In a Year's Time

Here's what I wrote one year ago, today:

I thought I would be able to sneak through the holidays in one piece. It's so busy and fun and wonderful. I LOVE Christmas and everything that goes with it. I was so sure I would breeze through upbeat and cheerful and was mostly concerned about what I would feel like on January 1st. But I didn't escape. It's the day before Thanksgiving and my heart is so sad, my arms so empty, it's hard to be thrilled about doing any of my favorite things....I just want a baby. Lord, is that too much to ask? Lord????

It's really difficult to watch everyone else move on. Blog friends, real friends, strangers in the grocery store. Everyone else is making Christmas memories, starting traditions, continuing old ones. Me and Ben? Sitting at the same dinner table, eating the same dinners, having the same conversations. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband more than life. I love our friendship and camaraderie. I love all the time we've been able to spend melding our hearts and laughing. I love that we can take four hour naps on the weekends without having to think about anyone else but each other. But none of those things fill the empty hole in my heart...the arms that are always holding someone else's baby.

Are we doing the right thing? Did we pick the right agency? Should we forgo the dream of a newborn and adopt a toddler first? Do we need to be more open? Should we have less restrictions? Do I need to change our profile pictures? Do I need to change our profile? These questions run through my head every single day. I know the waiting anxiety is normal and my questions are not the first to be asked, but again that doesn't help me make it through the day. Call it foolish or naive, but I was so sure we would get chosen right away. I never imagined getting to the end of the year without a baby and now the faster it comes the harder I cry. Can I really make it through a 5th January, hoping the next year will be the year?

I completely understand why grief-stricken women steal babies from hospitals. The pain is simply too unbearable.


I have been a blubbery-remembering mess the last couple of days. Every time Ty smiles, I cry. The above words are so fresh in my memory, yet the thankfulness in my heart wets Ty's head as I hold him close, this morning.

I woke up singing Tyrus an old praise song we used to sing in youth group:

Look what the Lord has done,
Look what the Lord has done.
He healed my body,
He touched my mind,
He saved me just in time.

I'm gonna praise His name,
Each day He's just the same.
Come on and praise Him,
Look what the Lord has done.

Back in the day, we had crazy motions as we enjoyed dancing and jumping and praising God. I, of course, had to give Ty an original delivery - moves and all. We both ended the song in giggles.

My life will never be the same.

Come on and praise Him. Look what the Lord has done...

If you are still waiting for your miracle, hold on. God is faithful; he is moving.

From our family to yours, have a wonderful, thank-filled Thanksgiving.