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It may not seem miraculous, but it was.
Babies are supposed to be easy to love. She was not.
She's cantankerous. Ferocious.
I prayed, last week, for God to give me a love for her. To help me understand her.
He did both.
She is only days into her fifth month and she's unlike any baby I've ever met.
Here's what the Holy Spirit has helped me come up with.
Little Miss was conceived into an atmosphere of complete chaos and heroine addiction. From the moment she came to be, she had to fight for her life.
I only have small slivers of information from her early months, but what I have tells me that baby girl was forced to be a fighter...a survivor.
The pediatrician gives her an A+ for health and development. She's on target (or beyond) in every area.
She's a fighter.
Our first few days together left me in tears. I wanted to run. Send her back. Pretend it was all a dream.
She's not going through withdrawals or experiencing negative side effects to her birth mother's choices and she doesn't display any of the sensitivities or characteristics I read about. Yet. She is the most ornery little thing I've ever met.
She's a fighter.
Her little body is full of agitation with no ability to regulate it.
A few days in, I called Foster Mom. "I am not doing something right!" She wouldn't take a bottle from me. She screamed every time. I played with temperature, nipples, times, proportions, but nothing worked. She'd arch her back, twist and turn, then scream. Eventually, we'd get through the whole bottle, but it took forever.
Foster Mom confirmed that I was doing everything right, but hadn't experienced what I told her.
By
Everything she does is aggressive.
She is a fighter.
She just turned five months old and she will be crawling within days; walking in months. If she sees a toy on the floor she wants, she scoots and screams until she can, forcefully, put it in her mouth.
When I try to rock with her, she thrashes and kicks, clawing my face. I have to match her roughness with the strength of my hold and, loudly, "shush" her ear to settle her.
She hates getting her diaper changed, being strapped down in her car seat/high chair, riding in the car, being by herself, getting burped, sleeping, getting dressed, getting out of the bath, being rocked...and pretty much anything else you can think of.
She wants to do everything herself and needs very little coddling.
She is a fighter.
I spent our first several days together wishing God hadn't asked this of me...but then God removed me and inserted love...and I fell in love.
I fell in love with her fiery spirit and opinionated outlook. I matched her screams with indifference and respected her space with agreement. We spent the week warring, but by the end, we found mutual camaraderie. And we both settled in.
She loves being cheek to cheek and stops crying if I sing. She'll sleep (contrary to popular belief), if I let her do it on her own. When she's eating, she wants to hold my hand and knead...when she feels satisfaction, she buries her head for a hug. She searches the room when I leave and doesn't want anyone else to hold her.
She is a fighter.
She had to be. And I understand (now).
If she hadn't fought; I wouldn't know her, today.
I see glimpses of her future and I know God has a special plan. Her name has a compound meaning - war/strife and prosperity/fortune. I cried when I read that for the first time...
My strife-filled girl. My rich gift. My treasure.
She is a fighter that doesn't have to fight anymore...
I know you are processing a lot right now. I soon as you can you need to have little miss evaluated for sensory processing disorder. In my state someone in the early intervention program will provide this service and treatment for free for babies birth-three. My twins were premature and they had SPD. Their infancy was hard in all the ways you have just described. Today they are thriving 13 year olds.
ReplyDeleteI've been waiting anxiously for this post. I love it. Christ keep you, your husband, and your precious daughter and sons.
ReplyDeleteI empathize with you. My biological daughter was the same way, but with none of the early trauma that you describe. It is so hard to love an infant who seems angry, and who claws and screams and doesn't "need" you. I felt like such a failure, like I was caring for an animal who hates me. Mine is 3 now, and started having Early Intervention before age 2. She has sensory processing issues and can't stand car seats, grocery stores, loud, busy places, being held closely. She also has eating and sleeping issues due to the sensory sensitivities. She was early in all other developmental stages except speech. Just something to file away and keep in mind as Little Miss develops. You can read up on it later if it seems she fits the profile.
ReplyDeleteMy 2 youngest boys came to me at 7 days and 2 days old. Bonding and understanding them is something you can't understand until you've gone through it. I remember those days, the days I felt like I was babysitting because these kids surely aren't mine! Grieving with them through loss that people think infants can't feel. Withdrawing from the poison in their systems... We have 5 now, 4 of which came through adoption. It gets easier. Sometimes. But always worth it (which you already know).
ReplyDeleteThe resilience of children is amazing. It is sad that she had to put up such a fight for survival but her spirited disposition will be a blessing when she learns she doesnt have to fight for survival. This will also help growing up with three big protective brothers:)
ReplyDeleteI am playing the theme to "Rocky" in my head. You go Baby Girl! You go get 'em!
ReplyDeleteOh my gosh is all I can say. My eyes are filled with tears of joy. GOD is so GOOD!
ReplyDeleteAshley Moon
Elee. Elee elee elee. (If you have forgotten that is my first adopted daughters name.). She was the same way, and I felt the same way. I still have my days, but over all, she is a totally different child.
ReplyDeleteYou are amazing, Rebekah. These children are so fortunate to be with you. Some of what you write reminds me of aspects of Magpie, who thrashed and didn't cuddle up next to me like I expected a baby "should." We found that swaddling her helped A LOT. She hated the process of the swaddle being put on, but then was much more able to calm down to suck on a bottle or be soothed to sleep. So perhaps something to try. They make ones that come with velcro and are easy to put on. Might be worth a try. Sounds like you two are finding your groove together. I love reading your updates and am rooting for all of your brood : )
ReplyDeleteMo
What a beautiful post!!
ReplyDeleteIf my mom was still alive she would tell the same tales of me. Adopted at 12 weeks, she said I was the most cantankerous and obstinate child ever on the planet. It didn't gets easier. I wanted to do everything my way. My son is much the same and I love it (after many tears and frustrations) as he is independent and strong and loving, just as I became.
ReplyDeleteBless you for this. It is hard and tiring but those babies need you and your love! Been praying and loving the updates!
My DS (turning 5 in March) was also exposed to Heroin. We adopted him from Birth. In hind sight I can relate to what you are talking about. He had extreme projectile vomiting for the first 3 -4 months.After the withdrawal symptom tapered down, +/- 90 days, that stopped. I think she might want to be upright because of that and got into the habit of drinking more upright even after the withdrawal symptoms stopped. He initially did not want me to hold him close and rock him for too long and did not made eye contact at first. But today he is a loving cuddling little boy. He is extremely bright, started reading at 3 years old but have SPD, motor planning and motor delays. As a baby he was very determent to move as well and army crawled from very early to get to toys but his balans is not good and he did not start to crawl on all fours before 1, and only walked after 18 months. See if you can make an appointment with the with the Early intervention program in your state, It would be best if they start to follow her early on (possibly SPD) He have a strong will of his own and is very determent, a little fighter as well and at the same time he can be a sweet tender hearted little boy. I can not imagine my life without him.
ReplyDeleteI worked with babies ( 6 months to 24 months) that have experienced trauma. Little Miss sounds a lot like some of the babies I work with. You are spot on, she is a fighter and most likely she has not had a caregiver with whom she could establish a healthy attachment. I'd suggest reading a little about attachment ( if you haven't already with your boys) http://www.simplypsychology.org/mary-ainsworth.html
ReplyDeleteThere are some great play therapies out there including PCIT and ABC (Attachment and BioBehavioral Catchup).
Precious! Thanks for your honesty. Praying it keeps getting better.
ReplyDeleteYou are doing awesome. Gotta add my voice to those who see the red flags for sensory processing/integration issues. Your description also fits my preemie daughter post ICU days. Early intervention services and earning some therapeutic techniques helped alot - particularly things like bouncing, jumping, heavy pressure, rocking, swinging. Light touch was so offensive to my child, and it helped when I finally came to respect that.
ReplyDeleteYour family is in my prayers.
Some children are just strong-willed. My daughter (biological with no substance abuse issues) was a fighter too. When she decided not to breast feed at 3 days old, she would push me away and scream and arch her back. I felt like such a failure. The only thing that would calm her was very loud shushing, a tight hold, and a rigorous bouncing motion. Yes, I agree that your little miss could have sensory issues. However, my daughter grew out of this and your little miss might too. My daughter is now 9 years old, academically gifted, highly emotional and dramatic and the light of my life! Keep up the good work! You can do this!
ReplyDeleteI love the raw emotions you always describe, even in the most difficult of situations. I love that you are always so honest no matter what anyone might think. You are such a good Momma and I often think of you when I am having hard days...even with my five under 2.5! Your children are so lucky to have you!
ReplyDeleteYou go little miss! Praying it continues to go smoother for you and the entire fam
ReplyDeleteYou are a gifted writer, Rebekah. Thank you for sharing. Your love for God and love for your kids comes shining through.
ReplyDeleteSo much redemption so quickly that is a miracle!!
ReplyDeleteAlso wasted to echo the SPD comments. I'm an adoptive mom but also a pediatric OT and your description of Little Miss sent up a lot of red flags. Arching like that is typically seen with GI related issues like reflux or as a sensory avoidance to a change in head positioning- like going from sitting up to reclined. Just my two cents. It also sounds like you are naturally adjusting to her sensory needs which is better than what any EI therapist could give you!
She sounds so much like my little Milo when he was a baby. So much fight in such a tiny little body! We found that these challenges were part of him have sensory processing challenges. We started early intervention for a few months and he is still in OT once a week with a therapist that specializes in sensory integration. It can help these kiddos so much with the tools they need for self regulation. It's been SO helpful for us! So excited for your sweet family! <3
ReplyDeleteOne of my littles hated being held. She didn't have sensory processing problems. She was simply independent and much happier on her own; definitely not a snuggler! She is more than making it up for it as she grows (she turns 7 this month) though. One of the perks of it, at least in our case, was she'd go to sleep on her own and in her own room, through the night at 2-months-old. I don't know that every little quirk in a child screams disorder; it honestly could just be who she is as a unique individual and not your standard, textbook baby. Sounds like you two are figuring each other out and finding balance. Keep on, momma!
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