Monday, February 17, 2014

A Hopeful Mama

Like every post-birth mama, I know. I'm crying and I couldn't even tell you why.

I'm pretty sure I'm delirious from the lack of sleep I got last night.

I love Ben.

He had to work, today, so last night I told him I was on duty. Had I known what that meant when I committed, I might have thought twice! Little Miss is so congested she can't breathe. We saw every hour. By 4:30pm, I plopped her in the middle of the bed and cried out to Ben, "I can't do this anymore!" He jumped up in response and said, "Just tell me what you need me to do."

I was asleep before I could answer, but reflecting, now, my heart is so thankful for him.

Caring for babies that you don't know or love, yet, is not easy. Throw in snotty noses and wheezing coughs and it's, nearly, impossible.

I drug myself out of bed, this morning, to feed Little Miss and Ty breakfast. The other two sleep as if they hit early puberty (gives me great morning time with Ty!)

Ty was his, normal, chatty, perky self. I, literally, had to bite back every initial response. I was so irritable and past exhaustion, I knew it would be a miracle if I made it through the day. God's grace was sufficient and I made it through the morning without hurting the heart of my most tender son.

Then one of my best friends texted. She took the day off work to come help.

I cried at the thought of a shower and extra set of hands. I'm crying, again, thinking about her love for me. She walked in the door, took the baby, and commanded charge.

I am so very grateful.

We had a nice family dinner and kept things light.

It's a strange dynamic. It feels like we're living a lie...but I don't know how else to live. We don't know what to say to Sweet Boy about his current situation, so we haven't said much. Tonight, he asked about going "home" (previous foster family). I turned the question on him and asked him if he'd like to go home. He said, "Maybe in 169 days," and then giggled. We told him that we like having him, here, and left it at that.

With a potential birth mother visit in the morning, "home" is a relative term, right now.

We're pretty much just operating on auto-pilot. I can't say that much of anything we do is purposeful, as we're just trying to survive. I'm thankful that when we don't have the ability to think or be creative, God swoops in and acts for us. I had a special moment, today, with each kid, that was enough to remind my heart of why we said, yes...over and over and over.

Sweet Boy and I have had very little interaction, as he has been pretty preoccupied with his big brothers and I've been tending to sickie.

Tonight, when the boys were getting pjs on, Sweet Boy smashed his finger in the drawer. He came running to me and for the first time, allowed me to scoop him up and be maternal. I held him tight and kissed his tears. I told him about how we handle boo-boos in our family (we have a "boo-boo frog" that, instantly, heals all infirmities, realistic or otherwise). As I held him and the boo-boo frog to his fingers, I thanked God for finding me moments to connect.

Today, was better than yesterday...two full days under our belts.

God is good. My eyes are tired, but my heart is hopeful.


  1. Rebekah, I have been where you are. It is hardest thing I have ever done. Our 3 littles have been with is just over 2 years now. You can't do this, but HE can. Accept all the help he sends your way. Seek out more if you can find it. If I could go back to the old me I would say take all the help anyone offers. Take meals, housework help, mommies helpers, laundry helpers. You and Ben are meant to parent these children, but God will send many more to be his hands and feet for your children. You just have to be the constant in the storm right now. You don't have to navigate just hang on. My deep prayers are for you tonight.

  2. I've been there! Thank you for being so honest!!!!!!!!!

  3. Dear Rebekah, I have been reading your blog for a while but never commented. You are doing an amazing job even though you are feeling so overwhelmed. Bringing home new babies at any age is difficult and I can only imagine how hard it must be in your particular situation. You inspire me to be a more thankful mom and appreciate the little successful moments that can be found in every day!

    At the risk of being conceived as a know-it-all, you might consider taking Little Miss to the pediatrician. The symptoms you are describing sound troublesome. She might have an ear infection which makes it miserable for her to lay down and causes her pain, and wheezing in an infant is never a good sign. She might need some help feeling better which in turn will make all of you feel better.

    Thinking of you and cheering for every little success today, Annemieke

  4. I wish I lived closer to arrange meals, but I am in Alabama:) This post made me smile. These days will be a precious memory one day as you think back to how you survived with these babies.


  5. Praying you get some sleep tonight! I know how important that is!

  6. Thank you for your honesty! What a gift it is to be able to share in your experiences through your blog. I am new here, but have been so blessed by what you have shared. I will also join in praying for God to give you His rest. I remember memorizing this verse in a particularly challenging season as foster/adoptive parents: "Though my health may fail and my spirit grow weak, God is the strength of my heart." Psalm 73

  7. Rebekah,
    I am a long time blog follower and am inspired by your journey. We adopted our son when you adopted Ty, and we just were blessed through adoption with a baby boy a few weeks ago. In life, there are some people who say "yes!" and understand that most things worth doing or having can be difficult. Your family will reap the rewards of your loving approach and hard work! Take it one day at a time and know that you are in the prayers of many!! Congratulations on your expanded family :)

  8. Did you love Ty right away, or was that a gradual, get-to-know-you first kind of experience too?

  9. God will take you where you haven't chosen to go in order to produce in you what you could not do on your own. -Paul Tripp

  10. Why oh why must they always end up sick. I always say it is us all getting used to each other's germs. (I know she may have come with the cold). So not fun. Someday everyone will be well. Then the real healing can start :)

  11. Struggled so hard with this the weeks our legal risk baby girl arrived. She was sick and it was just so.much.harder to deal. Instead of feeling maternal, I just felt frustrated. Instead of bonding we all just struggled to get through. Eventually things got better... But it takes time and acting love instead of feeling it. You are on the right track! Praying for you!

  12. I'm reading this with watery eyes. My heart aching for you and the kiddos. Love that you had a special moment with each of them. God is good! I love that your girlfriend came over to lend a helping hand just when you needed it! Praying for strength and peace to you as you navigate this next chapter.