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If you're easily offended please stop reading.
Everyone keeps using words like "Congratulations" and asking, "Aren't you excited?!?!"
I try to smile politely and nod, yes. But, excitement is not a word I would use to describe what I'm feeling.
I know it will come in the future.
I know we will look back and connect the blessings and cry with joy.
But, today?
Today, I am anxious. I'm nervous to bring them home; concerned that they'll leave; worried about Sweet Boy and how to help him heal; terrified at the thought of what our life will look like with four littles; and (honestly?) unsure that I can really do this.
I was driving home the other day and, nearly, let panic overcome me. Life as I know is about to change in every way....and that is not comfortable.
I like comfortable!
Of course, as Believers, we are to be anxious about nothing. I know that deep down in my innermost parts. I do. I know it will be okay. I know that God will meet us. I know goodness will follow because we're walking in the will of God. I know all these things.
But, in the realness of these moments...the moments before our life changes forever, my insides are chaos. I wish I was stronger and could say that my feelings aren't fleeting and that my heart is always steady. But that's not real. Not for me.
The flip side in these manic moments is that I am able to draw from a well of peace. God only lets me get so far in my thoughts before he reels me in....assures me of HIS love...his power to overcome...his sufficient grace.
I am so thankful for his faithfulness to me. That my thoughts don't bring rebuke and my rawness isn't answered with wrath. I understand why his love is perfect...because it never fails me.
In the midst of my most fearful thoughts, he whispers in the wind...
We decided to be selfish and hold off from picking up Sweet Boy and Little Miss until Saturday. The last three-ish weeks have been so chaotic, Ben and I feel a lack of connection. We've been running separate ways trying to prepare...and we miss each other! Thankfully, foster mom was thrilled to keep the kids another day and even offered to keep our boys, so that we could have a date night.
So, that's what we're gonna do. Go to dinner, reconnect, and enjoy our love. We'll worry about our new life in the morning (smile).
I am so thankful for Ben; truly. I don't know another man that would have walked this path with me, so patiently and passionately, unhindered. What God has given us is special...I know he will meet us.
I've been digging this song, lately...and have been singing it as a prayer for my kids.
In the end, through my failing thoughts and frustrations, I pray that my kids will have seen him through me...
Thank you for standing with our family. We love you all.
Thursday, February 13, 2014
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I can only imagine how anxious you are. If I were in your shoes I would be to. As I lay down tonight I am praying for you, your family, your 2 little additions, and for their foster mom. I pray that your anxiety lesson and you and Ben are able to have a wonderful date night.
ReplyDeleteI have been reading your blog for a while now and don't normally reply, but I just wanted to say I will be thinking of you and your family on Saturday and have a wonderful date night with your husband. As a mum of 2 and step mum of 4 I understand how time can be limited. Look forward to hearing how it all goes with your 2 new little additions.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful!
ReplyDeleteIt's so easy for third parties to be ecstatic and excited... but if it were me I know I'd be anxious, uncertain, scared, etc. as well. No one can fault you for keeping it real and being transparent. This is a HUGE undertaking. God has equipped you and I'm thrilled to continue watching your family grow (I've been following since your sweet Ty was still in utero). Hope you all have a great night's rest and that the transition goes smoothly.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the honesty! We fellow foster-adopt moms appreciate it :)
ReplyDeleteI've only just found your blog in the last month or so. I find you both and Ben amazing and refreshing. I appreciate your honesty. I am a single mom, would love to adopt one day. But in the mean time, I enjoy following you and your journey. God won't leave your or forsake you, and your deeds will not go unnoticed. thank you for your complete honesty. I know (as well as do you) that you are being blessed beyond all measure. I am excited for you for the day that you are able to embrace the excitement and the love! I'm keeping you and your beautiful family of six in my prayers! Enjoy date night!!!!!
ReplyDeleteI expect I will be about where you are in six months or so, once we complete our home study, classes, and receive our first foster child(ren). Heck, I'm already a bit nervous about somethings but like you, I do know that God is with me and He will work things out. Thanks for being honest and transparent. It helps the rest of us in similar situations know we aren't the only ones who experience those feelings.
ReplyDeleteHave fun on your date tonight. You are very smart to do that:)
ReplyDeleteI have been reading your blog since your brought Ty home and your words have ministered to me as an adoptive mom. Your true uncensored honesty gives me strength and reminds me that it's ok to be afraid and doubt myself as a parent and in the end to fully rely on the Lord. I am praying for all of you as you open your home and your hearts to these two beautiful innocents who only want and need to be loved!! The song you posted is incredible and I will be finding and downloading it to my iTunes today. What a convicting reminder this mommy of a 3 year old boy that I need to show him God and all of His Grace, Mercy and Love! God Bless you and and keep writing your heart!!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for sharing your journey with us...your loyal readers and biggest fans. This entry made me cry...bc its so beautiful and so you. Praying for your heart and your beautiful family. Sending lots of hugs too.
ReplyDeleteP.S.-I love your "plan" to reconnect. I have 4 kids as well and that feeling of being disconnected happens really easily- especially as the kids get older and are more involved with stuff. A little dinner out and a few hours alone does wonder for both. Good luck this weekend ;)
Amy W., Chicago
Of course you're anxious! This is a big deal. I think it'd be strange if you weren't. And, it's a mark of just how important it all is to you.
ReplyDeleteI am so glad you have your faith and your husband to go through this with. Those are lucky kids, and you're a lucky mama.
I have tears. So sweet. Continue to be raw, it is refreshing. You seem to have it all together and the rawness just makes you more human.
ReplyDeleteAshley
Praying for you guys as you transition. You are incredible and God handpicked you for this!
ReplyDeleteLOVE. YOUR. HONESTY!!!!
ReplyDeleteGlad to hear someone be honest about this . We said yes to a group of three, which would have given us four littles under four. I have never been so relieved as when their current foster mom decided to adopt them instead. A little sad? Yes. But mostly relieved. Legal risk is a scary, hard thing. We did it and while it worked out wonderful for our foster daughter, it was terribly, terribly hard for us. Praying for you allowed matter what.... It is hard, but so, so good.
ReplyDeleteYes, your words are so true! I recently found your blog, and haven't commented before, but this post has resonated with me on very deep levels. My husband and I have been in the domestic adoption process for two and a half years. We don't know why God has allowed us to wait for so long (longer than everyone we've known), and it's just plain hard. At the end of December we were matched with a sibling group of three, and we felt basically every emotion EXCEPT excited. Everyone around us was thrilled, jumping for joy, and so excited to finally see our looooong wait end. That was so difficult for us as we struggled with feelings of guilt at times, wondering why we weren't as thrilled as everyone else was. Ultimately, adopting these kiddos didn't work out, for various reasons. It was hard, still is, but we're totally at peace with the fact that God has protected us in ways we can't even see. We desperately want children, and are praying for the right match to happen soon. It's so encouraging to my heart to "meet" other adoptive moms who aren't feeling those excited feelings like everyone else. Thank you for being so real about that and busting the myth of "love at first sight." There are far too many adoption blogs out there that unknowingly (and unintentionally, of course) pour guilt on adoptive parents for experiencing these emotions. Thank you for being real, sister!
ReplyDeleteTotally understand! We have adopted twice, most recently a special needs daughter from Ukraine. When we met her she was shocking. She has eye problems, could barely walk for lack of strength, didn't like us, didn't like to play, no one had worked with her so at the age of 5, she was so behind. We left the orphanage and I cried! What were we doing to our family, our 3 kids at home our life together? It has been a loooonnnggg year, tons of therapy, hard times. God has never let us down. Easy? No. Worth it? Yes. You are not alone. We understand.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and praying for you as today is a BIG day for everyone involved! Today, you are now the proud parents of 4 sweet babies! :)
ReplyDeletePraying you feel God's presence in every minute of today and the journey ahead...especially in those anxious, nervous...this-is-too-much moments. Praying for all six of you and your hearts...praying your precious children see Jesus in you and Ben. I can say from knowing you and following your story the last couple of years that I have seen Jesus in you, in how you and Ben live your lives, in your honesty and in the faith that you have clung to so tightly. Thank you for sharing your journey because it has shown me things I never thought possible...things not from this world, things that seem unreal, unimaginable to us, yet possible because of our Father. Love you and I'm here if you need to another date night soon!!
ReplyDeleteThanks for being honest and transparent. I hope you had a wonderful date night and were able to reconnect with your husband. That is so important for all your children. Praying for you today!
ReplyDeleteI love this post! I started reading your blog a few months ago. I started from the beginning - my husband and I have a 2 year old and are in the process of becoming licensed foster parents with the hope of adoption. I love how your story is so raw and beautiful! Thank you for sharing everything. It brings me so much peace as we begin this journey!
ReplyDelete