Sunday, November 29, 2009

More Questions Answered

We had a wonderful Thanksgiving! Tears were definitely shed as we went around the table expressing what we were most thankful for this year...
I have a stockpile of questions to answer, from last month's Q&A, so here we go:

How did you make it? I'm still at the early end of inferility treatments and countless tests. We've been on this journey for over 2 1/2 years. I don't know how I'll manage for potential years more of this. The road seems so long and painful. How do I not become bitter???

This beast called infertility is VERY difficult to survive. It almost did me in. I honestly don't know how I made it. I was done. At the end of the road. I felt like a hollow shell wandering through life. I had cut my heart off to many things, including all things baby. I stopped going to baby showers, and hospitals, and couldn't celebrate with my friends as they had their babies. We sought out new relationships - people without kids. And really just took it one day at a time....some days one hour at a time. You have to just keep moving.

Hands down the key to my survival was blog world. I wish I could say it was my relationship with God, but I was so angry with him, we were barely on speaking terms. I used my blog as an outlet to pound out all the thunder I was feeling inside. It also helped to surround myself with women who KNEW what I was going through. I did come to a point where I stopped reading most of the "matched-happy-family" blogs and poured my energy into other waiting womens' stories.

The best advice I can give is to just keep pushing through. Seabird sings this song with a line that says, "Sing 'til your heart hurts....and then sing some more. Don't stop singing....until you reach the shore." You just have to KEEP SINGING. Keep going. Keep moving. Don't give up.
Pour yourself into other projects. I spent 6 months decorating and perfecting a nursery that I had no baby for. I started exercising, redecorating, cleaned and organized my house like a mad woman. Do whatever you have to do to keep your mind occupied. I know it never goes away. Your heart will ALWAYS ache. But keeping busy does help.

When you first decided on adoption as a way to start your family.. Did you start out wanting open or closed adoption?

Our agency requires all adoptions to be semi-open (one meeting before birth & pictures/letters until child is 18), so closed wasn't an option. We didn't want a fully open adoption in the beginning - there were too many unknowns that made us nervous. As we went through the process, however, and became more educated on the subject/listened to birth mother stories, we were more open to the idea of being open :). When Rebekah requested an open adoption we agreed, but took it one day at a time. We didn't jump right in and exchange phone numbers, addresses, etc. I think every situation is different and must be evaluated when the time comes. Our relationship with Rebekah was a natural progression and I'm so thankful for our transparency with one another.

When did you really start to feel like Ty's mom? I remember you said that it was rough at first.

Ben felt like Ty's father immediately - as soon as he held him. It took me about a week, which shocked me more than anyone. Because I was so close with Rebekah and knew how bad she was hurting, it was impossible for me to look at Ty without seeing her pain. I loved her as much as I loved him. The first couple of days he was very disoriented and looked around the room searching for Rebekah. There was this innate sense that he knew I was not the mother who birthed him. There were so many emotions that first week. I knew it was important to allow all of them to manifest, so I did. By week two, Ty would search for my voice in a room of people and I knew we'd both be just fine.

Will you tell us about Tyrus' name? Did you name him and what does it signify?

We named him at Rebekah's request and she was the first person we told. She loved it from the beginning which made us love it even more. Tyrus is named after his great-grandfather (Ben's Grandpa). He is the first grandson and great-grandson; it was really an honor to use the name Tyrus, as Grandpa Ty has lived an incredible legacy. If our little Ty can be half the man his great-grandpa is, we'll have done our job well.

How is Rebekah (and her family) doing? Do you speak on a regular basis?

Rebekah is doing well. God is moving big-time in her life, as she just landed a great job. She was under-qualified for the position, but her boss was won over by her bubbly, out-going personality. It's a Christian office and she's making more money than she's ever made before, and she gets three day weekends every week. When I heard the news I cried with joy, knowing that God is taking care of her and opening new opportunities for her family. We do talk on a regular basis and email often. She is/will be on my short list of phone calls I like to make on holidays, so I talked to her on Thanksgiving Day. We consider her family!

We are actually planning a trip to fly out and see Rebekah over Easter. We are so excited to go back. Rebekah's kids did not have an opportunity to meet Ty, last summer, and Rebekah (of course!) is itching to see him agian. It will be a grand celebration and we're counting down the days!

Once you had been matched with Rebekah, how did you "survive" the wait until Ty's birth? Our b-mom is due Jan. 9 and I can't hardly think of anything except that...

I was a crazy woman. I literally went through every closet and cupboard in the house, tearing it apart. I finished all the projects I had been wanting to do, I repainted, redecorated, and cleaned every nook and cranny...I picked out birth announcements, shopped for the perfect take "home" outfit, stocked the nursery, went on dates with Ben...My prego friends laughed because there's no way I could have gotten so much done, had I had a big old belly weighing me down! Those 5 months we had to wait went by suprisingly fast. It was all so much fun!

Are you using a specific cookbook to make his babyfood? If so, what book?

No cookbook as of yet. Just some internet research. It's all pretty easy right now, steam the veggies/boil the fruit, add water, and puree! I've had lots of requests for where I bought my jars. They were only about a $1 each, here: . I LOVE them by the way, and even use them for serving up Ty's oatmeal and rice cereal.

Do you worry about such negative, hateful and bitter people coming to your blog, seeing your photos and reading about your life?

No. I feel it's more beneficial for me to be transparent and deal with some haters, than to keep our story all to myself. I am confident in who I am, in the Lord, and don't let nasty comments bother me one bit. I don't acknowlege, post, or read them. I wouldn't have Ty, had I given in to internet fears, as Rebekah would have never found us. I trust God for my family's protection and use wisdom as necessary. I know God's not a cookie-cutter kind of guy, but I do secretly hope that maybe another birth mom will one day stumble across our story...

I did receive a few "heavy" questions that I want to address in a more serious manner. Look for those in the near future! Hope that gives you a little more insight into us and our story. Feel free to leave your questions in the comment sections, for next time.


  1. One of your last parts of the answer made me think of this blog

    They had adopted (though more privately about the details/birth mom, etc. ) but had blogged openly about their experiences and everyone knew they were adopting, yada yada.

    Their first wasn't old at all when she was contacted b/c of her blog and someone who had a family member looking for a family wanting to adopt, and so they got a second daughter and the girls are just about a year happen!

    You'd probably enjoy her story if you go back and read some of it. And it'd probably keep you dreaming about God perhaps using your blog to bring you another sweet little one!

    You might also like this blog (if you don't know it) as they have a very open adoption relationship with their little one's first family, as well.

    Both of your blogs bring big smiles to my face when there are updates.

    I'm from a family of many adoptions - international, domestic, open, closed, and inter-family adoptions - so adoption stories are always close to my heart!

    The journey God's brought you on to this place, with the highs and lows you faced, is inspiring and challenging, and I love your updates and honesty!

    Lisa in SD

  2. Even though I am not involved in adoption, I love reading your story. You're touching more people than you could ever imagine! =]

  3. I just wanted to let you know that I think you are a beautiful woman, and Tyrus is an absolutely gorgeous little baby boy.

  4. It took a lot of honesty to say that Ty was looking around for his birthmother. I like that you keep it honest here.
    Now, when it comes to the required openness. How is that enforced? Does the birth parents within your agency have a legal right to the updates. I am just curious.


    Great website for baby food recipes and stuff :)

    Thought I would share!

  6. I can't believe how much Ty looks like his parents! He's so beautiful, you two are so blessed. I always look forward to your updates...I feel like I am where you were in March/April/May...I'm counting down the days until my Little Squirt is born!

  7. I just want you to know how wonderful I think you, Ben and Rebekah are. The relationship with all of you has just blossomed. It is exciting to see you blossom as a mother, Ben as a father, to see little Tyrus smile, and to see Rebekah make great progress. I follow both blogs, and I think that you are a Godsend to each other.

  8. Good questions and ansawers. Also, those are two great pictures.

  9. good to hear from you, when i come to your blog i feel like i am checking in on an old friend and am thrilled to hear what God is doing :)

    i love you picture. love love love it.

  10. Thanks for your words, they provide comfort as we wait to adopt.

    I had to leave a comment as the photo of you and the head-tilt thing that Ty is doing is so super cute!

    Fargo, ND

  11. I dont mean this in an offensive way, but does it worry you at all that Ty could grow up to be very overweight just from the genetics of his parents? I dont know how you would plan to deal with this or prevent this but imagine with you and Ben being so fit and active that it would be a hurdle that you would want to overcome. Any thoughts on that?

  12. What have you decided Ty should call his birthparents?