Stretching

God has really been stretching me this month in more ways than one.

In the beginning of the year, I made several small goals to keep me focused in 2012, but I have been concentrating my efforts most on living and walking in the Spirit. I made some radical changes to my evening routine to free up time to read, pray, and listen to the voice of God.

One of my prayers has been, "Lord, use me...in your way...your capacity."

The dichotomy, here, is that a couple days ago I found myself crying, Lord why do you have to use me? He quickly reminded me of my earlier prayer and soothed my discomfort in the situation he was asking me to navigate. Has that ever happened to you before?

I think about exercise. Running and mountain biking are the fun part. Scratch that. There is nothing fun about running. I'll stick with what I know and enjoy! Racing down a winding trail in the woods is the thrilling part of riding. It's the part I enjoy. The stretching beforehand is what becomes tedious, seemingly needless, and uncomfortable if you're like me and can't touch your own toes.

That's how I view my relationship with God. I am so quick to want the fun tasks, but when it comes time to stretch, I've run out of patience.

I don't want to be that way, anymore. No matter what lessons God takes me through, I want to be a quick-study, learning all that is necessary to equip me for the task at hand.

Part of my stretching this month involves trusting God for our family. I am such a control-monster that this becomes a daily hand-over during my prayer time. (sidenote: it really bothers me when people tell me that no one has control over family-planning...).

Thankfully, my morning dose of God-juice is working because I seem to be pleasant and peaceful to those around me and haven't contacted our agency once with questions or concerns during our wait. We are still waiting on our license, so I have no news to report on the two siblings. They may or may not still be looking for families, I haven't asked (ignorance is bliss).

In the meantime, we've been contacted by two friends of friends of friends that know expectant mothers thinking about adoption. We've had many of these conversations in the past and we always end up encouraging/ministering to the families involved, providing them with open, honest information about adoption. We've never adopted a baby from one of these families (obviously), but we're okay with that. God has given us a platform to represent Truth and, rightfully so, there's no room on stage for agendas.

The waiting can be discouraging sometimes, but Tyrus is a live-in picture of God's faithfulness. I hold on to him and the picture when doubt tries to wiggle its way in. God knows my heart and has called us to his purpose. That's enough for me!

Contacted

We were contacted, today, about a possible placement.

Ben and I don't see eye to eye...

Thankfully, we've navigated difficult adoption conversations before and are able to mediate our own arguments discussions by listening to what the other person has to say and not discrediting the value their input adds. The problem with me is that I am extremely passionate and quick to my feet when it comes time for decisions. I lead with my heart and run full force into the things I'm passionate about. The problem with Ben? He needs more passion [smile].

I love and respect my husband more than anyone else. He is logical and loving and firm. He never makes decisions without careful thought and calculation (avoid car shopping with him at all costs). His voice of reason is an important part of my decision making.

After tonight's conversation, we both feel right. Instead of getting frustrated or ruffled, I told him how much I appreciated his insight (I do) and that we'll trust God for the answer.

I left the room and started praying a mile a minute. Lord. If these children are part of your plan for our lives, open Ben's heart and impart wisdom...

I don't ever want to convince Ben to adopt. This is a partnership and of all the decisions we'll make together, these are important ones. We have to be united.

It's a win-win for me. If I'm right, then, God does all the work. He will do the convincing...not me. If I'm wrong, our kids are still out there.

As it turns out, because parental rights have not been terminated on these kids and because we have yet to be licensed to foster, we're not able to see their profiles. Our licensing worker is pushing our case through so that it can be completed, quickly.

Hopefully, we'll get to read through the profiles, in the next couple of weeks. But, frankly, I have no idea what "quickly" means. For now, we only have a few pieces of information to go on. The weightiest comment for me was from our licensing worker (whom I adore), "My supervisor and I think they are an ideal placement and a good fit for your family."

Man...there's so much trusting in this process! While we are blindly spoon-fed details, I'm thankful for that drunken peace from my last post. I'm going to need it! 

Unlocking Peace

Forget buying the overpriced holy water, I've discovered the secret to peace.

Digging into the Word of God.

That should be a no-brainer, but I always seem to let other things get in the way of communing with God - laundry, bills, work, tv, exercising. My time (for just me) is limited to a couple hours each night and because I'm usually so exhausted, my laziness pushes me to the tv and laptop.

We're only 11 days into the new year and I ashamedly admit, I've read my bible more in the last two weeks than in the last two years. I made it a priority this year. And you know what?

I am FULL of hope.

I feel my insides oozing out. I have more kindness for my husband, more patience for my baby boy, more energy for my employer, and more song in my heart for my Savior. It's amazing how that works...

My faith meter is off the charts and I am so drunk with peace I could sell it.

I write all this to say, if you're struggling right now in your faith, ditch your tv routine and spend your time filling your heart with his words. Watch what God will do.

We celebrated victory, tonight, after our last home visit by the foster licensing worker. Our adoption home study is complete and our license should be approved by the end of the month. Both our licensing worker and adoption worker have been such advocates for our family. Tonight the licensing worker said, "We brought in a sibling group, this week, that would be perfect for your family. Unfortunately, it won't work out because of the timing of your license..." she went on to tell us about the children. Even though these sweet kiddos won't be coming home to our family, I was so encouraged to hear her say that she thought of us! Later in the conversation she made reference to our adoption worker and noted that she "checks the registry every week, looking for a placement for you guys."

All the while, I've been, tapping my foot over here, waiting to hear something, ANYTHING, but forcing myself to be patient and trust the process (refusing to bug either worker with pesky emails/calls). The idleness was driving me batty, so I launched into full networking mode (I plan to do a series of blogs on this, soon). I chalked the agency's silence up to busy case workers with overwhelming loads.

So...to hear our licensing worker, tonight, mention twice that her and our adoption worker our thinking of us was such an encouragement to my heart. The Holy Spirit used her earthly words to whisper, "See...I'm moving. Keep trusting..."

That's exactly what I'm going to do. I'm going to keep reading; keep trusting; and keep praying for our kids!

Spinach Omelets & Super Faith

I had a rough day, today. No real reason in particular.

Maybe it was the back to work blues or the pregnancy announcements over break or the frustration of waiting for news that doesn't seem to exist or the cheese-less, egg whites and spinach omelet I had for breakfast. Who knows?

But I felt the blahs.

I tried commiserating with friends, but they were still drinking in the new year cheer and only offered words of hope that put more grump in my hump (I'm not even sure what that means).

Of course, my dampened mood was lightened when Ty came running to the door and greeted my face with kisses and said, "Mom, I pay you to kiss me!" [He got a new cash register for Christmas and loves to give away all the money so that we can purchase items as customers]. Where kissed are involved - I'm all in!

After spending a night "shopping" through Ty's toys, I was reminded of my prayer to live beyond ordinary. Living an ordinary life is easy. It's popular and everyday. Most people are doing it.

I want my life to be extraordinary...exceptional...spectacular!

It's too bad the "extra" requires time and patience and character. It beckons me to commune with God and to view the world through supernatural, God-fearing lenses. The payout, of course, is worthwhile, but the growing pains can be uncomfortable.

I wish I wasn't such a child when it comes to waiting and trusting...

There are so many areas of my life that I'm trusting God for, right now. So much so, that I whittled my new year's goals down to two.

1. Move more and eat less (hence the afore mentioned spinach omelet)
2. Live beyond my natural ability (inspired by John Bevere)

Psalm 139:16 says, "Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed."

We won't be judged by what we did. We'll be judged on what we were called to do.                                             ~  JOHN BEVERE

In order to do all the things I know God has called me to do, I have to stop living in my own ability and start walking in the full power of God.

I am stirred and encouraged even as I type. This is going to be a good year. I am going to run after the Father with everything in me. I'm going to read my Bible more than I watch TV, pray more than I worry, give more than I get, and love beyond what's deserved.

With so many things outside my control, it feels really good to throw my energy into something that I can control...me.

I'm looking forward to the change along the way. I know God's not finished with me, yet.