Court Day

Friday cannot come sooner for me.

Friday is LJ's adoption court hearing.

It is an exciting day for our family, but for me it's only affirming what I already know to be true. For LJ, however, it's a re-write for his future. A formalized decree that will hopefully soothe his insecure heart. We have been talking about his "adoption day" for a couple of weeks, now. We wanted to prepare him for what could seem scary, but also help him understand what this day will mean for his place in our family. It helps give teeth to forever.

He is not an introvert by any means, but when it comes to emotional expression, he is stunted. Even at three, it's clear that he has mastered the ability to gloss over heartache and ignore challenging conversation....but, we are working on that!

Up until the last couple of days, he hadn't said anything about his court date and wouldn't participate in our conversation about it at the dinner table. On Sunday, we put him to bed a few minutes early for an act of disobedience. After a couple of minutes, I could still hear his quiet sobs. I went in and sat on his bed and put my hand on his chest. The conversation went something like, "Honey...I know today was a tough day for you. But you know what? You are a GOOD boy. And tomorrow is a new day. Mommy and Daddy love you very much and we are so glad that you are in our family." We sat for a few minutes in silence, while I rubbed his head and patted his belly. He then looked right at me and said, "Mom. I want to go to court tomorrow."

His words grip my heart. I knew it was his way of saying, "I'm insecure" or even worse, "I'm still afraid you might give me back."

I hugged him tight, whispered more lovelies, and told him we only had a few more days to wait.

The injustice of what has been done to this precious boy's heart makes me angrier than I've ever been. This is my son. And he's three. He is battling insecurities that his brother will never experience in his lifetime. It's just not right.

This little boy deserves more. And we are going to give it to him!

Only a few more days...

...and LJ will have his forever family.

Finalization

We got word, last week, that LJ's adoption finalization will be next Friday, November 2nd! We are really excited to celebrate such a special day. We have been talking about it to help LJ understand what will be happening and to ease any insecurity that the courthouse might bring. The first couple of times I brought it up he didn't say anything, but yesterday on our way to church he said, "Mom, are we going to court to be a family?"

His little voice pierced my heart and reminded me that this sweet boy knows and understands more than he lets on. I did call and invite LJ's G-Mama. She responded that she would let me know...I haven't heard back. Either way, I'm not going to tell LJ. No reason to stir up emotion if she doesn't make it.

This baby boy has added so much flavor to our family. He is a direct blessing from God and makes every corner of my heart smile.

The Sharing Bag

Ty was so excited that he was selected for the sharing bag at preschool, this week. He must have asked me ten times before dinner when we were going to work on it; I am not sure the last time I saw him so excited. The letter inside the bag explained that he was supposed to select an item that had special meaning and come up with three clues, so that his classmates could try to guess his item, before the big reveal.

Ty selected the book Rebekah recorded for him on his first birthday. I wrote the clues in picture form on big pieces of paper, so that Ty could pull them out one-by-one and "read" them. Ben and I were taken with his excitement and eagerness to practice the clues - It's a rectangle...It has pictures...It's something you can read.

I explained to Ty that once his classmates guessed his special item, that his teacher would ask why it was so special to him. It was really sweet to hear Ty explain that he is adopted and that his first mama lives in Colorado and took care of him in her belly. I wish more than anything I could have been in the room for his big moment...to hear him explain his story to his three year old peers.

Because LJ was so new to our family, we did have a meeting with the teachers, before school started, to talk about our concerns and the ways we have found to reinforce security in LJ. In that meeting, I mentioned that both boys are adopted, but we didn't get into much detail about their adoption stories or that we have a relationship with Ty's birth family. I am so curious as to what he said and if it made sense...I did not see the morning teacher when I picked the boys up in the afternoon. I will, definitely, inquire about it, next week, at drop off.

Whether it was a cohesive conversation or not, I am just thankful that Ty is so proud of his story. Tomorrow happens to be Rebekah's birthday and I wanted to share this cute video of the boys singing happy birthday. They pretty much melt my heart with every word.

My life is richer than I ever dreamed it could be.

Naming Adopted Kids

I want to start an FAQ series to respond to a number of questions that I get asked in emails. Today, I'm going to talk about our boys' names.

Even though we adopted Ty from birth, we were still very sensitive to Rebekah and approached the subject of naming with deference. We started by asking Rebekah if she would like to name Tyrus (who we called "Baby Boy", at the time). Rebekah's heart for us through her pregnancy was evident in everything she did. Her response was consistently, "I have done this before...I want you and Ben to have all the firsts. I don't want you miss out on this." I know the honor we offered one another in those early days is the chord of unity that still runs thick to Tyrus, today. The love he has for both of his mothers is pure, genuine, and overflowing.

I could talk about the connection Ty feels to Rebekah all day, but I'll try to stay on topic here! Once we found out that Ty was a boy, we really wanted to use Ben's grandfather's name, Tyrus. We couldn't think of a better namesake. Because we wanted Rebekah to be a part of the decision, we came up with two more names that were a close second. I think they were Maximus and Cole. We gave all three names to Rebekah and asked for her feedback. When she said she loved, Tyrus, I cried with joy. Even though she had left the decision to us, we wanted it to be a collective choice. We used "Lee" as the middle name because it held significance on both sides of our families and funny enough, both Ben and I share the middle name, as well. Had Ty been a girl, I would have absolutely used Rebekah in her name.

One of the first questions LJ's foster mom asked us was whether or not we would change his name. She admitted that she would have. Prior to PRIDE training, Ben and I probably wouldn't have thought twice about changing a young foster child's name. As it turned out, I was the volunteer for the exercise that left me with lasting impressions. The trainer had different people in the class come up to the front of the room to represent the biggest pieces of me - my family, my friends, my church, my job, my education, this blog....maybe a few others. One by one she "took" pieces a way from me until I was only left standing with my name...and then she took that. After a dramatic pause, she asked me how I felt.

Most foster children have had everything dear to them taken. Unless we adopt a child with a name that binds him to his past in an unhealthy way (I know a family that adopted a child named Dark Dragon) or the child is old enough to request a name change, we will keep our children's given first names.

I use LJ on this blog, for LJ's protection. It is not his given name, but has become a nickname that we do call him. LJ's first name remains, but we did change his middle name to Jeremiah because we love the promise that comes with it. LJ's first name starts with an "L", so LJ has become a natural nickname that he enjoys, especially because we often call Ty, "T-Y" (saying each letter). We use LJ's given name and his nick name, interchangeably. When he's writing or spelling out his name with letters, he always uses LJ, but when he introduces himself, he always uses his given name. I beam with pride when I hear him tell people his full name and he ends with an emphatic "JEREMIAH PINCH--BACK!!" He sounds like a boy that knows exactly who he is. I love it.

If we are able to adopt LJ's sister (PRAYING!), we will also keep her given name and call her Mia for short, as it is a part of her longer name. I don't think I've given an update on her in awhile....we are getting closer. Her case is moving toward termination and her, current, foster family has expressed that they do not intend to adopt. If we had been asked to adopt her a few months ago, the answer would probably have been no, but we are feeling much more settled in our family, today. We pray for Baby Mia every day and trust God for his perfect plan, recognizing that it may not include us.

We are no where near expert status in the field of adoption. Every child is different and right answers vary. I will, however, continue to share our experiences and the ways God had led us on this path, in effort to encourage your heart.

Feel free to leave your questions in the comments and I will use them for upcoming FAQs!

LJ's Sweet Prayer

My dear, sweet friend is fighting cancer (and winning, I declare!)

Tonight, we prayed for her at bed time.

I had to share this video of LJ's sweet prayer. This boy is the most loving three year old I know. He thanks God every night for his mommy and daddy and "friend Tyrus".

Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.

Amen.

Open Adoption Challenge in Foster Adoption

One of Ty's favorite books, right now, is a hallmark book that Rebekah recorded for him. I've been letting the boys read, quietly, in bed for a few minutes before we come in for hugs and kisses. A couple of weeks ago, I heard Rebekah's voice floating down the hall. I poked my head in and Ty caught my eye.

"I'm reading my special book, mama, from Miss Rebekah."

I see that, honey. How cool!

"Can I call her, mama?"

It was the first time Ty has initiated contact. I assured him that she would love to hear from him and ran to get my phone. He held the phone and answered with a sweet, "Hi, Miss Rebekah" when she answered. I could tell she was tickled to have Ty on the other end. She asked what he was doing and he responded, "Reading my very special book you made me!" I could tell she was surprised to hear that (she gave him the book more than two years ago!)

They talked for a few minutes before we said goodnight and Ty thanked her for "babysitting him" in her belly. It's one of the new phrases he uses in his adoption story. It's one that he came up with on his own.

As soon as we hung up, LJ crawled off his bed and said, "Mama, can I call someone?"

Yes, you may. Who would you like to call?

"My G-Mama."

I tucked Ty in and then snuggled with LJ on his bed as we called his last foster mom. She didn't answer, but I let LJ leave a message. He seemed okay with that.

Ty said, "Mom, we both have special mamas!"

I know, Ty, isn't that cool? You guys have so many people that love you!

I walked away with a troubled heart. Before LJ came to live with us, I wondered a lot about how our future children, adopted from foster care, would handle the openness between Ty and Rebekah. Open adoption is such a special part of Ty's story, that we don't want to downplay the significance. At the same time, I want to be sensitive to LJ's feelings regarding his own story. LJ's last foster mom, genuinely, cares about him, but I'm not sure what her commitment will be long term. Once the adoption is final (we were pushed out a couple more months - I'll explain in a later post), I plan on doing two things:

1) Contacting LJ's birth mom to let her know that we've adopted her son and that he is a growing, healthy, boy. For his security, I will do this, anonymously (through an attorney). My hope is that through letters, we'll be able to foster a relationship that will ultimately lead her to having some sort of connection/contact with LJ (even if only through pictures/letters). I have no idea how this will go and will prepare for disappointment.

2) Asking LJ's G-Mama if she would be willing to be LJ's "special person".

I realized that while, ultimately, having a relationship with their first moms is ideal, the real significance to these relationships is that it makes my boys feel special. It gives them a unique testimony that few other people have. It gives credence to the idea that they are surrounded by community and love and that there is another cheerleader in their corner jumping as high as me. If we can't make meaningful connections with LJ's first mom or foster mom, than I will call on a friend to take this place in his life. I have several friends that live a distance from us that could fill this role in a similar way that Rebekah does for Ty.

Maybe none of this will matter in ten years....but for the time being, I need every card in my pocket to help LJ reconcile his adoption and feel secure. I think having a special connection unique to him will help.

It's always an adventure over, here!

Reassuring an Insecure Heart

We had a difficult weekend.

LJ is experiencing some processing challenges that can be frustrating on days when my patience is running thin. I feel good about the resources we have at hand and thank God for the support he's put in our life to help teach us how to address LJ's needs, best. I will talk about this more in coming blogs.

So, last night I sent LJ to his room for the second time over the same issue of disobedience. I asked him to sit in there for a few minutes to think about his behavior. Really, I needed a few moments to pray and gather my thoughts. I was out of answers and more than a little frustrated. The Holy Spirit came on me and breathed peace to my heart. I walked in and sat cross-legged on the floor and asked LJ to join me. His lower lip quivered as he looked at me with big, sad eyes.

Before I started talking, I had him take some big deep breaths with me. When he was relaxed, I, quietly, said, "Honey, do you know that I will always be your mommy...forever?

Little nod.

"And that daddy will by your daddy forever?"

Little nod.

"And that Ty will be your brother forever?"

More nodding.

"You are always going to be a part of this family and you will never have to move to a new home again." I went on to explain why his behavior was wrong and had him confirm his understanding by repeating what we went over.

As I stood up, I said, "Alright, let's go join daddy and Ty for dinner!" Before I could get to the door, LJ pulled on my arm and said, "Mama, I wanna do someth'n." I looked at him quizzically, not sure I heard what he said. He tugged on my hands and I saw that he wanted me to come back to the floor. As soon as I got to my knees, he wrapped his arms around my neck and crawled into my lap.

I forced a big lump in my throat and held him tight for a long time.

God is teaching me how to reach my son and his reassurance comes through pudgy hands and tight hugs. I am so thankful for the Holy Spirit's guidance, here. After six months, it's easy to forget that our son still needs continued confirmation of his place and identity in our family. I hate that LJ has deep layers of insecurity and sometimes wakes up with nightmares. I wish I could give him a re-do on life and let him start over in our family. I wish we could tell him about the day he was born and explain away his scars...but we can't.

We are forced to put our words into action. We show him our love in a safe, consistent, healthy way. Eventually, our practices will override his past and he'll fall into complete assurance. I pray for that day and all the days in-between.

God has special plans for this little boy...