Saying No

We have a lot going on.

Little Missy has had a rough month of doctor appointments. She is in a Early Headstart program that initially caught her vision and hearing irregularities. After several failed tests, we are moving forward with next steps. We did her glasses fitting, today, and boy do I wish I could show you a picture because she is adorable!

The hearing issue is a little scarier. I sat in the booth with her at her last testing and cried every time she couldn't hear the audiologist call her name. She can hear mid and high tones, but missed all the lower levels. She is going to have tubes put in her ears to help the sitting fluid drain better and then we'll do further testing. I am praying that the tubes are our answer!

Our visitation with dad has not, legally, been suspended, but we've been, temporarily, relieved from making the hour drive each week to the agency. I have limited information, but dad is missing and must have done something that warranted our case worker to petition the court for termination. Although, I am sad that he was not able to push forward after 90 days of sobriety and progress, I am so, SO relieved. I finally have complete peace in my heart that our daughter will be with us forever...even if the process drags out for several more months.

We signed all of our adoption paperwork for Sweet Boy. We have all the needed county and state approvals, we're just waiting on our finalization court date. It's a big tie on who is more excited - us or him.

During the wind of activity, last month, we were called about fostering Sweet Boy's half/Little Missy's full baby brother.

Saying no was both the easiest and hardest decision we've had to make when it comes to this process.

Our answer was not a flat "no". We would love to adopt him and allow him to grow up with his natural siblings, but for so many reasons, fostering him is just not what is best for our family, right now. And that's the part that breaks my heart...because I feel like one of the many voices putting their needs/policies about what's actually best for him.

But, it's right for so many reasons.

Managing the schedules of six people (two working adults), with the added complication of a foster care routine (visitation, therapy, home visits, and driving an hour for medical appointments) is near impossible. Logistically, committing to a seventh schedule that will require three weekly visits with mom, is just not realistic.

If that was the only barrier, we would have figured it out. Especially because I am not ready for our story to end with mom. My love for her is so unexplainable and not easily shaken.

The biggest definer for me was Sweet Boy. He has come so far in his security, but we have to handle his heart, gently. He still has moments of complete panic and needs to be reassured, overtly, that our love is never-ending; his home never-changing. We had one of these moment, this past weekend. I don't think his little heart could handle the stress and emotion of another little person in the house, right now, especially a person that could equate to loss.

Even though baby brother would, likely, stay...for mom's sake, I hope he doesn't. I hope that she can find the will to thrive. I know better than anyone the complexities that lie within that statement. I know what my children have suffered and are paying for because of her poor choices...but my love for her will not allow me to give in or give up. I want her to succeed this time.

The system is way too unpredictable to think through all the different scenarios. Baby brother might come to us, eventually, or he might not. Either way, we pray that God protects his spirit and hope that we'll have relationship with him.

We've always operated with open hearts, but leaning on God's direction is critical when it comes to making such life defining and changing decisions.

Saying no is not always easy and sometimes might not even make sense, but affirmation is realized when coated in everlasting peace.