Day 387

Ever since Ben took me to be his wife, there have been splices of time where he'll intently stare into my eyes and then casually say, "I just had a moment." I usually give him a teasing "your-so-cheesy" kind of look, while inside, my heart does flip-flops. I require no explanation for his words...but I'll give one so you can grasp his sweetness.

We have moments in life, almost out-of-body, where our breath is taken away by the goodness of God and the anticipation of life. The fist time Ben had one of these "episodes" he explained that he couldn't believe where he was standing at that very moment...the woman that was by his side...the fullness in his heart...the graciousness of his Father. It was more than he ever could have imagined or planned for his life.

Ben is definitely a stop-and-smell-the-roses kind of boy. I wish I was more like him.

I'm a speed-through-life-always-doing-ten-things-at-once kind of girl. I'm working on it. My "moments" are few and far between, but I had one tonight.

My "before baby list," of things to do, shrinks with each passing day. Tonight's task landed us at the Laundromat. I wanted to wash our down comforters and all the rugs in the house. Usually, I test the washer at home by cramming and shoving them in...but they never really clean (or dry) the way I'd like. So...off to the laundromat we went. I say we because it never crossed Ben's mind that I would go alone. "It's our house," he said, plainly, (as if every man would respond the same), when I thanked him for being there.

Always a team, we scrutinzed a solution to get the mammoth machines in front of us working (neither of us had ever been in a facility of this kind before). It took longer than it should have, but within a few minutes...okay several minutes...we had both puppies up and running.

[Sidebar: Do you know how huge those washers and dryers are? We are seriously doing this every few months. So much easier.]

With the hum of the wash in our ears, we sat out in the cool night and just were. We talked a little. Mostly sat. We weren't having deep philosophical conversation or even sharing about our days. We were simply together. And that's when I had my moment.

For two years straight [no exaggeration] I was a walking zombie. I was so numb from heartache I wasn't capable of feeling. As we opened the door to adoption there were definitely springs of life, along the way. I was in such a deep freeze, it took a long time for my heart to completely thaw...and heal...from the years of turmoil. Everything about this process has been slow. Answers. Waiting. Healing. Baby.

But, tonight...sitting on a small town park bench, outside a stuffy laundromat, next to the only person who knows the shades my heart has seen...I felt whole. Alive. We were two kids figuring out the world together. We weren't in a hurry...or searching for words to say. We just were.

I will never be able to fully explain the wash cycle we were thrown into, the past five years. But, I can say that I'm thankful. I am a changed woman. My husband is a changed man. Our marriage is stronger than it ever has been and my passion for the Lord fiercer than I knew possible. I don't look at life with a wamsy-pambsy attitude, anymore.

I have surety.

I have surety in who God is. Who he has made me to be. What he has called me to do. God is doing BIG things in our hearts and this coming baby boy is only the beginning. Isn't that exciting? For the past several years, my vision was so short-sighted, I couldn't see beyond getting pregnant or having a baby. The Father's hand has been tweaking and operating for several months now and I believe I saw distance for the first time, on Sunday. Don't get me wrong, I want that baby boy more than anything I've ever wanted before...but I can finally see life beyond him.

I am thankful for this pre-baby revolution and I am forever indebted to the Father for giving me such a gift in Ben. I can finally say with confidence: We are ready to bring our baby boy home.