Anxious

Father...
My heart feels anxious, today. No real reason. Just another case of the I-want-it-my-way-right-this-minute blues. You know the kind. Most of  humanity lives there. I don't know what you're doing...I don't know the plans you have for me or my family. But, I'm making a choice to trust you. Right now; right this minute. I am choosing Jesus. 

That's it. Just wanted you to know.

Signed,
Your daughter (the one whose heart is always getting ahead of her)

Ty & Baby Jesus

I am a reflector. Not the bicycle sort, of course, but rather the thoughtful, retrospective kind. Watching our baby boy morph into a running, laughing, tackling buddy is more than enough inspiration.

Seeing him develop, right before my eyes, is the greatest privilege I've ever been given. When I see him cover his mouth to cough or put his clothes in the hamper, I know he's refinery in the making.  Our latest tradition involves the story of Christmas, which proudly boasts Jesus at its center. Ty has this puffy-people advent calendar (made by Fisher Price) and each night we pull a manger member from its pocket and place it appropriately in the stable. Baby Jesus is in pocket 25 and every night we share in his coming birth day.

I emphasize how special Baby Jesus is and that he deserves our love, lavishly. These quiet teachings have resulted in exuberant Ty-bursts throughout the day..."Bb-ee Jeesa! Bb-ee Jeesa!" he'll say and smatter the puffy pillow with kisses, before swiftly tucking him back in pocket 25. The warmness he causes to spill from my heart is too good for words.

I know it's simple, not-fully comprehending, love. But it's still love. And its existence gives me much hope for my little man's future. Not only do I aspire for him to chase after his heavenly father with all of the breath he contains, I want him to love people with the same intensity.

Ty's words are starting to flow more frequently and name variations of loved ones have ensued. He's so proud of himself when he says "Jo Jo Jo Jo" for Uncle Joe or "Do" for Uncle Drew. Phone talking has become more than a novelty and we make more frequent bedtime calls than ever before. All of these progressions make me excited for Rebekah.

She, of course, is a normal conversation piece in our home, but I know Ty has little understanding of what we're saying. I'm looking forward to the coming year's changes and the chance Ty will have to re-bond with his mom.

I know that I can't make things happen...that I can't force him to love and adore Rebekah, but my hope is that he'll live in the overflow of Ben and me. That he will love her because we love her. That he'll pray for and pursue her because we do.

I'm also hoping that this will be the year of the sibling (smile). We've had a few expectant moms inquire about our willingness to adopt, this year, but so far they have all made choices to parent (which we respect, understand, and encourage). Unless God has other plans, we'll begin the foster adoption licensing process next summer. We really want to honor birth order, so we may need to wait a long time...but I'm still holding out hope that Ty will have a playmate before next year's end.

If only he knew just how much we depend on "Baby" Jesus....

I will say, it's so much easier to trust God's hand-picking for our family this time around. Such a wonderfully, peaceful place to be.

A New Ty Video

It's been awhile since I've posted a video. I thought you might like to check in on the little man and see how fast he's growing! Ty's new favorite word is go and he uses it, appropriately, in every possible situation. If for some reason, we're not able to give him a convincing answer, his tender heart goes from concerned to distraught in seconds!

I am in love with his inquisitive spirit and his attention to detail (as you're about to see) never ceases to amaze me. I'm a busy little bee making many o' Christmas gifts, so I'll have to update you on life and love, later.

Enjoy the clip!

Ben and Barren

I'm not ready to hold a flapping, white flag, while wearing an I heart barrenness tee, but God has really worked the spirit of thankfulness into my life. Every year that I can remember, my mom makes us go around the turkey table and share the thanks in our hearts. This year, Ben and barrenness topped the list.

Naturally, Ty is an obvious joy-product of such a struggle, but my thanksgiving runs deeper. If it weren't for my barren belly, I would not be the kind of mom, wife, or God-child that I've been called to be. I see the fullness of that, now, and man! am I thankful. I'm even thankful for being thankful! The number of years wasted in deep-trenched, ungrateful pain were too many. But like most things in life, the aftermath clarity is perceptible.

My Ben is always on my long list of thanks, but this year he gets an extra measure. The man is a complete God-send. Long papers and late-night exams have consumed my life for months and Ben has never complained about the slack. He's cleaning, cooking, and grocery-ing, every week, and his double-duty efforts don't go unnoticed. When I think of all the peaks and valleys our young eight year marriage has endured, song can't help, but erupt from my heart. God is so good.

Every other week, I threaten to quit my MBA program and every other week Ben encourages me to stay strong. He, continually, strokes the embers of our family vision, while keeping the pantry well stocked with Oreos. 

I often wonder how any other man would put up with my intense passion and quirky habits. He's not at-all intimidated by my drive and doesn't flinch at the thought of adopting ten kids. How did I get so lucky? 

In a season of giving thanks and in the shadow of a horrifying event (please read and encourage sweet Vee), my heart spills over thankfulness for the barren belly that brought me Ty and for the love of the Father that brought me Ben.