We had the best weekend we've had yet, as a family of four, this past weekend.

We took the boys camping with a group of our closest friends and celebrated the boys' birthdays. LJ doesn't turn three until August, but we decided on one joint party and then separate family celebrations on each of the boys' actual birthdays.

It was a blast.

We are the tent-camping type which sometimes seems like more hassle than it's worth...but watching the boys drink in every moment confirms the importance of the memories we're creating.

With all the wide open space available for jumping and running, endless activities, and a more relaxed schedule, we hardly had any behavior issues all weekend.

My favorite memory is from our first morning. Ty had already come to snuggle in bed with Ben and me (he is an extremely early riser when sleeping outdoors!), when I heard LJ stir, I whispered his name. He was buried in his sleeping bag, up on his cot, and it took him a few seconds to escape it. When he finally did, he flipped over the covers and giggled with an ear-to-ear grin, saying, "Hi mom!"

He got a huge kick out of sleeping outside and having us so close.

I love to watch him interact with our friends and their kids. His life is dramatically different from what it was three months ago and I continuously stand in awe of what God is doing in him - and me. My heart overflows at LJ's transformation. He is starting to eat like us and talk like us and love like us...

In the last few weeks a light switch flipped and my very unaware-of-the-surrounding-world child started to ask, "why?"

I praise God for LJ's inquisition as it marks a good level of progress and gives me hope for his future.

This boy wins over bigger pieces of my heart each day and I am so, eternally, grateful for the privilege to mother him.

Being Barren

Although the ugly barren monster hasn’t threatened to steal my joy, peace, or contentment since Ty’s birth, his gnarly claws do show themselves in unexpected moments. I had a dream a few weeks ago that we were pregnant. When I woke up to realize my dream was just that, I laid in bed for a few extra moments to revel in the fantasy and excitement of what it would be like to have a working uterus. What it would be like to have a special secret…what it would be like to tell Ben…and friends and family. I imagined how wonderful it would feel to cradle and protect my baby in my belly. I thought about how easy the process would be compared to adoption and how little we all would have to sacrifice in bringing our next little one home.

Then the boys called, my day started, and I walked away, leaving my blissful dream under rumpled sheets and thick covers.

A week later, my errands included baby-buying gifts for two women due in July. When my mind started to wonder, I turned my thoughts and pressed beyond the grasp of the monster’s nail.

Then I got the news.

Glorious, exciting, the-day-we-prayed-for news. A young couple we had  been praying for got pregnant after much heartache and trial. The insides of my heart beamed with joy, but after a few minutes, the depths of my heart surfaced and I nearly suffocated with the heaviness of what I felt.

Another club member left me for a more exclusive, wanted, and sought-after mommy-by-birth membership. 

And I felt alone.

I want to write this post so that you know the reality of what I face and feel, but I hate myself for the honesty in it. I don’t want to feel this way… I don’t want there to be conditions and limitations of my joy and support of others because of my own inward battles. But, wrangling the head of my barren beast is a war I’m so often too tired to fight.

The weird part is that it’s never about the carrying, birthing, or feeding of a Ben and Rebekah formed child. It is always about the ease of process, timing, and raising (a baby from birth). Here we are, three years into adoption, and I’m still begging God for an easy button.

Some days I just want to close up shop, clap my hands, and move on with life as a permanent family of four. But that is, truly, not what God has put in my heart.

Because I’m confident that babies will not birth from my belly, I’m asking God to settle my heart and whisper encouragement…while also easing us into number three with extra grace and patience, as the measure we have is wearing very thin...

Firstborn

LJ has had so much blog time because...well...he's taken over our life! I wanted to spend a few moments giving you an update on my firstborn.

I love that word.

Sure he was born of another woman - and fifth born at that - but to me he's first. We've shared so much time, there is just this common "knowing". He is so tender and sweet and easy to please. When I ask him to do something his most common response is "Sure, I will, Mom!"

He is so much like me in his particularities and organization and his soft heart and compassion are so much like Ben's. Do you know who else he is like? Rebekah... They both share a contagious joy that just bubbles over their hearts.

I am so proud of this boy. I try to tell him every day.

Sure, I overhear him saying things like, "LJ, are you stomping your feet? What have I told you about that? Do you WANT to sit in time-out, again?" and I, routinely, have to remind him that mommy and daddy are the only parents in the house...but Ty loves his brother like no one else.

He is LJ's constant cheerleader - "You just went potty on the big potty? Good job, buddy! I'm so proud of you!" or "Mom! LJ just got his shoes on all by himself! Isn't that awesome?" Today, we were at the park and I overheard a mom telling another mom, "Did you see those boys kissing over there? So cute!" I turned, immediately, knowing they had to be talking about my boys. I smiled at Ty and said, "What are you guys doing?" Ty's response was, "Mom, LJ just needed a little kissy to cheer him up."

Sweetness drips like honey from my little Ty.

I had some quiet time with him after lunch and while we were playing, Ty, randomly said, "Mom. I love your green eyes."

God has given him a mind that never stops thinking, storing, and inquiring about the world around him. He notices EVERYTHING.

He is such an absolute gift and joy in our life and I'm not sure we would have survived the transition to four without him. I am in endless gratitude to God and Rebekah for not only giving this boy life, but for choosing us to be such a huge part of it.

Awe.

Can I tell you how much I love this kid?

He has presented more challenges than I was ever prepared to deal with, but he is the most giving, accepting, loving kid I've ever met.

Just recently, I started reading the boys a story from the Bible and laying hands on them before bed time, each night. We've been doing it for about a week. Because I want them to take our time seriously, I'm teaching them about reverence. They have a tendency to sneak peeks at each other, through squinted eyes, and giggle while praying.

I think I finally got through to them because, tonight, when I laid my hands on LJ's head, he was extremely earnest. Our time went something like this:


Father, I thank you for this mighty, mighty man of God.

LJ: "mighty man of God"


I thank you for bringing him to our family.

LJ: "family"

Father, I pray that you would help LJ focus during the day, so that he can be a very good boy and obey mommy and daddy. 

LJ: "help me, Jesus"

[tears]

We praise you for the blessings you give us and the gift that LJ is to our life. Make him strong, and wise, and passionate for you. Ignite his heart with love for people and may words never fall from his lips. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen.

LJ: "A-AAAAMen. Thank you, Mama."

God has redeemed this precious boy and my life is better because of him. I'm in awe of what God is doing before my eyes, in HIS son. I'm so thankful that we said, yes...

Yes & No

Our caseworker called this week.

Two of LJ's sisters will be available for adoption in a few days.

Before we brought LJ home reality set in, we were clear on our intentions with LJ's sisters. He has three. One is older and two are younger. Two of them have been fostered together for the last several months and the state will be placing them together. We were firm on honoring birth order (and we are happy that we stuck by that decision), so declined the opportunity to adopt two of LJ's sisters. Right before LJ came home, we discovered that a third sister had just been born. We told our caseworker that if the youngest sister was not grouped with the other two and became available for adoption down the road, we would be interested.

It was easy to agree to adopt more children from foster care before one ever stepped foot in our house.

Within a week of bringing LJ home we were so overwhelmed by the chaos, we questioned whether or not we'd ever be able to do this again. Fast forward two months and although we still have some obstacles to overcome, we are really enjoying our new family and a cloak of peace has settled.

When our case worker called with the news of termination for two of LJ's sisters, her follow up comment was, "Be ready with your answer on number three."  I expected termination for the youngest (of many) to be at least a year out. And it still could be. But in order to have an answer "ready" when the call comes, we have to discuss our answer, now.

Enter discord.

My answer is a passionate, teary, YES. Ben's answer is a solid, sure, NO.

It only took minutes for our discussion to get heated, so we parted and agreed to think things through, separately. My initial reaction was anger. I mean - we aren't really in a position to turn down an opportunity to have another baby! Up to this point, I knew the possibility of ever rocking a newborn again was pretty unlikely. Sure, our life is crazy, right now, and it isn't the BEST time to introduce another family member into the mix...but this isn't just a baby girl...it's LJ's sister! I balled my fists in frustration, but, quietly, prayed that God would settle my heart and give me direction on what to do/say.

After a day or so, the Holy Spirit came upon me and reminded me of my love for my husband and the blessing his steady reasoning is in my life. I am an easy love and sometimes my passions cloud my sense for reality. I constantly have to evaluate whether my heart is running away with my dreams or if God, truly, is stirring me to action. Ben is really good for me in this regard.

I started chewing on his points of reason - What in the world would I do about work? I LOVE my job and have a beautiful setup, right now. Would I really be able to leave three babies at home in someone else's care, all day? Would our someones even be willing to watch three kids (probably not)? Can five of us share our two bedroom condo? Can our boys handle another game changer, right now, so soon? Can we handle three kids under three?

Ben's answer is not no to adoption or no to future kids. His answer is no to adopting another kid, right now.

I want to be mad about it...but I can't.

I, of course, want my way. I WANT to bring home this precious baby girl that is more beautiful with every picture I see...but, I have to care about Ben's feelings and reservations.

His voice is as important as mine (although it takes a good dose of humbling to admit that).

I am so thankful for godly wisdom. My head wants to pray for God to change Ben's heart, but the Spirit leads me by saying, "Lord, your will be done."

I have to trust Him. I've seen too much to do otherwise.

If the call comes, today, I would, respectfully, tell our caseworker "no". But the call may not come today, or next week or next month. This system moves, painfully, slow. There is a possibility (especially the longer it takes) that when the call DOES come, our answer will be "yes".

The peace I feel is infectious.

Sadly, there will never be a shortage of children to adopt...and even more heartbreaking, this will most likely not be the last sibling of LJ's to adopt, either.

It's a good reminder to myself. I am only thirty years old.

I have seven more decades to live out my hopes and dreams. They don't all have to actualize, right now.

Business Opportunity Giveaway

Thirty-One Business Opportunity Giveaway!

Hello Heart Cries Readers!

My name is Laura, and I am a long-time friend of Rebekah’s.  Many of you long-time readers may remember a giveaway I did months ago for a Thirty-One Picnic Thermal Tote.  I’ve been a Consultant with Thirty-One for over two years, and while, quite frankly, I started selling simply because I wanted as many of the products as possible, my time as a Consultant has exceeded my expectations in EVERY way.  My husband and I took a 7 day Caribbean cruise I earned as a reward trip a few months back and my commission checks have gone from a few helpful hundred dollars per month to full time income that continues to grow.  I feel blessed and humbled by my business and also

frequently feel the need to pinch myself:  is this really happening?  Isn’t this just something you read about in the promotional material for direct sales companies??  And to think that Thirty-One is a faith-based company and always upholds the highest standards with regards to customers and consultants to boot?  It can’t get much better.

Nice story, right?  So what does it have to do with Heart Cries and Rebekah allowing me to post on her beloved blog?  I’m glad you asked.  I wanted to do another giveaway, but this time, instead of giving away a thermal tote or purse, I’ve decided to give back something much greater: an opportunity for a Thirty-One business of your own.  It’s no secret many families have been affected by the economy, and I’d like to give a reader the opportunity to start up as a Consultant on my Team for FREE.  It gets even better:  ANY new Consultant who joins Thirty-One on or before May 31^st has the opportunity to earn back the $99 start up cost if she “qualifies” (sells $1000…very easily accomplished through 2-3 parties) in her first 30 days.  From the very first dollar you sell, you will make back 25% commission.  Through this giveaway, one reader will win a Visa Gift Card for $115 ($99 kit fee plus extra for tax and shipping).  She will then not only have a kit full of awesome products, but also have the opportunity to earn the $99 rebate!  Free start up ($115 Gift Card) + $250 in commission if $1000 sold + $99 rebate from Thirty-One = $350 in your pocket, a kit full of fun products, and a business opportunity that will continue to grow.  Sound good?  I thought so :).

Here are the details:  leave a comment below and make sure to leave an e-mail address if I cannot click through to find your contact info on your own blog, etc.  Rebekah will randomly choose a winner on Wednesday, May 23^rd.  I will contact all who entered after the contest has ended to let each individual know if she was the winner and to invite her to join my Team and still earn the $99 rebate if she did not win.

  I will not contact anyone after the initial e-mail, unless invited to do so.

Please feel free to e-mail me directly at dlcarney@gmail.com.  You may also visit my Thiryt-One website at www.mythirtyone.com/carney

Thank you so much!

Funny.

Funny moments in the life of the new Pinchback family.

Ty says something super cute (I wish I could remember what!)

Ben: Ty, you are awesome. You are my favorite boy of all the boys out there.

Me: Um...Honey. [With an eye roll over to LJ]

Ben: ["Oh, yah..." under this breath]. LJ you are my favorite boy of all the boys out there, too. I have two favorite boys.

I laughed.

Everything about our life has changed. And I love it...