Wednesday, November 25, 2009

In a Year's Time

Here's what I wrote one year ago, today:

I thought I would be able to sneak through the holidays in one piece. It's so busy and fun and wonderful. I LOVE Christmas and everything that goes with it. I was so sure I would breeze through upbeat and cheerful and was mostly concerned about what I would feel like on January 1st. But I didn't escape. It's the day before Thanksgiving and my heart is so sad, my arms so empty, it's hard to be thrilled about doing any of my favorite things....I just want a baby. Lord, is that too much to ask? Lord????

It's really difficult to watch everyone else move on. Blog friends, real friends, strangers in the grocery store. Everyone else is making Christmas memories, starting traditions, continuing old ones. Me and Ben? Sitting at the same dinner table, eating the same dinners, having the same conversations. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband more than life. I love our friendship and camaraderie. I love all the time we've been able to spend melding our hearts and laughing. I love that we can take four hour naps on the weekends without having to think about anyone else but each other. But none of those things fill the empty hole in my heart...the arms that are always holding someone else's baby.

Are we doing the right thing? Did we pick the right agency? Should we forgo the dream of a newborn and adopt a toddler first? Do we need to be more open? Should we have less restrictions? Do I need to change our profile pictures? Do I need to change our profile? These questions run through my head every single day. I know the waiting anxiety is normal and my questions are not the first to be asked, but again that doesn't help me make it through the day. Call it foolish or naive, but I was so sure we would get chosen right away. I never imagined getting to the end of the year without a baby and now the faster it comes the harder I cry. Can I really make it through a 5th January, hoping the next year will be the year?

I completely understand why grief-stricken women steal babies from hospitals. The pain is simply too unbearable.


I have been a blubbery-remembering mess the last couple of days. Every time Ty smiles, I cry. The above words are so fresh in my memory, yet the thankfulness in my heart wets Ty's head as I hold him close, this morning.

I woke up singing Tyrus an old praise song we used to sing in youth group:

Look what the Lord has done,
Look what the Lord has done.
He healed my body,
He touched my mind,
He saved me just in time.

I'm gonna praise His name,
Each day He's just the same.
Come on and praise Him,
Look what the Lord has done.

Back in the day, we had crazy motions as we enjoyed dancing and jumping and praising God. I, of course, had to give Ty an original delivery - moves and all. We both ended the song in giggles.

My life will never be the same.

Come on and praise Him. Look what the Lord has done...

video

If you are still waiting for your miracle, hold on. God is faithful; he is moving.

From our family to yours, have a wonderful, thank-filled Thanksgiving.

22 comments:

  1. I don't know if becky ever told you but we have a cousin who was adopted as an infant. He was raised to know that he was adopted and special. He grew up an amazing kid, joined the military and is now in the FBI! We are all very proud of him. I love it that you are raising ty to honor his first family. He will honor you for it.
    Have a wonderful holiday, this is what you've been waiting for!
    Blessings
    Cindie

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  2. I have been remembering as well. Well you know that because we were remembering together over the phone. Isnt it amazing what God has done? Isnt life such a roller coaster? It sure does make life interesting. That video of Ty is great. His giggles just fill the room with happiness. Im glad we can remember the hard times, because it makes today so much sweeter. Love you all very much.

    Rebekah

    Oh P.S. Your last comment on my blog when you said something about Ty answering you with fake coughs made me laugh for like five minutes. I can just picture it in my head. LOL Thanks for the laugh.

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  3. He is such a cutie - you could just eat him up I bet :) We are expecting our own baby boy anytime now (birthmom whose name is also Rebecca), was due on Nov. 20th. Still waiting, LOL. We had an adoption that didn't go through at the last minute in July - so we are praying every goes smoothly this time :) Our four year old can't wait to be a big brother!

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  4. Such a beautiful post. It's amazing how much life has changed for you in just a year's time.

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  5. made me cry, both becuase it is so sweet and because ME TOO!

    Happy Thanksgiving!

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  6. Why do I always finish your blog with tears?? You have an amazing way with words, thank you for sharing.

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  7. I'm so very happy for you and your family. Yes, what a difference a year makes! Happy Thanksgiving, Rebekah.

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  8. Rebekah,
    That was absolutely beautiful and Tyrus is growing so beautifully. You are a great mommy and I am so thankful that you have Tyrus. You and Ben are the most precious presents that Ty could ever receive his whole life and I know you feel the same way about him.
    Happy "First" Thanksgiving to you,
    ~Annjeri

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  9. I needed this today. Thank you. You continue to inspire me and to help me focus on what it is I am really doing--waiting for God's plan and not my plan.

    Thank you, deeply.

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  10. Still in this place. Still here. No escape. Your words, a year ago, vividly describe my feelings, fully, today ... This day before thanksgivivg. I am spent and just don't have the energy to share anymore. My tears are dry... A dry cry just can't nourish a hurting heart and a weak body. Thank you for sharing. Bless you and your precious family. Have an amazing thanksgiving and holiday season!!

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  11. I remember this entry. Even though I know that the story has a happy ending, I still cry when I read it and remember the pain I felt knowing that someone I had come to care about as I had come to care about you by that time was hurting so badly.
    I'm so glad God gave you and Ben Ty. Alot of my friends have had babies this last year, including Christy's adopted baby girl. Know what you mean when you wrote of always holding other people's babies. That's were I am now. I don't know what God has planned for me. I just keep trusting him to give me what I need even if it's not what I think I want!
    Thanks again for sharing your wonderful story w/ us. I still love your blog, no matter how much it makes me weep!
    Have a wonderful Thanksgiving, Rebekah!

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  12. Thank you.

    I'll hang in there. :D

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  13. Thanks you so much for posting this entry. It was as if I was writing that old entry myself. We have been waiting 2 years for our little one and have had three failed attempts since sept. One because the birthmother changed her mind and two because the out of state agencies were kind of shady.

    I constantly second guess our choices of agency, profile and criteria.

    Thank you for helping me see that this is all part of the process and the Lord is waiting for the right baby to be placed in the right arms.

    He is so wise.

    Elena Doucette

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  14. Wow. What an awesome blessing. You always just touch my heart.

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  15. I was just browsing blogs and came on yours! I dont even know you but when i read your blog i just started crying-Currently going thru ivf and did 1st transfer last week-pretty sure it didn't work out this time-been an emotional wreck-believing that our God knows but so hard to keep that faith-then I read your blog. God bless you and your family!!!

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  16. You are awesome...happy Thanksgiving to you and your two favorite men!!

    Melba

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  17. When you said, "Lord, is a baby too much?" and then I looked at Ty's picture, I welled up. I'm so glad God fulfulled the desires of your hearts and mine, too. Love that little boy.

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  18. Happy Thanksgiving :)

    i bet yours was awesome!

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  19. This post spoke directly to my heart. It makes me long for the day when I can look back on this long time of waiting from the other side, with a baby in my arms. Each January that starts another year without a baby is harder and harder.

    Thanks for sharing your heart. It gives me hope that one day I'll make it out of this.

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