Adopting Again

It’s a new chapter, a fresh page.

Within minutes of making the decision to adopt again, my fingers flew across the keys in research. We know where we’ve been called, what we’re looking for, and we feel equipped to do it. There’s something invigorating about such confidence that was lacking the first time around.

After ten minutes of searching, however, my balloon began to deflate.

If I thought the manual to open domestic adoption was missing, it’s completely non-existent in foster care adoption.  Every website I visited was a complicated mess of tangled details that left me with more questions than answers.

Finally, I found a site that listed Michigan adoption agencies and the type of adoptions they specialize in. I’m starting out very particular. I don’t want to use an agency that does anything more than foster care adoptions. My main reasons are both centered on pressure. I don’t want to be pressured into moving into a money-making sector of an agency, nor do I want to be talked into fostering.

For right now, we know that God is calling us to adopt child(ren) out of foster care.  We don’t feel right about fostering kids with the end goal being adoption. It goes against the grain of the system’s reconciliation purpose and it doesn’t align with what we feel God’s asking us to do.

I could only find three agencies in our area that met my specifications, so I emailed all three the same snapshot. In essence, I described our passion for adoption, our openness to race and sibling groups, and our desire to honor birth order.

We may not always feel this way, but (again) for now, we would like Ty to be the oldest. Assuming assessment and placement takes around a year, we’re asking to look at children from 0-3 years old.

This morning, I received my top-picked agency’s response.

Strike one.

I’m sorry, but we’re only accepting applications of parents wishing to adopt children over the age of 8. Parents with your specifications wait years.  If you change your mind, please contact us again.      

My heart fluttered for a moment and I thought about how much easier it would be to ignore the call of God and run back to the familiar. (How backward is your reproductive life when adopting, domestically, is the easy answer?)

Thankfully, my heart surged forward and, with determination, I reminded myself that we have two more strikes. And if need be, two after that. And four after that…

God is beckoning.

We are moving.

My dreams are too big to contain. I hope you’ll join me as we turn the page.

Parenting 101: Don't put Jesus in the Closet.

Ty's language exploded in the last few weeks and the connections his little head puts together make me laugh. All week, we've been talking about Easter and what it means to us as Christ-followers. I mostly get blank stares when I tell him stories so I really don't know what he's retaining or understanding.

This morning, I jumped in Ty's bed, told him how madly in love with him I am and asked if he remembered what we're celebrating today. He promptly asked for daddy.

"Ty, daddy's still sleeping. Do you remember what mommy told you about, today? It's Easter."

Eas-turrr.

"Yes. When you see people today, you should say, 'Happy Easter'."

Happy Burr-thday!!

No. Happy Easter.

Burr-thday!!

Okay, whatever. Do you remember who we're celebrating today?

Daddy?

"No, Ty. Daddy's sleeping. We're celebrating Jesus. He died for us...but then rose again!"

Then. With the most concerning look I've ever seen from a two year old, Ty asks. Mama...Jesus go?

What do you mean, Ty? He died, but then he rose again.

Very matter-of-fact like Ty reiterates his point. Mama, baby Jesus go?

Ohhhh...you mean baby Jesus from your advent calendar? We packed him away with Christmas.



I had a dozen variations of this conversation, today, when Ben, finally, said, "Honey. I'm not sure we're communicating well, here. Maybe telling Ty we pack Jesus away until next year, isn't the best idea!!"

That made us both laugh.

At bed time, when Ty asked about baby Jesus for the upteenth time, I promised we'd fish him out of the closet so that we could celebrate him all year long, without question!

 

From our family to yours, Ty says, "Happy Burr-thday!!"

Rebekah

Rebekah is coming to visit. Soon. And I am, literally, giddy with excitement.

Admittedly, I have been a horrid friend this year. Not just to Rebekah to everyone. This last push to my master's finish line has been more grueling than I was prepared for. My friends and family would tell you - I don't call; I don't write; I don't attend parties. Work-Ty-homework-sleep, has pretty much become the rhythm of my days. And if someone...let's say...Ben (for example), wants to spend time with me, it has to fall within the first two beats of the pattern because the last two are pretty much non-negotiable. It's bad, I know. Certainly not an ideal situation, but the end is near (August!)

Rebekah is one of the people I miss most. I love the uniqueness in our friendship and that our affection comes from mothering the same son. I want Rebekah to know and experience sweet Tyrus in the same ways that I do and having her come stay with us, in Ty's home, will allow her that opportunity.

From family wrestling to teeth brushing, I want Rebekah to see her son. She'll laugh at his silliness and cry in his tenderness, knowing, the whole time, that she has helped shape him. 

I can't wait.

I've got about three weeks to jam all the homework in so that we can have a care-free, all about Rebekah & Ty, kind of weekend, but what a reward her visit will be. I look forward to sharing it (and new pictures) with you!

Give Hope. Win a $500 Visa Gift Card!!!!

Please check out my Real Hope blog and find out how you can win a $500 Visa Gift Card! I am supporting an amazing group of college students that are doing a fantastic work at a nearby, inner-city, public school. I'm proud to know them and be part of such a cool initiative.

 I hope one of my readers wins!!!

Life & Groceries

We adopted a philosophy, along with a baby, nearly two years ago, now.

We chose not to be those never-leave-the-house-it's-too-much-hassle parents and from day two, started introducing our son to the world. From watching his daddy's band lead Chinese worship to strolling running (respectfully) through local art museums to helping cook dinner, we allow Ty to participate in life.

The benefits are shining. Ty's language has exploded and his manners are deliberate, as his little brain connects the most intricate details. It is wonderfully, fulfilling to watch unfold and makes me realize how incredibly, intelligent these little beings are.

Here is a little peak into our latest grocery excursion. Ty is responsible for selecting and carting his weekly essentials.

My mom bought him this Melissa & Doug, adult-like, shopping cart for Christmas and Ty loves it.

It's snapshots of everyday life that scream God's goodness.

I drink in these days and times and moments; it's hard to imagine they could ever be topped.

The Rebekahs Interviewed

Did any of you catch that Heather over at Production not Reproduction made Adoptive Families magazine's Top 20 Blogs list? Not only is she an amazing resource for open adoption, but she recently interviewed both Rebekah and me, here. I've done many interviews before, but Heather asked some really unique questions specific to my blogging relationship with Rebekah.

Go check it out!

Inconceivable

About a month ago I was asked to preview this soon-to-be released book, Inconceivable, by Carolyn and Sean Savage. It's no exaggeration to say I, anxiously, checked the mailbox every day until it came. My contact did not tell me of their decision to fight or relinquish rights, only that they had one shot at IVF and were implanted with another woman's embryo. Such a thought is shockingly, jaw-dropping.

My walk-away from Inconceivable is strange in that I, confidently, say, with conviction - It is a must read for all prospective adoptive parents, while at the same time, admitting it's not the best-written book I've ever read. This book is compelling on so many levels and I want to spend a majority of this review exploring those points, but I need to be honest in my feedback. I found myself gripped by the Savages courageous story, but their written words left me wanting more. Does that make sense? I skimmed through some of the chapters, quickly, and found the swapping of perspectives, between Carolyn and Sean, a bit repetitive and somewhat disjointed. Overall, their, horrendously, pain-filled story was relayed in a methodical way that didn't maximize the intensity of the emotions described.

That being said, I must reiterate, every prospective adoptive couple should read this story. There are so few resources available, in the adoption community, that realistically portray the birthing mother's devastation. As an adoptive mother, I related to Carolyn's pain on so many levels - the desolation of infertility, the world's callous reaction to her predicament, the heart-squeezing bond that developed between her and Sean, and the spiritual overhaul that knocked her to her knees.

 Sean and Carolyn's darkness, coupled with the distancing behaviors of the genetic (relative to adoptive) parents, is enough to make you want to spit in the face of adoption and pray to God for another way. Even in the most loving scenarios, the birthing mother loses. I had to stifle sobs when Carolyn wrote, "the truth was that I felt gutted." Gutted. The gruesomeness of that word has replayed in my mind over and over again.

I found myself advocating for the Savages in such a big way, willing the genetic parents to open their hearts wider...to see the pain their coldness caused. One of Carolyn's closing remarks is in response to the birth announcement she receives from the family raising the baby she carried. Carolyn says, "Shannon had sent me a birth announcement for Logan at the same time and in the same way that she had announced him to her extended family and distant friends. This was what stabbed at my soul. I was now and forever more a bystander in his life."

I'm not sure any adoptive parent could read these words and not be challenged by their weight. In the opening chapters of Inconceivable, Carolyn and Sean describe the legal aspects of their case and Carolyn's words are haunting: "This baby could not survive without me, but judges had ruled repeatedly that my contribution to this life was irrelevant...I desperately wanted to read something that said I mattered."

Whether tied to adoption or not, I hope you'll allow the Savage's story to inspire and challenge you to love bigger. For more information please visit  Sean & Carolyn's blog.