Day 50

It's hard to believe it has been 50 days. It has been quite a whirlwind and my heart is a ball of emotions. On one hand, I feel like our dream is finally becoming "real," but on the other I am nervous and concerned about the months ahead.

Let's first talk about the realness. In a very short amount of time we have finished all but our final homestudy meetings. We have successfully completed all the paperwork, evaluations, physicals, reference letters, employer letters, profiles, fingerprintings (tomorrow), adoption classes, and read most of our books. It doesn't seem so daunting to read through that list, but it was! All we have left (to my knowledge) are 3 meetings with our caseworker--one in her office, individual interviews, and then one in our home. We meet with Jodi (our caseworker) next Tuesday and have yet to set up the other appointments. I am stunned that we have made it this far. It might sound absurd, but I was expecting someone along the way to say, "you know you're not actually qualified..." or "this isn't going to work out." I was even more petrified that something was going to happen on the money end of things. That we were going to get this far and then be told "sorry, I'm not able to help you." The fact that everything has been so smooth is shocking! We have even had 3 possible birth moms come across our path in the meantime! Two didn't work out for varying reasons, but we're still waiting to hear about the third. All elements combined have made us say, "Wow! This is really happening!"

Now about the concerns. This week, I heard/read about 3 different couples that left hospitals empty handed because birth parents chose to parent their children. It seems like 2 or 3 matches is more of a norm for adopting parents, than an exception. So many people have nonchalantly asked, "So when do you get your baby." It takes me aback every time. This process is not cut and dry. There's no security or assurance...and certainly no "easy" button. The mom that is looking at us now isn't due for several months. That concerns me. The moment I heard her story my heart expanded. Love I didn't know existed, overflowed. Not just for the baby, but for the mom too. I cannot wrap my head around the idea that nothing is certain. No matter what anyone says. The "what if's" can be suffocating. Trusting God is not an easy answer, although many throw it around like it is. I do, however, know it's the ONLY answer. I have to trust God for my family. I have to trust Him that the child meant for us will come in His perfect timing, not mine, not anyone else's.

I'm at peace knowing that we've done our part. There's nothing left to do but sit and wait.