A Hopeful Mama

Like every post-birth mama, I know. I'm crying and I couldn't even tell you why.

I'm pretty sure I'm delirious from the lack of sleep I got last night.

I love Ben.

He had to work, today, so last night I told him I was on duty. Had I known what that meant when I committed, I might have thought twice! Little Miss is so congested she can't breathe. We saw every hour. By 4:30pm, I plopped her in the middle of the bed and cried out to Ben, "I can't do this anymore!" He jumped up in response and said, "Just tell me what you need me to do."

I was asleep before I could answer, but reflecting, now, my heart is so thankful for him.

Caring for babies that you don't know or love, yet, is not easy. Throw in snotty noses and wheezing coughs and it's, nearly, impossible.

I drug myself out of bed, this morning, to feed Little Miss and Ty breakfast. The other two sleep as if they hit early puberty (gives me great morning time with Ty!)

Ty was his, normal, chatty, perky self. I, literally, had to bite back every initial response. I was so irritable and past exhaustion, I knew it would be a miracle if I made it through the day. God's grace was sufficient and I made it through the morning without hurting the heart of my most tender son.

Then one of my best friends texted. She took the day off work to come help.

I cried at the thought of a shower and extra set of hands. I'm crying, again, thinking about her love for me. She walked in the door, took the baby, and commanded charge.

I am so very grateful.

We had a nice family dinner and kept things light.

It's a strange dynamic. It feels like we're living a lie...but I don't know how else to live. We don't know what to say to Sweet Boy about his current situation, so we haven't said much. Tonight, he asked about going "home" (previous foster family). I turned the question on him and asked him if he'd like to go home. He said, "Maybe in 169 days," and then giggled. We told him that we like having him, here, and left it at that.

With a potential birth mother visit in the morning, "home" is a relative term, right now.

We're pretty much just operating on auto-pilot. I can't say that much of anything we do is purposeful, as we're just trying to survive. I'm thankful that when we don't have the ability to think or be creative, God swoops in and acts for us. I had a special moment, today, with each kid, that was enough to remind my heart of why we said, yes...over and over and over.

Sweet Boy and I have had very little interaction, as he has been pretty preoccupied with his big brothers and I've been tending to sickie.

Tonight, when the boys were getting pjs on, Sweet Boy smashed his finger in the drawer. He came running to me and for the first time, allowed me to scoop him up and be maternal. I held him tight and kissed his tears. I told him about how we handle boo-boos in our family (we have a "boo-boo frog" that, instantly, heals all infirmities, realistic or otherwise). As I held him and the boo-boo frog to his fingers, I thanked God for finding me moments to connect.

Today, was better than yesterday...two full days under our belts.

God is good. My eyes are tired, but my heart is hopeful.