FAQ: Why tell our story?

This FAQ is probably better named FCG - the most frequent criticism given.

I do post comments from critics if they are tasteful and well intended, but all others get deleted. Most deleted comments usually have to do with the openness in which I tell our story.

I've been blogging for almost seven years and since the beginning, I have often been challenged with the level of detail I share about our kids...and, to be honest, I understand the concern. Critics think their stories belong to them (not me) and hate that the world has an opportunity to make judgements on my babies. They worry that my kids will grow to resent me or my blog and be embarrassed about the story I've written.

So...why do I do it?

That's easy to answer.

Transparency bridges chasms left in the wake of defeat, destruction, and discouragement. Pain is pain and though our stories may be different, our resolve is the same. The desperation that suffocates us in the darkness, the lies that sneak up through our toes, the sheer sadness over loss on any scale are the bits of life that hold significant power over our future.

If we stuff our emotions to the quietest corners of our heart and never let God's light expose our weakness, than we never have need of him...or each other.

Conversely, if we open our book to those around us, revealing the most intimate places, genuine connections can spark revolution...and not just in our story, but all the stories that surround us.

I tell our story at near full disclosure because it changes lives and gives the love of God legs.

I didn't love any of my children upon our first meeting. In fact, the last three, left me questioning my own ability and God's calling on my life for months. I have teetered between an unhealthy balance of love and anger toward Little Miss' parents, this past year, and have given in to more moments of personal devotion than I care to admit.

My writing rhythms to these raw points of connection and makes our story believable.

Without any doubt, I can say that God has commissioned my family to tell his story and give voice to the muted. It is a story of avocation, redemption and reconciliation, but resounding love is unfolded in every layer.

That's truly the message I hope I preach.

Love never fails.

All of our kids are unique with varied personalities, but one connecting cord runs through each of them. They are sensitive and, extremely, perceptive when it comes to need. They teach me how to listen every day.

Ben and I are not the start and end to our story. In fact, it's not our story at all.

Tyrus, LJ, Sweet Boy, Little Miss, and all others to come have been hand-picked to live out this part of God's perfect plan. The six of us are together because God is the owner of time. He knows that we are more effective together than apart. He has given each of us a generous gift that contributes to his mission.

Mine just happens to come in the form of brought-together words and someday, I (alone) will be accountable for how I used my talent.

That's why I write - why I tell this story.

FAQ: Managing Insecurity and Offense

I received a lot of emails and phone calls over my "Mom" post a few weeks ago. I was a little surprised to hear that so many people were surprised that I was okay with Ty calling Rebekah, Mom. One reader wrote an extremely honest email and admitted that she would be crushed if her adopted son called his birth mom, Mom. She was writing for pointers on how to be more secure in that relationship.

We were at church, last week, and someone was admiring the boys and said, "Now, Ty is your real son, right?" I smiled and launched into our story on how both of our boys came to be. I love telling it.

I know that many adoptive parents equate adoption ignorance to cruel and intentional insults...I just don't see it that way. I take ignorance for what it is and understand that it is usually bred by curiosity.

Overall, I would say our adoption community is hyper-sensitive when it comes to talking about adoption. Parents spend more time than is necessary trying to prove their place and position...while the child never questions it. 

Before Ty was born, God gave me a revelation that has never left my mind. It was like a bright light turned on the day I realized Tyrus belongs to him. Not Rebekah. Not me.

God privileged us with the opportunity to mother him, but possession belongs to God alone. That really helped me in the early days of getting to know Rebekah. It removed the pressure of having to define our roles in ways that seemed unnatural.

Love is not finite. There is no limit to the amount you can give - or get. We always approached Ty's adoption with this attitude because we knew he could never get his "fill" of love. Rebekah's presence in Ty's life doesn't diminish mine. The same goes for her sister and mother and grandmother. Those relationships don't take away from the ones he has on our side of the family...they just add to it.

I look at Ty calling Rebekah, "Mom", the same way. He wants to call her mom because he understands the breadth of what she did for him. He understands her love and affection and wants to return it in a way that makes sense to him. It's kind of like me calling Ben's mom, mom. She's not the mother that stressed and sacrificed and poured into me for the 20 years I had before marrying Ben, but she has enriched my life in countless ways over the last 11. I call her mom because I want to show her respect, love, and admiration. My mom doesn't feel jealous, insecure, or out of place because of my acknowledgement of Ben's mom. She knows her place. She will always be my mom.

I know that not everyone has that type of relationship with their mother-in-law, but I hope it helps explain why Ty's recent choice of words doesn't bother me.

Ultimately, it comes down to my security in the Lord. I know who I am in Christ, so it's pretty easy to let insecurities roll down my back. When people use the word "real" when referring to my boys or their moms, it doesn't offend me because I know who they are to me and who I am to them. Most of the people we run into have no adoption experience. They just ask the first thing that pops into their head. I don't feel the need to make it a teaching opportunity because most of them will never run into adoption, again. Instead, I use their curiosity as a platform to tell our story and praise God for his goodness!

In just a few short days, Ty will have the opportunity to be with both of his moms and the rest of his extended Colorado family. What a wonderful reunion it will be. I can't wait to get home and tell you all about it!

Naming Adopted Kids

I want to start an FAQ series to respond to a number of questions that I get asked in emails. Today, I'm going to talk about our boys' names.

Even though we adopted Ty from birth, we were still very sensitive to Rebekah and approached the subject of naming with deference. We started by asking Rebekah if she would like to name Tyrus (who we called "Baby Boy", at the time). Rebekah's heart for us through her pregnancy was evident in everything she did. Her response was consistently, "I have done this before...I want you and Ben to have all the firsts. I don't want you miss out on this." I know the honor we offered one another in those early days is the chord of unity that still runs thick to Tyrus, today. The love he has for both of his mothers is pure, genuine, and overflowing.

I could talk about the connection Ty feels to Rebekah all day, but I'll try to stay on topic here! Once we found out that Ty was a boy, we really wanted to use Ben's grandfather's name, Tyrus. We couldn't think of a better namesake. Because we wanted Rebekah to be a part of the decision, we came up with two more names that were a close second. I think they were Maximus and Cole. We gave all three names to Rebekah and asked for her feedback. When she said she loved, Tyrus, I cried with joy. Even though she had left the decision to us, we wanted it to be a collective choice. We used "Lee" as the middle name because it held significance on both sides of our families and funny enough, both Ben and I share the middle name, as well. Had Ty been a girl, I would have absolutely used Rebekah in her name.

One of the first questions LJ's foster mom asked us was whether or not we would change his name. She admitted that she would have. Prior to PRIDE training, Ben and I probably wouldn't have thought twice about changing a young foster child's name. As it turned out, I was the volunteer for the exercise that left me with lasting impressions. The trainer had different people in the class come up to the front of the room to represent the biggest pieces of me - my family, my friends, my church, my job, my education, this blog....maybe a few others. One by one she "took" pieces a way from me until I was only left standing with my name...and then she took that. After a dramatic pause, she asked me how I felt.

Most foster children have had everything dear to them taken. Unless we adopt a child with a name that binds him to his past in an unhealthy way (I know a family that adopted a child named Dark Dragon) or the child is old enough to request a name change, we will keep our children's given first names.

I use LJ on this blog, for LJ's protection. It is not his given name, but has become a nickname that we do call him. LJ's first name remains, but we did change his middle name to Jeremiah because we love the promise that comes with it. LJ's first name starts with an "L", so LJ has become a natural nickname that he enjoys, especially because we often call Ty, "T-Y" (saying each letter). We use LJ's given name and his nick name, interchangeably. When he's writing or spelling out his name with letters, he always uses LJ, but when he introduces himself, he always uses his given name. I beam with pride when I hear him tell people his full name and he ends with an emphatic "JEREMIAH PINCH--BACK!!" He sounds like a boy that knows exactly who he is. I love it.

If we are able to adopt LJ's sister (PRAYING!), we will also keep her given name and call her Mia for short, as it is a part of her longer name. I don't think I've given an update on her in awhile....we are getting closer. Her case is moving toward termination and her, current, foster family has expressed that they do not intend to adopt. If we had been asked to adopt her a few months ago, the answer would probably have been no, but we are feeling much more settled in our family, today. We pray for Baby Mia every day and trust God for his perfect plan, recognizing that it may not include us.

We are no where near expert status in the field of adoption. Every child is different and right answers vary. I will, however, continue to share our experiences and the ways God had led us on this path, in effort to encourage your heart.

Feel free to leave your questions in the comments and I will use them for upcoming FAQs!

Q&A: Birth Mom Terminology

Christa's Question:

You know, as I go through the process of adoption I wonder what we should call our birthparents in front of our child. To say "birth" mother would raise questions about birth itself and at Ty's age I wouldn't want to explain the birds and the bees. "Biological" seems too big of a word but even "first" mom doesn't sound right. It implies you're second and may also imply there would be more moms to come after you, like a third and a fourth mom, at least from a child's way of thinking. "Real" mom to me is inappropriate and something I would never use because to me we're both real. Neither mother is fake. My social worker recommended using "biological" but I was wondering whether you and Ben struggled with the same ideas of introducing adoption terms to Ty. 

When Ben and I first dipped our toes into adopting waters, we asked a lot of the same questions and I don't know that we had answers pre-Ty. For me, adoption is such a progressive process that continuously changes the way I view my family and the world. Ben and I are super laid-back people and we decided from the beginning that the topic of adoption would be wide open conversation in and out of our home. Rebekah and her family are an extension of ours and we talk about them often.

When it comes to adoption lingo, I believe that it, truly, comes down to security. If you are secure in your role as mother, than there is no threat in terminology. We did ask Rebekah in the beginning of our friendship what she envisioned Ty calling her. It was her idea to use "Miss Rebekah" and whether we called her Ty's birth mother or first mother, she didn't have a preference.

Today, we use them all interchangeably. Because Ty understands Rebekah's place in his life (as much as he can at 2 1/2), when him and I talk about her, I simply say, "Miss Rebekah". If I'm talking about Rebekah with friends I call her by name, but if I'm talking about her to someone that doesn't know our story well, I most often refer to her as "Ty's mom."

The use of Ty's mom, used to bug some people around me, but I have never been threatened by it. She is Ty's mom and deserves to be referred to as such. Calling her mom, doesn't make me feel any less the role.

When Ty talks about Rebekah, he often says "My first mama," which I find completely endearing. It warms my heart every time I hear those words. For me, it represents a well-rounded kid that understands his beginning, as well as his present.

So far, Ty has not experienced confusion. He loves Rebekah because we love her and talks positively about adoption because we do. Open dialog and God-centered confidence make the complications of adoption a natural topic in our home.



If you have a question, feel free to leave it in the comments or email me directly. I am certainly not an expert, but will write openly and honestly from our experiences so far.