Unadoptable

The smile on this kid lights up the world.

Call it morbid, but sometimes I think about what my life would be had we not adopted Tyrus. It makes me well every time. Obviously, we had many childless years, but the presence of Ty has returned them to us as his laughter and growling take up so much room. Imagining him with another family, even Rebekah and her family, is too much to bear. He is a part of us, now, and the undoing of what's been done is too inconceivable to think about.

Ben and I carry those thoughts into our conversations about foster adoption. We've been talking about it a lot.

There are so many children waiting for families and there is a great urgency in my heart to do something. And by something I don't simply mean adopt as many children in our lifetime as possible (although that's coming!) These kids need advocates. They need voices shouting their names from rooftops and families enveloping their hearts in love. I've been hearing and reading stories that would make your lunch turn. A daughter missing feet because her "mother" left her on a snowy porch, in only her underwear, for hours at a time. A son that was thrown out the window in a fit of rage. A Ukrainian orphan that was deemed unadoptable by her country.

I heard a message, this week, on the love of our Father that produced such violence in my spirit, I had a difficult time functioning through the rest of my day. I walked away shouting, Lord, there is no man, woman, or child on this earth that is unloved, unwanted, or unadoptable. No exception. Yet, the world and church alike, prove me otherwise, every single day...

There are so many things I could say, here, but I want to keep this specific to what the Lord's showing me toward adoption. I've been chewing on my prayer for the last two days and I realized, tonight, that unadoptable labels exist...because families like ours use them. Ouch.

Sure, we get a gold star for even considering foster adoption in the first place. A red one for looking at sibling groups and even a green one for embracing diversity, but what about adopting a child over the age of 12? Unadoptable. A baby addicted to methamphetamine? Unadoptable. A teenager that has severe emotional or health issues? Unadoptable.

The reality is that these kids are labeled unadoptable because there are few families willing to adopt them...including mine.

That was a pretty hard pill to swallow, tonight. Yes, more families should be concerned about the foster crisis in our country. Yes, more adoptive families should be willing to look outside of domestic adoption. But, I can't change the hearts of other families...I can only work on mine.

Tonight, I'm saying, Lord, change me. Help me look at all children as your children. Affix new labels on their heads.

I stand by my initial prayer. Through the eyes of Christ - unloved, unwanted, and unadoptable children do not exist. If only the rest of us could see the world that way...

Happy Birthday Rebekah!

Since Ty can't sing Happy Birthday, yet, we had to show off the tricks he can do!

 

 

We love you so much, Rebekah, and hope you feel all kinds of wonderful, today!

Joy in Color

Joy and gladness in full measure. Complete and overflowing.

                                                                                                           ~ John 15:11

Looking for Input

I am gearing up to attend a strategic planning seminar, this weekend, for a local foster adoption agency/ministry that is in the final stages of becoming licensed.  You will definitely be hearing more about this from me in the days to come, as I'm super excited to be a part of something so cool. The mission of this group is simple: Bring Christian families and waiting children together. They've committed to providing no-fee adoption services, education, and support programs that tear down walls to adoption. It's important to note, here, that I'm talking about foster care adoption - meaning, the children you would consider adopting are "waiting children;" parental rights have already been terminated.

Here's what I'd like to know from you (all off you) and I'd really like you to answer honestly, without holding back. I'm going to take all of your comments to the seminar, this weekend, so that we have a pulse on how families really feel about adopting through foster care.

Here's what I'd like to know:

• Have you or would you consider foster care adoption?
• If the answer is "no," what are your reasons/reservations? 
• Is there something specific that would change your answer (i.e. If I had a larger house with more bedrooms)?
• If the answer is "yes," do you have concerns?
• What kind of support would help ease those concerns?

I really appreciate and value your input. Feel free to send me a personal email, if you'd like your answers to remain private. I look forward to sharing more about this initiative!!

Answering Comments

Looks like this is becoming our set time together. I like it. I look forward to it. It's Sunday night...my homework finished, the house clean, laundry done, one little boy sleeping, one big boy watching football...quiet time for me.

I wanted to address a few comments in my last post, some I allowed; one I did not.

I had two anonymous comments that were very much in the same vein. The first said... I think the constant contact might be good for Ty but not for the two of you. Maybe you should just update her once a year or so... and the second...If the adoption was closed then maybe you would not have all these feelings and feel like you are upsetting Rebekah. I think that open adoption must be too much for you.

I allowed both comments because although I find them self-protecting, I don't think they were written in meanness.  It wasn't all that long ago that I was on the other side of adoption. Some of the words in my earlier posts make me cringe, knowing what I know now. For Ben and I, the door of adoption was one full of hope and eagerness. I, admittedly, spent more time thinking about the future of our family than about the woman who would be making that happen. It wasn't until we met Rebekah that reality hit, swiftly. Knowing that, allows me to lend grace, easily, to those not walking this path. Our culture has not been educated on adoption. In most realms it's still a hush-hush topic. I can say that, confidently, because most people get uncomfortable when I tell them Ty is adopted. I don't have rules about where and when I share that information, but it does come out naturally (and often) because it's so much apart of our family. 

Back to the above comments. If the relationship we had with Rebekah was rough and uncomfortable, even controlling, we would still pursue open adoption. Being a good mom is about doing what is best for your children - no matter how it makes you feel. Rebekah considered her feelings when contemplating adoption, but her preference for her children (all of them) trumped the breaking in her heart. Her example is one I strive for; I want to love Tyrus the way she does. To say contact might be good for Ty, but not for the two of you is contradictory of love. If it's good for Ty, it's good for us. Of course, keeping Rebekah at arms length would have been easier at times, but there is freedom in truth. When it's all laid out in the open - when no secrets or animosity exist - when love is the motivator, God can do anything. Just look at what he's done in our family. I'm allowed to think and feel and wonder. Everybody does. I just choose to expose my stirrings here, for all of you to read. I choose to do it because I know God is using me to help change the face of open adoption.

I would also like to say that I agree with Ms. Anonymous. Open adoption is too much for me. Any love you see portrayed or displayed in my life is from one source alone...and nothing is too difficult for him.

Anonymous commenter #3 did not get her words posted because they were mean and malicious and received nothing but a big eye roll from me. All I want to say is that abandoning mothers are mothers women that leave babies in dumpsters and let perverse boyfriends have free rein in there homes. Tyrus will never use those words in conjunction, when describing Rebekah. Enough said.


 The last response is to a question that Love You Already posted. She talked about having a strong bond with her daughter's birth mother in the beginning, but then life took over and their family solidified. She wrote...It's only been within the last few days that I've started to face the same reality you write about. It's not an easy truth to accept...I try to have the same, open heart...but I am hurting. Do you hurt too?

Such an honest question and one I'm happy to answer. When it comes to Ty's adoption, my relationship with Rebekah, and my security as his mother, there are no hang-ups. No hurts. I never wonder about why I couldn't carry him or why it had to be this way. It took us a long time to process our infertility and allow God to fully heal our hearts, but once we were able to see clearly, we knew that God had us on this road for a reason. There aren't many families doing what we are doing...and he needs us, especially in the foster adoption arena.

That being said...I hurt. Most days my heart is in a state of rest, but there are triggers that threaten to take me back to dark places and they're unpredictable. Sometimes a friend getting pregnant with #2 or #3 is no big deal and sometimes it's a crushing blow. Sometimes I can be in a room of mothers swapping pregnancy stories and sometimes it makes me want to run. Sometimes I can pack Ty's items away in anticipation on what's to come and sometimes I weep over the loss I feel, not knowing if I'll see them again.

There are other things that always sting - women talking about "trying" (as if it's no big thing), teen pregnancy, rough home lives, ungrateful parents, etc. I hope that one day this part of my heart will turn off. I hope that our family is so large that infertility is a near-forgotten past, but for now, it remains a constant thorn. I'm reminded every month at what my body should be able to do and can't.

Most days I'm pretty good at taking thoughts captive, remembering God wrote my future, and enjoying life as it is. Don't ever beat yourself up for feeling sad or uncertain. It's life. Just keep pressing on and know that new days will always come.

Adoption: The Two-Faced Beast

Oh, how I miss you. This place. Be assured, I'm still writing...it just has nothing to do with passion or heart or dark-eyed boys, but everything to do with process improvement, customer voice, and integrated enterprise. I know, right? Gag me. I have been working on a case study for hours, this week, and am indulging in a much needed break to spend some time, here. I definitely should be doing laundry or dishes or scraping God knows what off the sticky kitchen floor, but what's one more night?

I would much rather free my head from all it's garbled thoughts and heart stirrings. There are a few things that I've been meaning to write about for weeks, now. While I can't super-woman all of it tonight, there is a chain of conversations that took place in our household, this week, that I'd like to open up.

I looked at Ty the other day in his big-boy haircut and mischievous, I'm-about-to-do-something-you-won't-like smile, and immediately saw Rebekah's youngest son, Sky. I mean clear as day; they look so similar. I instantly felt this pierce in my heart for Rebekah and wondered how she was doing. Not in a how's-your-day-going kind of way (we keep up with that pretty good), but rather, is-your-heart-bleeding-for-your-son-today.

It's easy to get caught up in life and family and activities, but when the noise fades, I often think of Rebekah. I can't ever imagine doing what she did. I can't. I can't even fathom the mix of emotions that must fill her heart. Ty has the perfect adoption. In the world of adoption, if it must exist, we've all received God's best in each other, but... it's still adoption.

After seeing Sky in Ty, my next stream of consciousness jumped to Ty's high school graduation. Will Rebekah hold my hand, cheering the loudest, as our boy walks across the stage...or will she smile, quietly, as her heart weeps over the moments she's missed?

Within a couple days of feeling such conflicting thoughts I received this note in an email from Rebekah:

I actually felt that "pit" in my stomach again when I saw those pictures today. He just looks so much like Victoria did when she was little. It's those flashback moments that make my head spin. Most of the time I'm stuck in a world wind of my life that I don't have time to sit and think that I'm a birth mom.

This is adoption.


On the silver lining side, I'm so grateful for the honesty in our relationship. I love that we can talk and write to each other without pretenses and void of insecurities on what the other mother might be thinking.

But then there's the other side.

The side that reads those words and never wants to adopt again. The side that has seen more reality than I bargained for. This will never go away. Hear me when I say this, I am raising another woman's child.  Not thinking of her will never be an option. She will always be family; always be present; her emotions always preferred.

I know she's not wallowing in hurt or chasing every minute with pain. God has given her much grace; much strength.  But the loss will always be grafted in her heart. Time doesn't heal that wound.

I know foster care adoption tends to bring a justice that isn't needed in domestic adoption, but I still wonder if I'm ready to open the door again. I don't want women to experience adoption pain and loss and devastation.

Such a two-faced beast.

Of course, women will continue to choose adoption - some out of desperation, necessity, coercion, guilt, etc.  Whatever the reason, I know on our end, God has asked us to be open. He has asked us to walk this path, somewhat blindly. I have no idea what our near or far future looks like or how our family will take shape.

Sometimes I wonder if I spend too much time thinking. Too much time chewing on adoption. But, all I can say is this. The more I see Rebekah, the more I see my God. I see his love through our story. Not just his love for me and Ty and our new extended family. I see his love for his people. The great throb in Rebekah's heart toward her son, pales in comparison to the thumping in God's for us.

Doesn't that make you awestruck?

My prayer for our future family is that God would bring us children (with families) that need him. A little love on legs, if you will. He has equipped us to do this work and there is much to be done.

Baby to Boy

Thank you for all your kind emails as so many of you have been checking in on me. We're still here! My MBA program started up again, this fall. Between homework and a promotion at work, I'm barely treading water and fighting the urge to quit school - I'm too close to the finish line.

Blogging has taken a back to seat to my thesis and class work, but I'll come back.

Ty is exceptional. Just when I think my favorite month of him just passed, a new one comes along. I love the independent spirit that is emerging. He knows just want he wants and doesn't let boundaries hold him back (my kind of man). His ability to comprehend what we're saying without the ability to talk back, astounds me. I love the proudness in his eyes at locking his blocks together or hitting the golf ball with his club (Daddy's doing!) I love the sing-songy way he says "no-no-no-no-no" or "uh-oh" when something falls on the floor. I love that even though he knows many animal sounds, he insists they all say "moo" when he actually sees one in real life. I love that he can eat as many sliders as I can and that he has Arsenio Hall's "hoo, hoo, hoo" perfected - arm and all.

I'll leave you with a few impromptu pictures after Ty's first barber shop haircut, this weekend. It instantly took him from baby to boy...

Love this kid.