Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Saying No

We have a lot going on.

Little Missy has had a rough month of doctor appointments. She is in a Early Headstart program that initially caught her vision and hearing irregularities. After several failed tests, we are moving forward with next steps. We did her glasses fitting, today, and boy do I wish I could show you a picture because she is adorable!

The hearing issue is a little scarier. I sat in the booth with her at her last testing and cried every time she couldn't hear the audiologist call her name. She can hear mid and high tones, but missed all the lower levels. She is going to have tubes put in her ears to help the sitting fluid drain better and then we'll do further testing. I am praying that the tubes are our answer!

Our visitation with dad has not, legally, been suspended, but we've been, temporarily, relieved from making the hour drive each week to the agency. I have limited information, but dad is missing and must have done something that warranted our case worker to petition the court for termination. Although, I am sad that he was not able to push forward after 90 days of sobriety and progress, I am so, SO relieved. I finally have complete peace in my heart that our daughter will be with us forever...even if the process drags out for several more months.

We signed all of our adoption paperwork for Sweet Boy. We have all the needed county and state approvals, we're just waiting on our finalization court date. It's a big tie on who is more excited - us or him.

During the wind of activity, last month, we were called about fostering Sweet Boy's half/Little Missy's full baby brother.

Saying no was both the easiest and hardest decision we've had to make when it comes to this process.

Our answer was not a flat "no". We would love to adopt him and allow him to grow up with his natural siblings, but for so many reasons, fostering him is just not what is best for our family, right now. And that's the part that breaks my heart...because I feel like one of the many voices putting their needs/policies about what's actually best for him.

But, it's right for so many reasons.

Managing the schedules of six people (two working adults), with the added complication of a foster care routine (visitation, therapy, home visits, and driving an hour for medical appointments) is near impossible. Logistically, committing to a seventh schedule that will require three weekly visits with mom, is just not realistic.

If that was the only barrier, we would have figured it out. Especially because I am not ready for our story to end with mom. My love for her is so unexplainable and not easily shaken.

The biggest definer for me was Sweet Boy. He has come so far in his security, but we have to handle his heart, gently. He still has moments of complete panic and needs to be reassured, overtly, that our love is never-ending; his home never-changing. We had one of these moment, this past weekend. I don't think his little heart could handle the stress and emotion of another little person in the house, right now, especially a person that could equate to loss.

Even though baby brother would, likely, stay...for mom's sake, I hope he doesn't. I hope that she can find the will to thrive. I know better than anyone the complexities that lie within that statement. I know what my children have suffered and are paying for because of her poor choices...but my love for her will not allow me to give in or give up. I want her to succeed this time.

The system is way too unpredictable to think through all the different scenarios. Baby brother might come to us, eventually, or he might not. Either way, we pray that God protects his spirit and hope that we'll have relationship with him.

We've always operated with open hearts, but leaning on God's direction is critical when it comes to making such life defining and changing decisions.

Saying no is not always easy and sometimes might not even make sense, but affirmation is realized when coated in everlasting peace.


  1. This post made me cry! I am so happy that baby girl gets to stay. She needs you and your family!! Thank you God for answered prayers!

  2. Oh what a tough week you guys have had!! And with the option of another little - what a roller coaster ride. I'm so glad you have peace with your decision to say no. To hear that it was the easiest AND hardest decision - I can only imagine. So grateful to hear that you'll be moving toward finalization with BOTH of them, though. How stinking exciting!!

  3. God's everlasting peace is a wonderful thing! Thank you for your openness and willingness to share the process of your journey and how you come to your decisions. I am positive it helps many! Blessings on you and your awesome family!

  4. So glad the glasses fitting went well! I wish I could see her sweet face in those little glasses. I know from experience how adorable seeing your baby in glasses for the first time can be. ;)

  5. So happy to hear that little miss gets to stay. You and your husband are doing such wonderful things.

  6. This story is amazing. Love you guys!!

  7. As sad as am to read about dad, I hate to hear of anyone losing that battle, I am so happy to read that Little Miss gets to stay with you.

  8. The first post totally made me cry. I just love your story and the way your tell it. Being in your shoes it is so hard to say no to another sibling. We said no to my oldest sons half sister. B mom was in jail and grandpa took custody. He chose to file for adoption 9 months after her birth when b mom didn't have it together. Then again we said no b mom got it together or so we thought.they moved around alot but we kept track she ended up having three total after the one she had in jail. Those three now live with Grandma (not married to grandpa) after living the last 4 years off and on between mom and grandpa (mainly grandpa)he decided to"give up" his words and sent them to live with grandma.my heart breaks for all children who never get the stable life they deserve.

    I am so happy for sweet boy and little miss.

  9. I'm beyond happy for your family that Little Miss gets to stay. Heartbroken that again they have a sibling out there that needs fostering. Praying that the MOM gets her life together so that she can parent this new baby boy. Peace & strength to you and your family!

  10. You hid pretty big news in a post about other things!!! :) I also am sad that Dad couldn't get it together, but we all knew all along that even if he did, that baby girl is better off with you, and thank God that it appears to be that this will be the case. I don't blame you for saying no to baby brother... but I wouldn't be surprised to find a post about him in a year or two....

    We've never met, but I found your blog a few years ago and have been following on and off ever since. We have bio kids but the nagging feeling of wanting to adopt has been with me for years. I need to wait til current kids are a bit older and will probably start pursuing it then. It's been wonderful to read your experiences and perspective. Thanks for sharing, and I am so happy for you and your beautiful family.

  11. You and your family continue to amaze me. Keep loving the way you love!

  12. Just a little bit of encouragement about Little Miss' hearing. My son had failed 2 hearing tests with fluid in his ears and didn't even register on the chart on the tympanogram (sp?) but after having tubes put in we noticed an immediate difference. He passed his next hearing test with flying colors and his hearing and speech are both right on track now. I'll be praying the same thing for your sweet little girl!

  13. If you can, ask for the phone number of the Foster mom who gets baby brother. Tell her yourself what your plans are so that she knows that if he goes up for adoption you want him. It only takes minutes to fall in love with a baby. Also, maybe you can help soften her heart towards bio mom as well. I think you made a wise decision. Can't wait until baby girl is legally yours!!! And sweet boy too...I feel like he already is.