Pieces of Me

My leave-taking from this space was unintended. As it turns out, raising five kids, is tough.

Really tough.

And it's not just because none of them pee without spraying the toilet first.

Somewhere in the meal-making, clothes folding, hair cutting, appointment driving, T-ball cheering, and job going cycle, my identity became singular in focus and so many of my favorite attributes shelved themselves.

It wasn't like this happened overnight. The changes came slowly and, mostly, I was able to re-adjust to each new state of crazy, while living content.

I am a career mama by choice and the sacrifices I've made in that area have probably been the hardest. As challenges and opportunities in the workplace have surfaced, the terms always remain constant. I only have a small portion to give and it has to be enough...even when it's not.

I understand the big picture. And, more importantly, I know who drew it.

I know this time is temporary and fleeting. The sweetest moments will stand out best and we might ask for the clock to reverse. I'm not chasing after tomorrow or glossing over the giggles and kisses today.

But, I do stand in front of the mirror, wondering about the girl who stares back.

Her clothes are wrinkly and hair unkept. Showers, meaningful conversations, and self-investment are luxuries often missed. Apart from Jesus and family - so many things she loves are far from close.

Her dreams are dusty.

A few weeks ago I sat on our back hill and let the tears stream. Ben came and laid his head on my lap and we talked, quietly. I appreciate the steadiness of our marriage. We never rest in the challenges of the day or swap faith for fear. We release our shortcomings to the night and rise in victory with the freshness of morning. Rarely does our frustration attack the other.

So, when it comes to identity, how do I reconcile uneven footing, when my faith and marriage test strong? It's a good life when your God and husband are wild about you...and you know it.

Yet, I look around...and there are pieces of me everywhere and no real plan for resolve. And I plan for everything.

I'm not going to lie, it's unsettling.

Ben and I spent last week in a remote chalet in the Smoky Mountains.

Ahhhhmazing.

My family took our kids and gifted us several days of solitude. I didn't know how desperate we were for the fill-up, until we got away. Renewal drenched every part - body, soul, and spirit.

I spent a lot of time reading my Bible and shaving my legs.

Although my pieces are still here and there and my day-to-day hasn't changed, I am anchored in Colossians 1:17. He [Jesus] is before all things, and in him all things hold together.

What a relief.

My pieces aren't missing! Some are just...well, sort of stretched out of sight, with supernatural elasti-glue.

The adventure of it teases me with promise. While the picture grows with each fixed section, how many fragments dangle in shadows waiting for discovery?

Some pieces won't fit for a long time; others will surface easily.

But, they're all here...

.....even if the baby dunks them in the bathtub or they double as artwork for a season.