Day 79

"Though it cost all you have, get understanding."
Proverbs 4:7

I've been stewing for a couple days. Not in a smoldering anger kind of way, but in a "God, what do I do?!" way. I love Proverbs 4:7. Every time I read it, the words grip my heart as they jump off the page. Though it cost all you have, get understanding. Get understanding. For me, this has meant: do whatever it takes to search out the heart of God for my life. There were points in my life where I wrote these words on my heart and passionately pursued Him with reckless abandon. I mean it. I didn't care what anyone else thought or said, I only lived to please my King. Still...there have been other times that I questioned the Father. Pleaded, begged, sobbed for answers I did not understand. Tonight, I fall somewhere in-between.

I allowed infertility to harden my heart...and allowing the sweet balm of Jesus to soften the folds, has not come swiftly. As I work toward passion once again, I think about Proverbs 4:7. In the last few years, the Lord has remained mum on why we haven't been able to conceive a child. Not a peep. Do you know how difficult that is? [I know most of you do] Not a "trust me" or "remember my promise" and I certainly never heard, "your time is coming." I don't know about you, but God talks to me. I hear his voice. Clear as day sometimes. Yet, I have heard nothing in regards to having a child.

Tonight, I am whole. I'm not emotional. I'm not angry. I'm not even anxious. I am in complete and total peace. Infertility did not come cheap, and I'm not talking money (although we did spend plenty of that!) Everything I thought I believed was stripped down...every emotion I thought I had experienced intensified, every unasked question I was too respectful to ask, I screamed...Every aspect of who I am was broken. Countless times throughout my life I have prayed, "Lord, your will be done." It's not until tonight, amidst my musing, that I can see the fulfillment. A few short months ago I was a small girl laying on the bathroom floor with nothing left, but faint breath. Understanding had cost me all I had. I was too wrapped up in the pain to see how God had answered my prayer. And I don't think I've stopped long enough, through the adoption process, to see the beauty of arrived understanding. However, today I began to see my life unfold and the wonder of it leaves me breathless. It's not just the baby. It's my passion, my talents, my dreams...they are beginning to take clear paths before my eyes. All of the sudden, I am able to see God's plan before me and all the elements working together. I am astonished. Instantly, I understand...I understand why I had to endure the heartache. I understand the years of brokenness. I understand my recent bouts of anger.

I confess. I have been struggling with the onslaught of insensitive remarks that have carelessly [even if unknowingly] been brought on by ignorance. I wasn't sure why they were hurting my feelings so much, until tonight. On Sunday, after asking me how the adoption process was going, a man said to me, "I'm still trusting God for a miracle; I believe you will get pregnant." After hearing variations of the same thought vocalized--time and time again--I'm ready to go on an adopting mom rampage. Tonight was the last straw. I'm in Home Depot, buying another can of paint for the baby's room, when the employee pretends to be interested and asks, "So...what's the project?" I excitedly answer, "I'm putting the finishing touches on our baby's room."

"Oh...you're pregnant?" He quizzically gives me an up-down.

Genuine laugh. "No, no, I'm not pregnant. We're adopting."

His response? [Brace yourself] "Oh. Well, that's okay, too."

My dry, but pointed response. "I know."

I got to the Jeep and let the fury flow. Had a complete and total stranger really just given me the "a-ok" for adoption? Did he think I really needed his stamp of approval? Did he think his response gave me peace of mind? I knew I needed to step back and think when my alter ego "raging lunatic girl" wanted to stomp back to the help desk and beat him to a pulp. Because I can't take out every ignoramus on the planet I cried, "Lord, why does this make me so angry?"

And the answer came...

It has taken me years of turmoil to truly see the hand of God on my life. To accept His will; His plan..and to be thrilled by it. When someone makes what-they-perceive-to-be-godly or maybe just down-right "friendly" comment, it cuts straight to my heart. It contradicts Truth for my life. It negates everything God has taught...all the progress...all the dying to self...and offers a pat reminder of what the old me used to relish. My friends, I believe these comments--no matter how innocent the intent--are anti-Christ, in accordance to the plan He has paved for me. Why can't people just accept adoption as part of the plan?

God has created me for this time, for this moment, for this child. THIS IS HIS PLAN. I'm not going to let anyone tell me otherwise. Because I can't go smashing faces in [smile], I'm going to start being frank with those that dish their godly wisdom. If people truly care about Ben and I they will stop praying pregnancy and start praying preparation. Preparation for the power of God that's about to be unleashed in our lives.

Day 78

Another great weekend with a mix of two of my favorite elements: Loving on friends and crossing items off my to-do list!!

We started the weekend at a family friend's birthday party. I had some good quality time with my Eva...or "blue" as Ben coins her ("niece" by way of Meeghan). I am forever bonded to this girl and love her like my own. If you've never heard the story of her rapid entry into this world, it's a must read! Click here to see our story.

Ben spent some time with Eva's big sis, Melia, and I captured a cute moment of them sharing a slurpee...







And yes, that is a bowl on Ben's head. Don't ask. Watching him with the girls warms my heart; he's going to be such a great dad! His capacity to love is amazing and his ability to relate adorable. I can't imagine how any birth mom could pass him up...granted, his profile pics don't include bowls...

The highlight of my weekend was spending time with my girls! Not only are they the best friends any girl could ask for they came over to help finish paining the baby's room!

Meeghan, Rachael, Me, and Laura

I am convinced, that without their help the project would have taken me days! In a few short hours we were able to finish the stripes and the room looks AWESOME! I'm so glad I took the extra time to do the stripes horizontal, the room is so bright and fun...and thanks to the Bulls-Eye it looks like it was painted by professionals! Far better than crossing the stripes off my to-do list was spending time with a few of my favorite people. These girls are just as excited as we are, to bring home baby; my heart overflows with the overwhelming support they provide. Once everyone left, I sat in the quiet of the space, rocking my love into the room. I thought about all the nights I'm going to be awake...all the times I'm going to be up with baby...and how I'll never forget this day...the conversation, the love, the people. God has truly given me fullness of friendships.

Rachael, of course, brought Baby Nya along to help! She's growing fast and melts my heart each time I see her. Interestingly enough, she looks just like me (especially baby pictures). It warms my heart that there's one baby in this world that will look like me! Isn't it funny how God doesn't spare a detail?

By next weekend, I should have a well-started baby's room (I'll be sure to post the progress)! The cowhide rug comes tomorrow; crib and changing station over the weekend. Here's the furniture I picked out:

I absolutely LOVE it. And I love the price even more. Both pieces were only $425.00 at Walmart!! The same pieces are sold at other leading stores for hundreds more! I can't wait to see it all come together! I've decided to change up the theme a little. Moo La La meets ROCKstar is the new theme...and to those nervous nellies it will come together in a fantastic way! I'm in the market for a rock'n black be-jeweled chandelier and I'm currently working on some creative artwork that will help tie in the rockstar theme. Ben really got on board when I approved a fender logo and other gutiar designs! More to come...

Day 74

Home Study Part 2 Complete

Our individual interviews are done! Only one more step until we're approved!! I still can't believe this is happening. My heart questions the smoothness of the process. Really, no hiccups? It's this 'easy'? [I use the term loosely] I'm fearful that clear paths = rocky futures. I'm praying, as I'm sure every adoptive mother does, Lord, let it be quick. I would rather have the "there's a baby at the hospital for you" call then "a mother's picked you, she's 3 months along" call. But... like everything else, I have no choice in the matter.

The interview was easy. Case worker (Jodi) asked about family (a LOT about family) and my view of Ben. My view of me. There was one question that blind-sighted me. After about an hour of family/upbringing/siblings talk, Jodi asked [real serious mind you], "Are you satisfied with the intimacy of your relationship?" A smile here to Timbuktu spread across my face. I know I was doing that goofy I-don't-want-to-be-laughing-at-this-but-
I-can't-help-it smile, but I couldn't erase it. I gave in to the lopsided grin and responded with a simple "you have no idea!" She smiled back, "I do. I can tell." Thank God we moved right along.

I ended our meeting by asking more questions without answers. That's the worst part. The unknown. I asked her to clarify our conversation in the last meeting about a Caucasian baby. Real subtle-like I said, "You lead me to believe that we would most likely not be chosen for a Caucasian baby." She answered with, "For sure. That won't happen. Your child will be bi-racial or African American." Right. You gotta love brutal honesty!

I wasn't asking for fear of cold feet. I love the idea of being a trans-racial family. I was asking from an economic stand point. We declared open to all races, which equates a $1200 fee. If we choose only bi-racial or African American then the fee is waived. My savvy shopper instinct kicked in as I put two and two together. "So, if we're not going to get a Caucasian child then why don't we choose the bi-racial, African American path and ditch the fee?"

"You can," was her answer. "If you choose the trans-racial program you actually only have to do a one page profile--a lot less information is needed. We try to make it as easy as possible to sway others into the program."

Excuse my bluntness [I did not say this to Jodi]. Are they just giving these kids away? Less fees, less information, less wait. What is wrong with this picture??? All I know is that I've been assured we'll get snatched within 6 months, opposed to the 2+ year wait for Caucasian infants. Crazy!

I'm not diving into the politics or semantics of the situation, tonight. I'm rejoicing that momhood is right around the bend.

[oh, and we decided to remain "open." We want to give God all options.]

Day 72...er...or Day 73 (it's 12:09am)

When days don't go as planned...

Why am I so surprised when things don't go as planned? You'd think I would have learned by now! First of all, I sat down to order our profile pictures and realized that my pictures were WAY too large for the alloted sizes. I had spent all my time concentrating on picking close-up shots, that I failed to read the dimensions I was given to work with. It is impossible to shrink down a 4x6 face shot to fit a 2.5x3.5 slot! I had to redo most of our pictures [sigh] and spent a good chunk of time searching for new ones! Ben and I quickly took some new pics in the front yard for our "Rebekah Loves..." and "Ben Loves..." sections. I don't like mine as much as the first, but hopefully you think the ones we chose are warm and friendly!



I was then told that I talk too much...about adoption. Yup. Allegedly, it's all I talk about. [How can I not?] I try to live a balanced life, but apparently I'm failing miserably at it. Such a small comment reeked havoc on my emotions. I just wanted to throw my hands in the air and scream. If I'm not being invited to baby showers or asked when we're going to have kids, I'm being told my heart is consumed with adoption. I can't win. Seriously, people. Throw a girl a bone! My initial reaction was anger, but thankfully holy spirit breath rested on my heart. Although I don't understand how someone who can get pregnant should question my quest for trying, I let it go and made a conscious decision to not talk about adoption unless asked. I don't want to dominate conversations and bore people to tears! Thankfully, this is an adoption blog, so I can speak freely here!

As if the pictures and my talking weren't enough to send me over the edge, our caseworker called to cancel our meeting today (Round two of homestudy--out of three). In one fell swoop I was flabbergasted, indignant, and totally disappointed. Don't these people know that we wait with baited breath for every meeting...every step closer to our baby? How COULD she cancel? I had to take a deep breath and remember that although my life may revolve around this process, hers certainly doesn't. It's a job. She could have canceled for any number of reasons and it's her prerogative. Although I'd still like her to come to a meeting whether ill or not, she definitely shouldn't have to! I was completely bummed out, but thankfully she re-scheduled for Wednesday, so I don't have to wait too long!

The good news? Our little cancellation plus two extra tickets, came to equal one fantastic night of Bon Jovi!!The profile pictures turned out fine, maybe I do talk incessantly about adoption, and we're still able to meet with our case worker, this week. Nothing earth shattering and well worth the fun night with my heart sisters. I couldn't live life without them!

Real girls. Genuine hearts. No boundary friendship.
Love you Laura and Andi!

Day 71

I heart weekends. Seriously. I'm as busy as a colony of ants during the week, but live for weekends full of friends, family, and REST. Weekends are the best! Especially holiday weekends!!!

I want to first start off by thanking so many people for commenting on my last blog. I seriously call all of you, in blogworld, my friends. It is so encouraging and affirming to hear all of your stories that relate so closely to mine! Whether adopting or not, we share the same heart for people...especially babies. I'm not sure what the solution to our down-spiral society is, but I'm praying. Hard. I'll let you know what comes of it!

Okay, back to the weekend. It was one of those weekends where I got to do a little bit of everything and I saw most of the people I love most. On the 4th, I got to spend time with my family (which is rare because most live out of state). Little Nya Grace is still the most beautiful baby I've ever seen. I mean seriously look at her. She has dimples just like her mama! I can't wait to giver her a little cousin!

My family is full of talent and I do mean FULL of talent. Our parents instilled a strong sense of "You can do anything you set your mind to" and it has proven to show itself in beautiful, creative and practical ways. My sis, Rachael, really wanted a stork in the front yard to celebrate Nya's birth. Other families would spend the $100 a week and rent a puny 5ft bird for the occasion. NOT MY FAMILY! No, sir. Rachael free hands a stork on some plywood (days after giving birth), my dad cuts it out with the saw, and the rest of the fam pitches in to sand and paint the thing. This stork stands at an impressive 8 ft tall! The coolest part [well, for me] is that Rachael wanted me to be able to use it too, so she made a star with Nya's information...and a heart for our baby, when the time comes! How special is that? Here's the pic--I KNEW you'd want to see it with your own eyes!

I also got a great jump start on the baby's room...do you know how foreign that sounds to say? In case you forgot, the theme is Moo La La...Sophisticated Cow. I didn't want to overwhelm the walls with cow print, but I still wanted them to have a little extra pizazz. I settled for horizontal stripes in two light shades of celery (remember the chair mom and sis bought is sage colored).


What I thought was going to take me days [maybe even weeks, with my schedule!], took a matter of hours with my new best friend. Meet the BullsEye. Perfect for all your horizontal striping needs!It's hard to see in the picture, but you hang the BullsEye on the wall with a small pin and it shoots level lasers across either side of the wall for perfect lines! I had to do very little measuring and I never had to worry about my lines being straight. My sister Gabrielle and sweet friend Meeghan came over and we had that room taped in to shape in a matter of a couple hours! Look at how cool the stripes are:
Don't get too impressed. The paint train slowed WAY down when I was working on painting the stripes today, by myself. You are only looking at a corner in the room because that's all I have finished so far! All the darker green stripes are done, but I have a ways to go. It still takes a long time because I have to peel up all the darker green tape and re-tape for the lighter green. Of course, there's bleeding and hiccups along the way that will need to be fixed too. A little time consuming, but well worth it. I love the look!

I also ordered a very essential part of the room, this weekend. A genuine cowhide rug! How cool is THIS going to look in the room:















And I don't want to hear any PETA comments. The poor cow already got eaten! I've seen similar hides in the stores that our just beautiful and amazingly soft. I ordered it on eBay, so we'll see how it looks! (I am able to return it)


Ben went back to the doctor to see how his collarbone is healing. Sadly, not very well. He's made little progress and is totally bummed out. You can see the break in the picture. it follows the curve of the bone [look all the way through the ribs]. The bad news is that Ben's summer plans are completely ruined...the good news? I'm totally attracted to Ben's x-ray man. Lean and muscular... man! I sure love me some Ben.

We had fun with close friends last night--BBQ and bonfire--and played hookey this morning...Slept in and went to breakfast with Chris & Meeghan!! It was a great weekend and it's still not over! I'm ordering pictures for our profile online and then we're off to the Rayners for more BBQing and pool time.

Me and Melia (Neice#1 by way of friends) She's trying very hard to smile for the camera!

Day 67 (For the 2nd Time Today)

Anyone see it? Last week I was reading my favorite guilty pleasure [PEOPLE magazine] and I saw this advertisement. My eye naturally catches all things pregnant and I stopped to read the page.

THE SECRET LIFE OF THE AMERICAN TEENAGER

A new ABC Family Original Series. Premieres July 1.

The girl looks to be about 15. And pregnant. Hmpf. I flipped to the next page quickly and tried to continue reading, but the celebs and hot buys were just not keeping my attention. While I looked through the week's "hot bachelors" all I could think about was said girl on page 8. I gave in, ripped out the ad, and asked Ben to set it on the DVR. It's a complete dichotomy. I know in my heart I shouldn't watch or read stories of young girls getting pregnant....yet there's something that draws me in--attracts me to their ability. There has been a lot of stir in the Media lately from Juno to Baby Mama [couldn't bring myself to watch that one] to the 17 girls at Gloucester High. My heart screams shut it out; my mind craves more.

Curiosity won and I watched the premier over a late dinner. Here's my synopsis. Acting HORRIBLE. Christians (and they're blatant) FRUITY. Story line...heartbreaking. It's unclear what the show's message will portray (I'm sure it will reveal itself in the next few episodes). Teens having sex is the premise, but not in a steamy, explicit way. Rather an awkward trying-to-find-love-and-acceptance way. I was cheering for a Juno-ending for the purpose of those trying to adopt. We could use more media-light on the beauty of adoption. But, alas, the show is only an hour, and the girl 4 weeks pregnant. To find the answer I'd be forced to commit to a season of drama--and teenage drama at that. Not really my thing.

I turned the TV off and felt a stir of emotions. I was angry and sad, indifferent yet bitter, jealous, but at peace. I went to the message boards (again, I just can't quite get enough) and found several forums talking about the premiere. One forum was labeled "Teens Facing Pregnancy." I kid you not, there were over 70 posts. "I'm 15 and in a similar situation...", "I just turned 17 and am afraid my parents are going to freak out...", "How soon should I tell my boyfriend?", "I'm 14 and know others that are in my situation, but am afraid to start telling people..." Page after page, I read every post. Every line. The advice was even more appalling. What is going on in our society that it's now "ok" for 14 and 15 year olds to get pregnant? Even worse, is that all the reply posts were encouraging the moms to parent. Parent! How can a 15 year old parent a child? My soul is ripped to shreds. I'm so angry and it's not about my lack of pregnancy, it's the acceptance of theirs!

To add to my already emotion-driven night, I received an email from our agency that offered the following information: "Currently, we have approximately 110 families waiting in our Caucasian and transracial programs combined. The wait times have increased somewhat across the board, due to things like the economy in the US. Birth mothers are feeling the crunch of the economy, as well, and seem to have the notion that 'if I can’t get a job, at least I can have a baby.' In addition, there has been a glamorization of single parenthood over the years, and young single women do not have as great a stigma attached when they discover they are pregnant. Single parenthood has become a more acceptable option. We are now advising new families that the placement of a Caucasian baby could, but not necessarily will, take around two years..."

Again, I'm not angry that I'm not pregnant. I'm not even angry that I have to wait; I'm confident that we'll get placed quickly [however, misplaced that confidence might be]. I'm angry at parents for not wrapping their arms around their kids and offering them security. I'm angry that teenagers equate love with sex. I'm angry that babies are served on plates of injustice, completely outside their control. I'm angry that society stamps their approval and I'm even more angry that the abortion monster rages louder than the small sweet breath of adoption.

I find myslef crying, "LORD, what do I do?" I firmly believe that TRUTH demands a response. When faced with Truth we can walk away and say "Mmm...no thank you, that's not for me" or we can pull ourselves into action and do something about what we've experienced. I'm not a walk-away kind of girl. I'm a pound-on-the-doors-of-heaven-until-I-get-an-answer-kind-of girl.

For starters, I'm gonna write a book. The revelation is still coming, but I did start my forward [however, premature, it may be]. Until book signing time, I pray, "Lord, show me how to use my voice. Show me how to make a difference."

For now, that's all I know how to do.

Day 67

"Tag! You're It!"

I was tagged by Dave (like a week ago, but am just now getting to it)!

1. What did you do 10 years ago?

1998...I was a sophomore in high school. Went on my first date with Ben. Immediately fell in love and told him I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. Which pretty much sent him running--not exactly what an 18 year old boy wants to hear on a first date! But he couldn't stay away from my irresistible charm! :) 3 months after our first date he left me to go to Michigan Tech, 500 miles away...I spent the next two years missing a long distance boyfriend that I rarely got to see. The highlight of those years was the bond that grew as we wrote each other letters several times each week (email hadn't hit the masses yet) and the assurance that came with finding my identity. By the time I graduated high school our friendship was built for a lifetime. God knows exactly what he was doing.

2. Five things from your 'to do' list?

• Finish posting our stuff from the basement storage closets on Craigslist
• Schedule to take the GMAT and finish my application for Graduate School
• Check Walmart's website EVERYDAY until my crib goes on sale :)
• Order the 300 prints I will need for our profile
  
• Babies Room: measure and tape the walls for horizontal stripes, paint the stripes, touch up the trim, shampoo the carpet, wash the wood blinds, clean the vents, replace the light fixture...and let the decorating begin! :)
  

3. Favorite snacks?

Hmmm...I'm not much of a snacker, but I LOVE fruit (I told Ben last week that I could be a fruitetarian!), sugar snap peas, Paydays, and Dark Chocolate.

4. What would you do if you were a millionaire?

Pay off our house and Ben's parents house, buy a Toyota Rav4, pay off both our student loans and my doctorate in full, fund my first book, spend my summers in Africa helping to stamp out hunger and AIDS, while shining the light of JESUS.

5. Places where you've lived?

Michigan...pretty exciting, huh?

Next to be tagged are: Meeghan, Laura, and Leah!