Monday, October 4, 2010

Answering Comments

Looks like this is becoming our set time together. I like it. I look forward to it. It's Sunday homework finished, the house clean, laundry done, one little boy sleeping, one big boy watching football...quiet time for me.

I wanted to address a few comments in my last post, some I allowed; one I did not.

I had two anonymous comments that were very much in the same vein. The first said... I think the constant contact might be good for Ty but not for the two of you. Maybe you should just update her once a year or so... and the second...If the adoption was closed then maybe you would not have all these feelings and feel like you are upsetting Rebekah. I think that open adoption must be too much for you.

I allowed both comments because although I find them self-protecting, I don't think they were written in meanness.  It wasn't all that long ago that I was on the other side of adoption. Some of the words in my earlier posts make me cringe, knowing what I know now. For Ben and I, the door of adoption was one full of hope and eagerness. I, admittedly, spent more time thinking about the future of our family than about the woman who would be making that happen. It wasn't until we met Rebekah that reality hit, swiftly. Knowing that, allows me to lend grace, easily, to those not walking this path. Our culture has not been educated on adoption. In most realms it's still a hush-hush topic. I can say that, confidently, because most people get uncomfortable when I tell them Ty is adopted. I don't have rules about where and when I share that information, but it does come out naturally (and often) because it's so much apart of our family. 

Back to the above comments. If the relationship we had with Rebekah was rough and uncomfortable, even controlling, we would still pursue open adoption. Being a good mom is about doing what is best for your children - no matter how it makes you feel. Rebekah considered her feelings when contemplating adoption, but her preference for her children (all of them) trumped the breaking in her heart. Her example is one I strive for; I want to love Tyrus the way she does. To say contact might be good for Ty, but not for the two of you is contradictory of love. If it's good for Ty, it's good for us. Of course, keeping Rebekah at arms length would have been easier at times, but there is freedom in truth. When it's all laid out in the open - when no secrets or animosity exist - when love is the motivator, God can do anything. Just look at what he's done in our family. I'm allowed to think and feel and wonder. Everybody does. I just choose to expose my stirrings here, for all of you to read. I choose to do it because I know God is using me to help change the face of open adoption.

I would also like to say that I agree with Ms. Anonymous. Open adoption is too much for me. Any love you see portrayed or displayed in my life is from one source alone...and nothing is too difficult for him.

Anonymous commenter #3 did not get her words posted because they were mean and malicious and received nothing but a big eye roll from me. All I want to say is that abandoning mothers are mothers women that leave babies in dumpsters and let perverse boyfriends have free rein in there homes. Tyrus will never use those words in conjunction, when describing Rebekah. Enough said.

 The last response is to a question that Love You Already posted. She talked about having a strong bond with her daughter's birth mother in the beginning, but then life took over and their family solidified. She wrote...It's only been within the last few days that I've started to face the same reality you write about. It's not an easy truth to accept...I try to have the same, open heart...but I am hurting. Do you hurt too?

Such an honest question and one I'm happy to answer. When it comes to Ty's adoption, my relationship with Rebekah, and my security as his mother, there are no hang-ups. No hurts. I never wonder about why I couldn't carry him or why it had to be this way. It took us a long time to process our infertility and allow God to fully heal our hearts, but once we were able to see clearly, we knew that God had us on this road for a reason. There aren't many families doing what we are doing...and he needs us, especially in the foster adoption arena.

That being said...I hurt. Most days my heart is in a state of rest, but there are triggers that threaten to take me back to dark places and they're unpredictable. Sometimes a friend getting pregnant with #2 or #3 is no big deal and sometimes it's a crushing blow. Sometimes I can be in a room of mothers swapping pregnancy stories and sometimes it makes me want to run. Sometimes I can pack Ty's items away in anticipation on what's to come and sometimes I weep over the loss I feel, not knowing if I'll see them again.

There are other things that always sting - women talking about "trying" (as if it's no big thing), teen pregnancy, rough home lives, ungrateful parents, etc. I hope that one day this part of my heart will turn off. I hope that our family is so large that infertility is a near-forgotten past, but for now, it remains a constant thorn. I'm reminded every month at what my body should be able to do and can't.

Most days I'm pretty good at taking thoughts captive, remembering God wrote my future, and enjoying life as it is. Don't ever beat yourself up for feeling sad or uncertain. It's life. Just keep pressing on and know that new days will always come.


  1. You are so right. Anything that is best for your son is best for you as well. That is why you are such a wonderful mother.

    I'm sorry that you received a malicious comment. I received one of those on my blogs last week, and I'm convinced that there are people out there who just prey on blogs of happy adoptive mamas, such as ourselves. It's sick. :(

    I also know what you mean about infertility bothering you even though your heart is mostly at rest. After not being able to get pregnant for almost 2 years, the thing that bothers me most is ungrateful parents. I will never take for granted the gift of motherhood. And I have no doubt that you won't either. :)

  2. Rebekah you are so beautiful and classy!

  3. Yes one thing that bothers me more than anything in this world is how children are mistreated, abused, and unfortunately not loved. Why do people do that and why are they allowed to have children. Its heartbreaking. I am glad that adoption is available and there are still good people in this world like you guys. If you are not able to care for your child and give them what they need why not let someone that is loving do that for them.

  4. Once again....a great post! I love how our Father's love flows out in your posts.

  5. Thanks for the response, Rebekah. I sometimes experience the same thorn of IF but can take comfort in knowing I'm not alone. On the adoption front, I think the hardest part is anticipating our first visit. I hope it goes as well as yours did.

  6. I completely understand what you mean about infertility and its affects on you and how you feel now. I still have a hard time with hearing stories about pregnancies. I may even write a post about it since it relates to a conversation at work. I think some of the pain still needs to heal - it definitely hurts less than it did a year or two ago, but it's still there.

    Thanks for the post.

  7. I also feel the "hush hushness" of adoption in our society. My husband's grandmother actually said some very hurtful things when she found out Jax was adopted, and I just thanked God Jackson couldn't understand her words yet. People get so uncomfortable. I am still figuring out how to handle that. And let's not even talk about how they get when I share that we have an OPEN adoption (usually because they ask). We've already visited Jackson's first parents once, and he is only 6 weeks old. It is hard, it is messy. But, it is best for Jackson. And that means it is what we will always do, for him. And I bet we also learn and grow from it too. Just because things are hard and messy doesn't mean they aren't also beautiful and opportunities for love. Anyway, thanks for writing, as usual.

  8. Good for you for remaining confidant in the face of naysayers. You and Ben, and ONLY you and Ben, can decide what is best for all of you. And what you are doing is out of love *first and foremost* for Ty, and secondly for the rest of you 3 as parents. I am an adult adoptee (of a closed adoption) and only WISH that my situation was handled with the maturity and with as much of the Spirit as I see you all doing. My husband and I plan to adopt to finish our family, and I've really been enjoying reading about your experience. God bless!

  9. Thank you for your honesty and being open with your feelings---even the 'ugly' ones. I feel exactly the same way that you do when it comes to pregnancy announcements, teen pregnancy, etc. Sometimes it's fine, and other times it is a knife in my heart. Now that we are on the path to adoption I often wonder of "those" feelings go away or are just magically healed by adopting a child. It's sort of silly to think that we can just turn those things off though, isn't it? We feel what we feel, even if it isn't pretty. I sometimes struggle with the idea that somehow I got into the wrong line somewhere and missed the train to normal. Or, the train to being somewhere between where I am now and wherever that lady who has 19 children is.

    I'm glad that you brought up that "monthly reminder" of what your body can and cannot do. I often remind my husband of how devastating this can be, as a woman, to really never be able to "get over" the pain of infertility. Every time I think I'm just fine my hormones pull me right back in again.

    Thank you for your strength and honesty. It's truly a gift to me.

  10. Nice job answering tough questions.

  11. I can't believe you even have to face such question from people! It is really sad that people can be heartless like that. You did a great job handling all of that - which takes a lot of strength! God bless!

  12. Another beautiful post, Rebekah! I love your heart and I feel your pain. Thank you for being honest about your feelings! Yes, you're right. Open adoption may be "Too much for you" but NOTHING is "Too much" for God to handle. Like Emily I am glad that you brought up the "Monthly reminder." I'm sure it does cause you heart ache sometime. I struggle with this too, but for d different reason. For me it is a reminder that "MY biological clock is ticking- LOUDLY!" I will be 45 in les than 3 months. I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, but thanks to meds I am on for type 2 diabetes, the "monthly reminder" comes fairly regurly now and it causes me to remember the dreams I had in my younger days. I did not have any doubts that I'd bear children and that monthly process was a reminder that I was- at leasty in theory- capible of getting pregnant and providing my husband- who I have yet to meet- with as many sons and daughters as we chose. Now the monthly reminder is just a sad reminder of unfulfilled dreams. Any way- you and Ben are in my prayers! HUGS from Tracy

  13. Thanks for reminding your readers that birth moms who place their babies for adoption are not abandoning thier babies! I am greatful that I was placed for adotpion. I've had a great life. I love all of my family- adoptive and bioloigical and I have a feeling Ty will fell that way too. I'm glad that open adoption exists. I wish it was around in 1966, but it wasn't I feel that it is a very positive thing, even if it does cause some pain and struggle.
    Hugs from Tracy

  14. bless you, rebekah. as an adoptive mom of 3/5 of our children, i can speak from experience that it does get better. my older adopted kids are 30 and 28, and i have a 4 year old now (!) ...and i have a grandchild that was given up for adoption, in a very messy difficult open adoption. life is never easy when you choose this road, but it does get to the point where you just laugh the merry laugh of God and try to see things the way He does. We are all adopted...into His family, and its a very messy thing too! let joy fill your heart as you realize that your body is not a's a blessing and your arms are full!

  15. It seems that you have mentioned often the pain of not knowing (will I have another child/will I have a child) and the pain of not having control (even if I want another or first its not like I just get pregnant) -- thats the pain I too live with. I know after reading current blog posts that you have adopted LJ and issues there are a bit consuming energy wise; ...