Thursday, August 12, 2010

God is Good.

I know it's been awhile. I've been dealing with some turmoil, but, thankfully, have come out the other side. When I'm in that place of grinding, I can't write...or sometimes talk. I want to process it all on my own, establish my true feelings on the issue, and seek the Lord for direction before I move forward. Otherwise everyone else's thoughts and opinions start shaping my own. Know what I mean?

A couple of weeks ago we were presented an opportunity to adopt again (the baby's birth day is mere weeks away). We said no. Because of money. A  mixture of hate and hurt worked through my heart quickly and it took a few days for God to get a hold of me. I hate infertility. I hate that it never goes away and has the potential to rear its ugliness at any moment. I hate that babies in adoption can often be treated like an eBay auction and that adoptive families have to play the game to win. I hate that there are endless numbers of children in orphanages all across the world that continue to sit there because of money. I hate that there are even more children sitting in foster care that families won't consider adopting because they see them as damaged, troubled, and second-rate. I hate that wanting more children makes me feel selfish.

This is going to be a mish-mash nonsensical rambling because that's the sort of truck that showed up to bulldoze my emotion, this week. I'm ready to take the big girl panties off and go back to days of ignorant bliss. Sometimes I just feel like throwing my hands up in the air and saying, "Lord. I'm tired of doing the right thing. Could we try the wrong-way approach this time?"

When I read some of my earlier blogs, I realize how far I've come. The woman who started this process is not the woman who types this today. I've seen too much. I was so baby focused for so long, it was impossible to see beyond it. Now that I do, it's impossible to think about our future family without seeing the devastation that it caused/will cause.

I know you're wondering what the heck I'm talking about. Back to the baby we said no to. Shocked? Me, too. We're not exactly in the position to turn down family members. But, you know what? Charging $20,000-40,000 to add to our family is robbery.  In this instance, there was no physical way for us to come up with that sort of money in a matter of days, but even if there had been, we still would have said no. We drew a line in the sand months ago. We are only so willing to pay X amount of money for future children. It's such an unfair moral dilemma that adoptive families are thrown into. I've said this before; we understand that if we say no to a domestic adoption there are more than 100 families lined up behind us to say, yes. Kids in the foster care system aren't so lucky. This is how I know we have a future in foster care adoption. That being said, my heart still feels the pull of newborn, domestic adoption.  It breaks my heart to think that I might never get to use all of Ty's baby things, again.

I'm in this constant state of flex. What I know and what I feel are always one upping the other.

To pile on to my already conflicting thoughts, God keeps bringing expectant women my way who (even if for a moment) are considering adoption. This is the area I've seen the most growth in my life. No longer do I see baby flags when I see these women. I see women. I see women struggling with a horrendous decision; women who are walking paths that I've never had to walk.  And I have to do the right thing. I have to tell them the truth. I have to put the right resources in their hands....and, typically, I never see/hear from them again. Which is okay, because I know I've done what God's asked of me.

The night leading up to our formal decline (for the baby offered through an agency), I was a mess. The next morning, however, God grabbed me by the bootstraps and firmly said, "Don't go there." He quickly turned the motion picture of my life into reel and I sat in awe. God is in control of the plans that seems so out-of-control and that is enough for me. He knows me. He knows my heart, my urges, my cries. And I trust him.

How can I look at Ty and not trust that God's plan for my life is fuller than anything I could do on my own? When I ask Ty what noise the snake makes and I get the most adorable nose-scrunching "Sssssss" in reply, I know God is good. When I look at the compassion that just bursts from Ben's heart and the father that God's shaping him to be, I know God is good. When I hear the laughter and love in Rebekah's voice when talking about our boy, I know God is good. When I see my inherit, selfish nature morphing into reflections of my God, I know God is good.

I hope that no matter where you find yourself in life today, you, too, know that God is good.

48 comments:

  1. He is good. Beautiful! Love you

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  2. Wow! Rebekah.........thank u for being willing to go with Gods plan and wait on him. Waiting and trusting in what u can't see sucks huh! Yah I know! sometimes life can be so intense!

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  3. Oh, Rebekah. My heart breaks for you as I read this post. It just seems so wrong sometimes, but I know God has a plan for you beyond your wildest dreams, and I'm glad you know this too. My heart breaks even further for the children seen as "unadoptable." It really makes me want to adopt them all! I'm praying right now, considering doing it sooner rather than later (not all of them really, but one or two). I was talking to a lady at church about it the other day, and she gave me some additional insight.

    Anyway, just wanted to let you know I'm praying for you.

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  4. I can completely relate to where you are with the financial decisions dealing with adoption. We come across situations that would be a good fit, except for the fee attached. We want to be parents so badly, but $35,000 just isn't realistic for us. I don't know that I would be happier if we could afford that, because I really feel that it shouldn't be that expensive.

    Turning down any situation is hard. I know it is. But you are right, there are other parents waiting too.

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  5. Adoptive Parents and Prospective Adoptive Parents have the power to be the biggest advocates for ethic in adoption.
    I have heard of agencies who fleece Pap's and Ap's for every penny. They charge thousands of dollars to take "adoption classes" that cost more than university classes but are taught by adoption workers, some of whom don't even have college degrees. And the fees. The fees are not based in reality. Most do not go to actual legal costs but to lining the pockets of the agency bigwigs.
    Don't believe me?
    Why then is there such a huge discrepancy in "fees" based on race? Why are the "fees" so different from agency to agency?
    And that adoption tax credit everyone loves? It also drives up those fees. Agencies know that you'll pay more if you think you will get some of it back from the government.
    I know I will hear the cry that not all agencies do this, some are good. I'm sure there are some, a very few that are but one must be careful.
    Desperation, money and infants do not make for many ethics in a largely unregulated industry.
    Until people in your position take a stand and say no, those fees are unfair and unethical, change will not happen.
    Adoptees can't do it (agencies see us as the commodity even when we are grown) first parents can't do it.
    But if adoptive parents take a stand, change will happen.

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  6. I know...I know exactly how you feel, thanks for voicing that so that many of us out here don't feel alone. God is so good!

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  7. YOu have such a beautiful outlook on things. Everytime I read your writing I am challenged in one way or another. I'm sorry it didn't work out this time but I'm so glad to hear that you followed where you felt God was telling you to go (or in this case-not to go!) I know he'll bless you for it ten fold!

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  8. Yet another fantastic post...you might feel like your words are frenzied, but they really are beautiful. I can't imagine what it was like to go through that experience, but it sounds like you have a wonderful perspective on the overall picture. All I know is, everything happens for a reason. Everything.

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  9. Wow, Rebekah. It sounds like it's been a rough couple of days. I know where you are coming from on this. We have set the wheels in motion for #2 and I am struggling with some of the same things. You have such a great outlook on things and God IS Good. Just like with Ty, when the time comes, you will KNOW that it is as it should be.

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  10. I really enjoy reading your posts. I also admire you for your strength in regards this situation.

    Kelly (comment above) had some very rational points. Adoptive parents should be advocates.

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  11. WOW Your post gives me chills... I to know God has a plan but sometimes we all need a little reminder. Thank you for posting this and giving me a reminder that HIS plan is in action not ours and we need to follow :) J

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  12. You continue to amaze me each time I read your posts. I am praying for you and am reminded today that our God is so so good!

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  13. Rebekah...sending lots of love and prayers your way. What a hard decision to make, I'm so impressed at your ability to look into the future before making a rash decision. I hope I would be able to do the same. Love to you!

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  14. I too have followed your blog since well before Ty was born,but I usually never comment. Having adopted 2 beautiful girls through open adoption, now ages 5 and 10, I can relate so much of what you are feeling. It is like I could have written the same words 10 years ago. If it makes you feel any better, what you are feeling is "normal". Almost all of my amom friends went through it too. We all met through our agency as waiting to be parents. We sometimes laugh at all we have gone through over the years, failed adoptions, 2nd placements, fears of openness,birth parent difficulties, parenting joys and frustration, and oh the guilt of be blessed by someone else's loss. I guess my point here is we all agree that after all the worry and agonizing we did through each step ultimately God was in control. God gave us the children that were meant for us to parent in His time, never on our schedule. I know you trust God with all your heart. We just have to listen to Him and sometimes He whispers. His whisper comes in the form of things just not feeling "right" or not having the funds at the time when you are presented with a situation.

    I think it is crazy that some adoptions are so expensive. We were blessed with an agency that charges NO fees because they believe the child is the client and work for them. They run soley on donations for the past 115 years. We never felt like we "bought" our girls and they never have to feel like comodities. They were entrusted to us by their birth families with love without a single dime being exchanged between us. We knew that our bmoms made their choices with a pure heart. Their caseworkers work with them just as much on making a parenting plan as they do an adoption plan. They will help and support with either plan the pregnant mom chooses. I love that.

    Wishing you peace in this journey. Enjoy Ty being the only child for now. It changes so much when you add another to the mix. They grow up so fast. I can't believe my baby started Kindergarten yesterday and my first baby is a 5th grader.

    Blessings....Deb

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  15. I struggle with a lot of the same issues when considering adoption for the second time around. Our little guy is 17 months and we aren't quite financially recovered from his adoption...
    Deb's (lady above) agency sounds like the dream agency. People always ask us why adoption is so expensive and I don't really know what to tell them. We have a very open relationship with our son's birthmother. She asked us how much it cost (the agency never told her) and she was SHOCKED to find out how much it was.

    I see the pain that she goes through (though she knows she did the absolute best thing for him) and it's really hard to think about bringing another baby into our lives that will cause so much pain to another amazing woman.

    So many decisions, none of them easy....

    Thanks for sharing your heart; it's very much the same as mine.

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  16. I think it's the right decision. There were a few opportunities that we were presented with that didn't feel right. Either the timing was bad or the money wasn't there. God will provide the money if it's meant to be, and you guys felt like this wasn't the time or the opportunity for you. Knowing your limits is an important part of this process!

    On another note, I really feel like some adoption finance reform is needed. I know there are legitimate expenses associated with adoption, but at a certain point it begins to feel punative and exclusionary.

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  17. Love this post. I am so sad that adoptions are the way they are in some aspects. I cannot believe how expensive it is to adopt a child. I will be praying for you. xo

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  18. As another adoptive Mom, I can so relate to almost all your posts on adoption! This one resonates with me so much right now. My little guy is 6 & I feel that pull so desparately to have another. But, we are also in a position where we can't afford to shell out another 30 some thousand again. I have to continually remind myself that God does have a plan & that I need to quiet my heart to listen...thanks for always being so frank & so honest...you really do make a difference in so many lives!

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  19. I am a foster adopt mother of four siblings. They were age 4,4,2 and 1 when we took the placement. I also had the dreams of adopting an infant. I just turned it all over to God. In his perfect timing our family was made. Once we started fostering we joined a foster parent support group. This group helped give us the resources that we needed to be foster/adopt parents. I really enjoy reading your blog.

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  20. i feel like we are so much at the same "point" in life.......if my thoughts had words ~ they would be what you just wrote in this post.....sometimes i get so angry that money has to play such a huge role in our family building journey ~ looking at other options besides domestic newborn adoption is exciting and scary all at the same time.....trying to trust in the journey and have faith that if we are meant to have another child ~ we will....

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  21. We were also facing adoption again and ALSO had to take another road. We simply DON'T HAVE 50K + to adopt another child and would also be robbing our family if we chose too. We were in the same situation with Zachary. His birthmother was demanding this and demanding that... we finally said, NO. This (X amount of $) is what we have to adopt. Spending more would mean financial stress on us and ultimately on HIM. We said NO. We told her we wanted to adopt more than anything in the world, but WOULD NOT buy her baby. We came home from the hospital with NO baby. Days later she called us to come get Zachy. The lord worked her heart. She did the right thing. I say this to tell you that I share the same emotions, frustrations saddness and JOY in the in the children we already have. It will never be fair for ANYONE when it comes to adoption. Sigh... Thinking of you.

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  22. hmmm.

    all i can say is i understand the turmoil of wanting something the easy way and KNOWING that isn't God's plan.

    hard to believe anyone would call adoption the easy way, but after fostering, I base the "easiness" on knowing that the child is legally free for adoption, unlike my girls.

    we have gotten to the point where our road is rocky, on a good day. this is hard. following God is the narrow way-because it's hard. but His yoke is easy and HIS burden is light. He has bore our burdens the whole time, from the minute you and I decided to do things the less chosen way.

    15 - 20 years from now we will both look around at our homes that will be FULL and see how great HIS plan was and how amazingly perfect it ended up being for us.

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  23. So tough but keep pressing in, God will not lead you astray. You are doing an awesome job being a mom, wife, friend.... you get the picture. Enjoy each moment, they are fleeting.

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  24. First of all, I miss you! This post was beautifully written! I truly miss talking to you in person about all these things and learning so much from you! Your blog is still one of my favorites to read for the main fact that it's 100% the real deal. I'll come visit soon! :)

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  25. That was so well written!! Jer 29:11:) Thanks so much for sharing. Mollie L

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  26. What an amazing beautiful post...thank you I needed this today! We also have began the adoption process and have been disheartened at the cost some agencies chart for adoption, it is so unfair. We too are trying to have faith in God that he will lead us to the child He wants us to parent.
    You are such an inspiration, thank you!

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  27. Thank you for posting this, Rebekah. We also passed on a match this summer. I have been having the same mixed feelings as you describe about adoption and it's cost, etc. I've been beating myself up and second-guessing our decision. It helps to know other couples are going through the same tough choices.

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  28. I believe God has a plan for you - God spoke to me and I became foster parent not knowing where that would lead but God showed me there is such a need for good foster parents. That are going to love the children and show them what families are made of. Think of the base you are giving the child - August 24th I will be adopting my foster daughter that I have fostered since birth she will soon be 3.

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  29. Wow, Friend...big stuff here! I'm so sorry you had that situation come up and you had to say no. I too am so frustrated and disheartened about how money is so irreparably intertwined within adoption. It doesn't seem fair that money should be able to determine families but it does.

    Still, your spirit is strong and your heart and mind are open to the other things that are waiting for you around the corner. I can't wait to find out what those things are, right along with you.

    Hugs for you as you walk the walk...it's definitely not always easy, as you know!

    Melba

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  30. You have such a beautiful way of putting feelings into words. Our first adoption came very quickly before we were financially ready. Remember those checks that come in the mail from your credit card companies? Let's just say that our debt ratio jumped quickly. I remember telling my husband "We made the last payment today". About 3 years later, we had a similar situation as you did. My emotions went from high to lower than low so quickly that I litterally broke out in hives. God had his plan though and his plan turned out to be 9 years after our first son. Again, his timing was perfect. There were so many signs that this was his will but we had to step out in faith. As soon as we signed the first paperwork to start the process, we received an unexpected refund from a house that we had sold. It "just happened" to be the same amount as the case study, etc. God is so good...all the time. He is using you to minister in a mighty way.

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  31. Rebekah - I think about those babies in orphanages, too and I wonder what God is thinking. They don't all get saved, but some do. I know that His ways are higher than mine, but I still don't get how he distributes such a precious thing as babies. But, like you, I look at Ty and I know He is good. Who else could have created such a wonder and given him (through many human means) to you and Ben. You have been faithful and He is cerainly faithful, too. Love you.

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  32. Rebekah, I always enjoy reading your posts. Thank you for being so open with us all! One thing I felt should be brought up. We just adopted a newborn African American baby boy. Here in Utah the agency we worked with is ALWAYS looking for families for AA babies. Yes, the cost is high. We are taking advantage of the tax credit and a grant through Show Hope. In your post I think you said that there would be 100 people lined up behind you to adopt a newborn. Here in Utah, anyway, that is not the case with AA babies. We were not aware of this need before it was shared with us this past winter, so wanted to make it known to the blog world, as well!

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  33. God bless you...and I will be praying for you. God is good and will continue carrying you.... You know that poem "Footprints" ? Always a comfort....

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  34. Hi Rebekah, great post, and I'm heartbroken to hear you've been through this experience. I am also furious when I hear about money changing hands for babies. It is actually illegal here through domestic adoption agencies. In fact we were not even permitted to give our girl's BM a gift as it could be perceived as her benefitting in some way. As another commented, there are some legitimate costs but paying the birth family should not be one of them. I love that you work through these things before you post. It still allows for great discussion but you can post knowing you followed your own hearts.

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  35. I think that you should definitely look at some child in the foster system as they need love too. You might get lucky and get a small child or two. I realize you would love to use the clothes again but you have had the newborn experience so why not help another child get out of the system and into a loving family

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  36. You are such an amazing, Godly woman. I wish I could go through rough times with as much as grace as you!!! :) I totally understand the frustration of the cost of adoption. We saved and saved for our adoption expenses, but in the end, we wound up charging a VERY large amount so we could bring our daughter home. I felt so much resentment about having to go into debt just to have a child. We joke about hoping she is paid off before she starts college, but in the end, it is no laughing matter that adoption is so expensive. Our hope is to one day be in a financial position where we can help families that want to adopt but money is an obstacle.

    God bless you and your family!!!!

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  37. I know this is crazy sounding but have you ever thought of asking Rebekah to be a surrogate? I think that would be an awesome idea that would work out well for all involved. Is this something you have ever thought at all about?

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  38. Hi Rebekah, it's Tracy T. I'm sorry that you're been through such a rough patch lately. Yes, infertility is a hard road to walk. I've seen this over and over in your posts and in the lives of several friends of mine. My adoptive mom once told me that she thinks that it was God's plan for her and my dad not to have biological childern and for her and my dad to adopt me and my brother and be a family. She says she dosn't think of us as her "adopted children" just as her children. I think that's why she had such a hard time ajusting to the fact that I could love two mothers and that my birth mother can not replace her. Any way- I don't think that you're selfish for wanting another newborn- maybe a little sister for Ty.
    I can feel your pain as I read this post. Yes it just plain sucks that adopting a new born cost so much. On the other hand as I'd mentioned before, there is a family in my chruch who has adopted 5 children- four infants- the oldest was 6 month, I belive the two blond blue eyed biological siblings were placed with them right from the hospital and the little Native boy was a premie and thus very small- from foster care and the 14 year old AA was adpoted from a privat agenncy. I see them with dad frequently- the parents are divorced- and think what a blessing it is that foster care/ adption exists. I know that you and Ben will provide some very blessed children with a forever family and that will be such a blessing from God.
    Thanks for the reminder that God knows our hearts, our cries, our urges. I trust him too, but I'm strugeling with a tough issue- I won't go into detail here- and I needed to be reminded that God is with me even as I struggle and I cry and I tell Him how unfair the whole
    ordeal is!!!! HUGS for you, Rebekah. I'll be praying for God to bring the children He has chosen for you and Ben and Ty at just the right time for you and for them as well!!

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  39. I feel such a mixture of emotions when I read your posts (this one especially). I hurt for you. For Me. For anyone with infertility who has to told when she can become a mom. I understand the burden of money associated with adoption, as we are still writing checks as our son has turned 7 months.
    I also feel blessed and joyful that my relationship with Christ allowed me to walk through this valley hand in hand with Christ.

    God's plan for me has become more and more clear in these past months. As I look back, he was setting the stage for our son to become part of our family. Of course I don't know even the half of it. You can't see it, but God has big plans for you and Ben. Plans that involve a big family-I'm sure of it.

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  40. There's a family in our town who decided to do foster parenting. In a several year span they took in 10 kids, several of whom were newborns abandoned or taken away at the hospital. Usually the newborns would only stay a few months, but one stayed 3 years...they could have adopted several of them but only wanted to foster. So you never know what God has planned!

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  41. I know right? It sickens me, the amount of money international adoption is. These children are free to be adopted, many without proper care, waiting for their forever family, and we can't do anything about it because of the price tag.

    I do understand adoption requires fees. It costs money to advertise, council, and give support to families. Once a friend mentioned how wrong she thought it was that adoption was so expensive. While I agree, it is way out of hand, I look around and think, "You bought a car for $25,000, but you wouldn't pay adoption fees?"

    I recently visited an adoption site where agencies posted available situations. This one particular agency posted they had twin Caucasian girls due in 4 weeks. The fee to adopt them was $60,000. Why? Because they were white and girls? Can you imagine if first families knew many adoption workers charged adoptive families based on the color of their babies skin/sex? Totally disgusting. If anything needs to change, that does. We live in America. No licensed business in the US should be able to charge adoption fees based on skin color or sex.

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  42. okay, I just wanted to say that you had me at, "I'm ready to take the big girl panties off.." it took me a moment to grow up (quit giggling) and get back in the heart wrenching discussion. HUGS, be bold and corageous, He's got you!

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  43. God is good, all the time! I'm not the same woman I was when we started the process either. It's an interesting journey to parenting going through adoption, even if infertility wasn't an issue. It teaches us to value our families just a little bit more I think.
    We're planning to foster to adopt for our next child and we've already had one or two situations come to our attention. It's the cost of those that makes it almost an immediate no but more then that it's the calling and plan God has placed on our lives that makes us say no. We know the path He's put us on and we're going to follow it. Sorry, I'm rambling about me. It's just nice to know we're not alone, that there are other mom's that feel the same way about sticking to God's plan for your family.

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  44. All I want to say is that you have a beautiful heart and God is certainly at work in your family's life. I have said this before again and will say it again...I am looking forward to seeing how our God will provide and expand your family. Nothing is impossible for Him.

    Lots of love.

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  45. This a great post and one I needed to put my spirit in check. Thank you for sharing.

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  46. Honestly, if everyone who is spending thousands and thousands of dollars to get one child donated that money to struggling countries, the children in those orphanages could go to school, eat every day and grow up stronger. It's sad that the argument is how much it costs for one child when there are many more who need help.

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  47. Why do prospective parents have to pay so much money to adopt a child?

    Because adoption is all about proving that in some way, shape or form that the adoptive parents are better than the biological ones.*

    If it wasn't about that, then adoption wouldn't need to exist. Let me put it this way: Who adopts a child from a higher standing class family into a *lower* one?

    So adoption is about creating a family - on the basis of a lower-class family.

    *Not referring to abused or neglected children...

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