Success.

This is a quickie, rejoice-with-me-everyone-in-my-household-is-sleeping post! I just turned in my final paper for my first class in my MBA program!!!! I'm not sure how I survived, but I'm so glad that I did. I definitely won't be receiving my usual "A" grade norm, but I did the best I could with the amount of time I, now, have (not much) and think I'll be squeaking by with a B+. Being a full time employee, wife, mom, and student has proven itself quite challenging, but it is working and I've yet to feel overwhelmed or stressed.

I lead a very disciplined life right now as my time is so limited. Finishing this first class makes me swell with pride that I can do this.

One class down only 12 more to go!

Baby Ty is the PERFECT source of inspiration. His new little laughs are enough to keep me going all day! We managed to get some on camera, the other day, as we were walking out the door.

Enjoy!

Ty Laughs with Mommy

"Family Planning"....Yeah Right.

Do you know what really bothers me?

The unpredictability of infertility.

I understand that no one knows what the future holds and that life can change instantly...for anyone. But. For the most part, women get pregnant, families are created, and life moves at a quick and steady pace.

Not so for the barren woman.

The barren woman doesn't get pregnant, watches other families grow, and tries to crawl through the torture tunnel of heart pain.

Last month, my cycle lasted an eternity (nearly 50 days - the joy of PCOS), and for the first time in nearly two years I wondered if I might be pregnant. The thought went as quickly as it came and I got angry...When we walked away from clinics, I closed my heart to possabiliites, refused to take another pregnancy test, and never once during the adoption process did I question a lengthy cycle. My anger, now, stems from the memory of past ache. I don't want to live in that place again....that place of rise-and-fall hope. It's easier to cut pregnancy out of your heart as an option.

Nothing in me desires to be pregnant. Truly. I don't have this overbounding dream of bellying a baby. However, the rooted wanting for a family is deep.

I have never felt more alive...more needed...more whole, than in my current role as mom. And it's enough. If we retire in life as a family of three, my cup will be full. But, that doesn't stop my mind from thinking...my heart from expanding.

People ask me all the time, "Will you adopt again?" Definitely a different discussion for a different day. Right now we're enjoying every moment in time, with Tyrus...but my heart does wonder...

I watch Ben with his brother and think, I want this for Ty. I pack away stages of clothing and hope they're storage is temporay. Entertaining these thoughts is complicated...empty wombs are complicated. Ben and I can't just go to our clothes closet, snag an outfit for the day, and decide to have another baby.....It doesn't work that way for us. There's no famly planning; no outlining for the future. The unpredictability of it drives me mad.

I'm an organizer; a planner.

God has been walking me through a very tight trust walk the last several months and nothing about it comes natural. I don't want foggy thoughts and loose inklings; I want predictable! But, then I look at Ty....my ever-present ebenezer. My reminder of truth.

God is faithful. He knows my heart; I claim to know his. Through Tyrus, he has shown me that his gifts are fantasitc, his love untouchable, and the plans for our family great.

I tend to want things in nice pretty packages. While that might be okay for gifts (even essential!), it's not okay for life. Just because one birthmom found me through the internet doesn't mean a second one will, too. I have to trust God that our family will be created in his way, in his time. I didn't believe it before, but I can now.

One thing I can say for sure. The waiting/not knowing...this side of Ty...is nothing short of spectacular. I live for this kid. He absolutely touches every part of my heart.

Happy 3 Months Tyrus!

This was my favorite photo shoot, yet! Ty could not be cuter. He is growing so fast...my mama heart is more than a little proud. He is absolutely, 100% a mama's boy. He has become very clingy since I went back to work and I can't say, I hope it doesn't last forever. I want him to always be my baby. My heart continues to overflow as we experience new joys at every corner.

Enjoy our boy...

Below is the link to our three month video. I was batting 1000...a week late, throwing up, a dead battery...it ends abruptly, but you'll get the idea...

Click Here for Ty's 3 Month Video (It works now!!)

A Birth Mother's Question Answered

We had a great time at our agency, last week. I love sharing our story and hope that little Ty brought the other waiting families much hope! We talked a lot about networking and our experience with the blog community. I passed on many of your blogs and shared how your support helped me beat this monster, called infertility. Thank you for your help!

Tonight, I want to respond to a very heartfelt comment I received from birthmothertalks, this week. I think it's an important discussion to begin. Starting now...

I enjoy reading your blog and hearing your praise for God. I do have a question and I don't mean to offend you at all. When I hear adoptive parents thanking God for their child or say that God meant this child to be theirs. Can you explain more? As a birthmother and a person who is just learning about God through counseling from a pastor and his wife what I am thinking is that your saying that God wanted you to have this baby and not his birthmother. I know you don't mean it that way, but if God is in charge of you getting him as your son how can he not be responsible for Rebekah's pain and loss?

I know whenever God is involved in the gray issues, it's everyone's opinion for themself. I don't claim to have supernatural knowledge in the area...just a heart after the Father. I've had years to reconcile infertility and adoption...here's what my heart believes.

God did not make me barren. God did not make Rebekah pregnant.

We live in a fallen world, full of sin and responsibility and decisions...and just plain "life." God certainly can intervene...and does...but sometimes he doesn't. For whatever reason, I couldn't get pregnant...and maybe never will. But, God purposed in my heart the desire to be a mom. He certainly could have stepped in, at any time, and healed my body...but what if he had? What about all the babies and foster children out there that need families? What if God healed all the barren women...would there be enough families left to meet the needs of adoption? I admit...we would have never looked at adoption had I been able to conceive. I think it's a fair assumption that if all barren women were miraculously healed, there would be a mass shortage of mommies for children in need...all over the world.

As far as Rebekah goes....God did not make her pregnant. It's a consequence/blessing of sex. She had sex, got pregnant (pardon my bluntness), and found herself in a difficult situation. God was certainly present; aware. He knew Rebekah's heart...what she was going through...and never left her side. He could have miraculously stepped in and provided Rebekah with more money than she knew how to handle....but that still would have left her son without a daddy. Rebekah once told me that the greatest gift she was giving Ty was Ben. She is an excellent mother and would have loved Tyrus in all the ways I do...but she wanted more for him.

There you have it. Two Rebekahs. One was desperately trying to get pregnant and couldn't; the other was not planning on raising another baby and knew she couldn't. Insert God.

It is an absolute truth that God is beginning and end...knower and keeper of time. He knew that little Tyrus would be our son and that Rebekah's life...and my life...would be drastically shaken; our hearts united. He did not impregnate Rebekah, so that Ben and I could have a family....but he did connect our worlds and bring us together for one common good - sweet, baby Ty.

He makes all things well. He does. That doesn't mean that it doesn't cost us. Ty's life came at a huge price. It cost me years of heartache and doubt...and Rebekah....oh, sweet, Rebekah...it cost her everything. But God showed up - illuminated his love on both of our hearts - and eased the pain.

In a perfect world, everyone would be able to have babies...every birth mom would care for her own...every child would have a happy, healthy, loving family...and foster homes and orphanages would never be needed....

It's not a perfect world.

The best we can do is cry out for God's mercy. Ask him for his help. I cried out to the Father, asking to be a mother.... Rebekah cried out to the Father asking for her baby's family... He cradled us under wing and slowly, through time, brought us together. It's not perfect...we're not perfect. But God. He brought beauty from the ashes, he's given us a fresh measure of love, shown his face to our families, and we are forever changed by this process. I know Rebekah well enough to say that she would agree.

I understand why birthmoms might cringe when hearing an adoptive mother say, "God meant this child for me...." or worse, yet, "God made this child for me." I may even be guilty of it...in the newfound blessing of motherhood, our emotions might get away from us. The truth is...God made Tyrus for him. Not me...or Rebekah. We were just given the privelege to love him and guide him.

I love the forum of open adoption because it gives us opportunity to examine all sides of the story. I agree with birthmothertalks. If adoptive parents claim their adoptive children to be "meant" for them, it does sound like we are saying God never intended their birth mothers to raise them. And this is terribly inaccurate...and offensive. It makes the birth mother sound like an incubator of sorts...that her only job is keeping the chick warm, until the right hen comes along.

We can, however, say that God made the perfect match. When I look at Ty, I think of Rebekah...and nothing about our adoption has been short of supernatural. If perfection existed, I think this would be it...

Two Rebekahs, one Ben, and one sweet Tyrus.

Every Bit of Miracle

Nothing in my life is the same. This little boy has rocked my world.

And I mean ROCKED it. Every day is such a joy. I did go back to work, last week, and it was rough...but it's our only door into the future. Unless anyone knows of an agent that wants to sign me for a book deal....I have to push through until I finish my master's (I'll then be able to teach at college level and have a ton more flexabililty).

Things could be much worse. I could be working with no baby to come home to! I only have to make it through 4 long days and then I get three day weekends, with my little man. We had such a fun day on Friday, just the two of us. We were both so whipped from the week, we took a very long afternoon nap, snuggled close.

We just get each other.

I can't explain it, beyond a common understanding between friends. There's no question he has stolen every piece of my heart. I feel so....alive. Ben and I tell each other at least once a day, how much better life is with Ty. There is nothing like the feeling of family...and we never quite felt like one before, Tyrus. Whether we're grocery shopping or heading out to game nights with friends, everything is more fun with Ty in tow.

I've thrown out all the rules to parenting. Who makes these rules anyway? For so long, I felt pressured to do things by the book (and not just one)...that if I didn't do things exactly right, I'd have this rotten child on my hands. And then I would question everything I did. Is this what I should be doing if I want him to act this way....or should I be concerned that he's not doing that...

I finally reached mommy freedom and now go with my gut.

Ty is extraordinary...therefore the rules don't apply (smile). We waited too long, to be bound by ordinary. I hug him and love him and snuggle him as much as humanly possible. I can't help it. My heart just throbs for him when I'm away. Sometimes, I spend the whole night with him, just because I can't bear to be apart.

I don't know if this is typical...if other moms feel this way, but it's become my normal.

I met someone at a wedding, this weekend. I hope she's reading. She asked about Tyrus...and the hollowed sadness, I know all too well, sunk behind her dark eyes. I shared our story, tried to offer hope, and went home and held Ty tighter...longer. Oh, how I remember that pain...

I still tear up when I look at Tyrus. He is every bit of miracle to my heart. The last time I saw Rebekah, I promised to love her little boy with everything I had in me...that he would never lack for love. And he hasn't.

He has become a real picture of God's love toward me. I would have never imagined I could love one little person so much. A person that I did not carry in my belly. A person that I did not birth from my womb. But, I do. When I look at Ty, I do not see someone else's son. I see my son. To think that the Father looks at us, the same way, is too overwhelming for words...

I only want Tyrus to have the best. I want him to do things right...and live a life of fullness. There will come a time in his life when he won't understand why Ben and I choose the things we do for him. He may even fight it...but we'll continue to do, and give him, what is best.

That little truth hit me like a ton of bricks, this week, thinking back on our infertility. I would never say God closed my womb - he didn't. But, he KNEW there was something better in our path. We fought it...and struggled through it, but he stayed steady. Man, did he stay steady. Just as he placed the desire of mom in my heart, he knit the facets of Tyrus, together, in Rebekah's womb. He orchestrated the piece and kept tempo on the timing.

Tonight, I stare at a little piece of perfection and can't believe he's been entrusted to me. I don't think the awe will ever wear.

Back to Work

I am tired. Really. Really. Tired.

It's not Ty...it's the no-naps-being-back-to-work-and-grad-student-at-night that's doing it. I went back to work on Monday (sob) and you better believe I was a slobbery mess. I cried all last weekend. I held him all weekend. I slept with him all weekend. I just couldn't get enough.

We're both struggling to adapt. But it is working.

I have to work long days, but it allows me to have Fridays off, which is well worth it! Ty was one happy boy yesterday...he just wanted his mama...We both took a three hour nap we were so whipped! I promise to give more updates, but today, I have to finish writing a paper....

Before I leave you with some cutie pictures, I'd like your help with something. On Thursday, Ben and Ty and I are headed to our agency to share our story and how the blog world helped us cope....and find our baby! I'd like to put together a little handout of blogs for the families that attend....but I don't want to put your blog on the list without your permission!

If you would like a little free advertising and want to be included on my handout will you leave your blog address in my comments? If you could also write a couple sentences on your story for me to include....if you've already adopted...if it's open...if it's transracial...if you're waiting, how long it's been...etc. I want to offer the families in attendance, hope. I'm so excited to share our story...and all my friends!!!

Thanks for your help, I'll let you know how it goes!

Now for your Ty fill:

Ty just started laughing...there is nothing cuter!!!

In case you didn't know...I LOVE being a mom!

The Truth About Open Adoption

Ben and I are standing in a crowded, curtain clad room, just days, after little Tyrus was born. We're still living in a haze, frustrated that we had to wait over an hour because the county office doesn't believe he's our son-we have no paperwork to prove it (termination hasn't happened, yet), and strangely wondering why Michael Jackson's death paralells that of a god.

The under-age attending nurse collects Ty's bloodwork for the state, slaps on some bandaids, looks directly at me and asks, "So this adoption thing was pretty easy for you...?"

I stifle a laugh, sneak a peak at Ben, and answer with a definite, "No. No, it wasn't."

Most of the world is blind to adoption. I wish it was a national hot topic...that the country would care as much for these babies and foster children, as it does for conflicting politics, world war, and controversies over healthcare.

All I can do is my part.

I can share my experiences, honestly, and hope it helps change mindsets. That our story will inspire others to adopt...even those that think it's not for them.

I've been wanting to write about open adoption, specifically, for weeks, but am just now finding the time. Openness is definitely curving toward the trend, in the world of adoption, but can still be a very scary topic for those considering it. I assume those reading have read most of our story and know the closeness Rebekah and I have with one another. My casual approach to our relationship may have readers believe that choosing to engage in "open" adoption was an easy choice for us....but it wasn't.

Open adoption is scary. And we didn't commit right away. Before we were matched with Rebekah we had closed our minds to open adoption. We just didn't see how it could be beneficial...or comfortable. Even when Rebekah requested an open adoption, when she chose us, we walked very tentatively...praying that God would lead us.

It didn't take long until I considered Rebekah friend...we were always ten steps ahead of the agency and they had a hard time keeping up with our openness. We exchanged addresses and phone numbers and information....neither of us really considered any topic "off limits," and talked about everything under the sun.

Before Ty (as in all the days with Rebekah leading up to the birth), I would have told you that open adoption is perfection...that everyone should do it, and that it's a beautiful gift to give your one day son or daughter...

Today, I would say...open adoption is difficult-but rewarding, everyone should do it-if given the opportunity, and I'm so thankful that I'm able to gift my relationship with Rebekah to Ty.

Nothing about this process is easy...and that includes open relationships. It's almost like a tug-of-war game. There is nothing better than being able to give your son a full history lesson on his heritage, to have hundreds of family tokens...from pictures to letters to gifts...to be able to re-tell his birth day and the tears that were shed by all...to have been been there, in the room, at all...or to read him the last email sent by his birth-grandma so he can hear the love in her heart. Yet...a very big YET. There is nothing more difficult than knowing the pain you've caused in another woman's heart.

The day after we came "home" from the hospital, Rebekah and I sobbed together on the phone. Her telling me how hard her day was...me trying to convey the gratitude in my heart. We were both a mess. The minute I hung up I realized how much easier a closed adoption would be. Sure, Rebekah would still have pain....but then I wouldn't have had to hear it. Maybe I could have moved on with my life quicker....maybe Ty would have felt like my son sooner.

Those are selfish thoughts for sure, but I felt them. When Rebekah wept in the room next door, as she signed her termination paperwork, I felt every tear...When Rebekah blogged about her heartache days after, I read every word...When we were out together and someone asked how she was, I saw the pain that veiled her eyes. Her experience did not escape me.

The openness of adoption is hard.

A day doesn't go by that I don't think about her, even two months later. Although the emotions have settled, it's still hard for me. I can't believe that Rebekah gave me the boy I call son. Part of the difficulty comes from the fact that I love her. I want the best for her. And I wish that she could have the joy of knowing and seeing Tyrus every day.

Like all adoption emotions, I was ill prepared.

It's almost fitting for it to be difficult. If Rebekah had to make a selfless decision to give me her son...than I should have to be selfless in giving her a relationship. Even if it was hard for me to see her pain.

Now that we've walked through the most painful days and life has settled in...I really wish Rebekah and her whole family lived close...I do. I miss them terribly and want them to share all of Ty's moments with us, not just through pictures and videos...Rebekah and I try to talk weekly, but it's never enough.

The openness of adoption pulls you in deep.

Do you want to know what the coolest thing about it is???

Someone else on the planet (other than your spouse) cares as much for your son/daughter as you do. I know grandmas...and aunties...and friends care. But it's not the same. Rebekah was just as excited as I was when Ty's bottom lashes grew...and was equally pained when I told her of Ty's first shots...Just like me, she watches and re-watches the nonsense-he's hardly-doing-anything videos I make, because she loves him as much as I do. Do you know how special that is? We giggle over his quirks, agree that he's the most beautiful baby alive, and dream about the things to come...together.

Rebekah is the only person on earth who will ever experience a mother's love for Ty with me. The ability to share such an incredible gift is remarkable. It makes my heart explode. As great as all of that is for me, the true winner of our open adoption, is little Tyrus Lee...

He doesn't know it yet, but he won the baby lottery. He has two worlds of people that would give their lives for him. Two mommies that are committed to cheering him on for life. And two parents who will never take his life for granted...who thank God for him every day...who will do everything possible to keep both worlds functioning as one...one big, loving family.