Pinchback Acres

I have missed this space! The last 5-6 weeks have been super crazy. From selling our condo to moving out in three weeks and in with friends for another two and then settling into the new place. Ah!

But, tonight, my slippered feet are up, the fire is going, and I'm in awe of God's goodness.

Truly. 

It's not just a house. It's our future; our family; our faith. God is stirring our hearts and I know this house is an integral part of what he's going to do.

Coming from our little condo, the space is glorious. But more than the extra room inside, the room outside is what shapes our days. The culture of our family has shifted.

We're slower, more organic, more creative.

I don't know if it's the air or the quiet or the turkeys, but it's impossible not to feel peace on the property.

 The boys spend every possible minute outside and have embraced country living.

I'm not sure what's next...but we're ready!

God is moving...and so are we!

We have exciting news! This time we are not bringing home a new kiddo...instead, WE are moving to a new home! It has been such a long, frustrating journey, but we made it!

We started looking for a new house soon after we brought Laron home. We are in a small condo that is, nearly, exploding with 4 year old energy, but like most things in our life, God, continuously, works patience in us. In 18 months of looking, we have probably looked at 100 homes...but only placed two offers. The first offer was a month in and we were outbid; the second offer was a few months ago and although it was accepted, we had to withdraw based on the inspection. I was sick over it; I was so disappointed.

In January, I wrote a post called Doing More. Dreaming Bigger. I wrote:

It's more than just a home to me. I am looking for a sanctuary. A place to hold as many beds as possible. There has to be enough room for our kids to be loud and crazy and have room to explore. There has to be room to hold impromptu worship services and prayer sessions. I need a dining room table that seats ten. Because I only have a glimpse at what God is doing, I have to be prepared.

God is faithful and he continues to write a story more beautiful than I could.

Our original plan was to keep our condo as an investment and rent it out when we purchased a new home. Last week, we decided to change our strategy. We decided to sell our house on our own and listed it on Zillow. I listed it on Thursday and put a sign out on Friday night. We had our first buyer come walk through on Sunday night. Before she came, our little family gathered in the garage and prayed. We prayed for God's favor, that our condo would sell, quickly, and easily, without hiccup. The buyer walked through and asked where she could sign. She had come prepared to pay for our condo in cash and wanted to ensure we were taking it off the market.

Eek! Why are we surprised when God pulls us through?

I teared up when the woman told us that she had been driving through our neighborhood, every week, for several months, waiting for one of our condos to come up for sale.

We went to dinner to celebrate and Ty said, "Mom, we don't have anywhere to live, now!"

I was a little keyed up over the excitement of it all, but I had a strange peace. Why would God sell our condo so quickly, just to leave us homeless?

We poured over houses on the internet for two days and then scheduled to walk through four on Tuesday night. We liked the first three...but number four was it.

We knew as soon as we pulled in the driveway. During my second walk through, I stopped in front of the kitchen window. One of the boys was running down a hill and the other was swinging high in a tree swing. I cried at God's goodness.

We found the perfect house in the country, on acreage, to raise our family.

We put an offer in, but I didn't need to wait for the agreement. I knew it was ours.

Needless to say, it's been a very eventful week!

I am so excited at the possibilities our future holds. We will be living in a city, with a school district, that we had not prepared for. That can only mean one thing. God is on the move.

I only snapped a few pictures before we left, but here is our beautiful soon-to-be oasis!

Praise God!

More Than a Story

Yesterday, we were helping out in the 4/5 year old classroom at church. We're new to the room, as we just moved, this summer, from 3s, when Ty turned 4. We like moving through the kids ministry with the boys. We want to know their friends, the girls they'll likely want to date, the parents in both scenarios, etc.

We only serve once a month, so this was just our second time in the "red" room. It has been such a blessing to see the depth of study and worship that our kids are experiencing at such a young age.

As we were settling in for lesson time, I took my perch about midway through the rows. Getting 40 4/5 year olds to sit quiet and engage is a feat! The Bible lesson was on Hannah.

My heart flipped when I heard her name. I know her story inside and out. Though separated by centuries, our cry was the same. I know her and love her and prayed her prayer more times than I can count. I shifted my weight to my toes as I listened to my friend's testimony, re-told by the teacher.

"Hannah was barren. She couldn't have children of her own. She cried out to God; God heard her cry and she became pregnant with Samuel!" The lead teacher went on to talk about the great man Samuel was...I stood aghast. I wanted to throw my hands in the air and shout, "STOP!!!!"

YOU'RE NOT TELLING IT RIGHT.

You can't sum the reality of this woman's heart...this life...in one sentence! The moments of complete desperation between "She cried out to God" and "God heard her prayer" are so weighted in pain, I can feel them in the back of my throat. "Year after year" Hannah cried and begged; pleading with God. Barren is so much more than not being able to have children...it's emptier; darker; lonelier. It's not just an empty womb...it's an empty life.

Hannah is heroic in her vulnerability and ultimate sacrifice.

I couldn't believe her story was being promoted without passion. I wrestled with whether or not to interrupt when Ty looked at me from across the room. His eyes twinkled and he gave me his just-for-mom smile. I knew he knew. He knew that I prayed for him...just like Hannah prayed for her Samuel.

I held my tongue and wiped my tears.

I know her story because it's my story.

And it's okay that a classroom of kids hears "miracle" before moving on with their day. My family doesn't just hear...we experience the miracle. Every day. And that's what makes us special.

In her deep anguish Hannah prayed to the Lord, weeping bitterly. And she made a vow, saying, “Lord Almighty, if you will only look on your servant’s misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the Lord for all the days of his life...

Summer Pictures

Here are some of our summer moments in cell phone pictures!

The boys got their "box" on at a friend's graduation party

Sand Fun on Vacation

The boys have eaten more than their body weight in watermelon, this summer!

Ty discovered a real love for puzzles.

Just another day "cruis'n" the neighborhood.

We are spending countless hours at one of the beautiful Michigan lakes a few minutes from our house.

The boys asked if they could wash my car. When I came out to check on them, they were also washing their mini cooper. It was one of the cutest things I've ever seen!

Pirate Camp Day 1: LJ says, "Mom. I'm black and you gave me a red beard - you can't even see it!"

Pirate Camp Day 2

I hope your summer has been as fun as ours!!! We are meeting with our Foster License case worker, tonight. It's just an update, but we are excited about who the year might bring....

Connecting

I have been falling in love with my family, all over, again, this summer.

I credit the slowed pace and sun-shiny days. A few nights ago, Ty was having a hard time sleeping, while LJ snoozed away. I called Ty out of his room and snuggled with him on the couch. I don't remember anything special about our time; only that it was just that...time. Since most of our family time is spent with all four of us, the one-on-one interactions are sweet.

We had a repeat incident, tonight, in reverse. Ben headed out for the night and Ty was fast asleep, but I heard LJ whistling to himself on his top bunk. I put my book aside and called him out to the living room to settle in for some mommy and me time. I wasn't prepared for what God had in store for me.

LJ and I have continued to struggle in our relationship. He loves me just fine, but most days I don't think he likes me very much. He always prefers Ben's company and trying to talk to him is like pulling teeth. His answers are clipped; his mind distracted. Completely opposite from Ty.

I love LJ as my own and feel a deep drawing to connect with him, but so far, our moments have been few and far between. Even though our conversation, tonight, still jumped from place to place, LJ never stopped looking into my eyes. It was like we clicked. For the first time...in 16 months.

After a few moments of tickling and cuddling, the conversation went [pretty much] just like this.

LJ do you know how much mommy loves you?

 Yes.

 I'm so glad you are in our family. Did you know that you lived with five families before coming home to me and daddy and Ty?

 Yes.

 Do you remember anything about the families you lived with? You had lots of mommies.

 And daddies?

 No, actually your daddy is the first daddy you've ever had.

 Did you see me jumping in the water with my daddy? [We went to the beach, today.]

 Yes. You are my brave, brave boy.

 Giggle. I am very brave.

 Do you know that God is going to use you to do BIG things for him?

 Me?

 Yes. Because not only are you brave, but  you are such a lover. You have a big HUGE heart that never stops loving.

 I'm going to drive a police car!

You are? Well that is a very brave job to have. Why do you want to be a policeman?

Because they go right to the emergencies!

That's right. That's why they have to be so brave. Hey, wasn't that cool that those girls got adopted in the movie we watched, tonight? [Despicable Me]

Yes.

Would you like to adopt little sisters...or would you rather have a little brother.

A brother! I would teach him how to swim to the raft. And then I would show him how to hold his knee and do a cannon ball...just like that big humungous kid at the raft.

 Oh -

 Do you know who else does canon balls like that?

 Daddy?

 No. Captain Hook!

Oh...I didn't know Captain Hook did canon balls. LJ, you will be such a good big brother. Your little brother will learn all sorts of cool things from you.

 I really like your eyelashes, Mama. Did you know that spiders don't have eyelashes?

 Hmm...you're probably right about that.

 And they don't drink coffee. Only daddies.

 I held back a laugh. You're probably right about that, too. Can we go back to our conversation about you living in lots of homes? Do you remember anything about your other mommies, honey?

I remember when you and daddy came to get me... [His eyes looked lost for a minute.]

I held back tears. You do?

Instead of answering, right away, he hugged my neck tight. Then he said, "I love you mommy. I'm glad you are my mommy...." and after a long pause, he added, "....forever."

I held LJ tight for a long time and couldn't say anything past the lump in my throat. I don't know what's locked away behind those deep eyes, but I know that God has lifted his countenance. It's hard sometimes, in the challenging moments, to decipher whether we're dealing with LJ's personality, past experiences, or typical four year old behavior (since our other four year old thinks he's six).

Our conversation, tonight, was confirmation to my heart that our son is going to be more than okay. He might be moody and busy and full of jump-high energy, but he is also creative and thoughtful and funny. He just needs to express things in his own time.

As we grow together, I might end up being his go-to confidante when he's wrestling with thoughts or pain. Or I might not be. I might only get glimpses into his heart here and there. I'm okay with either scenario...because in both scenarios I get to be his mom. I get to experience him and enjoy him and allow God to use him to shape my own life.

I remember the day his daddy and I came to get him too...

Just in Case

I didn't intentionally take a hiatus, but we've had a really crazy month of planned and unplanned travel.

We've worked through the disappointments of having to turn down our dream house and losing LJ's sister to another family. We are, currently, in a state of fulfillment. We are enjoying our family and taking in the best part of living in Michigan...summer (Ben would actually argue that it's fall)! We know that our family won't always be this size, so we're enjoying the time, while we have it. In the past month, the boys finished their first year of preschool, attended their first VBS, Ty turned four, and we just got back from our annual vacation, "up north".

You might remember me blogging about this trip, last year, because LJ had a very difficult time. He had only been living with us for three months at that point and didn't understand the concept of vacation...He cried every night to go home...wherever and with whomever that might have been - we didn't know.

This year's experience was wildly different. He's different.

Truth be told, he's hardly recognizable. After the week was up, on the way home, LJ said, "Mom, I really want to go home." No sadness; just readiness. Unlike his shaky understanding of what home meant when he cried for it, last year, he knows home, now...and knows we'll always go back. He knows family and that we're always going to be it.

Such an incredible transformation.

When we got home, we had a large envelope from Lutheran Social Services waiting for us. Our renewal application for our foster license. My heart did more of a flop than a flip. I'm really enjoying time with just the boys, right now. I flashed the packet at Ben and said, "Do you want to renew this thing? We're going to have to renew it, again, once we move."

It was my way of saying, "It's okay if we pass, right now."

My level-headed, quietly passionate husband said, "Yah. We better. Just in case."

Just in case....

Reconnecting

I needed today.

Our whirlwind has yet to calm.

A couple days after my last post, we received sad news about Ben's grandpa, Tyrus. Because he was only given a few weeks to live, Ben and I, immediately, flew out to say goodbye. We had a beautiful, but emotional trip. Even though it's a natural part of life, saying goodbye to those we love is never easy. Due to astronomical ticket prices, we had to leave the boys home. We were only in Arizona for two-ish days, but it fell at a bad time, as I had to fly from Arizona to Missouri for a work conference I was presenting at.

It was the first time I've ever been away from the boys for a week.

There are so many things swirling in my head and the erratic pace of bad news we've been living, has hardly given us time to process one loss before moving on to the next.

I took the last couple of days off to reconnect with the boys and I'm so glad that I did. Today, we had a perfect, warm, sunny, breezy day. The boys and I played outside for hours. We planted flowers, played with squirt guns, had a picnic, ate bomb pops, and talked about our favorite things to do in the summer.

The most serious question I had to answer, all day, was, "Mom, can we bring our baby sister on vacation with us?" (asked by LJ). When I reminded him that we don't have a baby sister, yet, his rebuttal was, "Oh...We're still waiting on God for that?"

I laughed out loud.

Yup. We're waiting on God for a lot of things. But, with, today, as an indicator. I would say God has come through...EVERY TIME. In his time. In his way. For our best.

I'm still processing through some tragedies of the heart, but spending an entire day with these crazy kids was a deep, healing balm. You can't help but smile in their presence.

Thank you, God, for using my little flashlights, today, to show me your GREAT love.