Day 387

Ever since Ben took me to be his wife, there have been splices of time where he'll intently stare into my eyes and then casually say, "I just had a moment." I usually give him a teasing "your-so-cheesy" kind of look, while inside, my heart does flip-flops. I require no explanation for his words...but I'll give one so you can grasp his sweetness.

We have moments in life, almost out-of-body, where our breath is taken away by the goodness of God and the anticipation of life. The fist time Ben had one of these "episodes" he explained that he couldn't believe where he was standing at that very moment...the woman that was by his side...the fullness in his heart...the graciousness of his Father. It was more than he ever could have imagined or planned for his life.

Ben is definitely a stop-and-smell-the-roses kind of boy. I wish I was more like him.

I'm a speed-through-life-always-doing-ten-things-at-once kind of girl. I'm working on it. My "moments" are few and far between, but I had one tonight.

My "before baby list," of things to do, shrinks with each passing day. Tonight's task landed us at the Laundromat. I wanted to wash our down comforters and all the rugs in the house. Usually, I test the washer at home by cramming and shoving them in...but they never really clean (or dry) the way I'd like. So...off to the laundromat we went. I say we because it never crossed Ben's mind that I would go alone. "It's our house," he said, plainly, (as if every man would respond the same), when I thanked him for being there.

Always a team, we scrutinzed a solution to get the mammoth machines in front of us working (neither of us had ever been in a facility of this kind before). It took longer than it should have, but within a few minutes...okay several minutes...we had both puppies up and running.

[Sidebar: Do you know how huge those washers and dryers are? We are seriously doing this every few months. So much easier.]

With the hum of the wash in our ears, we sat out in the cool night and just were. We talked a little. Mostly sat. We weren't having deep philosophical conversation or even sharing about our days. We were simply together. And that's when I had my moment.

For two years straight [no exaggeration] I was a walking zombie. I was so numb from heartache I wasn't capable of feeling. As we opened the door to adoption there were definitely springs of life, along the way. I was in such a deep freeze, it took a long time for my heart to completely thaw...and heal...from the years of turmoil. Everything about this process has been slow. Answers. Waiting. Healing. Baby.

But, tonight...sitting on a small town park bench, outside a stuffy laundromat, next to the only person who knows the shades my heart has seen...I felt whole. Alive. We were two kids figuring out the world together. We weren't in a hurry...or searching for words to say. We just were.

I will never be able to fully explain the wash cycle we were thrown into, the past five years. But, I can say that I'm thankful. I am a changed woman. My husband is a changed man. Our marriage is stronger than it ever has been and my passion for the Lord fiercer than I knew possible. I don't look at life with a wamsy-pambsy attitude, anymore.

I have surety.

I have surety in who God is. Who he has made me to be. What he has called me to do. God is doing BIG things in our hearts and this coming baby boy is only the beginning. Isn't that exciting? For the past several years, my vision was so short-sighted, I couldn't see beyond getting pregnant or having a baby. The Father's hand has been tweaking and operating for several months now and I believe I saw distance for the first time, on Sunday. Don't get me wrong, I want that baby boy more than anything I've ever wanted before...but I can finally see life beyond him.

I am thankful for this pre-baby revolution and I am forever indebted to the Father for giving me such a gift in Ben. I can finally say with confidence: We are ready to bring our baby boy home.

Day 382: Part 2

Big exhale....................Before I share more, you must see this cutie-patootie picture! While his mommies were freaking out (daddy stayed calm the whole time....thank God for daddies...), baby boy was singing his little heart out (At least that's what it looks like he's doing!)

I could stare at this picture all day...It's so stink'n cute! But I know you want an update. It has been a whirlwind of a day. I received one frantic call from the caseworker at 1:30pm, just as I bit into my oh-so-yummy ham and swiss on asiago focaccia (Panera). I immediately went into panic mode and was completely paralyzed. The phone conversation went something like, "Rebekah just went to the hospital she's having heart issues. Don't freak out [yeah-right-lady-you-aren't-the-one-that-hasn't-started-packing-yet-or-settled-things-and-lives-22-hours-away.] If she has to deliver, the baby is far enough a long; he's very strong and healthy, we'll call you when we know more."

I wasn't prepared for that phone call! I had no idea what to do. Part of me wanted to rush home and throw everything together, while the other part said you better get back to work and get everything settled in case you aren't able to come back. (I opted for the latter, until I heard more definitive details).

I didn't get to talk to Rebekah until about 5:15pm! She has a history of heart flutters/palpitations that seem to be worsening with pregnancy (it also runs in the family). The poor thing just can't catch a break! If it's not her blood pressure or amniotic sac levels, it's her heart!

Thankfully, they did not admit her. They are monitoring her through the weekend and we'll know more on Monday.

Something in me rose up today and I felt absolutely helpless. It really wasn't about the baby. That little boy has God written all over him. I know he'll be taken care of. It was this urgency to run to Rebekah and be by her side. I just wanted to hold her hand. I hated that she was alone; that I couldn't be there. She has endured SO much....and all for me. My eyes swell everytime I try to comprehend it. I just want to be there for her.

I appreciate all of your prayers and ask that you continue to lift Rebekah up to the Lord. Pray peace and rest in her spirit...that God would ease the aches and pains in her body and quiet the children...healing for her heart, breaking any gneration curses that have attached...and that the next few weeks would be uneventful.

I am so thankful that we didn't have to jump in the car, tonight. I know it all would have worked out and things would have been fine...but now I can rest easy...for a few days, anyway! I am, however, taking this as a warning...we'll be completely packed and ready to go by the end of the weekend!!! :)

Day 382

Please pray. Both Rebekahs are freaking out.

Rebekah told me the other day that she was having heart palpitations; she was going to ask the doctor about them, today, when she went in for her appointment.

The doctor sent her right to the hospital (where she is now).

I talked to our caseworker but she had limited information. She said she'd call me as soon as they knew more. I asked if they would take the baby, today, and she wasn't sure.

I had a mini melt down at Panera (on my lunch hour...when I got the call), but Ben helped me take a deep breath.

I'm at work getting everything in order in case we need to jump in the car, tonight. Please keep Rebekah in your prayers. She has so much on her plate...I know how hard it is for her to rest easy. This news doesn't help.

Day 381

Here's the latest picture of sweet baby boy. The older he gets the harder it is to actually see him in there. Poor thing is all scrunched up. If you can make it out (I know it's difficult) his foot is up near his head! That doesn't seem very comfortable...


I'm pretty much jumping out of my skin, I'm so excited! I can't believe it's only a few weeks away. God is so good. Day by day, month by month he has been meeting all of our needs, especially the monetary ones, through various sources (including all of you!). One of the items on my list and areas of concern, was our out-of-state housing. I've been investigating it for months. We're pretty simple people, and only had the following list of demands: furnished, wireless internet, laundry facilities, and a full functioning kitchen. The cheapest condos I found were between $1500 and $1800 for the month and only two were willing to rent on a weekly basis, for $500/week! The cheapest hotel I found that had a kitchen was about $450 for the week (not including taxes). The search was exhausting. I decided I'd wait until we arrived and figured I'd have a little more negotiating power if the condos weren't booked.

Several weeks ago I posted an ad on craigslist under the "housing needed" category and had an overwhelming response. After the above results, I forgot about the ad and scratched housing off my to-do list. It was just something we were going to have to worry about once there.

This week, I received a note from a sweet couple telling us that they had a small cottage on the back of their property available for rent. $250.00 per week. I was all ears. The cottage has it's own access and garage and is mostly used for their friends and family when they come into town (it's a tourist attractive city). It's an adorable little cedar clad cottage with one bedroom and one bathroom. A full kitchen with all the essentials, cute little living room with a pull out queen couch (for anyone that might come stay), internet and cable included. When I told the couple our story and that we'd need to stay 2-3 weeks, they lowered the price to $200 per week! (For the leery type, I asked for all sorts of pictures....it's adorable!) The couple has family leaving the last week of May and they're going to hold off renting it for June and July so that it will be available for us as long as we need it. Amazing. The hospital, grocery store, and restaurants are all within a few miles. It's perfect.

The story gets better. I get a random check in the mail from our city for $1,200.00. We overpaid on our property taxes last year and they reimbursed us! This should cover most of our trip.

GOD IS SO GOOD.

The only payments we have left are post placement and finalization fees (about $3,500). I've seen God's mighty hand so clearly. I'm trusting him for the rest!



P.S. I had many people ask for My/Holly's packing list. I'm happy to email it to you if you leave your email in the comments or email me directly!

Day 379

I'm sorry I've been a little scarce around here, I'm trying to get everything ready for our precious baby boy! 45 days, today. Can you believe it? Given Rebekah's pre-eclampsia and low amniotic fluid levels, I'm freaked out that I'm going to get the call that she's headed to the hospital, and we're not ready!

Only one way to remedy the situation...I spent the weekend getting baby boy packed (it was so much fun!!). My sweet, bloggy friend, Holly, sent me a detailed list of what she packed/used/didn't use/wished she had, for their interstate adoption (they, too, were out of state for a couple of weeks).

I treated that list as gold! There were so many items on it that I would have never thought of and some that I had to Google....because I had never heard of them before! I realized just how out of my element I was, when I had no idea what should be packed in the diaper bag for the hospital...Holy Cow I'm going to be a Mom and I don't even know what my baby needs...However, after some quick research and a few phone calls, I feel a little more confident [dare I use that word?].

I'm going to start on Ben's and my stuff, this week. I figure I'll just buy brand new toiletry items so those can be ready to go and then I'll make a list of everything else. I don't know if you're like me, but when I'm rushed, I always forget important items...and believe me, I'll be in big time freak out mode when we get that call! (You'll be glad to know that "Update the Blog" is on the to-do list, before we jump in the car!)

Everything is really coming together! We bought our cross-country map, have directions printed, the hospital and nearest hotel (if needed) mapped out. I also found us a small cottage to rent once we bring baby "home" from the hospital. Our hospital call list is ready, pediatrician chosen, important contact information typed out, and birth announcement supplies purchased.

My plan all along has been to be packed and ready by June 1st. Any time after that day is reserved for date nights with Ben, long, indulgent naps, and fun with friends and family! So far the plan is working beautifully...baby boy just has to keep cooking for a few more weeks!

I, of course, can't close this post without mentioning Mother's Day. It was the first time in years that my heart didn't bleed from heartache...

A few of the highlights:

1. I talked to Rebekah's 11 year old daughter on the phone and she told me that she had send me a Mother's Day card and she wanted me to call her as soon as I opened it...I didn't end up getting it in time, but her thoughtfulness reduced me to tears.
2. Rebekah wished me a happy Mother's Day and sent me a note telling me that she was thinking about me...I choked back more tears and thanked her for making me a mom-to-be. I still can't believe she's doing this for me.
3. We took Ben's mom to a Mother's Day brunch and when the waitress brought her flowers to the table, his dad said, "We have another mom at the table, today..." A few minutes later I had flowers in hand (after, of course, explaining why I looked so good for being 8 months pregnant!).
4. A blog friend blessed us with $150 toward our adoption fund. This has been quite a week with a lot of surprises (not the good kind)...this generous gift was exactly what we needed, at exactly the right time.
   

I am indebted to the kindness of others; my heart is so full.

Day 374

Baby boy on the big screen!! No smile, today...this is definitely a grumpy face...Of course, I'd be grumpy too if outside influences were poking and prodding and putting pressure on my head!


Rebekah had her weekly doctor visit, today, how I wish I could be there! Baby is perfect. We're told he has a full head of hair that swished around during the ultrasound, his kidneys are perfect (thank you, Lord!), and he's weighing in at a whopping 4 lbs 10 oz!

The bad news is that Rebekah's fluid is really low...and they've put her on bed rest. I want to stand on my soapbox, clear my throat, and yell, "HELLO...This woman is a single mom with four kids!" Bed rest. Not an option. I feel terrible! I wish I could be there...I wish I could clean her house, take care of her kids, buy the groceries, and every other demand she might have...but what can I do 22 hours away? All I can do is get on my knees and ask the God of the universe to intervene.

I've been a basket of emotions this week. Fears and thrills and concerns race through my mind, intercepting each other's paths and putting my head into overdrive. I've been a mad woman about the house. My personality already leans toward psychopath, throw in the coming arrival of my biggest heart's desire and I become a complete nutjob.

I want everything perfect.

I mean, seriously, does baby boy care if all the lightswitch plates are taken off and bleached....or if the towels are perfectly aligned and color-coordinated in the linen closet....or if he has specific stroller blankets, bedroom blankets, and living rom blankets, so that he looks agreeable in every situation?

When the crazy finally wears down and I'm lying in bed, my heart dreams...I dream of every scenario; every situation. From reading bed time stories to jokingly pulling his lanky teenage body onto my lap and telling him he's still my baby...

This morning, in the shower, for the first time [the thought, not the shower] my mind filled with darkness. What if...what if something happens...what if I do not bring that baby boy home...

There are no words to describe the horror that flashed before my eyes. It was too much...I told the Lord I never wanted to see that angle again. Even as a forecast. I don't want to know.

I just want to keep thinking and praying for baby boy, right now. I want to keep planning...keep readying the house...keep loving him with everything I am.

Only 50 more days, today.

Day 372

I Wished For You: An Adoption Story
Marianne Richmond


More updates and pictures tomorrow, after Rebekah's doctor's appointment!