Monday, February 10, 2014


I tiptoed into the boys room to check on covers. I was tasting success after Little Sis went down. Four kids and they were all asleep before 9pm.

Sweet Boy was staring back at me.

"Hi, buddy. Are you having a hard time falling asleep?"

Head nod.

"Can you tell me how you're feeling?"


"Can you tell me what hurts?"


"Ok...are you feeling scared?"

Head nod.

"Would you like to come rock with me in Little Sis's room?"

Head nod.

I picked him up and tried to cuddle him close. His back was rigid.

This is always the worst night. The night when I want to hug my babies tight, wash their fear, lather them in love, and kiss them silly. But I can't. I'm a stranger - one of many. I hate it.

We had a great visit on Friday. We spent about an hour with the foster mom, letting the boys get to know each other. They played as if they'd known one another from birth. Ben and I were struck at how easy it was being in public. Because we were an hour and a half from home, we had to spend our family time together at the mall.

I won't be able to use names or full faced photos for awhile, but I can share these few:

Little Sis has no shortage of protectors. All three boys are enamored with her and enjoy helping.

I was struck at LJ's fondness for her (it was unexpected) and how he lit up when she'd respond.

After a few minutes into our day, Ty asked, "Mom, can we keep them?" I spent my day watching Sweet Boy and assessing his emotions. He held his cards tight. It was hard to determine how he was feeling. It was clear to Ben and I that bonding with him would be more difficult than it was with LJ. He's older; more aware; and caught in a delicate balance of an unsure future.

Thankfully, Ty and LJ are the perfect distraction.

Little Sis, who I've affectionately been referring to as "little miss", is a complete baby doll. Interacting with her, you'd never know of her difficult beginning.

We never imagined that we would bring a baby home, again, (and boy is it a lot of work!) but I know that God has given her a special purpose in our family. Watching all of my boys with her, warms my heart in a way I've never experienced before.

Every time I turn around, I catch glimpses similar to this:

She is going to be raised by a village...

On our way home to drop the kids off, the boys, organically, started talking about doing a sleepover. They talked about where they'd sleep and what movie they'd watch. Sweet Boy was caught up in the excitement of it and I, quickly, got a chorus of whens, which made it easy to plan our next visitation time.

We picked Sweet Boy and Little Sis up, yesterday, afternoon, and had them through tonight.

I swelled at the fullness. God gave us this house for these moments...

As happy as I was to have our darlings, I was, equally, as happy to drop them back off. I am not disillusioned to how much work this is going to be. After two days with four littles, I am worn out! When we kissed and said our goodbyes, we reminded the boys that we would see each other, again, on Friday (move-in day). Ty looked at Sweet Boy and said, "That's when you come to live with us forever. Do you want to come over and never go home?"

I, nervously, looked back and saw a huge smile spread on Sweet Boy's face. "Yah!"

It's going to be a long journey. The part that hurts the most is that I can't assure Sweet Boy that we will, in fact, be his last home. That was the single most important piece of LJ's healing process.

I have spent the last several days pressing into the Father, asking him to touch the parts of  Sweet Boy's heart that I can't.


  1. Wow. Sitting here feeling the heaviness of this post. "The part that hurts the most is that I can't assure Sweet Boy that we will, in fact, be his last home." I can only begin to imagine how it is for you to be living that. I've said this before, but I love your faithful heart and how open you are to allowing God to lead you. Praying for you and your family and for healing...especially healing for Sweet Boy.

  2. Rebeckah I have been following you way before Ty had come. I would like to send your little babes some goodies in the mail and add you to my facebook. Will that be ok with you?

    1. Yes! We are always open to goodies! :)

      If you want to send me an email, I would be happy to forward my address. rpinchback(at)

  3. Wow. Just wow. Good luck with everything! I am hoping things move quickly and you'll know sooner rather than later if they will be forever yours.

  4. Ugh!!!!!!! these posts grab me and I dont want them to stop....... I want to know the end of the story. I am just so blessed to be a small part of your family. Maybe one day we will meet.


  5. sounds like a fantastic start! thank you so much for sharing your journey.. i've been reading for a long time and i am moved by every post. my heart aches and bursts for these children.. good luck courageous family! <3

  6. Thank you for posting. I have been thinking about you and your family! Praying for God's amazing grace to fill your hearts.

  7. Praying for you all in this transition. We know God is faithful.

  8. Oh my word...the fact that you have this beautiful little baby girl in your family just amazes me. I have long been following your blog and am in awe at how good God is...the boys, esp Ty, has been talking about "their little sister" for sooooo long now- well before you guys even knew what God's plan was and yet here she is...and your new big house and how it all fits into the plan...God is so good and I love following along with your story. It truly, truly touches my heart. It also makes me ask myself the question, "why do I not trust that God has it all figured out for all of us?" and ask more of Him when I am troubled? your blog is beautiful and you are amazing. Dont be overhwelmed. It will all work out in its own beautiful and perfect time :)
    God Bless....
    ~Amy from Chicago

  9. Love the pictures!!!! Blessings and prayers for you and all the family, especially the children God has blessed you with:)

  10. Love the pictures. I've been a lurker for some time now. Coming out in the open. Keeping y'all in my thoughts through this whole transition.

  11. Praying they get to stay with your amazing family. Thank you for sharing your journey with all of us.

  12. I 'll be praying that everything goes well with the transition and that sweet boy and little miss will be able to become permanent members of your family!! Tracy from Delaware

  13. Overwhelmed with joy for you all. Mixed with the grief that I know Sweet Boy is going to go through in the coming weeks and months. But I know God is blessing him with the perfect parents and big brothers to help him through it.
    You all continue to be in our prayers.

  14. Okay I'm bawling my eyes out! Such a heavy decision and the emotional turmoil in little boy's heart just makes me ache so bad. Little Miss is, of course, an absolute baby doll! I have my 8-month-old son in my arms right this very moment. I also have his four siblings so we are quite a pack. It IS hard work. But I don't think I have to tell you how much they are worth it. You already know that oh so much. <3

  15. Praying for healing and wisdom along this new journey. I can't wait to see all the updates on your sweet family.

  16. That baby will be a powerful link for them bc she "belongs" to everyone & just plain loves & they share that.... just what we have seen in our fam. God's richest blessings on you & your hard work & dedication & decision to love!!

  17. I just started following your blog as I have been considering what our next steps in starting a family will be. I just want to say I very much appreciate your honesty. It's very helpful for those just starting to think about foster and adopt.