Friday, December 5, 2014

When God Asks for More

I absolutely hate city driving. The one way streets; the parking frenzy; finding meter change. I'm a country girl and I want to stay in the country.

Our agency is not in the country.

I rushed three blocks with baby girl in my arms, fighting the clock to make it on time. I rounded the corner and saw him through the large glass windows. He was pacing; my heart was racing. I heard my phone buzzing in my pocket. I just wanted to yell, I'M COMING!

There was no time for last minute jitters. As I waited to be buzzed in, I saw him staring at me through the door. I introduced myself. His response was polite, but his eyes were locked on Little Miss.

I knelt down to take her hat and mittens off. When I looked up his eyes were spilling with tears.

"It's so good to finally meet you..."

I thought he was talking to me until I saw his face light up when she started walking toward him.

I was invisible; the door closed.

As I walked toward the lobby, I ran into LJ's adoption worker. She hugged me tight and asked how I was holding up. All I could do was shake my head.  My eyes flooded and no words came out.

The hour went by rather, quickly.

The supervisor called out that their visit was done, so I went in to say goodbye. Little Miss, ran to me and gave me a big squeeze around the neck. I stood back up and looked her dad in the eyes.

"Did you guys have a nice visit?"

"Yes. Thank you. Really. Thank you for taking such good care of my daughter. She's so beautiful and happy. You are doing a great job."

I was taken aback by his demeanor. The man I witnessed in court was arrogant and nasty; the man before me was humble and kind.

"She is a firecracker. Did that come out in your visit, today?"

"Yah...I noticed that. She gets that from me."

We talked for several more minutes. When I picked Little Miss up she waved goodbye and lit up the room with her blown kisses (traitor).

 He touched my hand as we were leaving and, tenderly, thanked me for the third or fourth time, telling me how grateful he was for our family.

I smiled, genuinely, and squeezed back, "It's a privilege."

I managed to make it out of the city before the tears came. I choked them back so that I could call Ben. I wasn't angry that he showed up...I was angry over how much I cared.

Ben put the perfect words to my turmoil.

We should be experts at this by now. Someone is going to lose. Someone always loses. Before, this morning, I had every justification for why it shouldn't be us.

Then I met him.

And because God has given me His heart for His people, I cannot turn my back on Truth.

God loves this man more than I love his daughter and HE, alone, has given him a second chance at life. It would be anti-Christ for us to be anything but loving, encouraging, and supportive. What if Little Miss IS enough reason for him to stay clean and make life-altering changes? We cannot, with godly conscious, root for Dad to lose. Losing leads to further destruction of his life and others. We care, too much, to wish that for him.

It's our job to be pliable...sensitive to the Holy Spirit's whispering. Even if we take the loss in the end.

I sobbed on and off all day because loving this man is a sacrifice...and could end up costing my daughter. I know not who asked the question, but all day I kept hearing variations of "Will you do it?"

Without hesitation, my answer was always, "Yes."

Our hearts are shattered. We're not broken by defeat; we're broken over the call. Every time we start feeling comfortable, God moves the boundary line and asks for more. And it's always more than we want to give.

Today, I thought through the dozens of teenage times my nose was smashed to the alter asking God to ignite passion for people into my heart. Feeling such a burden, throughout the day, I got lippy and asked if it was too late to take it all back...but, He knows as well as I do, once you taste His goodness, there is no going back.

This case has so many layers; there's no way to know how it will end. Or the story God is unfolding. We could drive ourselves crazy (and have) considering all the possibilities.

All we can do is press DEEP into the Father and remember his great love for us.


  1. He does ask for more doesn't He. You are so brave! How wonderful it is that both you and Ben have the same heart for God. This journey you are on would be impossible if that were not the case. What a gift that is to you and anyone your life touches. What an amazing example you and Ben are! Thank you for sharing so openly.

  2. And THAT is the moment you become a foster parent. I remember when I did as well. You know how to parent, you have that down. You know how to adopt. You know how to have an open adoption. Now you will learn how to foster...but that doesn't always mean loss. It might just mean that you are going to adopt a little girl and foster a relationship between her and her bio dad. There is no way to know what is going to happen. I could offer you my guess, and it would be in your favor, but GOD is working. I hope in the end you all "win", because, in Christ, that IS possible.

  3. God is working and guiding your big heart. Best to you, Ben, lil miss & her bio dad.

  4. You speak truth and your humility is inspiring. Someone does always lose. But your willingness to be the loser if it saves this young mans soul is pure grace.

  5. Thank you for this post. I needed it.You don't know me but I have been following your family's story and am praying for you all. I know God will continue to guide and provide the grace for each step.

  6. You and your unwavering love of Christ is amazing! Little Miss is so blessed to have you in her life and regardless of this outcome you will always be connected to her. Prayers everyone wins, at least a little!

  7. You just amaze me!! I will continue to pray for all of you including Little Miss' Dad. They way to talk about him and our God makes it hard to dislike him.

  8. You are an amazing example and an inspiration. I'm sorry you are having to walk such a hard road but God is getting the glory. Praying for you.

  9. Praying for you. I'm inspired by your love and courage.

  10. thank you...hard stuff...praying in texas

  11. I know you won't understand this but this very part of who you are has brought me great comfort in some of my darkest times. Stay the course.

  12. So glad you got to meet the nice guy. Praying that the truth will come out on what is best for Little Miss. Praying for protection of her through it all.
    Now starts the fun part of fostering in getting to know the bio even though you want to hate everything about them God won't let you and His love will carry you through it all.

    This verse helped me through the hardest of times, thought of it as I read your post thought I'd share.

    Isaiah 41:10, 13 Fear not [there is nothing to fear], for I am with you; do not look around you in terror and be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen and harden you to difficulties, yes, I will help you; yes, I will hold you up and retain you with My [victorious] right hand of rightness and justice.
    For I the Lord your God hold your right hand; I am the Lord, Who says to you, Fear not; I will help you!

  13. You and Ben are truly God's instruments. Prayers and blessings to your whole family!

  14. No matter the outcome she sure does have a lot of people who love her. I cannot imagine your inner struggle throughout all of this. We are praying! For God's will to be done, not our own.

  15. I'm with MrsBees above - just reading your words enriches my life. As long as Little Miss wins you all win. You made a difference in that man's life today.

  16. So hard. But so much grace being in the middle of God's will. He will continue to be your portion.

  17. I love your heart. Our first placement was easy to not love the bios, the damage and hurt caused to those precious kiddos coupled with that being our first experience in the foster care world hardened my heart. Surprisingly so. Our second placement just went home and while I have doubts it will last very long it was easier to love them and pray for them and cheer for them. Someone will always lose in these situations, more often than not every person will lose something. I'm glad you've listened to God's isn't for everyone and you two are amazing.

  18. Your faith is inspiring. Thank you for sharing it and being so honest. I pray for little miss.....I pray she is always kept safe and loved beyond matter what.