Day 301

This has seriously been a bad week. I know you've had weeks like it...everyone has....when nothing can seem to go right? Apparently, we bleed money now...so we've got that going for us! It's as if we've been playing Jeopardy...the real life version..."Yah, Alex...I'll take a basement flood for $1,ooo please." ding ding, you won, choose again. "Okay, how about a pay cut for $3,000." ding ding, you're really good at this! [And I thought I was terrible at Jeopardy...] "Wow, this one might be a long shot...how about a Jeep lease gone terribly wrong for $1,500." ding ding.... you get the picture.

Thankfully, Ben and I are not major stressers. I mean, really, what can you do? So, we wiped out our entire maternity leave savings account in 3 days...there are worse things that can happen, right? Do you know what stopped us from completely giving up and running to Mexico (besides the fact that we don't speak a lick of Spanish and my legs are currently the pastiest of whites)? Baby boy.

My heart is so full of joy, nothing can cloud the sunshine (not even losing thousands of dollars, unexpectedly!) Someone at church gave us a beautiful gift and framed Babyheart's ultrasound picture with a heart magnet frame so that he could hang on the fridge. Pouring my morning OJ takes three times the amount of time because I just can't stop staring. I have memorized every feature; every curve. I think about him every second of every day. I think about holding him for the first time and smothering his cheeks with kisses...I imagine us walking hand in hand and him proudly yelling, "Mommy" from the highest slide on the playground. I picture him with Ben everywhere....sitting on the couch, running in the yard, fishing with his uncles. There isn't a minute that goes by that I don't think about that boy.

Words fail to describe the love and anticipation I feel.

All that to say, in the midst of a trying week, our mama and daddy hearts rejoice. We got our pack and play in the mail, today, and we were like two kids in a candy store. Thankfully, we got it all setup without a hitch (we had a trial run at the store last week which had me peeing my pants from the hysterics of our delinquency at figuring out baby gear!) Our purchase came down to price and ease of setup. We found this little gem for $109 on A.mazon and had it up in a snap!

The problem is...we love it so much we can't take it down! Of course, leaving it up in the middle of the living room for the next four months would be ridiculous....or rather...should be ridiculous...but I find myself convinced that the living room wouldn't be the same without it and impulsively felt the need to assemble every unopened baby gaget stored in the closet....is that bad?

We can't help it. We have fallen head over heels in love with our baby boy. So what, if our living room could compete with a fully stocked Babies 'R Us? We may only get one shot at this. We're soaking it all in.

Ahh................................................

Day 298

Questions we've been asked that make us step back and say, "Seriously?"

"We're still believing that you'll have your own baby, someday. Crazier things have happened!"
I used to let this one go, but now I respond with, "That would definitely be a miracle, but it's a miracle I'm not praying for. We love that our family is being built through adoption and hope God continues to use us that way." And P.S. we are having our own baby...it's just coming through Rebekah.

"Oooh...do you think she'll change her mind?"
I can't tell you how many people have asked me this question. It's an instant conversation end-er if I've ever heard one!

"I don't understand why she wouldn't just keep the baby, if she already has kids of her own..."
And I don't understand why you would be saying this to me, right now! You do realize that the only way Ben and I will ever become parents is for someone to give us their baby, right? That, of course, is what I wanted to say...instead I politely turned the conversation around and told them just how awesome Rebekah is and that we support the decision that she feels God has directed her to make.

"She already has kids? Doesn't she believe in birth control?"
This one took some serious restraint as I almost punched this woman straight in the nose. I immediately asked her if she remembered the story of Mary Magdalene when Jesus said, "Let he without sin cast the first stone," and continued to tell her that this is the first child Rebekah has had outside of wedlock and that she's one of the better moms I've seen. She stammered over her words, got flush in the face, and tried to tell me that she didn't mean to insinuate that Rebekah wasn't a good mother. I walked away with, "I know what you meant," and didn't let her finish.

Now this last one actually came from Rebekah's doctor and was asked of her...
(Doctor sees adoption on her chart - asks about a match - she tells him about us)

"My wife and I are actually looking to adopt. Do you think we could be next in line if something falls through?"
What?!? Doesn't this breech some sort of doctor code? "Next in line?" This isn't a couch on Craigslist, buddy...That's my son, you're talking about!


All the other questions are fun. I love answering questions about Rebekah and the baby... if we'll get to name the little guy, etc. It's the off-the-wall ones that send me to the ring. I love this woman so much and would defend her to the death. Why do people feel they have the right to be so insensitive? Everyone always says, "Oh, they mean well." But do they?

Just this week I have had two people ask if they could pray for me. I'm not one to turn down prayer, but I'm seriously considering it next time someone asks. Both persons immediately touched my belly and started praying for God to open my womb....SERIOUSLY? "Um...Lord, pardon the eye roll, but could you please send out a memo?" Ben happened to be around for the second request...revert back a couple weeks and remember his valiant knight-in-shining-armor efforts...he stopped the person before they started praying. His response, "Actually, we're going to decline that prayer, thank you. We appreciate your thoughtfulness, but we're really excited about the path God has for us and would like to continue it. Those kind of prayers don't help."

I know, I know, some of you non-adopting/infertility people might think that may have been uncalled for. It's only prayer, after all, right? Maybe for you, but for us, it's a constant reminder of how many people don't respect our decision to adopt....and how many don't see adoption as the miracle we've been waiting for. After two years of this nonsense, we're calling it like it is. This girl is closed for "open womb" prayers. Been there, done that. If God chooses to do so, great, but I've moved on with my life. Why can't everyone else?

Day 296

Let me just say it now...Baby Boy is going to be the CUTEST kid on the block. I have had so much fun shopping for baby boy. After two weeks of scouring the stores, here's what I've learned:

1) You must shop off season to get the best deals.
2) It is totally possible to outfit your kid in Gymboree and Baby Gap for under $10.
3) There are entirely more clothes for girls than there are boys.
4) Baby Boy does not have to be a girl to dress sassy!
5) I need to start my own clothing line.

As far as number five goes.... Can I just ask - What does a girl gotta do to get all hammers, basketballs, teddy bears, pooh bears, and cartoons removed from every article of clothing???? Seriously. I'm sorry but I want my little man to look classic and cuddly...not a billboard for sesame street. Do you know how hard it was to find plain pj's?

Anyway, I had so much fun, I thought I'd share some of my favorite finds!

"I'm what all the buzz is about!"

Baby Gap $4.00

Old Navy $1.50

Sweatshirt and shoes - Baby Gap $12, Jeans - Baby Gap via Salvation Army $1

Walmart: $2.50

Wool Hat - Old Navy: $2, Shirt and Overalls - Gymboree via Salvation Army: $1 each

Most of the outfit $5.50 at Old Navy, Vest - Children's Place via Salvation Army $1.99

Brown Plaid Pants - Old Navy $5.99, Overalls - Baby Gap and Gymboree - $1 each

All this for $20.00 Between Old Navy, Target, and Walmart

I love pj's!!! Only 2 were bought brand new at Target ($5.99 each) The others were all bought at Salvation Army for $0.50 to $1.50

Shirts - Old Navy $4 for both (Can you believe that? The sweatshirt was $1.50), Pants - Baby Gap via Salvation Army: $2, the shoes were the big splurge....$5.00 at Walmart!

And my absolute favorite find???? This little plaid lumberjack hat proudly modeled by Mr. Stripes. Baby Gap $4.99.

I'd show you more, but I tuckered out of taking pictures and getting clothes out! You'll have to wait to see Baby Boy in all my sweet finds! I don't have many things for 0-3 months because a) I like newborns to be comfy and cuddly (that stuff isn't as fun to buy!) and b) summer stuff is just now coming out and stores expect you to pay a premium! I'll have to wait until the end of spring. I pretty much have the kid outfitted for winter, though!

I hit 2 jackpots. One, I was at Old Navy the morning of their 50% off the clearance racks sale and came out with two bags full of stuff for $100...the most expensive item was $6. And two, I have no qualms about shopping at Salvation Army. I know it's dirty; I know it's gross, but you HAVE to look past it! Everything washes (twice if necessary!) I've got that store down to a science...and I'm a brand snob (only when it comes to shopping at Salvation Army) . Here's what I do:

1) Go often! Sometimes you come out with nothing...but other times you have your hands full!
2)Only look for brand name tags. The quality is far above and most people that shop brand names take great care of their clothes.
3) Every week a tag color is designated for 50% off. Only shop that color. you can quickly scan the racks for the appropriate tag. Sometimes they go a step beyond and give you 5 items of that tag for $5 (Like today! Hence all the overalls).
4) Scope out the other items and if you see pieces you like with the same color tag, ask one of the workers when that tag will be 50% off...then remember to come back that week! Obviously, if it's too cute too pass up just splurge and spend the $4-5!

I have serious amounts of clothes for 3-12 months and I haven't spent more than $250.00!

I'm having such a blast. Hope you had fun looking through all the bags with me!

Day 295

It's amazing what the promise of a baby will do for an infertile heart. I am so alive, I feel like I'm seeing the world in color for the first time. I'm sure I have felt this way before....I simply can't remember when.

I wrote something a couple of years ago about the lies I started to believe in regards to my barrenness. I was re-reading my journal entry and overwhelmed with the pain behind the words.

There's something wrong with you....You’re living in sin...You have done something wrong to deserve this...You’re not ready...You’re not worthy...Maybe you’re not doing it right; It really shouldn’t be this hard…You haven’t given enough...You’re not enough...You’re not even a real woman…

I will never forget that pain.

I think the reality of being a mom is starting to sink in and I'm in awe of the process as it unfolds before me. I had an amazing night last night. I came home, made the world's greatest meatloaf [really], thought about making banana bread, did the dishes, organized baby boy's closet, and played a game with Ben. You're probably thinking, "that sounds pretty lame to me..." but for me it screams life. For months, I was so mentally and emotionally exhausted that all I could was be sad. I still made dinner (sometimes) and cleaned the house (halfway), but I never enjoyed it. Everything was a chore.

I love the Message version of Psalm 13, "Take a good look at me!" I am celebrating his rescue and singing at the top of my lungs. I feel alive. It's incredible. I am head over heels in love with my baby and my Ben and my Savior. I actually whistled while chopping veggies last night...whistled! Who knew life could be so good?

The part that makes me laugh the most is my ability to trust again. There are complex details surrounding this adoption that still haven't been worked out and I feel as though I haven't a care in the world. Over and over again I hear myself telling people, "I'm just trusting God with it." Me. The girl who three weeks ago wasn't even sure God was listening. Now I'm trusting. Believe me, in the natural this thing has hypocrisy written all over it, but in the spirit GOD HAS REVIVED MY SOUL. There are no other words to describe it.

There's a song in my heart again and I just can't stop singing...

Day 291

One of my favorite things to do is sneak into the nursery and read books from baby boy's bookshelf. I rock...and read...and pray. I decided to start recording my secret moments in the nursery so that our sweet baby can learn my voice and Rebekah can hear my heart. This week, Rebekah invited me to view videos she has posted on youtube. She had a video posted with her youngest son (he's three) and it melted my heart to hear her voice for the first time. I could see and feel the love between them and hope that hearing my voice for the first time will bring her comfort, too.

The first of many story times to come....

[And completely disregard my appearance I had the flu, this weekend and haven't gotten out of my sweats!]

Guess How Much I Love You, by Sam McBratney

"I love you right up to the moon and back."

Day 289

A Bumpless Belly Pregnancy

As you can imagine I am still living on a complete adrenaline high. I am overwhelmed on so many levels: God's love for me, the perfection of his plan, the beauty of this baby boy, the beauty of his mother, and not least of all the love and support from all of you. I had a surreal moment tonight when we came home from a celebratory dinner with friends (their treat!), I finished returning my countless text messages and voicemails, and read all 49 blog comments on the baby boy news. Most people have to die and listen to their eulogy/see attenders before they realize just how many people care. The overwhelming number of comments and calls and emails have humbled me. How could I have felt so alone for so long....when all of you were right here the whole time? Your support and genuine excitement has revived my soul. This God-sized miracle is not ours to hold onto...it's too big. We are thrilled to share it with all of you, our faithful friends! Ben and I decided, today, that a massive party is in order, mid-August, so that everyone who is able can meet our sweet miracle!

There are literally a thousand things running through my head, 10 of which are posts that I want to write, but tonight I'm going to highlight the strange contentment I feel toward my belly-free pregnancy. It's taken me by surprise and I want to be sure to document my feelings.

Rebekah and I have connected on so many levels, but the one that stands out most to me has to do with how we relate to others walking in our same shoes. I have probably read through a couple hundred adoption blogs over the last several months and many times what I read leaves me confused and questioning. I have never felt this draw toward pregnancy. Naturally, I want a baby more than anything and the simplicity of the pregnancy process has been a major point of contention in my life. But, my momma heart has always been centered on baby...not belly. And hear me, dear adoption friends, there is nothing wrong with wanting to carry a child, I've just never had this burning desire to do so. I don't understand the pain adoptive mothers feel at not being able to experience a baby in the womb, because I've never had it.

Likewise, when it comes to identifying with birth mothers, Rebekah is at a loss. She doesn't understand the bitter, angry words that, years later, come from the mouths of birth mothers. She doesn't relate to the overwhelming regret and guilt that she finds entangled in their adoption stories.

I share these two threads to show this amazing bond that God has woven between our two lives. We may not fully relate to others, but together our stories fit. I know I keep saything this, but something just feels right. My bumpless belly feels pregnant. I may not birth our sweet baby boy, but their is an everlasting love that sinks to the deepest part of my being that is birthing love for my son and his mother. I am astounded by what my heart feels for this woman. It's only been three weeks, but I love her. Already, she has become an extension of me...an extension I don't think I'll ever be able to live without.

I may have skipped over the morning sickness [real bummer], but Rebekah and I are walking this pregnancy together, hand in hand. Last weekend, Meeghan and I went shopping for maternity clothes. Meeghan looked for herself, I shopped for Rebekah. A few nights ago I looked up the development at 20 weeks and told Ben that Babyheart now has fully developed ears to hear Rebekah's heartbeat and voice...and that he is officially peeing! I was so excited to read about his growth, I immediately emailed Rebekah and sent her kisses for her belly. She quickly responded that little Babyheart is moving all the time and closed with these sweet words: "When I start feeling tired and achy, I think of you and Ben and then its all worth it."

I've seen the pictures, heard the heartbeat, felt the love. No belly is needed for this mama. It's strange and unexpected, but feels wonderful. Baby boy may not physically be growing inside of me, but his heart certainly is.

Day 288: The Ultrasound

Just look at our little miracle!!!!! My heart is pounding out of my chest and I can't stop crying. Have you ever seen something so beautiful???? I have been a ball of nervous energy ALL DAY waiting to hear the news! I knew Rebekah's appointment was in the afternoon, but silly me didn't even think about the time zone difference...I had to wait even longer than originally planned! The wait was excruciating, but WELL WORTH IT! Let me introduce you to my precious, precious son....

Baby boy is strong and healthy and big! Rebekah's due date was moved up by two weeks, his new birthday is June 25th! Doctor said he has a minor issue called Renal Pelvic Dilatation. Apparently it's fairly common in boys and in most cases corrects itself by the third trimester. The doctor didn't seem concerned, but will do another ultrasound in a month to keep an eye on it. We will trust God for perfect health.

Smiles for his Mama

A little wave to his Daddy

I cannot stop the steady stream of tears because I've never seen anything so sweet in all my life. I have seen a dozen ultrasound pictures before, but never before were they my son...my love.

My sweet, sweet little boy...if you only knew the love my heart bleeds....If you only knew how quick years of pain were erased with one glance of your very small black and white face. If you only knew the path God has marked for you life...

I'm laughing, I'm crying, I'm soaking in God's goodness to me. I have never known such joy.