Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Bags Packed. Hearts Ready for Reunion.

In college, me and my bestie felt the need to belt Chantel Kreviawk's, Leaving on a jet plane, at the top of our out-keyed lungs, any time one (or both) of us left for home. It was neither constructive nor accurate. We never left by plane and always had a return date.

It still holds fast as one of my favorite pastimes and I cannot think of Laura's theatrical arm flails without smiling.

Today, I wish said bestie was available for one last encore performance (okay, maybe not last performance) as our small family heads to the Rocky Mountains. My bags are packed I'm ready to go. I am so excited.

I get all sorts of unsure stares and questioning smiles when I tell people we're headed to see Ty's mom. I get the occasional correction, "Oh, Rebekah, you are Ty's mom." Like I need to be told. Or I hear, "Wow. You guys are just so amazing." Again, like I need to be told. KIDDING. We are not extraordinary for accepting Rebekah into our family. She's family. We're acting normally. Most of my family lives out-of-state and we do our best to make yearly visits. Not out of obligation, but love. It's the same with Rebekah.

We are not flying to Colorado for her. We're flying to Colorado because we miss and love her. And we know there is one boy, in particular, that she is aching to hold, again. And I'm aching to watch. I know what she has sacrificed and missed these many months...

It's time to bring this family back together!

This week is special for me. We met Rebekah for the first time. These were my words, this time, last year:

We’re walking down the corridor of her apartment complex. Ben looks and me and says, “This is not normal. What we’re doing here, it’s not normal.” I know. I try to avoid eye contact to keep my emotions in check. Why is it that our most emotional conversations happen in hallways? I took a deep breath, threw him a quick I-love-you-to-the-ends-of-the-earth glance, and emphatically said, “We can do this.”

He knocks on the door; she opens. Rebekah. Our baby’s mama. All these weeks of talking and emailing and loving…and there she is. I squeeze her as hard as I can and wish I never had to let go. The next 10 hours are a whirlwind of activity as we treat the kids to a day of fun (go carts, laser tag, mini golf, etc).

Love is a funny thing. In its presence, the world doesn’t exist and when your heart morphs back to reality it’s changed for the better. One of Rebekah’s daughters kept hugging me throughout the day. As we snuggled close in a double-seated go cart, she leaned her head on my shoulder and whispered, “I’m so glad you’re part of our family, now.” As I choked back tears, all I could muster was, “Me too.”

Our last goodbyes to Rebekah, two months later, were no less emotional. After spending three weeks with her, last June, I had to muster the courage to say goodbye, not knowing when we'd ever meet again:

You can only imagine the goodbye emotions of two mothers…over one son. Our love for him the very same. It was so hard.

We both put on big girl faces. Our goodbye was brief. Our tears real - but limited. I know she was holding back…because I was too. If I had opened
the floodgates of my heart, I wouldn’t have been able to leave.

We shared lingering hugs. All I could say was, “There aren’t enough words to thank you.” She nodded her understanding, behind a veil of tears. I promised her that we would give Ty our all…and thank
her with his life.

I am teary thinking back to those days. In both those visits, our emotions and nerves were high. We might still be emotional, this time around, but it will be nice to relax in the security of our friendship. My last vision I have of Rebekah is kissing Ty, cheek to toe, drinking in his softness. My heart is thrilled to add chasing and giggles to those memories, as the boy she remembers has changed much.

I feel like a kid. I can't wait for her to hear his laugh and tickle his belly...to experience his sweetness. And to witness the fro-hawk. Pictures and videos just don't do his life justice.

I have worked hard to guard my heart against expectations. (On Ty's end, not Rebekah's). The mom in me wants Rebekah to experience the son in him. I know it's been 10 months, but deep down I want Ty to know her. I want him to feel rooted and home.

I know that he's young and shy and quick to the mommy shoulder cling, but I also know that my son possesses a deep, soulfulness. He is affectionate and loving by nature. An understanding in his eyes.

Either way, this is going to be good. God is not finished with our family. Rebekah. Ty. Ben. Me. There is more to come. This is an important chapter.

I won't keep you in the dark. Videos and pictures and heart stirrings to come....

Monday, March 29, 2010

Standing Still

I've always been terrible at taking time to stand still. When Ben and I were first married, I would walk in from work and immediately start making dinner, straightening the house, and penning lists for the next day. He'd constantly pull me to the couch and say, "Can you just be?" After eight years of marriage, the drill continues, except now I'm a willing participant.

The other day I caught the above moment at the park and it sent me on a reflecting binge. I thought about all the guys I could have, would have, and thought I should have married and thanked God for the one I did. Ben and I have grown up together and there were many times through young adulthood that I questioned my choice in boys. One of the big battles I struggled with, believe it or not, was Ben's faith. At 16, the most God-hungry boys were seemingly more outward with their worship, passion for life, and body art (good ol' 3:16 tattoos and the like). They talked the big talk and had girls swooning on every elbow. Ben was never that boy. He was always sure and confident, but quiet.

I didn't know the treasures he possessed until I married him.

When I look at him, today, I am so thankful...and so aware of my foolish, juvenile thoughts. I thought because Ben didn't run to the alter every Sunday or outwardly confess exaggerated sins that somehow made him less godly; less honorable. When I see where all those once passionate, God-chasers are, today, I understand the realness of what Ben has. He is steady. And loyal. And genuine.

We are so like-minded, me and him.

He is anchored in Truth. He knows what he believes and does not waver, left or right. I used to think I brought out the best in him until sweet Ty came along. They bring out the best in each other. When I experience them laughing in the nursery or reading on the couch, I know they share something special.

Their friendship secure.

I am so thankful for my boys. They challenge me to cherish our time and to drink in the sweet moments that would, otherwise, be quickly forgotten.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Open Adoption Interview Project

The Open Adoption Bloggers Network is celebrating one year and to mark the occasion I chose to participate in their Open Adoption Interview Project. I was humbled to be paired with Dawn from This Woman's Work. She is fantastic. You can read her interview of me on her blog and if you're interested in checking out the other participants, hop on over to Production Not Reproduction. Such a fun way to get to know other women in our community!

Dawn's credentials far outweigh mine as she has not only been published in Adoption Families magazinge, but also Parenting, Yoga Journal, and Wondertime. She has also been featured in Time magazine and the Washington Times and is currently working on a book with Jenna Hatfield that examines how openness is changing adoption in America. Her writing is magnificent, her spirit kind.

Dawn and her hubby, Brett, have two adorable kiddos. Noah was born to them in January of 1997 and Madison was born to her first mom, Pennie, in March 2004. I cannot even tell you how much I appreciate Dawn's candidness. As a fairly new, adoptive mom, I know I have a lot to learn and I drank in her words of experience.

So...grab a cup of java and enjoy my new friend on this cold, rainy afternoon.

You said this in one of your archived posts (it gripped me):

“I first started to get a sense of my inability to do it all perfectly when I realized I was infertile. A huge part of resolving my infertility was giving up this need I had to give him a sibling in what I believed was perfect time. I wanted him to have a specific big brother experience and once I realized that I couldn’t give him that, I understood that he also didn’t need it. That it was ok that I couldn’t make his life perfect.”

You talked about resolving you infertility. Can you share a little about that process and what it looked like? Has the infertility hold loosened its grip on your heart or does it still cause pain?

It was an ongoing process that started (although I didn’t know it) the day we decided to start trying for a sibling for Noah. I have recurrent miscarriages (I had two before we conceived Noah) and my doctors could never really give me a reason why. So part of grieving my infertility was grieving a lot of miscarriages, which made me wary of getting pregnant at all. I mean, I could get pregnant but stay pregnant? I didn’t jump up and down when I got a positive pregnancy test; I got terrified.

We did go to see an infertility doc and we ended up doing two IUIs – one with Clomid and one with injectables. We knew that was it for us because we knew that IVF wasn’t something that either of us was interested in since we didn’t want to deal with the ethics of frozen embryos, storing embryos, etc. Ironically we thought adoption had fewer ethical potholes. Little did we know!

Anyway, Brett wasn’t that interested in adoption (he thought it was something we could never afford) so letting go of further treatment meant letting go of another baby. Once I let go of getting pregnant, I realized, you know what? I want to parent again. Which is when I started looking seriously at adoption. When we found a program that fit our budget, we were good to go.

Does infertility still cause me pain? No. I have some “what if” thoughts now and then but these aren’t fertility specific. It’s more about wondering what it would be like to be a whole different person. Like sometimes I think, “Rats! I will never know what it’s like to be a professional musician!” (I have no musical talent; I just wonder what it would be like.) Or, “I wonder what it’s like to be a high-powered executive with a nanny and a housekeeper?” I don’t really want to be a high-powered executive with a nanny and a housekeeper, I’m just curious about it. Likewise I wonder what it would be like to have a surprise pregnancy or have a bunch of kids who all look like each other or to be able to say, “I think I’ll get pregnant” and then do it. But no, I have no more grief about it.

You also wrote: As a parent, one of my challenges has been to find the careful balance between taking responsibility appropriately and taking on too much responsibility. For example, my infertility journey wasn’t such a terrific thing for Noah. I was preoccupied and depressed and Noah couldn’t understand why I wanted another kid when he was so happy being an only child. There’s an entry somewhere in my archives where he said to me, “Why am I not enough for you?” I know it’s not the same as an adoptee struggling with hard-core feelings of rejection but I’m saying that every parent has to understand the way their choices impact our kids AND the limits of our ability to address that impact. Ultimately, our kids need to figure out how to live with inconvenient truths.

What would you say to families that are aching for another baby/child?

I wouldn’t say a thing but I’d listen. And if they were open to it, I’d tell them that it won’t always hurt this much and that it will get better. But I know that unless you’re ready to hear that, it doesn’t ring true.

What is the family dynamic having one child born to you and one child born to Pennie? More specifically, what attitudes/behaviors have you seen between Noah and Madison? What sort of questions have surfaced?

Oh my goodness, there’s really too much to even say. The adjustment was very hard for Madison and brought up a lot of her grief about the adoption. She couldn’t understand why Roscoe (her little brother) got to stay with Pennie and she had to come live with us. She was very jealous and very angry. Since Roscoe’s arrival, it’s gotten better although she still has a lot of processing to do. Recently when Pennie mentioned that she’s looking forward to having another baby, it all came up for her again – she was pretty mad about it and she will randomly bring it up. (She just brought it up with Brett when they were headed to the park. She said, “I don’t know how to tell you this, Daddy, but Pennie is going to have ANOTHER baby. I don’t know what she’s going to do with all those babies in her house!”)

Madison has really needed to know that Pennie grieves her, too and that Roscoe is not a replacement. She needs to know that Pennie misses her as much as she misses Pennie. Having that reassurance – that she’s not the only one hurting, that she is incredibly valuable to Pennie – has been a big part of her coming to terms with Roscoe’s arrival.

In other ways, her adjustment has been similar to any big sibling adjustment like jealousy that people make such a fuss over a baby, tremendous pride in “her” baby, and falling in love with someone smaller who is pretty dang adorable and thinks she walks on water.

As to Noah, he’s had a lot of sympathy towards Madison and has been a huge supporter of hers. He’s listened to her when she’s upset about Roscoe and before Roscoe was born, he talked to her a lot about his own adjustment and how scared he was, too, and reassured her that it would all work out. He’s been pretty great.

He thinks Roscoe is very cute and enjoys him but he’s never been much of a baby person. I think once Roscoe is walking and talking that they will have more of a relationship. Fortunately, Pennie and Tommy (Pennie’s partner) both see Noah as kind of an honorary big brother because that is definitely how Noah sees himself! He and Pennie have a great relationship that has really grown over the years. She was a big sister herself so they bond over that.

Can you talk to us about your relationship with Pennie (Would you like me to refer to her as "Pennie" or Jessica)? What about Madison's relationship with her?

We call her Pennie. We’ve always called her Pennie but when I first started blogging I used J since when we matched with her, we of course had no idea if she was THE one or not so we were cautious. Later when I wrote an essay about us, she gave me permission to use Jessica for the story. Still later I asked her if I could just call her Pennie already because some of my readers had met her and knew her as Pennie, too. So we call her Pennie. (She is very integrated in our lives. She lives across town but it’s a small town so that’s not far and there’s a lot of mixing of our Facebook friends!)

My relationship with her? We’re pretty close. I kind of think of her as a little sister (I’m fourteen years older). I enjoy her a lot – she’s funny and smart and interesting. I admire her a lot, too, because she has tremendous perseverance and bravery. She and Madison both have this sunny personality type that inspires me to try not to get mired in my gloom. I have learned a lot from her and I love her.

Madison’s relationship has definitely grown and deepened as she’s become more cognizant of what having a birth mother means. It was a process. When she was much younger, she knew Pennie was special and she knew Pennie was her birth mom but she didn’t quite get what that meant. Then when she was a little less than two, she figured it out and that was HUGE. It was huge and it was painful for her (for Madison). It was also huge for Pennie who realized how vital she was to Madison’s life. It’s like something “clicked” in Madison’s brain and their relationship got onto a new, deeper groove.

Lately Madison’s world has been about making sense of having two mommies and her feelings of loyalty and insecurity about that. Losing one mommy has made her more worried about losing two so that’s an ongoing discussion especially because the more she shares how much she loves Pennie, the more worried she gets that I will be angry or hurt about this. I have had to be very very very explicit that I am NOT in competition with Pennie nor is Pennie with me. I have had to say deliberately (there’s a lot about this in my blog), “You can hug Pennie. It makes me happy to see you hug her. I LOVE when you hug her!” (that conversation started here)

It’s been very gratifying to see them come into their own relationship!!!

Since I've only been an adoptive mom for 9 months (many of my readers less!), I'm really interested in the progression of Madison and how she's grown with her adoption story. How did you start out talking about adoption? When did she start asking questions? What sort of questions did she ask? What sort of questions did Noah ask?

We didn’t start talking about adoption – it has always been an ongoing discussion. It’s a continuation of a dialogue that began with Noah when we first decided to adopt. (We got the call that Pennie chose our profile on his seventh birthday. I had a house full of kids and moms when the agency called so there was a lot of excitement coming over the line from our end!) Noah’s questions at first were about the transracialness of the adoption; he was very worried about having a family that didn’t “match.” A lot of our earlier discussions were about that and about the practicalities of where the baby would sleep and whether he would have to share his toys.

When Madison was born, we knew we wanted him to meet Pennie along with Madison even though beforehand we figured he shouldn’t meet the baby until the papers were signed. But then we realized that he was also emotionally invested in what might happen and that if Pennie ended up parenting, he would need to see her and see Madison and know that this was ok. And if she ended up placing, then we wanted him to meet Pennie first as Madison’s mom so he would understand who she was and – in case the openness petered out – he would have a memory of it to share with his little sister because we knew Madison would be hungry for details. (At that point, we had NO IDEA what our open adoption would look like. We were all just feeling our way.)

Anyway, it was around eighteen months or so that Madison started getting a handle on her adoption story. We had a friend who was pregnant and Madison, like most toddlers, was interested in that. She was intrigued by my friend’s belly and liked feeling the baby kick. She was very verbal very young so she asked a lot of questions. Then, this day, it all fell into place and she finally got it:

Read Here

Since then her questions have gotten deeper. When she discovered that Roscoe was on his way and that she’d be a big sister, her questions began to focus on her birth dad, with whom we have no contact.

Now, looking back, what advice would you give to new adoptive parents?

It really depends on where they are in the process and what their concerns are. I’d encourage them to read the stories of adult adoptees – the happy and the angry and the sad and the joyful – and understand that we can’t control how our children feel about their adoptions. And that our kids can feel lots of different ways including happy, angry, sad and joyful. Also our job is not to save them from pain but to love them and offer comfort when they are pained. Over at OpenAdoptionSupport.com we get a lot of questions that go, “How can I protect my child from hurting over XYZ?” and the truth is, we can’t. Part of growing up is learning to process their stories and we can help our kids by being age-appropriately honest (and little kids understand a lot more than we realize) and by being open to the questions, thoughts and feelings.

Finally I would say, hey, just because your kids never bring up those hard topics doesn’t mean they aren’t thinking about it. Sometimes we have to take the lead. Madison didn’t tell me she was afraid of hugging Pennie in front of me; I had to ask. Asking opened the floodgates and since then her relationships with Pennie and with me have improved. So it’s worth risking saying the “wrong” thing as long as you give your kid the chance to correct you and get it right.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Ty's 9th Month

Wow. Nine months old. He's been with me as long as he was with her.

Being mom is amazing. The best actually. We were talking to neighbors the other day (out from winter hibernation) and Ty buried his shy cheeks into my neck. My heart flipped. I've never been that mom. I've never been the one that baby jumped up and down for after a long day of work. I've never been the make-it-all-better mom or the mom-knows-best mom. And I was certainly never the I-just-want-my-mom mom. Until now.

There's nothing like it.

There's an ornate, superstar-like mirror hanging deliberately in the entrance way of Ty's room. When he was only weeks old, I'd stop and look at us in the mirror. His soft newborn head cradled in close. The real-time portrait made me cry every time. Momma and son. As the weeks turned into months the crying stopped and the stares were shorter. Until yesterday. Yesterday, I noticed the woman in the mirror was carrying a boy. A boy with dangling legs and crazy hair. A boy that can barely hold still for a minute unless his graham crackered hands are furiously signing more. A boy who just moments before had pulled himself up to standing, in the bathtub.

I don't know what it was about this month, but his legs got meatier and his laughs deeper. My consistent cuddlebug is, now, only good for one hug, not four. He insists on standing during play, yet still refuses to crawl. He never fails to make me laugh and his manic behavior toward food is noteworthy.

I've continued to make all his baby food and, this month, started whipping up fresh juices, as well. Green beans are the only enemy. I have to sandwich them between peas to get little man to eat them. New foods this month included: cheese, pepperoni, non-pureed fruits, fish, cheerios, and graham crackers.

The pediatrician has Ty in the 25th percentile for both height and weight, but the 95th for his nogg'n. We have a long future of zip up hoodies.

Ty's biggest compliments continue to be his eyes and hair. We've started an early morning gel routine to combat the frizz.

This is one amazing boy.

Speaking of amazing, we're off to see Rebekah in only two more weeks! This is one reunion that can't come fast enough. I know God has great things in store for our time together.

I'll leave you with Ty's newest video. He's somewhat of a show-off when it comes to new tricks!

Happy ninth month, baby boy!

Monday, March 15, 2010

The Face of Blessing

My heart was wrecked this week.

God has been stirring me so violently that I feel I might explode. It isn't just this week, it's been the last several months. For about a year I have felt this deep nudging toward simplicity. If you know me in real life you might find that peculiar, because you know we do live simply. I find it strange too. For weeks, I've felt an extreme urgency to cut unnecessary expenses, create aggressive payoff loan strategies, and donned a new, money-tightening mindset.


Don't know.

Naturally, all of those principles are good in practice, especially in a tough economy...but the economic climate isn't driving this. God is.

I'm just going with the flow.

Last week, I was glued to this community as I experienced Kenya through the eyes of fellow bloggers. I am not exaggerating when I say their trip changed my life. All of the sudden the voices of simplicity started making sense. My eyes were open wide to a reality that thousands of Kenyans are living.

The Compassion Bloggers were advocating for hundreds of Kenyan children that needed sponsoring and the awareness they brought was impossible to turn from. Ben and I were compelled to do our part and searched through countless faces for the newest extension of our family. A few minutes in, my ever-discerning husband said, "This is morbid. We're not picking out a new pair of shoes...this is a life. Let's just sponsor the longest waiting."

And so we did.

Baraka is his name. Nine years old. His name means blessing in Swahili. His picture came in the mail, today, and my heart swelled with love. He probably wasn't chosen for his seriousness. He lacks the irresistibly captive smile that advertises often and hardship is etched on his face.

It was about this time, last year, that we first received Ty's ultrasound pictures. We proudly displayed them on the fridge. Countless times I'd wander by, looking for excuses to catch a glimpse of our son. Today, I found myself doing the same. When I look at sweet Baraka, I see another adopted son. A son who lives a world away. A son I'll likely never meet.

As God continues to expand my heart and family, I wonder, Lord what do you have next?

If you haven't read the Blogger diaries from Compassion's Kenya trip, go now. Allow God to rip your heart open and enlarge your worldview.

"Whoever welcomes a little child like this in my name welcomes me."
Matthew 18:5

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Q & A

Let's talk MTV's Teen Mom...
Q: I was watching MTV's Teen Mom show the other day. There is a young couple that chose an open adoption. They are having a hard time at how "open" their adoption is. Such as they do not know the last name of the couple and so on. Have you seen it and do you have any feelings on their situation.

A: I have heard a lot about this show and just recently watched my first episode after my sister described it as MTV's "most quality television." Meaning, their portrayal of kids raising kids is realistic and hopefully transforming the fantasies of teen pregnancy. The episode I watched was a one year update on each couple or ex-couple as it was. I agree with my sister. It is great television. It's real. It's raw. It's challenging.

Back to your question on openness. I was just reading an Adoptive Families article on open adoption and how many different facets exist. Every situation truly is unique...because we're unique. Every expectant mother and every adopting family feel and look different. What's important is that [ideally] everyone is coming together and putting the child's needs first. If an expectant mother just can't bear the pain of seeing her child in the arms of another family over and over again, I would respect that. It's a little harder for me to make statements on the adoptive family side because...well...there are some couples that base their decisions on openness out of fear. Not all. But some. For me, it would be very difficult to have a closed adoption. I'm not saying I wouldn't do it, because obviously there are situations like Safe Haven, where information is simply not available. A closed adoption would be hard for me, however, because I know how challenging it would be for our child. Especially given the openness that exists between Rebekah and Ty. I feel like I'm writing and re-writing here because I want to be careful in what I say. Every situation really is different and can't be judged.

It was hard for me to watch the MTV couple mentioned because it seemed like they wanted more. More pictures. More contact. More openness. I am thankful that Rebekah and I are great communicators. That we're not afraid to talk stuff through. We both want what's best for little Tyrus and having Rebekah in his life is best.

Let's talk Ty...
Q: On another blog I noticed you wrote that Ty was a mixed race. I thought he was just "white" what is the other race?

A: Ty is actually half Hispanic/half Caucasian. Ben and I were just reliving a sweet conversation that took place in the mountains, while visiting Rebekah and her family. The kids all wanted to pile in our car on the way to dinner and an explosion of questions erupted. Some made us laugh; others made us cry. One that got us all smiling was, "Do you know that your baby will be brown?" We were all surprised when Ty came out white as can be! Some of my favorite words by Rebekah were:

"He was nothing like I imagined. He didn't look like [birth father], he didn't look like me....he looked like Tyrus. He was so beautiful, and tiny and I fell instantly in love. Ben cut the cord, and we all just stared at him and listened to him cry. I had tears running down my face...he is amazing."

Let's talk hair...
Q: What kind of product do you use on your hair? I have curly hair as well, but they have discontinued the product that I loved and am now on the search for the next best thing!

A: I have spent years trying to accept and make my curls look good! For a long time I used salon products only, but in the last few years I've been digg'n store brands. Here's my perfectly engineered concoction:

Fruictis Hair Gel - Super Hold
(I scrunch a healthy dose of it through my hair, avoiding roots)

Fruictis Mousse - Curly Hair
(A small amount at my roots only)

got2Be - "Glued"
(Use a teeny tiny bit or you'll look like you fell in the greaser)

This is an exact science...I do not pat my hair dry when I get out of the shower. Yes this means it's dripping all over - dress fast! I quickly get dressed and start diffusing right away (not longer than 5 minutes out of the shower) and I only spend 15 minutes drying it. It's never fully dry when I'm done. I spend most of my time on the roots and let the ends dry so that they curl nice. That is probably more than you ever wanted to know about my hair.

Let's talk controversy...
The following questions are mean-spirited, but worth answering. I'm not going to get into who or where they came from, but I would like to say this. If you read this blog and take issue with something I say, please email me. Ask me about it. If something I write causes a check in your spirit, challenge me. I welcome that! I'm certainly not perfect and often write from a place of passion...not necessarily the throne room. God's still working on my heart. Please extend the same grace to me that he's given you.

Q: Ty's 14 year old sister really misses him, but you won't let her meet him? How is that bonding?

A: Ty's 14 year old sister does miss him and has probably taken the adoption the hardest. Three of the four kids were out of state for the birth so most of them didn't have the chance to meet sweet Ty. We are all very excited, however, about our reunion next month! The three of us will be flying to Colorado for some long overdue hugs!


Q: How can it be HEALING to hear a person say that it is as if your adopted child came from your own womb? [In reference to this post]

A: When I talked about the Judge's words being "healing," what I meant was that it closed the chapter on infertility for me. The enemy lied to me for years that I would never be a mother. I heard words like - you are not woman....you are not mother...you are not deserving.

I had to hang on to small promises that God had written on my heart and trust that the desire to be a mom was HIS desire in me....not just something I wanted. When I heard the judge say it would be as if we had this child in our marriage, it was emotional because I never thought I would have a child (in or outside my marriage). It took us 6 years. When I heard the judge speak those words, I heard a recurring love song from my heavenly Father. He was singing, "I am faithful to do all that I've set out to do."

I am a mother because HE called it into being.

My feeling of healing had nothing to do with Tyrus or the legalities or the process. I wasn't waiting to hear it or even needing to hear it. And to be honest I haven't thought about it since. The healing I found was strictly between me and my Savior.

Q: What is the real motivation behind your blog?

A: I've hear all kinds of things. You're doing this for money...You're doing this to get another baby...You're doing this so you can publish a book....You're doing this to fill some canyon like hole in your heart...blah, blah, blah.

None of the above mentioned reasons are true. And I think you've all stuck around because you know that, too. I started this blog for one reason. To document our journey. I wanted our son or daughter to experience the ache and love in our heart. My early posts were not read by many, but I never cared. I blog because I enjoy it. I love to write and this has been a constructive outlet. I would love to be a published author some day, but that really has nothing to do with this blog and I certainly don't make any money, here. That doesn't mean I wouldn't like to make money. Who wouldn't want to quit their job, stay home with their beautiful boy, and do something they love? Money is not my motivator. God is. And right now, I'm content on the path he is leading me down.