Day 122

It’s been a weird week. My emotions are all over the place.

· The official month-end countdown has begun. For those that don’t remember, our caseworker assured me we would be on the waiting list by the end of the month. She was on vacation last week [again], but promised our paperwork would be done this week.

· I tried my hand at a jumping trapeze...of sorts...and it left me unusually sore...

· I made a new friend.

· I went to a party. That wasn’t significant. Watching a new mom hold her baby to her chest while he slept, was. I felt the ache. I haven’t felt it in a long time. I think all the excitement and busy-ness of going through the process distracted me. It's an ache that only those on this side of expecting can understand.

· I emailed a local crisis pregnancy center our profile and told them our story. The director called me back right away and was thrilled to receive it. We chatted about their services and our heart for adoption. She asked if we could meet, in person, and questioned where I lived in Ohio--er--that's right. I thought I was calling the pregnancy center in Oxford, Michigan. Turns out I was actually talking to a woman in Oxford, Ohio. I laughed out loud. Apparently, I overlooked that part of the address on yellowpages(dot)com. Never know how God will move, right?

· I’ve been working hours of overtime and am exhausted to the bone.

· I made the decision to have a shower before we're placed and am already questioning it. (Whydoes everything feel so unnatural?)

· I ate an entire container of blueberries in one day.

· I watched the movie “Bella” and cried. The pain of choosing adoption for your child must be so difficult; I can’t imagine that we’ll ever get picked.

· I received our first “Waiting Families” email from the agency. They’re holding a class in September to encourage families during the wait. Am I arrogant for not feeling the need to go?

· The Lord whispered my name and my heart stirred.

· I finally found two girl names that Ben and I both like.

· A family friend/pastor called me and asked me to speak at their women’s breakfast in October. My spirit jumped alive…It’s been too long.

This week, my birthday, the waiting list - it's all made me reflect. Last year, October, was the beginning. I don’t even know what to call “it”…pain? depression? ache? death? formation? Words fall short of describing what my heart went through in the past 12 months, but it has left me changed….challenged…inspired. When I accepted the invitation to speak, breath filled my lungs and I heard my heart beat. It’s been a long time.