Day 50 and still no period.
I don't dare mention that fact in real life or I'd, likely, hear references to the "p" word.
I hate that.
I wish everyone else around me could be as okay with my barrenness as I am. I'm not a soul waiting to be saved or a belly waiting for its seed. I'm a mom of another breed - and I'm okay with that!
I know my body well. I spent years trying to force it to do something it, clearly, didn't want to do and eventually...I just came to terms with it.
Around Day 48 I realized how refreshing it was to never have to wonder. To never be in that place of waiting for the right day and stocking up on tests, "just in case." I should have kept moving through my day, but for about three minutes I wallowed in a self-pity that has been absent for quite some time.
I wondered what it would be like to have your body work for you. How exhilarating it would be to pee with such exciting results. I wondered how I might have told Ben and the serious joy that would have raptured our home.
I didn't think about the pregnancy or the belly or the birth...only the emotion behind taking a test and getting an A. This thought escaped before I could capture it...
How incredible it must be! To run to the bathroom in a frenzy - a million thoughts dancing in your mind. The would bes and could bes writing their stories as you wait. Forget pregnancy and birth, the warmth of knowing your next chapter reveals itself on sticks is where I've truly missed out the most.
As quickly as it came the Holy Spirit swooped in and said, "Daughter, you haven't missed out. Look at the fullness of your life. The love you know. The family you share. They are missing out. Most people never love in this way."
And just like that, the conversation ended and I made plans to buy these bunk beds.
I know it sounds crazy.
I've been looking for awhile, so that Ty and his brother can build forts and dream of storming castles. This beaut is big bucks in stores, but I found it used on Craig's for half price.
We pick it up on Sunday.
Call it a build it/buy it- he-will-come mentality, but I felt strongly about this purchase.
That it's time.
Do you know what the best part of the deal was? When I told Ben we were picking up bunk beds on Sunday for our son that doesn't exist, to enjoy with his brother that does, Ben's only response was, "Okay, what time?"
I may not get to take pregnancy tests, but I do get to buy bunk beds.
I get to buy beds and watch them stand empty until God brings the right warm body to fill their space. In our family, an empty bed is the perfect reminder that God is moving.
And friends. He is moving.
I hope you know that today, in your own life.