Black History Month

I, ashamedly, admit that this year is the first year that I, seriously, and thoughtfully, celebrated Black History Month. Bringing LJ home has altered my world view in all the best ways. It has forced me to look at life through a new lens. A lens that encourages diversity and steps outside my cultural boundaries.

I don't want either of my boys to grow up in a world surrounded by people that look like Ben and I. In fact, I have made a conscious effort to make friendships outside of my community. We even made a difficult decision to leave our home church to attend an extremely diverse church, closer to the city.

At the top of the month, I listened to a presentation on Dr. King. I found myself so pulled in by his life. I have heard the stories and speeches before....but this time was different because I'm different. This time I am parenting a black son. A son who several decades ago wouldn't have been given the same rights as his brother.

Last week, I attended an African-American Literature read-in. All of the literature being read was written by black men or women. Again, I found myself riveted by their stories. So much so, that I immediately went and bought several books, including Maya Angelou's, I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings.

I'm not trying to force myself to be something I'm not. Rather, I feel this strong connection to black history, now, because of LJ. It's embarrassing to admit, because I should have been interested all along. It shouldn't take mothering a black son to care about the sacrifices that were made for me to live in the world as I know it. Before it was just history...and I wasn't that into it. Now it's legacy. And I can't get enough.

Although, we have come so far, I am acutely aware of the racism that still exists. And, sadly, the forms I encounter don't realize their error. When I hear a family say they would never adopt a black child or overhear a young woman say she couldn't date a black man or listen to a student try to reason with the class on why Tiana does not belong among the Disney princesses, I am stunned. Those words would have made me uncomfortable before...but, now, they make me downright angry.

The mama bear in me roars up.

I hope my son never hears such a comment in his life time. God will not judge him on his race, but his character...his actions...his love.

Thankfully, such ignorance seems to be few and far between. Most people are loving and accepting of our family. I am thankful that God has expanded my worldview and given me a hunger for knowledge. When I am talking to my boys about faith and leadership, sacrifice and honor, I am thrilled to have diverse examples.

It's such a true picture of who God is.

Colorado

We had a wonderful visit with Rebekah, this past weekend.

As soon as we arrived at the mountains, Ben said, "Don't you feel like this is our town?" There is a drawing sense of home when we enter the Springs. The streets are familiar; memory and family tangle together, welcoming us back.

Ty was a little overwhelmed with the amount of love and people, when we first arrived, but he, quickly, fell into the fold and enjoyed being re-introduced to his first family.

Hands-down, the best part of the trip was watching Ty interact with Rebekah. He had the chance to ask his most burning question - "What did you eat when I was in your belly?"

 

Watching Ty interact and play with his siblings was warming to the heart. It turns out that his oldest brother shares the same tender spirit. 

I continue to marvel at Rebekah's zest for life and joyful outlook. Ty will only grow to appreciate her more as he gets to know her.

 What a treasure.

(LJ did GREAT. He stayed home with our best friends and only asked about us on our last night apart. He barreled into Ty as soon as we got home and said, "Tyrus! Tyrus! My brother is home!" It was a great weekend with sweet reunions on both ends).

FAQ: Managing Insecurity and Offense

I received a lot of emails and phone calls over my "Mom" post a few weeks ago. I was a little surprised to hear that so many people were surprised that I was okay with Ty calling Rebekah, Mom. One reader wrote an extremely honest email and admitted that she would be crushed if her adopted son called his birth mom, Mom. She was writing for pointers on how to be more secure in that relationship.

We were at church, last week, and someone was admiring the boys and said, "Now, Ty is your real son, right?" I smiled and launched into our story on how both of our boys came to be. I love telling it.

I know that many adoptive parents equate adoption ignorance to cruel and intentional insults...I just don't see it that way. I take ignorance for what it is and understand that it is usually bred by curiosity.

Overall, I would say our adoption community is hyper-sensitive when it comes to talking about adoption. Parents spend more time than is necessary trying to prove their place and position...while the child never questions it. 

Before Ty was born, God gave me a revelation that has never left my mind. It was like a bright light turned on the day I realized Tyrus belongs to him. Not Rebekah. Not me.

God privileged us with the opportunity to mother him, but possession belongs to God alone. That really helped me in the early days of getting to know Rebekah. It removed the pressure of having to define our roles in ways that seemed unnatural.

Love is not finite. There is no limit to the amount you can give - or get. We always approached Ty's adoption with this attitude because we knew he could never get his "fill" of love. Rebekah's presence in Ty's life doesn't diminish mine. The same goes for her sister and mother and grandmother. Those relationships don't take away from the ones he has on our side of the family...they just add to it.

I look at Ty calling Rebekah, "Mom", the same way. He wants to call her mom because he understands the breadth of what she did for him. He understands her love and affection and wants to return it in a way that makes sense to him. It's kind of like me calling Ben's mom, mom. She's not the mother that stressed and sacrificed and poured into me for the 20 years I had before marrying Ben, but she has enriched my life in countless ways over the last 11. I call her mom because I want to show her respect, love, and admiration. My mom doesn't feel jealous, insecure, or out of place because of my acknowledgement of Ben's mom. She knows her place. She will always be my mom.

I know that not everyone has that type of relationship with their mother-in-law, but I hope it helps explain why Ty's recent choice of words doesn't bother me.

Ultimately, it comes down to my security in the Lord. I know who I am in Christ, so it's pretty easy to let insecurities roll down my back. When people use the word "real" when referring to my boys or their moms, it doesn't offend me because I know who they are to me and who I am to them. Most of the people we run into have no adoption experience. They just ask the first thing that pops into their head. I don't feel the need to make it a teaching opportunity because most of them will never run into adoption, again. Instead, I use their curiosity as a platform to tell our story and praise God for his goodness!

In just a few short days, Ty will have the opportunity to be with both of his moms and the rest of his extended Colorado family. What a wonderful reunion it will be. I can't wait to get home and tell you all about it!

Doing More. Dreaming Big.

Whether you make new year resolutions/goals or not, I would like to challenge you in something, this year.

Give to a greater capacity. 

I just finished reading an amazing (must-read) book, called "In a Heartbeat: Sharing the power of Cheerful Giving". It is written by the adoptive parents of Michael Oher, Leigh Anne and Sean Tuohy (The Blind Side).

I am not being paid to do this. I got this book for Christmas and was glued to every page. This family did much more than adopt a teenage boy who had slipped through the cracks of a broken foster care system. Their lives have been an act of giving, before and after Michael.

They write (Page 262):

When we see children - children who have previously been invisible - and see them not just with our eyes but with our hearts and in our souls, it's one of the most critical gifts we can give. If Michael, with all of his potential could go missing, then how many other bright, wonderful kids are slipping through the cracks because people don't notice them?

It's not just about adoption. Yes, we need more people to rise up and fill a need. Yes, if one family from every church in America agreed to take one child we could eliminate the registry of waiting children. But, what about the kids that never land in foster care? What about the kids whose neglect isn't as visible?

There are so many parts in this book that moved me to tears. One was when Michael is a freshmen in college and his parents tell him to bring home any of his teammates that don't have family or homes in which to spend the holidays. Michael brings home 25 players. Their spirit of giving is contagious and was built into their children. I am so inspired to reach further and love harder.

Sometimes Ben and I talk about being "done", once we adopt a little sister or sisters for the boys, but then on days like, today, Ben will say, "Do you really ever envision us not raising kids?" We were talking about what life would be like one day when the kids are all grown up. We don't foresee us having an empty house. There's too much to do. Too many babies (big and small) that need love.

We have been house hunting for nearly a year. Our little condo has served us for ten years, but it has reached capacity! We have had two realtors and both would tell you that I am high maintenance. It's more than just a home to me. I am looking for a sanctuary. A place to hold as many beds as possible. There has to be enough room for our kids to be loud and crazy and have room to explore. There has to be room to hold impromptu worship services and prayer sessions. I need a dining room table that seats a minimum of ten. Because I only have a glimpse at what God is doing, I have to be prepared. Of course, my list of must-haves must also fit within a tight budget. But, that's where I trust God.

Our pastor once said, "If you can accomplish your dreams on your own, they're not big enough." That word burrowed deep into the secret place of my heart. I am asking God for BIG things. I am asking him to use me in ways that don't make sense in the natural. I want to be a supernatural giver. Every area of my life.

Won't you join me, this year, in looking for extra ways to give (and tell me about them when you find them!)?

Let's see what God will do.

Mom

Rebekah sent Ty a photobook for Christmas. It's Ty's favorite gift.

Every day he says, "Mom, can I look at my special book?" or "I'm going to put my special book in my special box."

Ty and I have gone to a deeper level in our mother/son relationship.

It was during the week of Christmas. We were sitting on the couch and I was dialing Rebekah when I said, "Come here, babe, we're gonna call Miss Rebekah."

He looked right in my eyes and said, "Mom, I'm going to call her Mom, now, because she's my first mom."

If words could, physically, touch my heart, his did.

All our moments came rushing to me...

I was not envious or insecure or hurt.

I was proud.

In that instant, my baby boy stood as tall as a man. He was secure in my love for him and expressing his love for Rebekah.

I know my job is far from done, but in that moment I felt it was.

Despite our weakness and impatience and miss-the-mark days, Ben and I managed to teach our son how to love beyond himself.

In just a few weeks we will board a plane to Colorado and my sweet Ty will get to call Rebekah "Mom", in person.

The thought brings tears to my eyes.

I will never forget the day we stood in Rebekah's apartment. I watched her say goodbye to her son and kiss every part of his exposed skin. We hugged each other, tightly...afraid to let go. With tears in our eyes, we stood still for a moment and I said, "I will thank you with his life."

She nodded, overtaken with sadness, and let us go.

All of the kind words in the world could never thank Rebekah, enough, for allowing us to raise her son. I am hoping this visit, more than the ones that have been before it, will prove our love for her through Ty's thoughtful words and tender heart.

I know it's our story, but somedays I still can't believe I'm living it.

My mama heart is so full of love for my family.

Christmas Vacation

We had a really fantastic Christmas with the boys. I wouldn't call it relaxing...but life isn't such with two three year olds running around! We went snow tubing, swimming at the aquatic center, experienced our first 3D movie, stayed up late, spent our mornings in pjs, and had hours of quality time with family and friends. Here are a few of my favorite shots from the week.

One of our goals for 2013 is to find the boys a little sister. We feel settled...and ready. I got right to work on that, today, when I emailed our Michigan Adoption Resource Exchange, inquiring about three precious brothers that I have been praying for since I saw them months ago. I was afraid they were going to be split up for waiting so long. I received a call back within a couple of hours letting me know that a family had just been identified. I rejoiced for the boys and said a little prayer of thankfulness. The thought of mothering five boys under the age of 3 was a little daunting!

We are excited for the new year and waiting in anticipation to see how God will use us!

Ty's Special Box

You probably don't remember this box.


I purchased it months before sweet Ty ever came home. I wanted him to have a special box to collect all the mementos of his story. There are pictures, letters, cards, and special gifts from Rebekah and her family in this box. It wasn't that I had forgotten about the box (I add pieces to it every year), but I hadn't thought about the timing of showing it to Ty. One day we were in his closet and Ty said, "Mom what is that up there?"

I carefully brought it down and said, "You know what buddy. This is a very special box. Let's go sit down in the living room and I'll tell you about it." I explained that it was the place that I put everything sent to him by his birth family. I got tears in my eyes when I opened it up and together we went through every piece.

There was a DVD in there that I had forgotten about. Rebekah made it for Ben for his first Father's Day (we hadn't left Colorado, yet). We immediately put it in and watched it together, as a family. Ben and I cried watching the combination of hospital pictures and video clips. Ty asked a hundred questions and was so excited to see "baby Ty".

As we walked through the years of Ty's life in his special box, we read every card and looked at every picture. I explained who each person was and whether or not Ty had met them before. The only thing I didn't let Ty do was to open the letters Rebekah has written him. They are still sealed and I want him to be the first person to read them...not me. There are plenty of other cards and notes to read.

It's been about a month since we looked through the box for the first time. Now, Ty asks me, every few days if he can get it down. I snapped these shots, yesterday.

We are going to Colorado in February and my heart is bursting for that time to come sooner. Ty has such a strong handle on his story and the people in it. To be able to put faces to their names is going to be so special.

I love the story God has written for this little boy.