Sunday, March 7, 2010

Q & A

Let's talk MTV's Teen Mom...
Q: I was watching MTV's Teen Mom show the other day. There is a young couple that chose an open adoption. They are having a hard time at how "open" their adoption is. Such as they do not know the last name of the couple and so on. Have you seen it and do you have any feelings on their situation.

A: I have heard a lot about this show and just recently watched my first episode after my sister described it as MTV's "most quality television." Meaning, their portrayal of kids raising kids is realistic and hopefully transforming the fantasies of teen pregnancy. The episode I watched was a one year update on each couple or ex-couple as it was. I agree with my sister. It is great television. It's real. It's raw. It's challenging.

Back to your question on openness. I was just reading an Adoptive Families article on open adoption and how many different facets exist. Every situation truly is unique...because we're unique. Every expectant mother and every adopting family feel and look different. What's important is that [ideally] everyone is coming together and putting the child's needs first. If an expectant mother just can't bear the pain of seeing her child in the arms of another family over and over again, I would respect that. It's a little harder for me to make statements on the adoptive family side because...well...there are some couples that base their decisions on openness out of fear. Not all. But some. For me, it would be very difficult to have a closed adoption. I'm not saying I wouldn't do it, because obviously there are situations like Safe Haven, where information is simply not available. A closed adoption would be hard for me, however, because I know how challenging it would be for our child. Especially given the openness that exists between Rebekah and Ty. I feel like I'm writing and re-writing here because I want to be careful in what I say. Every situation really is different and can't be judged.

It was hard for me to watch the MTV couple mentioned because it seemed like they wanted more. More pictures. More contact. More openness. I am thankful that Rebekah and I are great communicators. That we're not afraid to talk stuff through. We both want what's best for little Tyrus and having Rebekah in his life is best.

Let's talk Ty...
Q: On another blog I noticed you wrote that Ty was a mixed race. I thought he was just "white" what is the other race?

A: Ty is actually half Hispanic/half Caucasian. Ben and I were just reliving a sweet conversation that took place in the mountains, while visiting Rebekah and her family. The kids all wanted to pile in our car on the way to dinner and an explosion of questions erupted. Some made us laugh; others made us cry. One that got us all smiling was, "Do you know that your baby will be brown?" We were all surprised when Ty came out white as can be! Some of my favorite words by Rebekah were:

"He was nothing like I imagined. He didn't look like [birth father], he didn't look like me....he looked like Tyrus. He was so beautiful, and tiny and I fell instantly in love. Ben cut the cord, and we all just stared at him and listened to him cry. I had tears running down my face...he is amazing."

Let's talk hair...
Q: What kind of product do you use on your hair? I have curly hair as well, but they have discontinued the product that I loved and am now on the search for the next best thing!

A: I have spent years trying to accept and make my curls look good! For a long time I used salon products only, but in the last few years I've been digg'n store brands. Here's my perfectly engineered concoction:

Fruictis Hair Gel - Super Hold
(I scrunch a healthy dose of it through my hair, avoiding roots)

Fruictis Mousse - Curly Hair
(A small amount at my roots only)

got2Be - "Glued"
(Use a teeny tiny bit or you'll look like you fell in the greaser)

This is an exact science...I do not pat my hair dry when I get out of the shower. Yes this means it's dripping all over - dress fast! I quickly get dressed and start diffusing right away (not longer than 5 minutes out of the shower) and I only spend 15 minutes drying it. It's never fully dry when I'm done. I spend most of my time on the roots and let the ends dry so that they curl nice. That is probably more than you ever wanted to know about my hair.

Let's talk controversy...
The following questions are mean-spirited, but worth answering. I'm not going to get into who or where they came from, but I would like to say this. If you read this blog and take issue with something I say, please email me. Ask me about it. If something I write causes a check in your spirit, challenge me. I welcome that! I'm certainly not perfect and often write from a place of passion...not necessarily the throne room. God's still working on my heart. Please extend the same grace to me that he's given you.

Q: Ty's 14 year old sister really misses him, but you won't let her meet him? How is that bonding?

A: Ty's 14 year old sister does miss him and has probably taken the adoption the hardest. Three of the four kids were out of state for the birth so most of them didn't have the chance to meet sweet Ty. We are all very excited, however, about our reunion next month! The three of us will be flying to Colorado for some long overdue hugs!


Q: How can it be HEALING to hear a person say that it is as if your adopted child came from your own womb? [In reference to this post]

A: When I talked about the Judge's words being "healing," what I meant was that it closed the chapter on infertility for me. The enemy lied to me for years that I would never be a mother. I heard words like - you are not are not are not deserving.

I had to hang on to small promises that God had written on my heart and trust that the desire to be a mom was HIS desire in me....not just something I wanted. When I heard the judge say it would be as if we had this child in our marriage, it was emotional because I never thought I would have a child (in or outside my marriage). It took us 6 years. When I heard the judge speak those words, I heard a recurring love song from my heavenly Father. He was singing, "I am faithful to do all that I've set out to do."

I am a mother because HE called it into being.

My feeling of healing had nothing to do with Tyrus or the legalities or the process. I wasn't waiting to hear it or even needing to hear it. And to be honest I haven't thought about it since. The healing I found was strictly between me and my Savior.

Q: What is the real motivation behind your blog?

A: I've hear all kinds of things. You're doing this for money...You're doing this to get another baby...You're doing this so you can publish a book....You're doing this to fill some canyon like hole in your heart...blah, blah, blah.

None of the above mentioned reasons are true. And I think you've all stuck around because you know that, too. I started this blog for one reason. To document our journey. I wanted our son or daughter to experience the ache and love in our heart. My early posts were not read by many, but I never cared. I blog because I enjoy it. I love to write and this has been a constructive outlet. I would love to be a published author some day, but that really has nothing to do with this blog and I certainly don't make any money, here. That doesn't mean I wouldn't like to make money. Who wouldn't want to quit their job, stay home with their beautiful boy, and do something they love? Money is not my motivator. God is. And right now, I'm content on the path he is leading me down.


  1. Not sure who or why anyone would leave comments like that. Some people are just dealing with their own inner torment and like to take it out on others. Love the blog. Tyrus is adorable and he is SO VERY fortunate!!!

  2. It really makes me sad that a adoptive couple doeesn't feel comfortable enough to give their last name, but the birth parents gave up their baby to them. It would make me feel like that while I trusted them with my baby, but they can't trust me. It's really sad.

  3. As usual, your honesty and openness is amazing. Thank you for being so willing to address us, your readers (even those who are rude enough to ask less than nice questions). As the spouse of an adoptee, in a day and age when open adoption was not even an option, I feel privileged that you let us share Ty with you. Just keep being you!

  4. You are right Rebekah..."This is an exact science". Thanks for your curly hair recipe! I LOVE the "got2b" guled. I wouldn't have tried it if your hadn't recommended it!

  5. thanks for the comment, things are in a weird place right now but I think over the next few months things will be better.

    your not making money blogging? i had to laugh, no body pays for me to do it either and you have no advertisements so I don't know how you would be making money off it :)

  6. Rebekah,
    Great post! If you didn't have over 300 followers on your blog, your motivations for having it would not be in question. Mine aren't on mine with less than 40! But just as it is like in highschool...popularity breeds haters. It is just the way it goes in the world of women.

    Keep writing and keep looking for a way to support your family and be home to raise your kids. If writing brings you to that dream...go for it!!

  7. I like all the questions you addressed. Interesting. And I like that you talked about how you do your hair. I know it isn't easy to tame the wild hair.

    I can't believe someone thinks you blog for money. Wow. I know we all have different reasons why we blog, but I can't think that many of us blog for money. Sheesh.

  8. Rebekah I want to be more like you! You answer questions with such grace. You do not come across agressively or tormented by these commenters that obviously want to cause pain in your life. Rs 14 year old daughter will of course meet Ty. If that commenter would pay close attention to your blog they would have known you already have a planned trip. I think you are wonderful and Ty is having such a fantastic, stable upbringing...just like R had hoped for. You both should feel honored by each other for how this story has played out.

  9. Everyone that I know has a different adoption experience. That fact should not be surprising as ALL families are made up of different personalities and experiences. One of our sons is the product of a semi-open adoption. A choice that was made for us long ago. He is just now connecting with his birthmother. The other is a very open adoption. His birthmother has gradually pulled away as her life as evolved. I miss her, but this is the way she deals with things. On the other hand, her mother has been a wonderfully supportive grandmother to our son. He feels her love and she has a very special place in all of our hearts. I'm just a mother whose life has been blessed by two other couregeous,loving women. One I know and don't see and one I don't know and hope to see.

    Thanks for sharing your walk.

  10. Keep Blogging. Your heart is for Jesus and it shines right through. It inspires me.

  11. It amazes me the hate that some people are filled with. I pray for them... those people that are sad or hurting and lash out in misguided ways.

    I have followed you from the beginning and from the first time I read your words, I knew that you were my sister in Christ and that your journey was a blessing to everyone and anyone that was open to reading about it. Infertility is a blessing to those who can see through the hurt to God's plan. I am so glad that you continue to write and that you are so open with your situation and feelings. You are amazing.

  12. I love your honesty and the way you answer grumpy people's questions with grace. You are amazing!

  13. I don't have much to add, but just wanted to say how much I love, love, love your blog. Your love for your family, Rebecca, and God just shines through everything you write. I cry through half your posts and laugh through the other half. :) God bless you and your family!

  14. Rebekah, you are an amazing women. It makes me mad that people strike out at you when all your trying to do is express yourself. I totally understand this need as well. You are a great writer and I love reading your updates. Keep it up my freind, it's encouraging. ;-)

  15. Ok, I guess in the spirit of honesty I am just going to sort of put it all out here. I am one who was bothered by your comment on the judge's words being healing to you, though I didn't discuss it here. I DID discuss it somewhere else with you, and still think there is a lot to chew on in that thread if you care to sift through it. :) However, I am going to take your word that your comment was not understood as intended. It sounds like it was a very personal thing that might just be difficult to explain.'s the thing. I'm not bothered by your post today at all. What I AM slightly bothered by though are the comments. When I read thiings like "..people dealing with their own inner torment...popularity breeding haters...courageous women...lash out in misguided ways..." that hurts a bit. It feels a bit dismissive to those who have some pain associated with adoption. I guess, for me, it is difficult to take a stoll through the blog world and see sooooo many (lots of blogs) who do not want to dig any deeper into adoption.

    I am GLAD that your adoption is open. I am GLAD that it is a good situation for all of you. You certainly have a beautiful son, and I can understand why your heart melts all over him with joy.:)

    What I'm not glad about is the seemingly emormous group of people (not just here) who insist that adoption is ONLY happy/happy, win/win, and want to shut down anyone with a different perspective. Perspectives change. Emotions shift. Experience tempers our understanding. I guess I am hoping the readers here, and many just starting out on their adoption journeys, would perhaps be a bit more willing to entertain the thoughts of those of us who have been walking this road for a long time.

    So that's it. No controversy over your post, just some thoughts about what I see in the adoption arena in general, and a hope that people would have a willingness to delve a bit deeper into the issues surrounding adoption.

  16. You do have really cute curls...I'm going to try those Fruictis products.

    P.S. - I have a few questions that I want you to answer in your next Q & A but they may be personal so I'll just email you. ;)

  17. I am so hooked on that show too. While we have an open adoption as well, our daughter's birth mom has never been very forthcoming about her feelings since the adoption so it was good for us to see the other side of it. Even though our daughter will be five this year, I have to remember that the pain most like never eases for her birth mom, and never will.

    I told myself I would not get hooked on the new season, but I already am. Can you believe how those girls let those guys treat them? I pray my girls have better sense than that!

  18. I have been watching this show for a few seasons. I cry every single time. One thing I notice is these girls don't have any boundries for themselves or with their parents. Also all the guys are just jerks and self absorbed. Makes me so incred. sad because my children's birthmom was 15 when she had my daughter. I see her everytime I watch the show and it touches a place in my heart.

  19. Oh Michelle~
    Good for you coming out in honesty! I was not meaning you (the person who made the comment about the judge) when I said "popularity breeds haters", I meant those who would questions R's motives for having this blog...especially in the area of making money. Just wanted to clarify! I think delving into all areas of adoption the good, the bad, the ugly IS healthy and needed within this community.

  20. Hey, just came to your blog from a comment on Shaun Grove's post and wanted to tell you in case you didn't know, the boy you adopted in Kenya? Baraka? His name means "Blessing" in Kiswahili and it is one of my all time favorite Kenyan names. My husband and I have been there 5 times between us and would love to adopt. Anyway, just wanted to pass that on. May Baraka be a blessing to you and your family! :)

  21. i really admire the grace you exude when answering the tough questions and criticism!

  22. I recently wrote this to one of my of my son's b-moms. There was an issue I had to address, this is just an excerpt. Commenters, do any of you agree or disagree with my take on adoption?

    "In a perfect world, all moms would get to keep their babies, and all people who want children would conceive and give birth. It’s not a perfect world, it’s a perfectly broken world. Adoption is one of God’s answers to the many dilemmas of this broken world. If either of the boys ever ask me “Mom, do you ever wish that I was in YOUR tummy?”, my answer will be “No, because then you wouldn’t be who you are, and I love WHO you are, and I wouldn’t change that for the world!”. God called me to be a mommy by adoption and He has given me complete peace of that fact and I would not change it. I hope His peace covers you on your darkest days when you are sad that you aren’t called “mommy” by your son. I hope that getting to watch him grow up happy, healthy and well-loved reaffirms that you made the best decision you could for him at the time you had to make the decision."

  23. What are your feelings towards a woman who is able to bear children but decides to adopt instead?

  24. @Anonumous: Adoption is a choice a woman or couple makes regardless of whether or not they can have bio children, it's just not their ONLY choice. Our choice could have been to remain childless, but I totally believe that God laid adoption on our hearts. I LOVE and support adoption no matter how each family arrives at the decision.