Day 94

Thank you for all the hugs and encouragment; I'm feeling good today! I'm going to trust God with the details and fall in step with His plan...you may need to remind me of this when the wait gets tough...In the meantime, I'm preparing my heart and home for little babyheart.

For all of my adoption pals (if you haven't already) order a subscription to Adoptive Families. I mean it. Right now. Go to http://www.adoptivefamilies.com/
It's only $24.95 for the year, and after reading my very first issue, I can say it is definitely worth it! I read the thing cover to cover and found every article but one (it was on 2 homosexual moms) helpful!

Check this out. Early Growth and Development Studies did a study that I found interesting and thought you would too! [359 birthmoms and & 114 birthfathers were polled]

When choosing a family to adopt their child, how important was it that...
94% There were educational opportunities for the child
93% They had a close marital relationship
91% They were financially secure
72% They had the type of family the birthmom/father always wanted
51% One of the adoptive parents would stay home with the child
41% They had a nice house
36% There were children in the neighborhood
34% The adoptive family was unable to have biological children
33% They had the type of family birthmom/father grew up in
32% They liked to do activities that birthmom/father would have liked to do
27% They had the same religious background as birthmom/father
17% They had physical characteristics that were similar to the birthmom/father
14% They had a playground or swing set

Our Agency recommend the magazine and said to keep every issue because it's a great resource for every step of the process. I agree! From book recommendations to suggestions on talking to your adopted teenager, the subject matter was fascinating and seemed to cover every topic--in one issue! Can't wait to read next month's!

Day 92

Today was the BIG day. It was actually slightly anticlimactic and it left me feeling more disappointed than anything else. Today, officially marked month 3 of the adoption process and it happened to be our final home study (case worker came out to inspect the house). I can’t believe that three months from today, we made the decision to adopt! The process has gone by fast…but at the same time it’s dragging on…In the grand scheme of things 3 months is quick, but when you’re in pursuit of a baby that you’ve waited 4 years for, it drags on and on and on.

Anyway, our C.W. was supposed to be at the house at 2pm and by 2:45pm we were getting irritated that she hadn’t showed up. I called the only phone number (other than her office #) that we had – she called to cancel/re-schedule an appointment on us a few weeks ago and Ben saved the number – and left a message. Turns out her Palm has had syncing issues and had moved all her appointments around. She had us down for next Saturday! Thankfully, she called us back and said she’d come as soon as she could. If we would have had to re-schedule I would have been reduced to a puddle of tears. We worked SO hard getting the house ready for today!

She finally showed up by 3:30pm and we were able to proceed. She was a little frazzled and definitely embarrassed by what happened. We sat and answered more absurd questions that no other parent has to answer, “How long do you plan on living here?”, “Tell me about the area’s diversity,” “Will you choose public or private schools?”, “While you work will someone be watching the baby in your home or their home?”, etc, etc. After the barrage of questions we gave the 25 cent tour and it was a wrap. Her only comments during the tour were in regards to how much she liked my wall colors—no safety inspection, critical questions, or white-glove treatment. What was I so afraid of?

We returned to the living room and talked about the final process. Here's where the disappointment came in. C.W. told us that she was finishing a case right now and that there was one more couple ahead of us that needed to be written before she could start ours. She said, "I hope to have yours completed by the end of August." WHAT!?!?! What happened to "a week or two after the final homestudy?" What's even more annoying is that when I asked her when we would receive our letter of approval she said, "Oh, you're approved. You won't receive a letter." So, let me get this straight...you've already approved us, but now we have to wait for you to get around to writing our study up? What's even more annoying is that I know she's been camping with her family most of the summer because we've had a hard time getting our appointments in around it. I know it's not her fault. She has a right to have a life and I'm sure she has lots of cases she's working on! It's just hard to sit around waiting with nothing to do! So, I'm disappointed that we most likely won't be on the waiting list by my birthday (8/19)...and we were told not to get discouraged if our profile isn't shown often the first couple of months, because sometimes it takes awhile. We were reminded at how subjective this process is and that there's no way to predict anything. We could be shown 8 times in the first month and then not shown again for 6...it just depends. All the unknown and all the waiting has me back to feeling like an emotional yo-yo. Wishing I could press that easy button again...

[sigh]. Ben reminded me to keep my chin up and not to let the disappointment ruin my day. I'm trying to not get caught up in the obstacles. I know that God has predestined our child and nothing on earth can change the course. It's comforting to know that roadblocks to me are notches on God's time line. It's all going according to plan. So...until I see the fruition, I'm going to continue working on the baby's room, pour my heart into Ben (unfortunately he's taken a backseat to baby the last few months), and enjoy the rest of my summer!

We went out for a celebratory dinner with family!

And Jason and Rachael went and picked up the ottoman to our chair!! Can't wait to see Ben with baby in that chair...

Day 88

The much anticipated, baby's room pictures! I know you've ALL been holding your breath... :) Please withhold all judgment, this room is no where near completion, but it's really looking great and I wanted to share it with you. I LOVE the furniture!!!!!

In real life the stripes are a little darker. There was sunlight streaming in the window and it gave them more of a hazy glow in the pictures! The tall shelf also has a back that I'm going to put back on. It used to be in our room and I liked the backless look.

Ottoman is still on it's way--the chair was discontinued so hunting down the matching footrest was chaotic (thanks, for finding it J!!!)

Apart from the stripes, the crib is my favorite part of the room. I always pictured myself with a hand-me-down or a thrift store/re-finished one...It's so beautiful and I love just looking at it! I love that OUR baby is going to sleep in it one day...I love that I put it together all by myself...I love that Melia (my sweet, precious niece #1) is sharing her mattress with us...I love that it resembles our bed...

It's the small things that make my heart smile.

(our bed)

All the fun fabrics that will one day be babyheart's quilt. I did add in a new fabric that isn't pictured...It's a black t-shirt with white sketchings of guitars all over it! Very Rock.

Have I mentioned how much I love my chair? (Thanks Rachie and Mom!!) I sneak in the room every chance I get. I don't really dream about baby [yet]...I usually think about how far I've come as a woman; a wife, how good it feels to have a heart full of joy, how much love is in my heart for someone I've never met and may not even be created yet, how thankful I am for the path that has led me to this place. All this from one chair...


I had to trade in my dream of a glam chandelier. All the black ones I found were either way too much money, didn't have enough watts to light up the room, or were meant to be plugged in--not dangle from the ceiling. I was pretty bummed out about it, but settled on a more modern fixture that has a cool copper/antique finish to it. Not only did I install the light tonight, but I also put my electrician hat on and installed a dimmer! After a phone call to dad and a trip to Home Depot I had that baby up and running in no time. Seriously...does babyheart know my love?

(Said Dimmer)

This room has truly been a labor of love...and a long time coming! I know I'm not winning an Oscar (and the room isn't even done, for goodness sakes), but I have to give some love to all those that contributed....First and foremost I want to thank Jesus Christ, My Lord....oh wait! I said this WASN'T an Oscar speech [smile]...I DO want to thank Ben for putting up with my neurotic behavior and giving me full say in decor, with little opinion...Rachael for your inspiration, encouragement and the best rocker ever made! Queen Mum, none of this would be possible without you...G-girl for spending two boring weekends helping me tape and paint...Meeghan, Laura, and Rach for helping me pull the stripes off, Melia for sharing her mattress, Chris for power-washing the deck (definitely going to make baby come faster!), Meeg for making me dinners, washing the blinds, shampooing the carpet, and goo-gone-ing all the paint stains (truly the most UN-glam jobs)...and all of YOU for encouraging me daily, offering friendship, and giving me hope amidst the pain.

You have all made me one happy mama...

Day 85

Moo La La meets ROCKstar baby's room is coming together!

My husband secretly wishes HE was a rockstar and has had fun helping with the design elements. My little art studio is up and running; the above pic is one of 4 art pieces that will be hung in baby's room. I found 12x12 canvas squares at JoAnne's for $5 each, printed out online images that I wanted to use...and a few hours later voila! I'm not an artist by any means, but if you go slow enough you can pretty much replicate anything (thanks to some handy quilting rulers I had!!) I might funk it up a little more with some striped ribbon along the edges (thanks for the idea G!!) It should all look pretty cool, when I'm done.

I had grandiose plans of setting up baby furniture, this weekend, but it hasn't come in, yet [sigh]. Instead, my little sister, and I, worked on cutting profile pictures. I decided that simply gluing the pictures on the profiles was not cool enough, so we jazzed the pictures up with paper borders. Little did I know just how involved this project was going to be! Cutting and gluing paper for 300 pictures is no easy task, but in the long-run it will be worth it! I would pretty much do anything for little babyheart. Somewhere in my mind, every perfected detail will help speed the process. I guess we'll just have to wait and see...




















Thanks Gabrielle, for the help!! Here's the final product (well, one of them. They all look different):Not only did my sister help me knockout projects this weekend...she also gave me this...[Laura, feast your eyes on this bad boy!]
She was packing her bags and I saw it casually laying on top (empty, mind you. she was carrying a D&G). I asked her just how many Coach purses she owns and she smiled sheepishly. Then said, "do you want it?" Umm...let me think..."Yeah!" Apparently, her ex-boyfriend's mom bought it for her a few months ago. I now feel like a true club member. My mom bought me my first ever Coach for Christmas and I'm afraid I'm now hooked...

Day 83

We received our profile proof in the mail yesterday! Which was perfect, because calling the agency, this weekend, was on my to-do list. I was informed the proof would take 2 weeks to arrive and once we approved it, another 2 weeks to print. Today, was going to be the 18th day mark (not that I've been counting) and was thrilled to find it amidst the bills last night! I only found one quotation mark error which my critical grammatical eye could not let go.

I am stunned at how quick this process has been. I started cutting the photos that will later be glued on to all 50 profiles! It's surreal to think that the very profile I've spent hours of time on will be the same one that connects us with baby. The end product looks great; I'm really happy with it!

We only have a couple more responsibilities until the official wait begins! Our final home study visit is on Sunday, July 27th, at 2:30pm (at our house). We'll have to glue all the pics on the profiles, send the finished profiles to the agency, and wait for the final certification/approval. I'm hoping all will come together by August 19th (my birthday). I want to feel officially paper-pregnant on my favorite day of the whole year! :0)

Day 79

"Though it cost all you have, get understanding."
Proverbs 4:7

I've been stewing for a couple days. Not in a smoldering anger kind of way, but in a "God, what do I do?!" way. I love Proverbs 4:7. Every time I read it, the words grip my heart as they jump off the page. Though it cost all you have, get understanding. Get understanding. For me, this has meant: do whatever it takes to search out the heart of God for my life. There were points in my life where I wrote these words on my heart and passionately pursued Him with reckless abandon. I mean it. I didn't care what anyone else thought or said, I only lived to please my King. Still...there have been other times that I questioned the Father. Pleaded, begged, sobbed for answers I did not understand. Tonight, I fall somewhere in-between.

I allowed infertility to harden my heart...and allowing the sweet balm of Jesus to soften the folds, has not come swiftly. As I work toward passion once again, I think about Proverbs 4:7. In the last few years, the Lord has remained mum on why we haven't been able to conceive a child. Not a peep. Do you know how difficult that is? [I know most of you do] Not a "trust me" or "remember my promise" and I certainly never heard, "your time is coming." I don't know about you, but God talks to me. I hear his voice. Clear as day sometimes. Yet, I have heard nothing in regards to having a child.

Tonight, I am whole. I'm not emotional. I'm not angry. I'm not even anxious. I am in complete and total peace. Infertility did not come cheap, and I'm not talking money (although we did spend plenty of that!) Everything I thought I believed was stripped down...every emotion I thought I had experienced intensified, every unasked question I was too respectful to ask, I screamed...Every aspect of who I am was broken. Countless times throughout my life I have prayed, "Lord, your will be done." It's not until tonight, amidst my musing, that I can see the fulfillment. A few short months ago I was a small girl laying on the bathroom floor with nothing left, but faint breath. Understanding had cost me all I had. I was too wrapped up in the pain to see how God had answered my prayer. And I don't think I've stopped long enough, through the adoption process, to see the beauty of arrived understanding. However, today I began to see my life unfold and the wonder of it leaves me breathless. It's not just the baby. It's my passion, my talents, my dreams...they are beginning to take clear paths before my eyes. All of the sudden, I am able to see God's plan before me and all the elements working together. I am astonished. Instantly, I understand...I understand why I had to endure the heartache. I understand the years of brokenness. I understand my recent bouts of anger.

I confess. I have been struggling with the onslaught of insensitive remarks that have carelessly [even if unknowingly] been brought on by ignorance. I wasn't sure why they were hurting my feelings so much, until tonight. On Sunday, after asking me how the adoption process was going, a man said to me, "I'm still trusting God for a miracle; I believe you will get pregnant." After hearing variations of the same thought vocalized--time and time again--I'm ready to go on an adopting mom rampage. Tonight was the last straw. I'm in Home Depot, buying another can of paint for the baby's room, when the employee pretends to be interested and asks, "So...what's the project?" I excitedly answer, "I'm putting the finishing touches on our baby's room."

"Oh...you're pregnant?" He quizzically gives me an up-down.

Genuine laugh. "No, no, I'm not pregnant. We're adopting."

His response? [Brace yourself] "Oh. Well, that's okay, too."

My dry, but pointed response. "I know."

I got to the Jeep and let the fury flow. Had a complete and total stranger really just given me the "a-ok" for adoption? Did he think I really needed his stamp of approval? Did he think his response gave me peace of mind? I knew I needed to step back and think when my alter ego "raging lunatic girl" wanted to stomp back to the help desk and beat him to a pulp. Because I can't take out every ignoramus on the planet I cried, "Lord, why does this make me so angry?"

And the answer came...

It has taken me years of turmoil to truly see the hand of God on my life. To accept His will; His plan..and to be thrilled by it. When someone makes what-they-perceive-to-be-godly or maybe just down-right "friendly" comment, it cuts straight to my heart. It contradicts Truth for my life. It negates everything God has taught...all the progress...all the dying to self...and offers a pat reminder of what the old me used to relish. My friends, I believe these comments--no matter how innocent the intent--are anti-Christ, in accordance to the plan He has paved for me. Why can't people just accept adoption as part of the plan?

God has created me for this time, for this moment, for this child. THIS IS HIS PLAN. I'm not going to let anyone tell me otherwise. Because I can't go smashing faces in [smile], I'm going to start being frank with those that dish their godly wisdom. If people truly care about Ben and I they will stop praying pregnancy and start praying preparation. Preparation for the power of God that's about to be unleashed in our lives.

Day 78

Another great weekend with a mix of two of my favorite elements: Loving on friends and crossing items off my to-do list!!

We started the weekend at a family friend's birthday party. I had some good quality time with my Eva...or "blue" as Ben coins her ("niece" by way of Meeghan). I am forever bonded to this girl and love her like my own. If you've never heard the story of her rapid entry into this world, it's a must read! Click here to see our story.

Ben spent some time with Eva's big sis, Melia, and I captured a cute moment of them sharing a slurpee...







And yes, that is a bowl on Ben's head. Don't ask. Watching him with the girls warms my heart; he's going to be such a great dad! His capacity to love is amazing and his ability to relate adorable. I can't imagine how any birth mom could pass him up...granted, his profile pics don't include bowls...

The highlight of my weekend was spending time with my girls! Not only are they the best friends any girl could ask for they came over to help finish paining the baby's room!

Meeghan, Rachael, Me, and Laura

I am convinced, that without their help the project would have taken me days! In a few short hours we were able to finish the stripes and the room looks AWESOME! I'm so glad I took the extra time to do the stripes horizontal, the room is so bright and fun...and thanks to the Bulls-Eye it looks like it was painted by professionals! Far better than crossing the stripes off my to-do list was spending time with a few of my favorite people. These girls are just as excited as we are, to bring home baby; my heart overflows with the overwhelming support they provide. Once everyone left, I sat in the quiet of the space, rocking my love into the room. I thought about all the nights I'm going to be awake...all the times I'm going to be up with baby...and how I'll never forget this day...the conversation, the love, the people. God has truly given me fullness of friendships.

Rachael, of course, brought Baby Nya along to help! She's growing fast and melts my heart each time I see her. Interestingly enough, she looks just like me (especially baby pictures). It warms my heart that there's one baby in this world that will look like me! Isn't it funny how God doesn't spare a detail?

By next weekend, I should have a well-started baby's room (I'll be sure to post the progress)! The cowhide rug comes tomorrow; crib and changing station over the weekend. Here's the furniture I picked out:

I absolutely LOVE it. And I love the price even more. Both pieces were only $425.00 at Walmart!! The same pieces are sold at other leading stores for hundreds more! I can't wait to see it all come together! I've decided to change up the theme a little. Moo La La meets ROCKstar is the new theme...and to those nervous nellies it will come together in a fantastic way! I'm in the market for a rock'n black be-jeweled chandelier and I'm currently working on some creative artwork that will help tie in the rockstar theme. Ben really got on board when I approved a fender logo and other gutiar designs! More to come...