Day 1

“And she made a vow, saying, “O Lord Almighty, if you will only look upon your servant’s misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the Lord for all the days of his life. " ~ I Samuel 1:11

Today, my heart sings. For most this would seem an ordinary occurrence; for me, progress.

My heart has seen very dark places over the past several months. So dark, my prior self would not imagine them capable. There is something about not being able to produce life that wears down the very threads of who you are. I could spend hours focused on the ugly, but I’ll spare the detail and save it for my book.

Today, I sing because the melodies of hope rise once again. Today, I felt pure joy as I wrote the first check and signed my name. Today, I sent in our adoption application.

I did not realize I was void of hope until it filled my heart, today. I know, I know, the process is complicated—the paperwork abundant—the wait long, but hope will carry me through.

I can hardly rest while I imagine this and dream of that . I write today, to help document the process.

A few years ago I sat in a dirty, crowded hospital holding a baby that was not my own. She belonged to a young girl that was no where near ready to mother her third baby at age 21. I remember swaddling her close and through misted eyes imparting as much love as I possibly could muster. I knew that day; this newborn life had come to a junction. She had two paths. If I carried her home her life would be marked with love poured out and every good gift imaginable…Instead her path was chosen for her. She would be taken home to a broken family…to a life far from ideal. Her life would be marked with hardship and generational turmoil. Apart from arrest and imprisonment, I had no choice but to walk away. I have never forgotten that day.

Today, I think about a different newborn…same scenario…but this time a different path. This time I get to take the newborn home. What a gift! What my newborn fails to realize is that their wee life will give to me more than I could ever give to them.