to force it to do something it, clearly, didn't want to do and eventually...I just came to terms with it. 

Around Day 48 I realized how refreshing it was to never have to wonder. To never be in that place of waiting for the right day and stocking up on tests, "just in case." I should have kept moving through my day, but for about three minutes I wallowed in a self-pity that has been absent for quite some time. 

I wondered. 

I wondered what it would be like to have your body work for you. How exhilarating it would be to pee with such exciting results. I wondered how I might have told Ben and the serious joy that would have raptured our home.

I didn't think about the pregnancy or the belly or the birth...only the emotion behind taking a test and getting an A. This thought escaped before I could capture it...

How incredible it must be! To run to the bathroom in a frenzy - a million thoughts dancing in your mind. The would bes and could bes writing their stories as you wait. Forget pregnancy and birth, the warmth of knowing your next chapter reveals itself on sticks is where I've truly missed out the most.

As quickly as it came the Holy Spirit swooped in and said, "Daughter, you haven't missed out. Look at the fullness of your life. The love you know. The family you share. They are missing out. Most people never love in this way."

And just like that, the conversation ended and I made plans to buy these bunk beds.



I know it sounds crazy. 

I've been looking for awhile, so that Ty and his brother can build forts and dream of storming castles. This beaut is big bucks in stores, but I found it used on Craig's for half price.

We pick it up on Sunday.

Call it a build it/buy it- he-will-come mentality, but I felt strongly about this purchase. 

That it's time. 

Do you know what the best part of the deal was? When I told Ben we were picking up bunk beds on Sunday for our son that doesn't exist, to enjoy with his brother that does, Ben's only response was, "Okay, what time?"

I may not get to take pregnancy tests, but I do get to buy bunk beds. 

I get to buy beds and watch them stand empty until God brings the right warm body to fill their space.  In our family, an empty bed is the perfect reminder that God is moving.

And friends. He is moving.

I hope you know that today, in your own life.


30 comments:

  1. Yay! Loving this! We have had an empty crib in our house since September of last year. We know that when the baby God wants us to parent comes along he/she will find their way to us. Until then we'll just wait!

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  2. Thank you! This was exactly what I needed to hear tonight! I'm praying that God fills that bed up for you in His perfect time.

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  3. I love this... I love the honesty, just as much as I love how much you wait with expectancy for God to act. And when He moves, you'll be ready. :)

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  4. You have a great attitude, Rebekah. :)

    Have fun picking up the bunkbeds!

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  5. I so appreciate this post. There are so many times where I have those moments and wonder what could have been! I get angry that my body does not work like it should and the truth is...that it does...this is the way God intended it and how can I argue with that? Thank you for sharing your heart!

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  6. Hello Rebekah,
    I've been following your blog for a few months now and feel such a sense of closeness to you and the other women who inspire me through their own heart cries. I love your words more than I can explain. Every experience and emotion you explained in this post are the exact thoughts and feelings that run through my head whenever faced with these circumstances. We have struggled with years of Infertility and I have taken more pregnancy tests than I can remember. Also, my husband and I are also researching beds for our home as we prepare to be Foster-Adoptive parents. I felt the same sense of hope and excitement as I looked at the picture of your new bunk-beds; what a beautiful experience to look forward to:) Thank you for your honesty, your spirit, and your positive outlook. Please know that your words and outlook are important to so many, myself included. Take care and have fun bringing home the beds!
    -Heather Miller

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  7. Love reading the fullness of your life.

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  8. Ok so now you blogged about it....your for sure going to get "ya know, you should probably take a test." There is no getting around it. I wont say that though...Im going to say "CONGRATS" on your new bunk beds. They are somuch fun. The Bible talks about how faith can move mountains. I have seen it so many times in my life. I like that you are preparing for Ty's "big brother" to come soon. (by the way, are you sure it will be a boy? LOL) Its really early and I dont think this comment makes much sence. LOL Oh well!

    R

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  9. That is really cool. I think that's what God wants us to do--to wait in "expectation". That's the thrill of the ride right? ;-) Heres a hug to all of you. XXXXXXXXXOOOOOOOOO

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  10. Looks like a beautiful positive to me, who needs two pink lines, this is gorgeous. What a beautiful future you have ahead of you, and I love your positive attitude.

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  11. I love it! Sometimes you just gotta claim what you KNOW to be true, and I love to hear of people stepping out in Faith ans seeing God do amazing things. (Funny how those stories of stepping out in faith never end badly...)

    We did the same thing with the house. Our place isn't even on the market yet, but we knew it was time to move, so we pulled the trigger. Yeah, there's a part of me that's concerned about owning two houses and the fear of "what if it doesn't sell..." But that's not for me to worry about. God's got that. I just want to be moving ever forward as He leads.

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  12. so...you're expecting a big brother? i'm slow at these things.

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  13. What a beautiful picture of faith! Thank you for sharing your heart with us! God Bless You!

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  14. I have so many things I want to say, but first: I love that you bought bunk beds. It's a physical manifestation of what your heart is telling you--and that's a beautiful thing. I love that it brings such a sense of hope and purpose in your life.

    The other thing is this: I feel the same way about having a "broken" body. My doctor has me on progesterone pills right now to shrink a cyst on my ovary, which is like torture. They make me feel (and act) so awful that it infuriates me to think that not only will my body not "do what it was meant to do" but that I have to live with a constant reminder of its pathetic, broken state. I even wrote about this on my blog, when I was having a particularly "poor me" moment and Shannan (from Flower Patch Farmgirl, she's amazing) wrote me an e-mail and said this:

    "Here's a thought: Your body is not broken. It may very well be the perfect kind of fixed - the kind that brings your child to you in a different way than you'd have planned. I think sometimes God gets a little creative with us. He has to short-circuit some of life's "givens" because, little do we know, our babies are over oceans, or maybe two towns West."

    It made me cry, because I have focused so intently upon what's "wrong" with me that I never stopped to think that maybe something is "right" instead. Thanks for the inspiration!

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  15. Love the comment of ...I'm a mom of a different breed. Plus, I LOVE how the Holy Spirit put on your heart that you (we) are the lucky one's. They don't get to experience this kind of love. LOVED it! Praying for the little boy that God has already chosen to be a part of your family (and Ty's brother!)!

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  16. Congrats on the bunk beds. Does this mean you are al ready to do fostering and I was wondering if you were going through DHS as we had talked about in september at the wedding or if you were going to go through the agency you were helping out and wondering what is going on with that agency. This is all so exciting for you. It sounds as if you are ready for the next chapter in your life I know I have been excited for our next chapter and Justin to have a brother or sister. He keeps asking and it gets hard to tell him it is up to DHS to call us on a potential foster to adopt situation. Well congrats on the bunk beds. :)

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  17. You really are an amazing person. I just stumbled across your blog, and it really put a smile on my face. Thank you. :)

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  18. I never thought I'd be able to relate to your posts in such an intimate way. It's funny how God's plans are so much bigger and better than we'd ever know to dream. Cycle day 40 and finally she came, my heart broke. I have been down that road and felt the joy so I feel selfish saying it but the hurt is still real, the pain on the surface the same. The depths reach different places for each of us. No happy dance, no joy, just breathtaking disappointment.

    On a happier note, I've considered sending you an e-mail but I haven't. I almost took a picture, and I can still if you want, but I wanted to let you know that your long lost twin sister works at a really good burger place in my town. Also, she responded much like I think you would when I showed her the massive, I do mean MASSIVE, hair tangled up in my burger,("Oh, that's disgusting! Just nasty!" and with grace)

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  19. Yay for hope and expectancy.

    You said (well, the HS did) "Most people never love in this way." I can tell you, somewhat shamefully, that this is true. You love wholy, deeply, cherish more, you take the most out of it all. I wish I did that better.

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  20. This is a great update. I love it. God places things in our hearts that we often just can't explain... praise Him for giving you the courage and wisdom to know His way is the best way. And a man who is right there with you every step of the way.

    Love the bunks!

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  21. My motto exactly while waiting for our son: "If I paint it (the nursery), he/she will come!" And that he did...

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  22. i can't wait to see you post pictures of their forts they will make. God is faithful. absolutely always.

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  23. I have been blessed with my two boys through adoption...we are currently waiting again...and there's a white crib with little pink things sitting in the corner of our bedroom as a reminder of God's promises....will it be filled, I don't know, but where there is Faith, there is Hope....

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  24. Love those beds. I know Ty will be so happy to be such a big boy.

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  25. You have such a wonderful way with words! This was a beautiful post! WOw! It really made me think. I would still love to get together sometime for hot chocolate. Let me know if you would be up for it! :0)

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  26. Awesome post:). Thanks for your sharing your heart. Mollie

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  27. I love this post. It speaks to me on a very deep level. I also love the bunk beds and the mental image of them waiting for the "right warm body." You are amazing, Rebekah!

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  28. I will never know what it's like to see two lines, but I do know what it is like to get a phone call that another mother chose you to be the mother of her child. Nothing in this word, not even two lines, means more to me than the trials and joy I have found through God's grace of adoption.

    Congratulations on your bunk beds. God is good.

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