Day 79

"Though it cost all you have, get understanding."
Proverbs 4:7

I've been stewing for a couple days. Not in a smoldering anger kind of way, but in a "God, what do I do?!" way. I love Proverbs 4:7. Every time I read it, the words grip my heart as they jump off the page. Though it cost all you have, get understanding. Get understanding. For me, this has meant: do whatever it takes to search out the heart of God for my life. There were points in my life where I wrote these words on my heart and passionately pursued Him with reckless abandon. I mean it. I didn't care what anyone else thought or said, I only lived to please my King. Still...there have been other times that I questioned the Father. Pleaded, begged, sobbed for answers I did not understand. Tonight, I fall somewhere in-between.

I allowed infertility to harden my heart...and allowing the sweet balm of Jesus to soften the folds, has not come swiftly. As I work toward passion once again, I think about Proverbs 4:7. In the last few years, the Lord has remained mum on why we haven't been able to conceive a child. Not a peep. Do you know how difficult that is? [I know most of you do] Not a "trust me" or "remember my promise" and I certainly never heard, "your time is coming." I don't know about you, but God talks to me. I hear his voice. Clear as day sometimes. Yet, I have heard nothing in regards to having a child.

Tonight, I am whole. I'm not emotional. I'm not angry. I'm not even anxious. I am in complete and total peace. Infertility did not come cheap, and I'm not talking money (although we did spend plenty of that!) Everything I thought I believed was stripped down...every emotion I thought I had experienced intensified, every unasked question I was too respectful to ask, I screamed...Every aspect of who I am was broken. Countless times throughout my life I have prayed, "Lord, your will be done." It's not until tonight, amidst my musing, that I can see the fulfillment. A few short months ago I was a small girl laying on the bathroom floor with nothing left, but faint breath. Understanding had cost me all I had. I was too wrapped up in the pain to see how God had answered my prayer. And I don't think I've stopped long enough, through the adoption process, to see the beauty of arrived understanding. However, today I began to see my life unfold and the wonder of it leaves me breathless. It's not just the baby. It's my passion, my talents, my dreams...they are beginning to take clear paths before my eyes. All of the sudden, I am able to see God's plan before me and all the elements working together. I am astonished. Instantly, I understand...I understand why I had to endure the heartache. I understand the years of brokenness. I understand my recent bouts of anger.

I confess. I have been struggling with the onslaught of insensitive remarks that have carelessly [even if unknowingly] been brought on by ignorance. I wasn't sure why they were hurting my feelings so much, until tonight. On Sunday, after asking me how the adoption process was going, a man said to me, "I'm still trusting God for a miracle; I believe you will get pregnant." After hearing variations of the same thought vocalized--time and time again--I'm ready to go on an adopting mom rampage. Tonight was the last straw. I'm in Home Depot, buying another can of paint for the baby's room, when the employee pretends to be interested and asks, "So...what's the project?" I excitedly answer, "I'm putting the finishing touches on our baby's room."

"Oh...you're pregnant?" He quizzically gives me an up-down.

Genuine laugh. "No, no, I'm not pregnant. We're adopting."

His response? [Brace yourself] "Oh. Well, that's okay, too."

My dry, but pointed response. "I know."

I got to the Jeep and let the fury flow. Had a complete and total stranger really just given me the "a-ok" for adoption? Did he think I really needed his stamp of approval? Did he think his response gave me peace of mind? I knew I needed to step back and think when my alter ego "raging lunatic girl" wanted to stomp back to the help desk and beat him to a pulp. Because I can't take out every ignoramus on the planet I cried, "Lord, why does this make me so angry?"

And the answer came...

It has taken me years of turmoil to truly see the hand of God on my life. To accept His will; His plan..and to be thrilled by it. When someone makes what-they-perceive-to-be-godly or maybe just down-right "friendly" comment, it cuts straight to my heart. It contradicts Truth for my life. It negates everything God has taught...all the progress...all the dying to self...and offers a pat reminder of what the old me used to relish. My friends, I believe these comments--no matter how innocent the intent--are anti-Christ, in accordance to the plan He has paved for me. Why can't people just accept adoption as part of the plan?

God has created me for this time, for this moment, for this child. THIS IS HIS PLAN. I'm not going to let anyone tell me otherwise. Because I can't go smashing faces in [smile], I'm going to start being frank with those that dish their godly wisdom. If people truly care about Ben and I they will stop praying pregnancy and start praying preparation. Preparation for the power of God that's about to be unleashed in our lives.