Saying Goodbye

Saying goodbye to Rebekah was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to look at these pictures again...they represent such sadness...My tears started before we ever arrived. We were leaving to go home. I didn't know it was possible for your heart to sing its loudest and weep its hardest at the same time. Some refer to these moments as bittersweet, but I can't. It doesn't fit.

I sent a quick text to Rebekah that we were on our way over. Every mile closer made me cry a little harder. How in the world do you say goodbye to such a woman? I’ve received great gifts before…but not like this. This woman gave me life. And I mean that in every form. Not only did she give me her child…but she wrote my next chapter. Our life had been a stand-still, time warp for five years. Her gift…the greatest gift (second only to Christ)…filled my heart with life.

How do you thank someone for that?

Her door flung open, I grabbed her…and we cried. Ben immediately took Ty out of his seat and handed him to his first mother. She rocked him and held him close. I choked back sobs. I watched another woman caress my son and drink in every part…the same way I do…from his button nose to his chubby toes.
Except it isn’t just another woman. It’s the woman. It’s a strange dynamic. Unless you've stood in these shoes, there's no way to express the difficulty...Seeing Rebekah nestle him close, the water in her eyes, the bleeding of her heart…there was no denying her as his mother. Yet, I too, only after three short weeks, am his mother…and feel like his mother.
You can only imagine the goodbye emotions of two mothers…over one son. Our love for him the very same. It was so hard.

We both put on big girl faces. Our goodbye was brief. Our tears real - but limited. I know she was holding back…because I was too. If I had opened the floodgates of my heart, I wouldn’t have been able to leave.

We shared lingering hugs. All I could say was, “There aren’t enough words to thank you.” She nodded her understanding, behind a veil of tears. I promised her that we would give Ty our all…and thank her with his life.

And we were on our way.

Wha-Hoo!!!!

We're going home!!!!!!!!! We're leaving right now. I'll update you on the tearful goodbye, later. We're hoping to make it to Topeka by nightfall....We'll see how 'lil guy does.

Always an adventure!

We're Still Here...

It was a frustrating day...

12:00pm (2:00pm MI time) I call our agency, here, to see if there's any word on when we can leave. I leave a message.

1:00pm (3:00pm MI time) Lo and behold, Michigan ICPC called them this morning and said there was some confusion with our finalization. Because we want to finalize in Michigan, they have to administer a certificate of approval...and to do that they needed confirmation of finalization from our Michigan agency...

Agency here was confused as to why they needed to do the certificate thing, because they've never dealt with that before...but Michigan ICPC said they had contacted our agency and it would only take a few more days...

For good measure, I call our Michigan agency to see if ICPC had, in fact, called them...and they hadn't. We left a message for their legal rep to call us back so we could figure out what the heck was going on...

In the mean time, we track down a phone number for Michigan ICPC and leave them a message ourselves...

An hour later (We were counting every minute), our phone call was returned and Michigan agency said they weren't supposed to be doing the finalization - the agency, here, was taking care of that and we shouldn't have to be doing all this back and forth work...it's the job of our current agency...

Ben gets involved. He calls our current agency back and tells them the above information....to which they reply, "We aren't responsible for doing the finalization - your Michigan agency is doing that."

ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME????

We're beyond frustrated at this point, especially since the work day is all but over in Michigan...We know it's not Michigan's fault...all blame lies with our current delinquent agency. They are the largest, here...I can't imagine how they ever achieved that status!

Ben, very pointedly, but politely (we need friends at this point...not enemies) asked them to do their job and stop pawning their responsabilities off on us. He calmly explained that we just want to go home and want them to do whatever's necessary to make that happen.

HELLO. DIDN'T WE PAY THEM ENOUGH MONEY TO WORK THIS ALL OUT WEEKS AGO???

Current agency calls us back very quickly (Ben's pressure must have worked!) and explains that if we're willing to do our finalization, here (and it can be done over the phone) then Michigan ICPC can process the paperwork quickly. Possibly even "today" in the words of the secretary.

YES. FINE. ANYTHING. JUST GET US HOME!

3:00pm (5:00pm MI time) - no call from the agency.

Michigan ICPC never returned our phone call.

HUGE SIGH.

We wait until 4:30pm (here) to call back...hoping maybe it could still happen. No information is given, beyond hope, that maybe we'll get the call tomorrow morning...

We literally stood by the phone all day, packed up the cottage, and gave Rebekah a heads-up...how frustrating. What really gets me is that once I had time to digest the whole situation I distinctly remember talking to our caseworker in Michigan who gave me all of our options for finalization. I remember settling on finalizing here...and we were told then that it could all be done over the phone. How in the world did our agency, here, screw that up? Once we were matched with Rebekah we pulled out of our Michigan agency - they are only responsible for our post placements and the final court hearing ("finalization" refers only to the paperwork that needs to be filed). Our agency here has done EVERYTHING else. All the paperwork. Don't you think it falls under their responsability to make sure everything is worked out???

I can't tell you how many times they asked me to call our Michigan agency for information...shouldn't that have been their job?

Unbelievable.

I can only imagine how long we would have been stuck here if we didn't call today...

Sorry for the "vent" post. This whole process sucks.

Hopefully, we DO get the call tomorrow morning and can head home. In the mean time, I didn't let the mess ruin my day. I still am the mother of the cutest kid on the planet and we had lots of cuddle time, today, as we waited at the cottage.

He continues to change everyday and his little expressions crack me right up! As much as I long for home, I'd stay here forever if that's what needed to happen, for me to continue being his mom.

My heart is so full, it hurts with love for him.

The Adventures of Baby Ty

Ty had a very BIG day, today! He turned two weeks old, his cord fell off this morning (which by the way left a very nasty goo behind - gross!) and he got his first real bath...which he hated! He cried through most of it, but his mama was happy knowing that he was squeaky clean.

As if that wasn't enough excitement, Ty drug us through miles of mountains to tour a dinosaur museum...the views on the way were well worth the drive and my boys seemed to enjoy themselves amidst the dino bones!

T-Rex

T-Ben

Tricera-Ty

On the way home from the museum, Ty begged to climb up the falls. We told him it wasn't the place for a newborn, but he insisted!

There were some crude stairs carved out of rock, but we were quite the spectacle...me in flip-flops - Ben in sandals - with a carseat in tow!! Not exactly the picture of professional hikers.

Ty enjoyed every minute of it and particularly enjoyed the sound of rushing water.

He later thanked us for bucking the system and showing him a good time!

We love our little family and are thoroughly enjoying our first family vacation. As fun as it has been...we are really (can I stress REALLY) ready to come home. You don't realize how much you love/miss/depend on your friends and family, until you're away from them for days on end.

Please Pray.

We are literally just waiting for a phone call from Michigan Interstate telling us that we can come home. If we don't receive the phone call by tomorrow night, Ben may have to leave me. He has to be back for work on Monday morning...and we have a 3 days journey ahead of us. Not only do I not want to be left alone, we don't want to have to pay for him to fly home and then back (when it's time for me and Ty to come home). Ben is going to call his boss tomorrow to see if he has any options on taking more time...unfortunately it would probably be unpaid...and that doesn't really work either.

We're trying not to stress about it and just enjoy the days we have here...but it's scary when more money is on the line....as if we haven't shelled out enough!

We'll let you know as soon as we hear anything. Hopefully, tomorrow will be the day!

It all Comes Full Circle

We met up with Rebekah, this morning, to take Ty to his first church service. I was so excited to give Rebekah the gift that my BFF (Meeghan) made for her. It was a little quilt with all of Ty's birth stats on it. I knew it would be a very special keepsake for Rebekah. I also gave her the little outfit we brought Ty "home" in. I know I'm supposed to treasure it forever...but given the situation, I found Rebekah more deserving.

I'm not sure I can describe what my heart felt this morning, walking into church for the first time, as a family of three.We walked in a few minutes late, as we met family and friends in the foyer, and then had to wait for Ben to rush to the bathroom with Ty...an explosion ensued.

When we settled into our seats and my heart faced forward, I was consumed with emotion. How does a simple girl thank a big God for such a monumental blessing?

Rewind....A couple a months ago I sat in the same church next to the same amazing woman, watching the most incredible Easter production I'd ever seen. I remember stifling sobs as I watched the pinnacle of Christ reenact before me and thinking the woman next to me housed the miracle of my life. It was too much to take in.

Today, the scene played a little differently. I was still sitting next to the same amazing woman...but this time...she was holding my son. It's been two weeks and I've yet to process the magnitude of what has happened. This was my first encounter with God. Sure, I've thrown up hundreds of praises and thank yous, but it's different when you're standing in worship...face to face with the God of the universe. Worship drips intimacy and I wasn't fully prepared to go there, yet. Not for a lack of thankfulness...rather, it's the explosion of emotion that will occur when the Hearer of my cry, meets my emotional surrender.

Once again, I held back the tears that welled within the deepest parts of my soul. It was all I could do to stand...and not grovel at the throne of God, incessantly kissing it with worship. That time will come...but this wasn't the place. Instead, I opened a mere window of my heart, and stood in silence...thanking my Father for his abounding goodness.

Then I heard, "Savior...He can move the mountains...My God is mighty to save...He is mighty to save...." and the tears poured over my cheeks like hot oil. I held them at bay the best I could, but I had a full circle moment.

We sing the same song at our home church. Can I tell you how many times I sang that song with tears streaming down my face? Pleading...Begging God to move the monstrous mountain of infertility in my life? I would sing loud and clear, full of faith, commanding for that mountain to be removed...At times I would sob through the lyrics and remind God that he was supposed to remove such mountains...and other Sundays I would merely sit and let my heart weep in silence.

Today...OH, TODAY...I could barely form the words with my lips. MY GOD IS MIGHTY TO SAVE. He DID rescue me. He DID remove my mountain. He did it in his timing, in his way...BUT HE DID IT.

The monster of barrenness no longer overshadows the foothills in which I live. My Father has removed it from my view and not only does sunlight pour through every window...but the path to my future is clearer as I can see the expanse of his plan.

Not only can my Savior move the mountain, he did.

Amazing.

Random Thoughts from a New Adoptive Mom

I don't know how all you moms get inventive newborn shots...Mine wasn't taken with my creativity...I did manage to get 1 semi-cute one:
Surprises
I often heard birthing mothers say, "The moment you see that sweet face, you forget. You forget the pain and are consumed with overwhelming love..." It's absolutely true. When I look at Ty, every painful year and aching tear is erased...as if it never existed.

Motherhood is easier than I dreamed it to be. One day we weren't a family and the next day we were. It was normal and right...I can't explain it beyond that...

Contrary to all expectations, I am one laid back mom. It's been the biggest surprise of motherhood, so far, due to the freak that exists in most parts of my life -organizational, clean, perfection, etc. The paci falls in the dirt, I rub it off and shove it back in...I don't see the need for sterilization and I'm not particular on who holds him or touches his face. I maintain an "it's all good" attitude most of the time. Maybe it's because I've been a mama in my heart for so long...

Changes
The lack of sleep has definitely been the biggest adjustment. I'm fairing much better than my Ben. I don't like getting up every 4-5 hours (we take shifts), but once I'm up I love every moment. Ty's wild-haired head cradles into the nook of my neck and makes time stand still.

I once prided myself in personal grooming disciplines, which have now been all but obliterated. The pony is my new best friend and I can't live without anit-frizz oil...it's the perfect shower replacement.

Everything takes longer. Eating, getting ready, walking out the door, blogging...Inevitably taking care of Ty takes over!

Frustrations
It's as if no one has ever adopted before. Seriously. We've run into a lot of hassle from checking out of the hospital, blood work at the health department, insurance confusion, picking up a prescription, etc.

We have yet to receive any paperwork from the agency, proving our custodianship, making these issues worse.

Disappointments
There's only been one disappointment...it's really difficult to go through the most exciting, emotional time of your life not surrounded by friends and family.

Many have asked...we have to stay here until Michigan's interstate adoption council approves us to come home. It could be two days or two months...no way to know. The average wait time is one week from termination (which would be this coming, Tuesday). We're praying for the call early next week.

Joys
Baby Ty. Need I say more? We are living every moment...Here are some of my favorites:

Pediatrician said, "He's adopted? He looks just like you!"

Me to Ben: Honey, I'm holding a baby in my arms...our baby... [tears]

Ben to Ty: "Dude, we can get through this..." while getting him dressed (Ty's not a big fan)

I love family cuddle time - oh, let's say - around 6am every morning...I love the little hand that curls around my shoulder when it's burp time...I love feeling his heartbeat on my chest and the rythm of his breathing on my cheek...I love kissing his lips when he starts to wail...and touching his face as he sleeps...

My all time favorite [new] joy comes when I'm holding baby and I start talking...He immediately finds my eyes and holds the stare until he falls asleep. It's as if his little heart is saying...Thank you. Thank you for waiting...for enduring all the pain...all the heartache...all the drugs and shots...all the empty answers...all the barren years...for enduring the endless supply of surrounding pregos...for holding other babies, but praying for me...for pushing through the darkness...for opening your heart...for driving 23 hours (18 in one night) to come for me...for loving my first mom more than yourself...for never giving up.

Thank you for never giving up...

If you are a waiting, adopting mom...Never never never give up [W. Churchill]. One day, your newborn, too, will thank you with his eyes. And you will never be the same.

Our sweet cottage! It's basic, but perfect for our new family...especially at $35.00 per night!

We had another fun day. We walked around a small mountain town and looked in all the shops, had lunch, and soaked in the scenery. For having to be out-of-state for days on end, we sure got the best end of the deal. There is so much to do and the scenery is breathtaking...I've never been in a more beautiful place.I tried out my sling for the first time and LOVED it. It feels so good to have baby Ty close to my heart. He slept the whole time!

Baby Ty didn't know the adventure he signed up for, picking us as parents! We'll have you know we stopped short of climbing the cave walls and kept our feet on the ground...for the most part.We are seriously having so much fun!!

Tyrus is officially our son. Nothing has ever felt more wonderful. We've been trying to get together with Rebekah as much as possible, while we're here. I hope it's helping ease the pain. She sent me a sweet note on Father's Day that I've re-read at least 10 times. It speaks so much of her heart...I want to share a piece of it with you:

I had such a great time with you, today. I just love you both so much. I also wanted to tell you that I am so glad you are Ty's parents. You are wonderful with him. I love the way you look at him, and how you kiss him and how protective you both are over him. You really are naturals. Thank you for loving my boy. I love you for it.

God is so good. Never in my best dreams could I ever have put this all together. Tonight...my heart overflows with gratitude.