The Reward

We had a really awesome experience tonight.

Our first parent/teacher conferences.

Even though I drop the boys off and pick them up from preschool, every time, the two minute, "How are the boys doing?" conversations were not good indicators on what was really going on in the classroom.

I was wide-eyed as their teacher went through their portfolios with us. When did LJ learn to trace lines? And how is it Ty can recognize the number 8 when asked? They are cutting and matching and patterning...all while learning how much Jesus loves them!

While we were curious about both boys, we were most concerned about LJ's progress, attention, and attitude in school. In 8 months, we have seen a complete transformation. We know what LJ is capable of and the challenges he's faced, head-on. What we didn't know, was whether or not his progression translated to the classroom. Another brand new experience for him.

My mama heart BEAMED with pride at the teacher's words.

"...Ty is expressive in his participation, curious in his learning, and kind-hearted and polite in his actions. Laron always has a smile on his face, gives the most hugs, plays really well with the other children, and follows direction. Both boys are truly a joy..."

I am proud of BOTH of my boys for the men they are becoming and the actions they are displaying, away from home. I was elated to hear about Laron. Not because we play favorites, but because that kid has been through a whirlwind of change in the last several months. He went from not being able to drink from a cup and throwing defiant tantrums at whim to cutting straight lines and raising his hand when called on, in class! My son, did that! He can do anything. I always believed it, but HEARING his teacher say the words was like a God song.

I'm sorry, but I have to get out my soapbox, here.

My son was a state ward. His profile was sent to, what most consider, our state's "unadoptable" website. (i.e. case workers are not able to find families for the children listed). My son was listed with moderate emotional and physical needs (physical being the "severe" asthma he does not have). My son lived in FIVE foster homes, two of which he was removed from for CPS violations, and he swapped out siblings like I pay our car insurance. He spent his first weeks with us void of most emotion and the next several weeks, crying. He has scars on his body that I cannot explain. He wouldn't laugh when we tickled him. He didn't know how to go to the bathroom on the potty or eat properly or problem solve. He was a tripping maniac and had little hand-eye coordination. He had a constant line of drool streaming from his face because he hadn't properly learned how to suck. He cried for "home" every time we left the house because he didn't understand that we would be back. He didn't know how to sit still on my lap when I read him a book. He called me "mama" from day one because the name held no meaning. He didn't talk much, and then when he tried, his words came out in stutters.

He didn't know security.

He didn't know how to belong.

He didn't understand that family is forever.

In eight months (EIGHT!) That same boy...MY BOY...is an outgoing, full-of-life, passionate, energetic, leader in his classroom. He is confident and secure and knows his place in our family. He is a stickler for the rules because they mean something to him. They provide him with healthy boundaries, while allowing him to explore and dream and be creative. He knows that EVERY good gift comes from God and that Jesus loves him more than anyone else on this planet. He knows that his brother is his best friend. He understands that he will never live in another home again. He knows that when Daddy lays on the floor, it's wrestle time. He gets what we mean when we ask him to act like a gentleman or pray from his heart or to "dip responsibly" (table manners).

The same boy that couldn't figure out how to back his monster truck up from underneath a table is now painting within lines, leading his classmates in songs, and recognizing the letters in his name. I am in awe of what God has done.

Isn't it amazing what one little "yes" can do? We said yes to our son before ever seeing his picture or meeting him in person.

Isn't it amazing what a little lot of patience, time, love, and expectations can do for a three year old?

It's an absolute privilege to mother these two boys. I know the love and pride in my heart, for them, pales in comparison to God's, but, man, I am just EXPLODING, tonight.

I always wanted a HUGE life. I wanted my actions to make a difference.

I have it. They are.

My boys are going to change the world.

The Start of Forever

We had a great day.

The morning was early and a bit rushed; the boys a little cranky.

The court room smelled musty, but there was an awe all the same. The judge asked us a series of questions, most of which left me choked up. I held Ty, while LJ snuggled and schmoozed Ben. The judge watched them for a few minutes and was, outwardly, touched by their interaction. Our case worker gave a teary affirmation toward our adoption and the judge answered with an, equally, teary declaration that the state found it within the best interest of "the child" to remain in our family.

(Yes, LJ has bright blue striped socks. Target shorted me a black sock in my two pack and we didn't notice it until this morning. Bright blue was the darkest we had!)

The part that gets me every time is when the judge says, "It will be as if this child was born to you..."

It's not that I need the confirmation; I don't. But, the weight of those words fit the love in my heart. I love both of my sons as if they were born to me....and they weren't.

I love them because God loves them. I love them because they enrich my life in every way.

The judge gave the boys lollipops and allowed them to practice with the gavel.

We had a celebratory breakfast with our loved ones and followed it up with a family  nap! The sweetest moment of the entire day was not swearing in or standing before the judge...It came at bedtime. When I kissed LJ's head, tucked his covers tight, and told him that he would be in our family forever, there was an assurance that didn't exist before.

I love my family and what God is doing through us.

Court Day

Friday cannot come sooner for me.

Friday is LJ's adoption court hearing.

It is an exciting day for our family, but for me it's only affirming what I already know to be true. For LJ, however, it's a re-write for his future. A formalized decree that will hopefully soothe his insecure heart. We have been talking about his "adoption day" for a couple of weeks, now. We wanted to prepare him for what could seem scary, but also help him understand what this day will mean for his place in our family. It helps give teeth to forever.

He is not an introvert by any means, but when it comes to emotional expression, he is stunted. Even at three, it's clear that he has mastered the ability to gloss over heartache and ignore challenging conversation....but, we are working on that!

Up until the last couple of days, he hadn't said anything about his court date and wouldn't participate in our conversation about it at the dinner table. On Sunday, we put him to bed a few minutes early for an act of disobedience. After a couple of minutes, I could still hear his quiet sobs. I went in and sat on his bed and put my hand on his chest. The conversation went something like, "Honey...I know today was a tough day for you. But you know what? You are a GOOD boy. And tomorrow is a new day. Mommy and Daddy love you very much and we are so glad that you are in our family." We sat for a few minutes in silence, while I rubbed his head and patted his belly. He then looked right at me and said, "Mom. I want to go to court tomorrow."

His words grip my heart. I knew it was his way of saying, "I'm insecure" or even worse, "I'm still afraid you might give me back."

I hugged him tight, whispered more lovelies, and told him we only had a few more days to wait.

The injustice of what has been done to this precious boy's heart makes me angrier than I've ever been. This is my son. And he's three. He is battling insecurities that his brother will never experience in his lifetime. It's just not right.

This little boy deserves more. And we are going to give it to him!

Only a few more days...

...and LJ will have his forever family.

Finalization

We got word, last week, that LJ's adoption finalization will be next Friday, November 2nd! We are really excited to celebrate such a special day. We have been talking about it to help LJ understand what will be happening and to ease any insecurity that the courthouse might bring. The first couple of times I brought it up he didn't say anything, but yesterday on our way to church he said, "Mom, are we going to court to be a family?"

His little voice pierced my heart and reminded me that this sweet boy knows and understands more than he lets on. I did call and invite LJ's G-Mama. She responded that she would let me know...I haven't heard back. Either way, I'm not going to tell LJ. No reason to stir up emotion if she doesn't make it.

This baby boy has added so much flavor to our family. He is a direct blessing from God and makes every corner of my heart smile.

The Sharing Bag

Ty was so excited that he was selected for the sharing bag at preschool, this week. He must have asked me ten times before dinner when we were going to work on it; I am not sure the last time I saw him so excited. The letter inside the bag explained that he was supposed to select an item that had special meaning and come up with three clues, so that his classmates could try to guess his item, before the big reveal.

Ty selected the book Rebekah recorded for him on his first birthday. I wrote the clues in picture form on big pieces of paper, so that Ty could pull them out one-by-one and "read" them. Ben and I were taken with his excitement and eagerness to practice the clues - It's a rectangle...It has pictures...It's something you can read.

I explained to Ty that once his classmates guessed his special item, that his teacher would ask why it was so special to him. It was really sweet to hear Ty explain that he is adopted and that his first mama lives in Colorado and took care of him in her belly. I wish more than anything I could have been in the room for his big moment...to hear him explain his story to his three year old peers.

Because LJ was so new to our family, we did have a meeting with the teachers, before school started, to talk about our concerns and the ways we have found to reinforce security in LJ. In that meeting, I mentioned that both boys are adopted, but we didn't get into much detail about their adoption stories or that we have a relationship with Ty's birth family. I am so curious as to what he said and if it made sense...I did not see the morning teacher when I picked the boys up in the afternoon. I will, definitely, inquire about it, next week, at drop off.

Whether it was a cohesive conversation or not, I am just thankful that Ty is so proud of his story. Tomorrow happens to be Rebekah's birthday and I wanted to share this cute video of the boys singing happy birthday. They pretty much melt my heart with every word.

My life is richer than I ever dreamed it could be.

Naming Adopted Kids

I want to start an FAQ series to respond to a number of questions that I get asked in emails. Today, I'm going to talk about our boys' names.

Even though we adopted Ty from birth, we were still very sensitive to Rebekah and approached the subject of naming with deference. We started by asking Rebekah if she would like to name Tyrus (who we called "Baby Boy", at the time). Rebekah's heart for us through her pregnancy was evident in everything she did. Her response was consistently, "I have done this before...I want you and Ben to have all the firsts. I don't want you miss out on this." I know the honor we offered one another in those early days is the chord of unity that still runs thick to Tyrus, today. The love he has for both of his mothers is pure, genuine, and overflowing.

I could talk about the connection Ty feels to Rebekah all day, but I'll try to stay on topic here! Once we found out that Ty was a boy, we really wanted to use Ben's grandfather's name, Tyrus. We couldn't think of a better namesake. Because we wanted Rebekah to be a part of the decision, we came up with two more names that were a close second. I think they were Maximus and Cole. We gave all three names to Rebekah and asked for her feedback. When she said she loved, Tyrus, I cried with joy. Even though she had left the decision to us, we wanted it to be a collective choice. We used "Lee" as the middle name because it held significance on both sides of our families and funny enough, both Ben and I share the middle name, as well. Had Ty been a girl, I would have absolutely used Rebekah in her name.

One of the first questions LJ's foster mom asked us was whether or not we would change his name. She admitted that she would have. Prior to PRIDE training, Ben and I probably wouldn't have thought twice about changing a young foster child's name. As it turned out, I was the volunteer for the exercise that left me with lasting impressions. The trainer had different people in the class come up to the front of the room to represent the biggest pieces of me - my family, my friends, my church, my job, my education, this blog....maybe a few others. One by one she "took" pieces a way from me until I was only left standing with my name...and then she took that. After a dramatic pause, she asked me how I felt.

Most foster children have had everything dear to them taken. Unless we adopt a child with a name that binds him to his past in an unhealthy way (I know a family that adopted a child named Dark Dragon) or the child is old enough to request a name change, we will keep our children's given first names.

I use LJ on this blog, for LJ's protection. It is not his given name, but has become a nickname that we do call him. LJ's first name remains, but we did change his middle name to Jeremiah because we love the promise that comes with it. LJ's first name starts with an "L", so LJ has become a natural nickname that he enjoys, especially because we often call Ty, "T-Y" (saying each letter). We use LJ's given name and his nick name, interchangeably. When he's writing or spelling out his name with letters, he always uses LJ, but when he introduces himself, he always uses his given name. I beam with pride when I hear him tell people his full name and he ends with an emphatic "JEREMIAH PINCH--BACK!!" He sounds like a boy that knows exactly who he is. I love it.

If we are able to adopt LJ's sister (PRAYING!), we will also keep her given name and call her Mia for short, as it is a part of her longer name. I don't think I've given an update on her in awhile....we are getting closer. Her case is moving toward termination and her, current, foster family has expressed that they do not intend to adopt. If we had been asked to adopt her a few months ago, the answer would probably have been no, but we are feeling much more settled in our family, today. We pray for Baby Mia every day and trust God for his perfect plan, recognizing that it may not include us.

We are no where near expert status in the field of adoption. Every child is different and right answers vary. I will, however, continue to share our experiences and the ways God had led us on this path, in effort to encourage your heart.

Feel free to leave your questions in the comments and I will use them for upcoming FAQs!

LJ's Sweet Prayer

My dear, sweet friend is fighting cancer (and winning, I declare!)

Tonight, we prayed for her at bed time.

I had to share this video of LJ's sweet prayer. This boy is the most loving three year old I know. He thanks God every night for his mommy and daddy and "friend Tyrus".

Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.

Amen.