A *Slight* Change of Plans...

Hello, Beautiful "Heart Cries" Readers...

This is Rebekah's friend, Laura, and she asked me to share a recent turn of events with all of you! Ben and Rebekah just left our house this morning, where they stayed overnight after 5 hours of driving from their home. The plan was to drive another 8 hours today and 8 hours tomorrow, arriving at their destination on Tuesday night. However, after a long day of driving and being only 60 miles from the rest and relaxation of their hotel stopping point, they received a call with some unexpected news: Rebekah's blood pressure has shot up and her doctor decided it would be best to induce her in the morning.

Tomorrow morning. At 6 am.

So, 8 hours into their drive, Ben and Rebekah have settled in to drive the remaining 600 miles through the night tonight and into tomorrow morning. Rebekah hopes to arrive at the hospital by 10 am, knowing it will take a little bit of time to get the induction under way. They will stop and sleep as needed, she assured me! They are excited and overwhelmed all at once. Rebekah wanted me to ask all of you to pray, pray, pray for safe travels, Rebekah's health, the induction, and peace for every person involved. Already understandably emotional, this turn of events has been tough on Rebekah and the time in the car is physically wearing on her (she gets a little nauseous during long car rides and hasn't been feeling so hot).

Leave her some love and I will do my best to keep everyone posted as new events transpire. Baby Boy is coming and that is so, so beautiful...he may be a little ahead of our schedule, but certainly not God's.

--Laura

Day 415

We're headed out, this morning on the second leg of our journey. We spent the night with my oldest life-long friend, Laura and her hubby, Dan. We had some good fun...and food!!!

We got to meet Baby Gabe for the first time...He's even sweeter in person....

Uncle Ben and Auntie B missed their little Madalyn!


I don't think I've processed what's about to happen to us....everything seems surreal...I'm really glad we were able to spend the night surrounded by familiar faces and loving embraces.

Okay, that's it for now....Another 8 hours in the car, here we come!!!

Day 413

Friday was my last day at work. I cried the whole way home. It's not that I love work so much that I couldn't leave...I just can't believe this is finally happening.

Today, we did a trial run for packing the car; I was a flood of emotions. I can't believe this is finally happening...

We leave bright and early tomorrow morning! Can you believe it???? It was a very busy day of last minute errands. But, I did manage to sneak a pedicure in!

Ben was in charge of installing the carseat (with some help from his best buddy).

Do you know what it's like for a woman with an empty womb to see a carseat installed in the backseat of her car? There aren't words. Even now I choke back sobs. I can't believe this is finally happening...

We are very sleepy after a long day of cleaning, planning, and packing. But TOMORROW IS THE DAY! Tomorrow, officially begins the journey of our LIFE.


I promise to keep you updated, as we go! We will be driving 5 hours tomorrow to spend the night with my BFF, who not only moved recently, but also had a baby boy a few days ago! We'll have 9 hours in the car on Monday and 9 hours on Tuesday. If everything goes according to plan we'll arrive in Rebekah's hometown Tuesday night. I hear we have a mountain of paperwork to fill out on Wednesday. We'll also take some time to get settled in our cottage and take Rebekah and her sister to dinner.

Birth day we'll start very early on Thursday morning (6 am!!)

Every location we'll be at has wireless internet, so my laptop will be within reach! Please keep us in your prayers. We still do not have signed TPR paperwork from the birth father.

For now...this is goodbye! The best part of the story to come...

Day 409

Sweet Child of Mine

Rebekah & Baby News...
Little baby boy is healthy and growing. So much so, that the poor little guy is smushed up against the placenta wall. Nurse had a hard time getting a good shot, but I think he's adorable...He's being estimated to weigh 6 lbs, 14 oz! Rebekah is terribly swollen and ready for this baby to come out! It looks like she'll make the induction date, but I'm okay if he decides to come early, Rebekah seems very uncomfortable.

Birth father news...
We have exchanged 2 emails with the birth father. He loves Nascar and asked if he could buy a little racing outfit for baby boy. I couldn't say "yes" fast enough. The agency, however, has not received his paperwork...Which leaves us feeling slightly unsettled.

Rebekah & Ben News...
I don't know if it's the unknown, length of time left, or recent conversations/observations, but the nerves have definitely set in. So much so, that I convinced myself (and those around me!) that being at the hospital for the birth may not be what's best...

This whole process has been so out-of-the-box, I don't know what we're afraid of now...but we've found ourselves asking the same questions...Lord, why does this have to be so hard? Why can't we just be like everyone else?

I don't really want to admit my fears to you...I think it makes them more true...but who would I be, if I swept them under the rug? I've been overly transparent, thus far, how could I go back now?

I'm fearful of the emotions that are about to come...I'm more fearful of sharing them with a room full of strangers. What am I going to feel? Will I be pleasant or protective?...Will my heart cry for days? What if I want to run to a secret place with baby...but can't? Will I love watching his family cradle him or will I envy their time? Will I feel lonely? Will I belong? What if Ben leaves my side? Will I crumble? What if I'm so concerned for Rebekah, yet so in love with my baby, that my heart rips in two?

He's not my son...but he is. Even after all these years of trying....waiting...anticipating, I still can't wrap my head around it.

I know things will be fine. We're survivers. We do what needs to be done...and try to think of others first, along the way. Sometimes...we just have to keep running and squash the fears as we go. When I talk to Rebekah, I don't have a care in the world. We truly are that good of friends. It doesn't matter whether it's 5 minutes or 5 hours. It's just right.

We hung up, tonight, and I thought, "What am I so freaked out about? I love this woman...and I know that she loves me. It will be nothing but sweet..."

But, here I am, four hours later...mind a'reeling.

I hope that I'm being a dummy...that my head sees the easy-streets that friends are walking around me and naturally questions...

The deep down "me" knows that this is absolutely God's best for us...that he continues to roll out his plan before our steps...and that nothing will compare to the rush of holding our miracle in my arms for the first time.

We were recently at a wedding and one of the lines in the toast has been running through my head all day. The older married sister said to her younger, just-married sister, "I soon saw that my life-long relationship with you was really preparing me to be a wife. You didn't know it either...but you've been preparing for this day your whole life..."

I feel like that right now. Every high...every hurdle...every scream...every disappointment...every lonely night spent in tears...every magical night with Ben...every ounce of rage lashed against my heavenly Father...and every time he lovingly drew me closer...every time I sat in worship, unmoved by His voice - every time that I was...every time I laid hands on the sick and handed out blankets to the homeless...every time I cried with a friend and held the hand of a sister. Every path, every moment, has landed me here.

Unknowingly, my Father has been preparing me for this day, my entire life.

Day 405

Parker Alan was born, today, of our best friends, Chris and Meeghan! He is a 7lb 12oz sweet bundle of joy!! I had the privilege of being there and witnessing his miraculous entry into the world. Meeghan is pretty much a professional baby maker/haver. She makes it look so easy, they're always quick, and she looks like a thousand bucks. Seriously, I think if she was home she would have baked cookies for all her guests!




This is the fourth delivery I've had the honor of being a part of...and it never gets old. It is the most amazing process; it leaves me speechless every time. I always cry through the whole thing...there's just something about seeing the people you love most in so much pain. It just rips out my heart and I wish I could make it better.

It definitely felt like a trial run of what our day will be like in a couple of weeks. I didn't get to hold baby Parker much, today, there's always a large fan club, and you don't dare stand in the way of grandmas, but it did stir my heart. Very soon, I will no longer be holding someone else's baby... what will that be like? ...it's always someone else's day, someone else's baby.

I'd be lying if part of me didn't wonder what it would be like to be able to produce such miracles. I know part of Ben's heart was shadowed by sadness, today, at the thought that this will never be us. I try to squash the feelings. A) We have no idea what the future holds and B) There's nothing we can do about any of it.

This whole thing is just so much work. The process, the waiting, the emotions. We're so tired. Someone asked me the other day if we'd adopt again...and I just don't have the mental capacity to even entertain the idea. I want a big family, with lots of babies, but I don't know that I could ever do this again. It has all been so complicated, for us. So exhausting...

For now, we're concentrated one sweet baby boy, who should join our family any day...




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Go check out Meeghan's blog. She's also doing the Sling and Swaddle Contest - 30 Moms for 30 days. You can follow her on Twitter to see how she's using/liking the products!

While I'm giving shout-outs I also wanted to officially welcome two other friends to blog world. Ben's Mom, Nancy, has started a blog. She's an amazing woman of God and posts words of encouragement almost everyday! I'm sure there will be lots of Baby Boy stories to come as she'll be watching him after my maternity leave...

...And Plaid with Polka Dots. Like so many of us, they are playing the adoption waiting game and could use a boost of blog world encouragement!

Day 403

My sweet, sweet baby boy...you have made a footprint on my heart.

Rebekah had a doctor's appointment, today, which landed her in the hospital...again. I think she likes to make my heart race. I didn't freak out nearly as much, this time. We're packed and ready to go... we would, however, miss the birth, so we're praying that baby boy sits tight for a couple more weeks!

Rebekah and baby are doing good. Rebekah was having sharp abdominal pain and the doctor's office thought she may have a ruptured placenta. Some quick testing revealed that the placenta was fine, but that she is contracting (even though she hasn't felt much). She wasn't admitted - not severe enough. I think they chalked the pain up to muscle spasms.

I'm so nervous we're not going to make it...but so THRILLED that he wants to come. I can't wait to shower those precious feet with kisses.

EEEEEK! We're so excited! :)

Day 401

"This is all way beyond our maturity level."

Ben's exact words when we hung up the phone, after a very lengthy conversation with baby boy's birth father, last night.

I'll come back to that in a second, but first I have to share something with you about our faith.

I Corinthians 13 says:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

Ben and I led a small group, within our church, not too long ago and we had t-shirts made that advertised the above verse on the back and "Live to Love" on the front. It became the focus of our group as we strategically made efforts to love the people around us at work, at home, and in our communities.

Casting Crowns wrote one of our favorite songs. The chorus sings:

If we are the Body
Why aren't His arms reaching
Why aren't His hands healing
Why aren't His words teaching

And if we are the Body
Why aren't His feet going
Why is His love not showing them there is a way
Jesus is the way

Ben and I full-heartedly believe that as the Body of Christ, we should be living to love. All the time. Every situation, every encounter, should be viewed as an opportunity...as an opportunity to be Jesus. We don't ever want to be accused of not reaching...healing...teaching...going. We want our actions to show that Jesus is the way....

That being said. Nothing about this adoption process has been within our control...nothing. I don't know if it's our personalities...the leading of the holy spirit...a lifelong relationship with the Father...or simply, awe of the whole situation, but the minute we received "the call" from the agency, it has been easy to trust God. Which is ironic, given my sabbatical from talking to him...

I think deep down there was just an inner knowing in my heart that he had a plan.

I imagine that one of the blessings of adoption is the fact that we did not create this baby....he is not ours. Therefore, it is easy to trust God with his life - as we should. ALL children belong to the Lord, we are just given the privilege of taking care of them. So who am I to stand in the way of what God has planned....what he's doing...with his son? Because we're ignorant to finite details, we have to roll with the punches and trust that the Holy Spirit is guiding our steps.

Back to last night's phone conversation.

Up until two days ago we had yet to hear anything from the birth father. He asked to talk with us and we were more than willing. Last night, Ben's fingers dialed his number nervously, as my stomach did flip-flops. There is no manual for this, Take 5.

We had a great conversation.

I was so moved to compassion for this man. He cried through most of his words, explaining that although he couldn't take care of a newborn, he wanted his son to grow up knowing how much he cared. Without second guessing and only a few minutes of talking, we offered him all the privileges we've given to Rebekah (in regards to openness). We've spent months connecting with Rebekah and falling in love with her family. In a matter of one 60 minute phone conversation our hearts equally spilled for this man and his family. It can't be explained apart from our Father. At the end of our conversation he asked if we would be willing to come to his house for a family dinner, once the baby is born. It only took one knowing glance from Ben to say, "Absolutely. We'll be in town for 2-3 weeks, you're welcome to see baby boy as much as you'd like."

There are many details to the story that I don't feel at liberty to share, but the underlining thread screams God's redemption.

I was telling someone the story, this morning, and they said, "You agreed to a family dinner? Are you really gonna want to do that? It seems very awkward." In the recesses of my mind, I quietly heard, why is his love not showing them there is a way...

This story...our story...God's story...is so much bigger than us. Ben's right. We are dealing with issues way beyond our maturity level...but we're rolling with it. We continue to walk in complete peace. And I mean complete. I've written this before. I am not concerned; I have no worries; I do not feel threatened by the presence of baby boy's family in his life. I mean this kid has more parents, grandparents, and siblings than anyone I know - all wanting to share in his life. Who am I to deny such love?

We don't know what God's doing here, but we are leaving every opportunity open. This miracle baby boy will be a walking testimony. As his parents, it's our job to release him into God's potential for his life. We take our job seriously, even though we've yet to meet him. We know we're in uncharted waters...we know that our actions defy the natural. All we can do is strive for love, at all costs, and see what God will do.

Love never fails.