Day 11

"Why do I feel so sad?" were the first words from my mouth as we quietly closed the door after our adoption consultation. Ben's answer: "Because nothing about this process is easy."

When I wrote the quote from Jana Wolff at the top of my blog I didn't understand her words-- "...[adoption] takes more courage than you think you have--" but I thought they sounded nice. Now, I understand. Far more costly than the price of adoption is the emotional risk. There are approximately 30 families waiting per child to be adopted...50% of birth mothers change their mind during the pregnancy...20% change their mind once they hold their newborn...3% act on their right to reclaim their baby within the first six weeks. I cannot imagine the devastation...the pain was etched in Ben's eyes as he responded, "After everything we've been through, you're telling me that we could have our baby home for six weeks and it could be taken from us..." the answer is a deafening "yes." You'd think such a small percentage would hold such little impact. Not so. There are 97 reasons why this avenue is beautiful...awesome...inspiring, yet it's the 3 that remind me of what I'm not and what I can't do on my own. It's the 3 that scream, "you thought you had it rough....we're going to taunt you more.."

My head wants to explode WHEN IS ENOUGH, ENOUGH? Can't I just hit the "easy" button? I'm tired of walking uphill. I mean how much growth does one girl need?

Are we proceeding--yes. Did we like the agency--yes. Will this be one of the hardest things we've had to do--yes. It's like scientists are inspecting and scrutinizing every fine detail of our lives. Every answered question raises more...How black is too black? How drunk is too drunk? What do you believe? How will you discipline? Is smoking okay? Will you stay home or work? If you work how many hours? Will you use daycare and whom will you choose? Are you religious? How far do you live from your church and how much time will you spend there? How far do you live from the nearest elementary school? What have you done for your community? How will you administer medical care....Aye yi yi. Can't we just have a baby? Don't they know I have enough love in my heart for 4?

Ben was right. Nothing about this process is easy.