Day 216

I survived the holiday. A few days off from work, time with close friends, and the world's cutest turkey cookies (made by mua) have me back to walking the upside of this valley.

We sang a David Crowder song in worship, today, that I love. The title is Everything Glorious and my favorite lines read:

My eyes are small but they have seen
the beauty of enormous things
Which leads me to believe
there's light enough to see that

(chorus)
You make everything glorious
You make everything glorious
You make everything glorious
And I am Yours
What does that make me?

My heart may play in the depths of the shadows, but that does not mean I have not seen the enormity of what God is doing in and through Ben and me. Simplicity will never be found in the definition of adoption...but then again, neither will insignificance. I have seen the beauty of enormous things because our God is an enormous God! [don't you love that word?] Enormous: exceeding the norm, outrageous, huge, monstrous.

Our baby's legacy will be all of these things. This process exceeds the norm in every way and I believe the life of our child will too. As I sang the chorus "You make everything glorious..." my Spirit man shouted, "Yes, Lord! You do make everything glorious! Thank you for redeeming my situation and giving me hope. Thank you for taking a miserable motherless existence and bringing it glory." I worship him [even from the depths of emptiness] because I love him and trust him. Someday, in his timing, my heart's cry will be answered. Until then, I'll do my best to keep pushing through. I am so thankful that in my faithlessness, he remains faithful...

Day 212

I'm taking a break from being thankful [smile]. Today's post is supposed to be "friends" and tomorrow's "Ben"....but it's hard to write inspiring words with a heavy heart. I thought I would be able to sneak through the holidays in one piece. It's so busy and fun and wonderful. I LOVE Christmas and everything that goes with it. I was so sure I would breeze through upbeat and cheerful and was mostly concerned about what I would feel like on January 1st. But I didn't escape. It's the day before Thanksgiving and my heart is so sad, my arms so empty, it's hard to be thrilled about doing any of my favorite things....I just want a baby. Lord, is that too much to ask? Lord????

It's really difficult to watch everyone else move on. Blog friends, real friends, strangers in the grocery store. Everyone else is making Christmas memories, starting traditions, continuing old ones. Me and Ben? Sitting at the same dinner table, eating the same dinners, having the same conversations. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband more than life. I love our friendship and camaraderie. I love all the time we've been able to spend melding our hearts and laughing. I love that we can take four hour naps on the weekends without having to think about anyone else but each other. But none of those things fill the empty hole in my heart...the arms that are always holding someone else's baby.

Are we doing the right thing? Did we pick the right agency? Should we forgo the dream of a newborn and adopt a toddler first? Do we need to be more open? Should we have less restrictions? Do I need to change our profile pictures? Do I need to change our profile? These questions run through my head every single day. I know the waiting anxiety is normal and my questions are not the first to be asked, but again that doesn't help me make it through the day. Call it foolish or naive, but I was so sure we would get chosen right away. I never imagined getting to the end of the year without a baby and now the faster it comes the harder I cry. Can I really make it through a 5th January, hoping the next year will be the year?

I completely understand why grief-stricken women steal babies from hospitals. The pain is simply too unbearable.


[Note: I'm signing off to make cookies...not to participate in illegal activities]

Day 211

I am so thankful today, for our families. They have molded and shaped us into the people Ben and I are. The older we get the more similarities we see. They have been the truest role models of our lives and we hope to reflect the same likeness to our little one, someday.

Our roots, our hearts, our families

My family...

...and Ben's

Day 210

Check out this video: My King, Do You Know Him?



Today, I'm thankful for my King. He is my life, my Savior, my friend...my hope, my God, my love. Yesterday, in worship, his grace hit me like a flood. No matter where I've been or what I've done he remains faithful. His power is explosive, his love consuming. I know this video clip is a little long (almost 4 minutes) but I love it. That's my King! Do you know him?

Day 207

Have you ever been so anxious that you thought your heart would literally explode from your chest? This is only my second time. Once, when we first married I rushed to the doctor's for fear I was having a heart attack. Turns out it was all stress-related [I don't even remember the cause]. And once today.

I woke up this morning with lungs so pierced I thought I was getting sick. My heart started racing as soon as I sat down at work and I knew. I was so anxious I could hardly breathe. I didn't want to feel that way, but I couldn't help it.

There are so many things going on in my life right now I don't even know how to summarize the anxiety. For once, it has nothing to do with the baby and everything to do with reeling responsibilities that I just can't get a hold of. Anxiety has me gripped, but after a timeout with Ben my nerves calmed and we found solace in an old friend...SCRABBLE.


And since we are highlighting things I am thankful for this month, I am thankful for such a simple wooden game that brings me such contentment...especially when I win [In case you're keeping score, tonight was the 3rd win in a row!]

It was a great way to spend a cold, snowy night with my Ben...Now if I can just bet a hold on the racing heart, I'll be all set!

Day 204

Today, I'm thankful for bloggy world. For months I felt so isolated and alone. Nobody knew the depths of my heartache (not even Ben). It wasn't until I stumbled upon blog world - around April of this year - that my infertility healing process was able to ignite. I had no idea there was a community of women (and men...Dave...) out there just like me. It has done wonders to my heart to read my story within the lines of all of yours. There are way too many of you to name individually....but know that you hold such a special place in my heart. I wouldn't be where I am today without you.

Day 203

At long last some shower pictures! Today, I'm thankful for all of the friends and family that showered us with love a couple weeks ago. Rachael and Laura and Meeghan put so much work into it, everything was beautiful! Those that came will never know how much their support meant. It's so hard to feel like an expecting mom when there are no physical signs. My body's not preparing and my mind can't comprehend it. Nothing about this process seems real. To have so many people there lavishing their love on a baby that may or may not even be in the works, overwhelmed my heart. The gifts...and hugs...and tears took me right to expectant and for the first time I truly felt like a mom-to-be.

So many took our nursery theme to heart and coordinated their gifts accordingly! I LOVE opening beautiful gifts. Presentation is almost as good as what's inside! I love all the black, white, and lime - it's truly neutral done well!

I have the best husband. Really. He never questioned coming to the shower, even though most hubbys stay home or show up at the end. We are in this together; he is the only person in the world that knows where my heart has been. When it comes to all things baby; I'll never stand alone. (How thankful I am for this life lesson!)

The presents just kept coming!!

And two cow cakes!! How cute are they???

One of my spiritual moms, Kim, and Jen's little Austin. I finally got to see him in person!!

My littlest sister Gabrielle and her BFF, Jenna...

Carly, Linds, and Kristen (the best game night pals you could ever ask for!!)

My Besties!

Phyl, Teri, and Becky (How cool is it that one of my bloggy friends-Becky-just showed up? She wins major points on the blog friend scoreboard!!)

Aren't the favors adorable??? Laura made the sweet little bags (there were blue ones too!) that had the most precious homemade lifesaver pacifiers in them! Somehow they escaped a picture, but they were too cute! My mom and sister, Rachael, made the posh baby cookies!

Mi Familia. Gabrielle (youngest), Me (oldest), Rachael, Mom (even though she looks like an older sister!), and Andrew (the only man amidst the estrogen)!

Diaper cakes were the table centerpieces!

My mama! Not only did she give me her stunning good looks [smile] but she inspires me everyday. You will never meet someone more independent, confident, driven or motivated.

Ben and I are so blessed! My heart overflows with thankfulness.