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Conflicted. That's how I feel.
It's been a very strange two weeks.
We have had a lot of great moments with the kids where I have thought, "We really can do this!" But we're also drawing more and more out of Sweet Boy that ensures a long road ahead.
When I met their mom a couple of weeks ago, I had such genuine compassion in my heart for her. The day after our meeting, I was out with two girlfriends and I cried through the events of the day. I was so tore up with the weight of it all.
Then, of course, last Tuesday was horrendous. The protective mama in me was so angry that she didn't show up for the visit, I think I could have, physically, harmed her had she been within reach.
Then today. Tuesdays are the day I wait in the balance to see what my day will hold.
She didn't show up. Again.
I don't know why I can't believe it...but I can't.
As a mother, I don't understand. Showing up to see your kids is supposed to be the easy part. Her daughter is so little she changes, dramatically, with every week that passes. Does she care...but just not enough? Was she high? drunk? or just indifferent?
Sweet Boy is none the wiser and had a great day...but I couldn't stop stewing.
I'm not sure why I care so much.
It's better for all of us if she doesn't participate. It brings the end closer.
But, I do care.
I'm so bothered by it.
I think it's because I love her.
I want what's best for her.
Next week is probably her last shot. We have one more Tuesday before our pre-trial and suspending visits is on the list for petition (again). If she doesn't show up, next week, I don't think the judge will think twice about approving the request.
And that makes me sad. Really sad.
It's conflicting to feel such warmth for a woman who has/is wreaking havoc on her son - who is really my son - and his emotions. But, the connector in me wants to connect...to help make it right...to help make her whole.
It's too complicated to peel back the layers of what I'm feeling, so, for now, I'm leaving it all alone. Our case worker has been very honest with her about what to expect at termination and has encouraged her to spare the embarrassment and sign over her rights, voluntarily.
My heart has already broken...so I'm trying not to go there, yet.
Mom loses in both scenarios...and that makes the win hard to bear.
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
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I am not in your situation or the kids' bio mom's situation. I hear your hurt and your love for her and for the kids. I don't understand it. The hardest part is that we (ourselves) can not always "save" someone. We can throw them a lifeline and they can chose to reach hold or not. It can be a true heartbreaker when they chose not to hold on to the lifeline. We can PRAY for them because God is a God of miracles and He can change her heart. Don't give up on her, pray for her. Enjoy your blessings that God has given you. I know that God will show the children HIS love through you and Ben. Blessings to you and yours.
ReplyDeleteBeautifully said MtnGirl... my sentiments exactly! WE can not save someone...WE can pray for them. Unfortunately Momma's lose is your win and I know Little Miss and Sweet Boy will be loved and blessed immensely through you, their siblings and their daddy. Praying for a smooth transition!
DeleteHang in there, Rebekah. This is such a tough situation, for everyone involved. Tough for the children because they have a mom who either doesn't care enough to show up for visitation or is too sick (mentally or otherwise) to get herself there. That is rejection of a sort and it hurts. It hurts you because you know it is hurting the children you are mothering and no mother likes to see her children get hurt. Then it hurts you because, as you say, you love her as well. It hurts to see anyone in her situation. You know it isn't healthy for the person and that the person can't be happy with the way things are and that is so sad.
ReplyDeleteYou have Christ with you and he will guide you and Ben through this. Unfortunately life is messy and sometimes it hurts and sometimes people don't do what they are supposed to do. And that hurts. And it's okay to be hurt by that and it is normal and okay to feel conflicting emotions about what is happening right now. Keep on keepin' on and keep up the good work.
aawwww love your mama heart!! It's sad both ways… i get that… loving you and all that is stewing inside.. can only send love love love xx Lin xx
ReplyDeletePraying for you guys!
ReplyDeleteMimi
I think you are a good person. And you see how her brokenness is not her fault, how it should have been different for her, too. How she probably never even had a chance.
ReplyDeleteBut he still does. And for this to happen, the cycle need to be broken. No one ever said breaking something is easy.
You are a good person, a gift in these kids lives. The "win" thought horrible to bear, will be his future.
so much pain all around. my heart goes out to all of you.
ReplyDeleteI totally understand, Rebekah!
ReplyDeleteAna
You see people as God sees them. It doesn't matter what they are doing or not doing. You see her as a broken soul who needs Jesus. I wish so many more of us could see with that supernatural vision. Praying that one day, whether it is soon or later on down the road I don't know because God has His special timing, that there is restoration between her biological children and herself. And that she comes to know Jesus. <3
ReplyDeleteI haven't quite figured out how they can skip visits either...but I have never been an addict so maybe that is the missing peice for me.
ReplyDeletethank you for your openness and honesty regarding the "hard" of adoption. we adopted our little boy domestically and though we never dealt with the foster part of it, we have a closed adoption due to the way birthmom chose to place our son. it hurts to think that he will never know her or that we have any history or pictures to pass along. but we trust our heavenly Father's plan for our son's life and for the wonderful gift that he is to our family. God knows your hurt and sees your pain and He cares for you and for your children. Rest in His everlasting promises, that though earthly mother or father forsake, He will never leave His children!
ReplyDeleteIt's so hard watching bio parents making choices so opposite from the choices we would make. It's been almost two years since my second son's birth mother's rights were terminated. I thought I would be overjoyed but I was so conflicted. The word I used was bittersweet.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was told she was pregnant again I was hopeful. The social workers were not. I felt that someone needed to have hope for here even if she didn't know. Unfortunately I have been fostering that baby for nearly a year. She is still so young I still hope she can pull it together and make better choices in the future.
All that to say yeah I get it.