Heart Cries

Contacted

2012-01-12T23:08:00.000-05:00

We were contacted, today, about a possible placement.

Ben and I don't see eye to eye...

Thankfully, we've navigated difficult adoption conversations before and are able to mediate our own ~~arguments~~ discussions by listening to what the other person has to say and not discrediting the value their input adds. The problem with me is that I am extremely passionate and quick to my feet when it comes time for decisions. I lead with my heart and run full force into the things I'm passionate about. The problem with Ben? He needs more passion [smile].

I love and respect my husband more than anyone else. He is logical and loving and firm. He never makes decisions without careful thought and calculation (avoid car shopping with him at all costs). His voice of reason is an important part of my decision making.

After tonight's conversation, we both feel right. Instead of getting frustrated or ruffled, I told him how much I appreciated his insight (I do) and that we'll trust God for the answer.

I left the room and started praying a mile a minute. Lord. If these children are part of your plan for our lives, open Ben's heart and impart wisdom...

I don't ever want to convince Ben to adopt. This is a partnership and of all the decisions we'll make together, these are important ones. We have to be united.

It's a win-win for me. If I'm right, then, God does all the work. He will do the convincing...not me. If I'm wrong, our kids are still out there.

As it turns out, because parental rights have not been terminated on these kids and because we have yet to be licensed to foster, we're not able to see their profiles. Our licensing worker is pushing our case through so that it can be completed, quickly.

Hopefully, we'll get to read through the profiles, in the next couple of weeks. But, frankly, I have no idea what "quickly" means. For now, we only have a few pieces of information to go on. The weightiest comment for me was from our licensing worker (whom I adore), "My supervisor and I think they are an ideal placement and a good fit for your family."

Man...there's so much trusting in this process! While we are blindly spoon-fed details, I'm thankful for that drunken peace from my last post. I'm going to need it!

Unlocking Peace

2012-01-11T21:52:00.000-05:00

Forget buying the overpriced holy water, I've discovered the secret to peace.

Digging into the Word of God.

That should be a no-brainer, but I always seem to let other things get in the way of communing with God - laundry, bills, work, tv, exercising. My time (for just me) is limited to a couple hours each night and because I'm usually so exhausted, my laziness pushes me to the tv and laptop.

We're only 11 days into the new year and I ashamedly admit, I've read my bible more in the last two weeks than in the last two years. I made it a priority this year. And you know what?

I am FULL of hope.

I feel my insides oozing out. I have more kindness for my husband, more patience for my baby boy, more energy for my employer, and more song in my heart for my Savior. It's amazing how that works...

My faith meter is off the charts and I am so drunk with peace I could sell it.

I write all this to say, if you're struggling right now in your faith, ditch your tv routine and spend your time filling your heart with his words. Watch what God will do.

We celebrated victory, tonight, after our last home visit by the foster licensing worker. Our adoption home study is complete and our license should be approved by the end of the month. Both our licensing worker and adoption worker have been such advocates for our family. Tonight the licensing worker said, "We brought in a sibling group, this week, that would be perfect for your family. Unfortunately, it won't work out because of the timing of your license..." she went on to tell us about the children. Even though these sweet kiddos won't be coming home to our family, I was so encouraged to hear her say that she thought of us! Later in the conversation she made reference to our adoption worker and noted that she "checks the registry every week, looking for a placement for you guys."

All the while, I've been, tapping my foot over here, waiting to hear something, ANYTHING, but forcing myself to be patient and trust the process (refusing to bug either worker with pesky emails/calls). The idleness was driving me batty, so I launched into full networking mode (I plan to do a series of blogs on this, soon). I chalked the agency's silence up to busy case workers with overwhelming loads.

So...to hear our licensing worker, tonight, mention twice that her and our adoption worker our thinking of us was such an encouragement to my heart. The Holy Spirit used her earthly words to whisper, "See...I'm moving. Keep trusting..."

That's exactly what I'm going to do. I'm going to keep reading; keep trusting; and keep praying for our kids!

Spinach Omelets & Super Faith

2012-01-03T22:33:00.001-05:00

I had a rough day, today. No real reason in particular.

Maybe it was the back to work blues or the pregnancy announcements over break or the frustration of waiting for news that doesn't seem to exist or the cheese-less, egg whites and spinach omelet I had for breakfast. Who knows?

But I felt the blahs.

I tried commiserating with friends, but they were still drinking in the new year cheer and only offered words of hope that put more grump in my hump (I'm not even sure what that means).

Of course, my dampened mood was lightened when Ty came running to the door and greeted my face with kisses and said, "Mom, I pay you to kiss me!" [He got a new cash register for Christmas and loves to give away all the money so that we can purchase items as customers]. Where kissed are involved - I'm all in!

After spending a night "shopping" through Ty's toys, I was reminded of my prayer to live beyond ordinary. Living an ordinary life is easy. It's popular and everyday. Most people are doing it.

I want my life to be extraordinary...exceptional...spectacular!

It's too bad the "extra" requires time and patience and character. It beckons me to commune with God and to view the world through supernatural, God-fearing lenses. The payout, of course, is worthwhile, but the growing pains can be uncomfortable.

I wish I wasn't such a child when it comes to waiting and trusting...

There are so many areas of my life that I'm trusting God for, right now. So much so, that I whittled my new year's goals down to two.

Move more and eat less (hence the afore mentioned spinach omelet)
Live beyond my natural ability (inspired by John Bevere)

Psalm 139:16 says, "Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed."

We won't be judged by what we did. We'll be judged on what we were called to do. ~ JOHN BEVERE

In order to do all the things I know God has called me to do, I have to stop living in my own ability and start walking in the full power of God.

I am stirred and encouraged even as I type. This is going to be a good year. I am going to run after the Father with everything in me. I'm going to read my Bible more than I watch TV, pray more than I worry, give more than I get, and love beyond what's deserved.

With so many things outside my control, it feels really good to throw my energy into something that I can control...me.

I'm looking forward to the change along the way. I know God's not finished with me, yet.

Year End Review {2011}

2011-12-31T18:06:00.000-05:00

January: Ty goes sledding for the first time and has a ball!

February: Ty's vocabulary starts to explode and we enjoy a quiet month at home.

March: I take a fun trip to Chicago with my girlfriends!

April: Ty moves to a big boy bed and gets bunk beds!

May: Rebekah came to visit!!

June: Ty turns two and starts getting haircuts by mommy (thankfully, they've improved!)

July: We take Ty on his first camping excursion exploring caves, swimming in waterfalls, and kayaking in the beautiful Watauga lake.

August: I turn 30 and graduate with my MBA in the same week. We celebrate with the coolest pirate murder-mystery party ever! (And TY gets potty-trained in a weekend by Nana!)

September: We had a crazy family camping trip that produced 90 and 40 degree weather in the same weekend!

October: I finished teaching my first college course, we finished our PRIDE training for foster adoption, and we enjoyed two trips to the orchard for apple picking!

November: I made my goal time of under an hour (by 30 seconds!) at our annual mountain bike race.

December: We book-ended our travels with a trip to Houston and San Antonio for Christmas (Other trips included: Toronto, Hocking Hills - OH, Appalachian Mountians - TN, Lake City - MI, Port Huron - MI, and Holland-MI).

Peace From the Inside Out

2011-12-19T22:34:00.000-05:00

I am just bathing in peace these days. I've never quite felt this way before so it all seems serene and somewhat strange. We haven't heard from our case worker since the news came in on little boy, but I suspect that will be how the next several months go. I was contacted last week by a sweet bloggy friend that has connection to a foster mom with a 3 month old baby girl facing parental termination (the foster mom does not have plans to adopt). Baby girl's mom is a baby herself...14. I know next to nothing about the mother or her daughter, but I have inquired on whether or not they both would be available for adoption.

I haven't been able to shake this young mother from my heart. Pregnant at fourteen? Where were her parents?

I don't know exactly what God is doing in my heart, but he has given me an extra dose of love lately for his people. There are two other adults in my life, right now, that haven't had much of a home or family life. God has connected them to Ben and I and given us a real opportunity to take them in and show them the face of Jesus. I know that adoption is "my thing", but my eyes have been wide open to the hurting people around me...all in desperate need of family.

I made a pact with God. I'm going to lovingly mother each person he whispers to my heart. Whether formal adoption transpires or not, I'm ready to use my passions for my Savior. Even in adulthood, we need family - community.

Yes, we would love a little person for Ty to brother and, of course, the above mentioned situation lends itself to Ty's two year old cries for a baby sister, but God is transforming my mind to look past the natural.

I don't know where our path is going or how our family is shaping, but I do know that I've never been so rooted by peace. What a wonderful surety to take into Christmas.

My heart is bursting, my lips singing, JESUS IS LORD.

If I don't talk to you before, have a very Merry Christmas and hold your loved ones tight. I also ask that you stand with me in prayer for this young mother. Pray that she, too, would feel peace from the inside out.

Ben

2011-12-12T23:25:00.000-05:00

This is my husband. And boy do I love him...

I walked in commencement for my master's, this weekend, on his birthday. He never complained.

I could feel his pride as I walked the stage and spent the next two hours of the ceremony reliving some of our moments. I have always had huge vision and lofty goals. In high school, Ben would say, "I just want to spend my life carrying your luggage from adventure to adventure."

Back then I thought it highly romantic, today I see the sacrifice in his heart. His loyalty is fierce and friendship faithful. He really had no idea what he was signing up for when he picked me.

I thought through our successes and failures as a family. The high highs and low lows.

There were several moments through my program where I almost quit. Working, schooling, and mothering was enough to get me to the edge of breakdown within minutes. When the tears started to peak, Ben would say, "You can do this. You only have __ more months left. The end is in sight" or "You're either going to be 30 with a son and graduate degree or you're going to be 30 with a son and no degree - it's your choice."

God gave me Ben. He is a gift to my life, a constant cheerleader, a forever friend. He's funny and generous and kind. His heart is tender and mind quick. Ty is just like him.

I'm shouting thankfulness to heaven for the man created for God, but living with me.

Little Boy

2011-12-09T15:32:00.000-05:00

We heard from our case worker yesterday that little boy's case worker has three families to choose from. Emotionally, we have removed ourselves from the running. The other families both have connection to him, one family fostered him earlier this year and the other adopted two of his siblings.

I was not able to talk/write about it, yesterday, because I wasn't quite done holding him in my heart. I'm not devastated or emotional, but I am sad. From little boy's view, he's a big winner and I'm thankful that his transition will be smoother given the history with both families.

Last night I was folding laundry, while Ben and I sat on our bed and talked. I said, "You know I'm going to do this every time, right?"

Ben answered with, "What? Tell everyone we know and reorganize our lives as if that child is coming home tomorrow? Yes, honey, I know. It's what I love most about you. You only know how to be extraordinary."

I love my husband.

I love that the two of can be so vastly different, yet so appreciative of the other.

I admit. In my head I had started raising twins. I was dressing them alike, while searching for coordinating quilt patterns for their bunk beds and planning a welcome home party. I took little boy into my heart the moment I heard his name...and I don't regret doing it.

I had a massive number of people in my sphere of influence praying for little boy and the right family for him. I believe that those prayers are and will be answered. Sure, I have to go back and tell everyone that we are still a family of three...but, I'm an all-out-there, heart wide-open kind of girl. I want people beside me, especially in these moments.

I told my co-workers, today, that my heart remains hopeful and true to my present family. I will continue to dream and pray, of course, but I am compelled to soak in every second of being mommy to one.

When I told Ty last night that little boy was probably going to live with another family, his response was, "I want a baby sister!"

I had to laugh. Ty is certain that God will bring him a baby sister. Maybe he will...

The Waiting Game

2011-12-07T22:40:00.001-05:00

Tonight we were sitting on the couch and Ty said, "Hey...Mama. I just tootied on your leg...I'm sneaky."

"Oh, good grief, Ty. What is with you and your daddy? Lord help me! I'm surrounded by boys."

I roll my eyes and tease and feign disgust at some of their actions, but the truth is...I love living with boys. I love mothering a son. For the past week I haven't thought much beyond mothering two sons...

Sigh. No news.

I have been praying and hoping and dreaming for little boy, wondering if he's safe...warm...and feeling loved. It is extremely difficult to stay neutral in the matter when your life is run by explosions of passion that make it impossible not to dive in deep.

My time sitting on the start-up agency's board, however, gave me an important perspective to this process and respect for the people who drive it. I heard multiple case workers refer to prospective adoptive parents as "high maintenance" because we tend to only see our case, opposed to the worker's twenty others. Those words have echoed through my thoughts this week. I haven't called since the call.

If our case worker had news, she would pass it on. Pestering her for updates each day will only waste precious time needed by other children and/or families. The waiting, however, is horrific. I just want to know.

I want to know if little boy's case worker has had time to read our file, yet...I want to know what the process looks like from here if we are matched...I, of course, want to know when we would get to meet him...and when he'd get to come home...

His case is laced with sadness that makes it difficult to restrain from beating on every door in the county until we find him. Ben is playing it very "cool" and taking each day in stride, remaining cautious. Not me. I threw all reservations to the wind and fully connected with little boy on paper. I've read and re-read his case six times and counting.

A mother's heart doesn't need a picture or touch or relationship to care deeply.

I am, however, daily handing over a specific portion of my hell-bound flesh to the Lord. It's the part that automatically connects my compassion for little boy to God's will. I recognize the danger in walking that line and have seen enough to know that my feelings are completely unreliable and lead me astray time and time again. Just because I felt an instant connection to little boy doesn't mean that another mother didn't feel the same connection. Just because I read little boy's file and feel like his mother doesn't mean that God's redemption won't play out differently.

I've never done this before. I've never been handed a heartbreaking story and then been asked the question..."Will you choose this one?" I might feel this way every time. I don't know.

Because of this unknown, I'm choosing to trust the One made known.

The waiting isn't easy, but the trusting is.

God is faithful.

All the time. In every way.

A Family of Four...?

2011-12-02T00:42:00.000-05:00

For all the obstacles we faced early on in the foster adoption process, God has granted us tremendous favor. We talked to a couple the other day that has been waiting 9 months on paperwork processing, alone. Last night we had our last meeting with our case worker and the first meeting with our licensing worker. The meeting was a little intense as the foster information was quite extensive, but we took it in stride.

As our workers walked out the door, our case worker wished us a Merry Christmas and said, "2012 is going to be a big year of change for your family." We smiled and thanked them for their time.

We truly are in a state of God's perfect peace. I hope that our family will expand, next year, but I'm okay if it doesn't. I hadn't put much reflection into what 2012 was going to bring for us (isn't that what January is for?), therefore was blindsided by an email I received this morning. It went something like, "Rebekah, I submitted your family assessment this morning to my supervisor. I’ve attached a child adoption assessment on a 2-year-old male. I provided your information to his adoption worker for review."

I had to read it three times before I understood what our case worker was saying. Getting linked with a child this month was never in my realm of possibility. I, honestly, hadn't even thought of such a scenario. We, of course, looked through this sweet boy's profile, reading and re-reading all 12 pages. With every word our hearts screamed Yes, Lord. We're ready.

At this point, we know a lot about this little boy, his parents/termination of rights, and the story that brought him to this place. What we don't know is how many families have been submitted for consideration or whether or not his case worker will deem us a good fit.

There is something really special about this two year old that resonates with us. It's strange to feel so connected to paper. There's no picture or emotion provided, yet, the resilience in his report stirs our hearts.

I am praying for this sweet boy tonight. Not that he would be ours or that we would receive confirmation tomorrow. Rather, I am praying God's perfect will for his life. I am praying protection over his little heart. I am praying that God would give wisdom and clarity to his case worker, so that she can quickly identify the best family to meet his needs...knowing we may not be the choice.

Please join us in prayer for this gift of God. Wouldn't it be wonderful if baby boy could be matched with his forever family for Christmas? I'll keep you updated as I find out information. Thank you for continuing to stand with us as we trust God for our family.

Q&A: Birth Mom Terminology

2011-11-13T21:29:00.002-05:00

Christa's Question:

You know, as I go through the process of adoption I wonder what we should call our birthparents in front of our child. To say "birth" mother would raise questions about birth itself and at Ty's age I wouldn't want to explain the birds and the bees. "Biological" seems too big of a word but even "first" mom doesn't sound right. It implies you're second and may also imply there would be more moms to come after you, like a third and a fourth mom, at least from a child's way of thinking. "Real" mom to me is inappropriate and something I would never use because to me we're both real. Neither mother is fake. My social worker recommended using "biological" but I was wondering whether you and Ben struggled with the same ideas of introducing adoption terms to Ty.

When Ben and I first dipped our toes into adopting waters, we asked a lot of the same questions and I don't know that we had answers pre-Ty. For me, adoption is such a progressive process that continuously changes the way I view my family and the world. Ben and I are super laid-back people and we decided from the beginning that the topic of adoption would be wide open conversation in and out of our home. Rebekah and her family are an extension of ours and we talk about them often.

When it comes to adoption lingo, I believe that it, truly, comes down to security. If you are secure in your role as mother, than there is no threat in terminology. We did ask Rebekah in the beginning of our friendship what she envisioned Ty calling her. It was her idea to use "Miss Rebekah" and whether we called her Ty's birth mother or first mother, she didn't have a preference.

Today, we use them all interchangeably. Because Ty understands Rebekah's place in his life (as much as he can at 2 1/2), when him and I talk about her, I simply say, "Miss Rebekah". If I'm talking about Rebekah with friends I call her by name, but if I'm talking about her to someone that doesn't know our story well, I most often refer to her as "Ty's mom."

The use of Ty's mom, used to bug some people around me, but I have never been threatened by it. She is Ty's mom and deserves to be referred to as such. Calling her mom, doesn't make me feel any less the role.

When Ty talks about Rebekah, he often says "My first mama," which I find completely endearing. It warms my heart every time I hear those words. For me, it represents a well-rounded kid that understands his beginning, as well as his present.

So far, Ty has not experienced confusion. He loves Rebekah because we love her and talks positively about adoption because we do. Open dialog and God-centered confidence make the complications of adoption a natural topic in our home.

If you have a question, feel free to leave it in the comments or email me directly. I am certainly not an expert, but will write openly and honestly from our experiences so far.

Family Assessment - Take 2

2011-11-07T22:17:00.000-05:00

I am so encouraged.

I was thinking about apostle Paul tonight. He was imprisoned when he wrote about the peace of God surpassing all understanding [Philippians 4]. Although my life pales in comparison to his, I am walking in that same, steady, I-can't-be-shaken peace.

I am so thankful for God's mercy that he would allow us to experience such peace.

We completed our family assessment tonight and it went really well (because we're pursuing a foster license we had to have a new one done). Our case worker has been a complete God-send. I met her through the start-up adoption agency I was helping out with, earlier this year. Where every other agency said "no", she advocated for us and returned a "yes". It was made very clear during our PRIDE training sessions that unless we were open to fostering children, our application could sit untouched and unprocessed for up to a year. One trainer actually said, "Families unwilling to foster are, unfortunately, not a priority."

I'm not here to dog her comment or agency, because I get it. I did a tremendous amount of research when I was involved with the start-up agency. I understand the money, I understand the need, and I totally understand the lack of staffing versus the number of cases that come through our state.

Understanding, however, didn't make the process of pushing our adoption application through any less frustrating. A process that could have taken months, has only taken us a few weeks - beginning to end. I believe it's the favor of God. He's driving this bus, we're just sitting in the front seat, keeping our eyes out for signs, unsure of which way He'll turn.

What seemed scary even a few weeks ago, doesn't hold up, tonight, and the unanswered questions seem, oddly, less necessary.

As we signed the last few pieces of paper and talked about the types of kids that could one day call us "mom" and "dad" our hearts were widened.

Even though we're pursuing adoption, without fostering, we are in track for receiving a foster license. We've been encouraged to do this from many different angles and believe it puts us in a better position of taking in kids sooner in emergency situations. This topic, led by our case worker, forced us to answer the question of whether or not we'd be open to housing children whose parental rights are on their way to termination, but haven't been terminated.

Because the peace of God has moved in, we said "yes" without flinching. Our case worker confirmed that we understood the risk.

We do.

We trust God.

I know some people will wonder why we're okay to do this, but not foster. It's not really a topic I want to pick apart, but I will say that we're walking in the path that God has called us.

When our case worker left, I looked at Ty and said, "What do you think? Will Miss _________ be able to help find us brothers and sisters for you?"

Ty's reply was, "No, Mommy. Jesus will bring them to me."

I didn't bother explaining that God often uses people to do his work.

I'm praising God, tonight, for our case worker's kindness...
For little Ty's intuitive heart that has begun the pursuit of his Savior...
And, most of all, for God's total and complete goodness that is every shade of beautiful.

My God Will Come Through Always

2011-11-03T00:05:00.001-04:00

People claim to know God, but they deny him by the way they live.

Not my words, but Apostle Paul's [Titus 1:16 NLT]. My heart is undergoing some pretty big transformation - and I'm only a week in. I've heard my share of good messages, but recently I attended a conference and listened to John Bevere speak on extraordinary living. The shaking that took place in my heart was so violent, particles are still mid-float.

I have been distracted this year for various reasons, but God has been growing passion in my heart at an alarming rate, and it is time to focus my energy on His voice.

I made drastic changes this week.

It is not coincidental that we're knee deep in the foster license process at this time. Last week, we finished our ninth session of PRIDE training, submitted all the necessary paperwork [it sounds so easy stated this way!], and have our home study visit on Monday.

We have experienced a fair share of frustration during the process so far, but I believe that God has given me supernatural faith for this time; for His purpose. Unlike the roller-coaster of emotions I felt during domestic adoption, I am undaunted by the foster adoption path before us.

Do you love that Kristian Stanfill song as much as I do?

Oh, My God, He will not delay
My refuge and strength, always
I will not fear, his promise is true
My God will come through always

If I believe that my God will come through, always...is there any reason to be anxious?

No way.

I can't focus time on my fears or failures, because there's work to do. I have to trust God that His purpose will be multiplied in the life of my family.

There are 460,000 children in the U.S. foster care system.
114,000 of those kids are waiting for an adoptive family.
And 30,000 kids in the U.S. "age out" of the system every year.

What really drove these statistics home, this week, for Ben and me, is the fact that Michigan has approximately 10,000 churches and 4500 kids waiting for adoption. If half of those churches could produce one adoptive family, all the children in Michigan waiting for a home would have one.

Our hearts are on overload. In our first go-around, here, we're willing to take a sibling group of three. But God is stretching our hearts. What about the sibling groups of five or six? What about the eighteen-year-olds that never have "family"? When you allow God to move...boundaries are obliterated. I'm coming to Ben saying, "We can care for a baby addicted to cocaine" and he's coming to me saying, "We can care for teenagers in the independent living program."

What we can't do is adopt 114,000 kids [smile].

I am praying very specific prayers, right now, because I don't want to trust in my own abilities anymore. I don't want to cap God's power in my life, or put a limit on what's possible.

And I certainly don't ever want to be accused of denying God by the way we live...

Ty's Birthday Wishes to his 1st Mama

2011-10-18T21:13:00.000-04:00

Now that Ty is talking and understanding more, we've been sharing greater depths of his birth story and talking a lot about the day he was born and how Rebekah lovingly carried him in her belly for so many months. It's her birthday, so I had Ty send along some birthday wishes, tonight. In the video, Ty refers to Rebekah as his first mama. This is the first time he's used that phrase and it makes me so proud! To hear and see such affection displayed in Ty is reassuring that we're doing an okay job.

Happy Birthday, sweet friend!!

Ripped-Up Plans

2011-10-12T00:08:00.001-04:00

"On this piece of paper, here, I want you to write down what you plan to do tomorrow and with whom. What about next year? In five years? What is your life plan?...Good. Now I'd like you to read your words...Rebekah, what's in your five year plan?"

Well, professionally, I hope to be in pursuit of my PhD, teaching classes at university, have a publishing contract, and maybe writing adoption books for kids. Personally, I hope to be a mother to multiples - 3? 4? 5?"

"Wow. Okay, that's ambitious. Ben, what about your plan?"

Me? I'm just exhausted from hearing her plan. [everyone laughs]

"I want everyone to stand up with plan in hand and rip it to shreds...what are you going to do when your plan doesn't go as planned?"

Our first day of foster license training included this exercise. It was simple, yet it carried with me into my week. Ben and I have gotten really good at letting God rewrite our plans - to fall in line with his. I'm a mixed bag of emotions as we head down this road again. My tank is running about 90/10. Ninety percent certain of God's faithful hand and ten percent shaken at the prospect of what that means.

I stifled sobs throughout our first day of training. The heaviness of what we're walking into is palpable. The cases we studied - the stories we heard - made me want to run to and from the system...at the same time. I'm anxious of all the uncertainties that exist, but equally broken with the stories; it's hard to know how to function.

It's a strange dynamic.

I want to be excited about the possibility of expanding our family, yet there's this underlying tone of despair that comes with reasons for placement. I feel like I'm in this strange euphoric place, saying, "God. Your will be done. My mind can't comprehend the future, but I'm willing to let you lead me blind. Whether we adopt one or ten, this year or next, it doesn't matter. I trust you. And I'm going to continue to put one foot in front of the other as you finish the work you have started."

The adoption process that led us to sweet Ty was nothing like this. I was anxious and emotional and insecure. One day my emotions rang high, the others they bottomed low. I never felt this calm, steady, or at peace. I know part of that was the throbbing hole in my heart to mother. Walking this same, but slightly veering, trail with a little hand in mine makes all the difference.

When Ty boisterously proclaims, "Jesus. I need a sister," I don't ache with want, but instead look up and repeat...You heard him, Father. He needs a sister. (Smile)

The security in knowing that God has called us to walk this path is enough to lead me to my tape dispenser. I can tape my ripped plans back together and hang them on the fridge as mementos...reminders that God brushes with strokes of an artist. His picture has more depth and detail than mine ever would.

Three more weeks of training and an updated home study in November start to turn the key of our future.

Hoop Jumping

2011-09-27T23:24:00.002-04:00

This week, Ty learned how to jump. He's been working on it for months, but up to this point his feet never left the ground at the same time - which resulted in a funny, squat-like gallop. Ty is so proud of his accomplishment. When we're out, he'll tell any stranger that will listen, "Look. Ty jump'n!"

I'm bottling his enthusiasm and applying it to the next chapter of our hoop-jumping adoption process. I will say, adoption looks much different the second time around through God-is-faithful, mom lenses.

The process hasn't changed, but I sure have.

For me, the last several months were packed with responsibilities and class and marathon laundry nights. I had several bouts of near-anxiety attacks that left my chest heaving and my head swimming. To find my breath, I resigned my position at the new start-up agency I had mentioned before and laid down all things adoption to focus on getting through my studies and keeping my marriage intact. It's been a rough few months on all of us.

I was getting so discouraged by the foster adoption door-slamming, I had to take a five second time out to regroup. Because it's been so far between posts, I can't remember what I have and haven't shared. I'm going to give you a quick recap on where we're at as a family:

Ben and I are confident that God is calling us to adopt children from foster care.
We are sure that fostering children is not for us at this time and are only looking to adopt wards of the state (the primary reason for this is that we both work full time, and while we know this isn't a deal-breaker as far as the state is concerned, it's not where we see God leading).
We would like Ty to be our oldest child and realize this may make for a long process (Ty will only be 2 1/2 when we're licensed).
We are open to all races and sibling groups
Ty has been praying for a baby sister (we chalk it up to the many girl friends that surround him!)

Because God's faithfulness has been sewn deep into my heart, waiting for his plan to come to fruition has been easy (this time around). I know that God is beckoning us into the world of foster adoption. Whether that happens next month, next year, or in the next decade, I know that this seed will blossom and I'm content to wait (although recognizing that this post may come to haunt me). There are two parts of this adoption vision that have really taken root. The first is to adopt a sibling group that will otherwise be split up and the second is to adopt a teenager. I believe both desires are by God and foresee them playing out in the distant future.

When we signed up for adoption we didn't know what we were getting into, but now that we do, we don't want out. Knowing that this will be a lifelong passion, allows us to take the obstacles in stride.

And there are obstacles....

Agencies (8 to be exact) don't want to work with us because we're not willing to sign-up as foster parents and we aren't willing to adopt a child over the age of 7 (at this time).
A friend/social worker got permission from her supervisor to represent us, but before the home study can be updated we have to complete PRIDE training - which is only offered a half day each week at an hour impossible for us to attend.
Every time I call DHS for answers I talk to six people before getting to the person who can answer my question.

Most of this investigative work happened at the tail end of my master's and it was just too much. I made all eight agency calls on the same day and by the end of it I felt suffocated. I was so overwhelmed with life that I threw God's vision back and told him we'd have to talk later. I needed to focus on the ending task before me. That was a few months ago.

Last week, out of nowhere, an urge to press on filled my heart. I came home and told Ben, "I'm ready to fight for our kids."

I am.

I'm full of hope and vision and know that God will finish the good work he has started.

I feel really good about our game plan, which I'll save for next time due to the length of this post! After multiple calls and some direct words to - let's call them - people of the system, we found representation for PRIDE Training and start next weekend.

I'm a little nervous, but mostly thoughtful when it comes to this new crisp page in our family book. We have to jump the hoops to pass through the system, but God is so much bigger than rules and statistics and tendencies. I know he's called us. I know we're willing. And I know there are a lot of kids in need of family...

Siblings

2011-09-08T21:14:00.001-04:00

As most of you know, Ty has multiple siblings (on both birth parent sides). Although we (including Ty) have met most of his siblings and our relationship is inclusive of both families, communication is predominantly with Rebekah. The sibling relationship is challenging because of the distance between all of us and although we love Ty's siblings very much, there is little to no correspondence with them because most of our conversations are with his parents.

I have connected, however, with one of Ty's older siblings and our relationship has really begun to blossom over the past several months. Last week I received a note that touched me so deeply, on multiple levels, I haven't been able to stop thinking about it:

Those words are humbling to read. I am thankful to be viewed so favorably, but the last few lines are throat cloggers. And ~sigh~ I'll admit it. I'm glad you're my brother's mother...Those are words of a struggling sibling still coming to terms with adoption.

It breaks my heart. Ben and I have said so many times that when we adopted Ty, we adopted a family. Not for the purposes of rescuing them or being some semblance of hero, but because they're a part of him and his story and his life. Reading this letter, challenged me to do more and love harder.

While all that has been mulling around in my head, I received disheartening news about another one of Ty's siblings. As a matter-of-fact, the news was so startling I came right home and snuggled Ty as close as I could for as long as he'd let me.

My sweet, tender boy, said, "Mama sad?"

"Yes, sweetheart, Mama is sad."

"Mama need more snuggles?"

I could hardly speak at that point and told Ty how thankful I was to be a family.

The above pieces to my week made me realize how truly connected we are with Ty's family and that no matter what the cost, we have a responsibility to love on these kids at every opportunity.

At two, Ty doesn't really get it. When I told him we were going to pray for his brother tonight, he responded with, "No, mama, Ty needs baby sister." (He insists that Jesus wants him to have a baby sister). I didn't press the issue and decided at this point it might just be better to stick with sibling names and drop the "brother/sister" part.

Just when I think I've got this open adoption thing down, God speaks to me and gives me further glimpses of his Truth. His reminders are so gentle, but convicting at the same time. The last several months have been very me-focused, as my attention was narrowed on finishing my degree. Now that it's done, I'm opening my heart again and praying for God to give me clarity of vision.

I don't know why God chose us for this...but I'm certain that he did. My hands are open, my feet are walking, and my heart is ready to love.

Back for Good

2011-09-07T21:18:00.001-04:00

I never intended to take a sabbatical from this space, but it sure turned out that way! The last six months of my life have been extremely pressing. I was not prepared for how grueling the last semester of graduate school would be. It took every ounce of strength I had to remain focused. There were several weeks in there that I was also furiously working to help build a foster adoption agency, which in turn, led to many DHS phone calls and roller emotions within me. By the time I finished my MBA in mid-August, I was so frazzled, I couldn't tell you which end was up.

I've spent the last few weeks taking deep breaths and reconnecting with my family.

There is so much to say in regards to where God is leading us, the inefficiencies I feel, and the sureties that have taken root. I can't wait to dive into foster adoption with you, as we explore God's calling for our family.

I am so thankful to have the summer behind me and the responsibilities that ended with it. Little Ty, who currently thinks he's a puppy, has grown so much in the past several months. From big boy bed to potty trained to eight word sentences, it's incredible to watch him form.

I'll let him close this post. Know that we're back and excited to have you walk this new journey with us!

Alive & Well

2011-07-08T23:43:00.001-04:00

Thank you for all your kind words and concern! I know I dropped off the map without warning and I promise I'll be back in full swing in a couple of weeks. My head and heart feel knotted congestion, with no release on words. My absence does not equate to drama, I simply had to retreat and concentrate on the final push of getting through my Master's. I'll be done in a few weeks; I'm counting the days.

We have so much to catch up on....our trip with Rebekah was wonderful. She has become a sister to me and I miss her so much when we're apart! I've been named executive director of the foster adoption agency I spoke of several months ago. Our doors will open soon and Ben and I plan to be the first application processed.

Tyrus turned two, we took our first family camping trip, and I was just presented an opportunity to teach my first business class, in the fall.

There is much in my heart to share...but I must continue to focus my energy on finishing my last MBA class and putting the final touches on my thesis, while helping build a much-needed agency that addresses concerns left in the wake of a broken foster care system.

I feel as though I'm climbing up out of a blender. My thoughts and plans for our future have been mashed and pulsed through God's prodding, but I know the pouring season is about to begin.

I love you and miss you and promise to be back soon. We'll dive into my heart together and talk about what God's been doing in my life.

I hope you're all enjoying your summers - I can't wait to reconnect!

Two Rebekahs, One Interview

2011-05-16T20:12:00.000-04:00

Words and pictures from our visit to come. For now, enjoy our candid video as we answer your questions. It's a bit lengthy, I had to cut the segments in three (40 min total), but I think you'll enjoy them as we explore our experience in open adoption.

I hope this gave you a good peak into our friendship; I cherish it more than I can say!

Ty & His Mothers

2011-05-08T20:26:00.003-04:00

Well, this is our attempt at a Mother's Day video. As you will soon see, Ty is getting quite boisterous. I love his energy and just-found independence. Mothering him is no doubt one of the largest privileges in my life.

Knowing Rebekah is equally as gratifying. After a year apart, I will finally be able to throw my arms around her in six days. SIX DAYS! I am so excited for our family to be together, again, I almost can't wait. First off, I just want to see her - the girl has lost 100 pounds. Secondly, thirdly, and fourthly, I can't wait for her to see us in our environment - to stay in our home, see our community, help put Ty to bed, etc; to meet our closest friends and family; and to have some good, old-fashioned, girl time (when Ty is asleep, of course!).

I plan to do another video, similar to last year's. I thought it might be fun to involve all of you...since you're such a big part of both of our worlds. If you have a question you'd like to ask one or both of us, here's your opportunity! As long as you're respectful, not many questions are off-limits. Just be sure to reference which Rebekah you're asking if it's not obvious - you can use CO-Rebekah or MI-Rebekah (me), that's probably a good definer!

We'll read your questions aloud and answer them on our video.

Feel free to post your questions, here, in the comments, or email them to me, personally. I know there are many pictures, words, and tears to come. I'm looking forward to sharing them with you.

God's Love & Sloppy Kisses

2011-05-06T00:42:00.001-04:00

It's been a long, tiring week for reasons beyond not getting anywhere with DHS and foster care research, but TODAY was a bright, shining day. God reminded me (I hate that I need reminding) just how faithful he is. He provided me snapshots of me, in moments of high and low, while narrating the story that he wrote.

My life has been marred by different failures - people, body, personal mistakes...but never by God. God has never failed me. If that doesn't put a bounce in your step, I don't know what will.

I walked in the door with a light heart and immediately started wrestling with Ty, when he grabbed both my cheeks and gave me an under-puckered, wet, sloppy kiss.

I cried with joy, thanked God for his goodness, and continued to chase Ty around the kitchen table.

Why do I doubt?

God's sweet love.

Where do we go from here?

2011-05-01T23:15:00.001-04:00

I am so thankful for the flood of response I've received from comments and emails. I had no idea I had so many readers with such a wealth of foster adoption information! Admittedly, I'm feeling pretty discouraged.

Going in, I knew our 0-3 age specifications were going to be limiting, but I guess I figured the openness to ethnicity and siblings would help our odds. After reading more about the legal process, I understand why our chances of adopting, apart from fostering, are so slim.

Keeping birth order really isn't something we've cemented, but adopting children under the age of four is important to us, right now. It really has nothing to do with the amount of life the kids have seen or lived, but everything to do with our readiness as parents. We have grown-up alongside Tyrus and each transitioning stage requires conversations, prayer, and preparation. I'm really not ready (and maybe willing is a better word here, although it sound terrible) to skip years worth of stages.

As parents, Ben and I are just coming into hard-core discipline and have many discussions on what we should do, how we should do it, and what makes the most sense for a two year old. Adopting a 7 or 8 year old, right now, would throw such a curve ball. I would much rather adopt a 7 or 8 year old in 5 years, when we have more experience under our belts. I know critics would say our lack of experience is inconsequential compared to the love so many of these children need, but my feet are firm on the matter.

I want, more than anything, to adopt teenagers someday, but, right now, we (along with all of our friends) are in parenting-little-kid mode and we want to learn to do that well before moving on.

So that leaves me with the stomach pitting question of What do we do?

This morning, I cried out to God and said something along the lines of "Why can't my body just work?"

I didn't bother to let the Holy Spirit respond. I know the answer and repeated it on cue.

The way I see it, we have a handful of options:

Throw our adoption tax credit into the domestic adoption system instead of paying off student loans.
Try to find an expectant mother ourselves and start a self-promotion campaign, even to the point of newspaper adds and community bulletins (gag me).
Jump through the hoops of being foster adoption "ready" only to wait years on end, barring a miracle of God.
Decide to foster 0-3 kids and pray for adoption blinders, so that I can fully commit to supporting the reunification process and intent.
Wait five years and go into foster adoption with a 0-8 age range.

I don't like any of them. Reading through such a list is a sure crying trigger and has the ability to take me right to the why-me gutter.

Thankfully, Ty's adoption required a heart revolution and I can usually, confidently, dismiss anti-Christ seeds from taking root.

Part of the curse of infertility (at least for me) is that it never fully goes away. I hate that my motherhood is completely dependent on the heartbreaking sacrifice (domestic adoption) or delinquency (foster adoption) of other mothers.

Adopting Again

2011-04-29T08:54:00.003-04:00

It’s a new chapter, a fresh page.

Within minutes of making the decision to adopt again, my fingers flew across the keys in research. We know where we’ve been called, what we’re looking for, and we feel equipped to do it. There’s something invigorating about such confidence that was lacking the first time around.

After ten minutes of searching, however, my balloon began to deflate.

If I thought the manual to open domestic adoption was missing, it’s completely non-existent in foster care adoption. Every website I visited was a complicated mess of tangled details that left me with more questions than answers.

Finally, I found a site that listed Michigan adoption agencies and the type of adoptions they specialize in. I’m starting out very particular. I don’t want to use an agency that does anything more than foster care adoptions. My main reasons are both centered on pressure. I don’t want to be pressured into moving into a money-making sector of an agency, nor do I want to be talked into fostering.

For right now, we know that God is calling us to adopt child(ren) out of foster care. We don’t feel right about fostering kids with the end goal being adoption. It goes against the grain of the system’s reconciliation purpose and it doesn’t align with what we feel God’s asking us to do.

I could only find three agencies in our area that met my specifications, so I emailed all three the same snapshot. In essence, I described our passion for adoption, our openness to race and sibling groups, and our desire to honor birth order.

We may not always feel this way, but (again) for now, we would like Ty to be the oldest. Assuming assessment and placement takes around a year, we’re asking to look at children from 0-3 years old.

This morning, I received my top-picked agency’s response.

Strike one.

I’m sorry, but we’re only accepting applications of parents wishing to adopt children over the age of 8. Parents with your specifications wait years. If you change your mind, please contact us again.

My heart fluttered for a moment and I thought about how much easier it would be to ignore the call of God and run back to the familiar. (How backward is your reproductive life when adopting, domestically, is the easy answer?)

Thankfully, my heart surged forward and, with determination, I reminded myself that we have two more strikes. And if need be, two after that. And four after that…

God is beckoning.

We are moving.

My dreams are too big to contain. I hope you’ll join me as we turn the page.

Parenting 101: Don't put Jesus in the Closet.

2011-04-24T22:44:00.000-04:00

Ty's language exploded in the last few weeks and the connections his little head puts together make me laugh. All week, we've been talking about Easter and what it means to us as Christ-followers. I mostly get blank stares when I tell him stories so I really don't know what he's retaining or understanding.

This morning, I jumped in Ty's bed, told him how madly in love with him I am and asked if he remembered what we're celebrating today. He promptly asked for daddy.

"Ty, daddy's still sleeping. Do you remember what mommy told you about, today? It's Easter."

Eas-turrr.

"Yes. When you see people today, you should say, 'Happy Easter'."

Happy Burr-thday!!

No. Happy Easter.

Burr-thday!!

Okay, whatever. Do you remember who we're celebrating today?

Daddy?

"No, Ty. Daddy's sleeping. We're celebrating Jesus. He died for us...but then rose again!"

Then. With the most concerning look I've ever seen from a two year old, Ty asks. Mama...Jesus go?

What do you mean, Ty? He died, but then he rose again.

Very matter-of-fact like Ty reiterates his point. Mama, baby Jesus go?

Ohhhh...you mean baby Jesus from your advent calendar? We packed him away with Christmas.

I had a dozen variations of this conversation, today, when Ben, finally, said, "Honey. I'm not sure we're communicating well, here. Maybe telling Ty we pack Jesus away until next year, isn't the best idea!!"

That made us both laugh.

At bed time, when Ty asked about baby Jesus for the upteenth time, I promised we'd fish him out of the closet so that we could celebrate him all year long, without question!

From our family to yours, Ty says, "Happy Burr-thday!!"

Rebekah

2011-04-19T22:30:00.001-04:00

Rebekah is coming to visit. Soon. And I am, literally, giddy with excitement.

Admittedly, I have been a horrid friend this year. Not just to Rebekah to everyone. This last push to my master's finish line has been more grueling than I was prepared for. My friends and family would tell you - I don't call; I don't write; I don't attend parties. Work-Ty-homework-sleep, has pretty much become the rhythm of my days. And if someone...let's say...Ben (for example), wants to spend time with me, it has to fall within the first two beats of the pattern because the last two are pretty much non-negotiable. It's bad, I know. Certainly not an ideal situation, but the end is near (August!)

Rebekah is one of the people I miss most. I love the uniqueness in our friendship and that our affection comes from mothering the same son. I want Rebekah to know and experience sweet Tyrus in the same ways that I do and having her come stay with us, in Ty's home, will allow her that opportunity.

From family wrestling to teeth brushing, I want Rebekah to see her son. She'll laugh at his silliness and cry in his tenderness, knowing, the whole time, that she has helped shape him.

I can't wait.

I've got about three weeks to jam all the homework in so that we can have a care-free, all about Rebekah & Ty, kind of weekend, but what a reward her visit will be. I look forward to sharing it (and new pictures) with you!

Give Hope. Win a $500 Visa Gift Card!!!!

2011-04-14T19:24:00.001-04:00

Please check out my Real Hope blog and find out how you can win a $500 Visa Gift Card! I am supporting an amazing group of college students that are doing a fantastic work at a nearby, inner-city, public school. I'm proud to know them and be part of such a cool initiative.

I hope one of my readers wins!!!

Life & Groceries

2011-03-28T22:11:00.000-04:00

We adopted a philosophy, along with a baby, nearly two years ago, now.

We chose not to be those never-leave-the-house-it's-too-much-hassle parents and from day two, started introducing our son to the world. From watching his daddy's band lead Chinese worship to ~~strolling~~ running (respectfully) through local art museums to helping cook dinner, we allow Ty to participate in life.

The benefits are shining. Ty's language has exploded and his manners are deliberate, as his little brain connects the most intricate details. It is wonderfully, fulfilling to watch unfold and makes me realize how incredibly, intelligent these little beings are.

Here is a little peak into our latest grocery excursion. Ty is responsible for selecting and carting his weekly essentials.

My mom bought him this Melissa & Doug, adult-like, shopping cart for Christmas and Ty loves it.

It's snapshots of everyday life that scream God's goodness.

I drink in these days and times and moments; it's hard to imagine they could ever be topped.

The Rebekahs Interviewed

2011-03-11T08:57:00.000-05:00

Did any of you catch that Heather over at Production not Reproduction made Adoptive Families magazine's Top 20 Blogs list? Not only is she an amazing resource for open adoption, but she recently interviewed both Rebekah and me, here. I've done many interviews before, but Heather asked some really unique questions specific to my blogging relationship with Rebekah.

Go check it out!

Inconceivable

2011-03-01T23:18:00.001-05:00

About a month ago I was asked to preview this soon-to-be released book, Inconceivable, by Carolyn and Sean Savage. It's no exaggeration to say I, anxiously, checked the mailbox every day until it came. My contact did not tell me of their decision to fight or relinquish rights, only that they had one shot at IVF and were implanted with another woman's embryo. Such a thought is shockingly, jaw-dropping.

My walk-away from Inconceivable is strange in that I, confidently, say, with conviction - It is a must read for all prospective adoptive parents, while at the same time, admitting it's not the best-written book I've ever read. This book is compelling on so many levels and I want to spend a majority of this review exploring those points, but I need to be honest in my feedback. I found myself gripped by the Savages courageous story, but their written words left me wanting more. Does that make sense? I skimmed through some of the chapters, quickly, and found the swapping of perspectives, between Carolyn and Sean, a bit repetitive and somewhat disjointed. Overall, their, horrendously, pain-filled story was relayed in a methodical way that didn't maximize the intensity of the emotions described.

That being said, I must reiterate, every prospective adoptive couple should read this story. There are so few resources available, in the adoption community, that realistically portray the birthing mother's devastation. As an adoptive mother, I related to Carolyn's pain on so many levels - the desolation of infertility, the world's callous reaction to her predicament, the heart-squeezing bond that developed between her and Sean, and the spiritual overhaul that knocked her to her knees.

Sean and Carolyn's darkness, coupled with the distancing behaviors of the genetic (relative to adoptive) parents, is enough to make you want to spit in the face of adoption and pray to God for another way. Even in the most loving scenarios, the birthing mother loses. I had to stifle sobs when Carolyn wrote, "the truth was that I felt gutted." Gutted. The gruesomeness of that word has replayed in my mind over and over again.

I found myself advocating for the Savages in such a big way, willing the genetic parents to open their hearts wider...to see the pain their coldness caused. One of Carolyn's closing remarks is in response to the birth announcement she receives from the family raising the baby she carried. Carolyn says, "Shannon had sent me a birth announcement for Logan at the same time and in the same way that she had announced him to her extended family and distant friends. This was what stabbed at my soul. I was now and forever more a bystander in his life."

I'm not sure any adoptive parent could read these words and not be challenged by their weight. In the opening chapters of Inconceivable, Carolyn and Sean describe the legal aspects of their case and Carolyn's words are haunting: "This baby could not survive without me, but judges had ruled repeatedly that my contribution to this life was irrelevant...I desperately wanted to read something that said I mattered."

Whether tied to adoption or not, I hope you'll allow the Savage's story to inspire and challenge you to love bigger. For more information please visit Sean & Carolyn's blog.

Quote of the Day

2011-02-20T19:47:00.000-05:00

We picked up our bunk beds, today, and I must admit...it was love at first sight. They are even more fantastic than the picture hinted at. Sturdy and rich, natural wood just screaming with character. Everything in me wanted to set them up tonight, but the deal we made with Ty is that he has to go poo-poo on the potty before he gets a big boy bed! We're working on the potty-training, now, but I don't anticipate that we'll be setting the beds up before his second birthday. Which is perfect timing for our next adoption(s) and the licensing to go through for the new agency that we want to use and that I recently became the executive director of (more on that to come).

For those that asked, we have not started the process of getting licensed for foster adoption, yet (we're waiting for me to finish my MBA) and we are not only open to taking a brother for Ty (as one of you so rudely suggested). We are wide-open to let God move here, as he sees fit. That being said, I believe that God will be adding a brother to our clan soon - a brother and a sister would be perfect...maybe even a brother and two sisters!

As we unloaded the beds and coordinating mattresses, Ben said, "I can't believe you found us such a great deal on this bed...Now all we gotta do is find us some more kids!" With a big sloppy kiss he headed out the door and my heart grew at least two-fold.

I love that man and I love the path God has us on.

A Pregnancy Test (of Sorts)

2011-02-16T21:51:00.002-05:00

Day 50 and still no period.

I don't dare mention that fact in real life or I'd, likely, hear references to the "p" word.

I hate that.

I wish everyone else around me could be as okay with my barrenness as I am. I'm not a soul waiting to be saved or a belly waiting for its seed. I'm a mom of another breed - and I'm okay with that!

I know my body well. I spent years trying to force it to do something it, clearly, didn't want to do and eventually...I just came to terms with it.

Around Day 48 I realized how refreshing it was to never have to wonder. To never be in that place of waiting for the right day and stocking up on tests, "just in case." I should have kept moving through my day, but for about three minutes I wallowed in a self-pity that has been absent for quite some time.

I wondered.

I wondered what it would be like to have your body work for you. How exhilarating it would be to pee with such exciting results. I wondered how I might have told Ben and the serious joy that would have raptured our home.

I didn't think about the pregnancy or the belly or the birth...only the emotion behind taking a test and getting an A. This thought escaped before I could capture it...

How incredible it must be! To run to the bathroom in a frenzy - a million thoughts dancing in your mind. The would bes and could bes writing their stories as you wait. Forget pregnancy and birth, the warmth of knowing your next chapter reveals itself on sticks is where I've truly missed out the most.

As quickly as it came the Holy Spirit swooped in and said, "Daughter, you haven't missed out. Look at the fullness of your life. The love you know. The family you share. They are missing out. Most people never love in this way."

And just like that, the conversation ended and I made plans to buy these bunk beds.

I know it sounds crazy.

I've been looking for awhile, so that Ty and his brother can build forts and dream of storming castles. This beaut is big bucks in stores, but I found it used on Craig's for half price.

We pick it up on Sunday.

Call it a build it/buy it- he-will-come mentality, but I felt strongly about this purchase.

That it's time.

Do you know what the best part of the deal was? When I told Ben we were picking up bunk beds on Sunday for our son that doesn't exist, to enjoy with his brother that does, Ben's only response was, "Okay, what time?"

I may not get to take pregnancy tests, but I do get to buy bunk beds.

I get to buy beds and watch them stand empty until God brings the right warm body to fill their space. In our family, an empty bed is the perfect reminder that God is moving.

And friends. He is moving.

I hope you know that today, in your own life.

Reconnecting

2011-02-14T02:02:00.001-05:00

For once, this post has nothing to do with Tyrus and everything to do with Ben and me. This blog has definitely taken a back seat to life in the last several months, as I've been forced to really hunker down and give all my spare time to finishing my Master's thesis and remaining classes. The good news is that it will all be over soon and life as we know it will fall back into stride.

I have so many updates from that new agency I told you about last fall to adopting to work changes, but tonight, I want to write about a little reconnecting that happened between Ben and me, last week.

The largest sufferer to my one-track school brain has been Ben. For nearly two years, my nights and weekends have been full of homework. So much so that I don't even remember the last time I grocery shopped or made dinner - Ben is super-hubby and does it all! So, when an opportunity came up for us to take an all-expenses-paid trip to Toronto for a long weekend, we jumped on it.

I'm not sure if I've ever mentioned this, here, before, but Ben plays in an all-Chinese worship band. The group sings in Mandarin and because they're one of only a few Mandarin Christian bands, they travel around to local church venues and hold nights of worship. The full service is in Mandarin.

It has been a really neat way for our whole family to step outside of our comfort and culture and join the Chinese in theirs. Sometimes there's translation available for me, sometimes not. But, worship is worship...in any language.

Well, Ben's band got asked to tour with a very popular Chinese artist, Amy Sand, who currently travels the globe, proclaiming Jesus in Mandarin. This tour happened to be in Toronto, where Ben and I honeymooned, nine years ago.

We left Ty at home with our best buds and set out for a weekend together. Ben had four evening performances (three of which I stayed back and did homework), but we were able to enjoy our days doing...whatever we wanted! Funny enough, we spent a lot of time sleeping (apparently we don't do much of that back home), but also took in a lot of the city and its life.

It was so good to be away. We talked and laughed and spent hours over dinner, reminiscing. One of our free nights we went to see the hit Broadway show, Billy Elliott (seriously, the best show I've ever seen) and there was a scene where Billy (who's 14) shares a song with his dead mom. He finds himself in a hard place in life and she comes back to encourage him. The song (The Letter) tore us to pieces. The chorus sings:

And I'll have missed you growing,
And I'll have missed you crying,
And I'll have missed you laugh.
Missed your stomping and your shouting,
I'll have missed telling you off,
But please Billy...
Know that I was always there

The little boy that played Billy looked just like Ty should look, twelve years from now. The first time they sang through the chorus all I could think about was how terrible it would be to miss out on Ty's life and then by the second chorus I realized that Rebekah was. Hearing the words through her view was enough to make me cry like a baby.

I was in a week-long state of reflection, while there. The Ben and Rebekah that honeymooned in Toronto nine years ago were so different from the Ben and Rebekah that worshiped with the Chinese, this time. Of course, we feel older, wiser, more mature. But there is something else we felt there.

Bonded.

It was almost like life had come full circle, in a ten-year-kind-of-way. The last time we visited it was via train. I remember stepping outside of the train station and looking Ben straight in the eyes...it felt like we had the whole world hinged on our love and that we were about to take the first step toward our bound-for-perfection future.

It's amazing how much life you live in ten years. How much hurt and devastation can overshadow so many of those years. But then one shining soul comes along, makes your world right, and allows you to see all the good, again.

When I looked at Ben in front of the train station, last week, I saw less of our future and more of our love. God has guided us through many peaks and valleys in our marriage and I don't know whether it's age or experience, but the longer we're together, the more peace-full I am.

Looking at Ben in the shadows of a big city, this time around, gave me deep admiration for the man he is and the marriage we have. It was so good to reconnect and dream... Our dreams for the next ten years are so different than the first ten. We were selfish then. It was all about us and our plans and our ambitions. Thank you God! for the revolution that's taken place in our hearts. Our family will never be the same.

It's pretty exciting to think about anniversary twenty...I know our story is just getting started.

Happy Adoption Day!!

2011-02-09T19:37:00.000-05:00

To Celebrate or Not to Celebrate

2011-01-31T23:46:00.000-05:00

The last couple of weeks I've been weighing the decision on whether or not we should make a big deal of Ty's official adoption day, coming up on February 9th. I don't know why it even weighed on my mind because in the grand scheme of things, does it really matter? I don't think so.

I was leaning toward acknowledging it as a great day, but not getting all crazy special about it. Mostly, because we've been loving and praying for this boy the day we found out about him, in Rebekah's womb. The fact that he legally became a part of our family on the ninth seems irrelevant.

If you read back to that post, you'll find that finalization was more of a rainbow day for me, as God reminded me of our journey together and the sign of promise he delivered through sweet Ty.

When I thought about our future family, however, I realized that adoption days will become much more significant. For a minutes-old baby that knows me as mom from the start, an adoption day is formality at best. But, for a 10 year old girl who's never experienced God's version of family, adoption day is a big deal.

I, recently, met a woman who was adopted from foster care at age 12. Her story is so appalling, yet, compelling that God used her to rev the engines of my heart.

We are needed in this God-desperate, people forsaken arena called foster care.

As I thought through the many scenarios and faces that will one day sit around our dinner table, I decided that adoption day is a day of proclamation. A day to rejoice in the goodness of God and the uniqueness of each thread that is woven through our family tapestry.

What a joy this little thread has been to our family. We gladly celebrate his life and adoption, next week. God is good!

Mom-E

2011-01-21T00:15:00.000-05:00

Time is flying.

My MBA is kicking my backside. Big time. I know that I am a college "kid," but nothing makes me feel like one more than multiple nights of 2am studying and paper writing. In one of my over-exhausted, writing binges I remember thinking about my first week home with Ty. I mean, home-home, not the out-of-state home we made do with for weeks on end.

We were home two weeks before my first MBA course started. I remember thinking, then, that it was suicide...but I gave myself the appropriate pep talk. Two years seemed forever in the future, especially when functioning on 4 hour chunks of sleep, but Ben would remind me that two years would be gone in a blink...and that I was either going to turn 30 with a master's degree or turn 30 without one. Either way I was going to turn 30.

And here we are. Nearly, two years later.

In six or so months, Ty will turn two. I will turn thirty. My first post-graduate degree will be done.

Wow. It feels good.

Although I've had moments of drowning, the part I feel most accomplished by is the mother I've been for Ty. With few exceptions, all of my homework was done during my lunch hour at work, nap times at home, and sleep times for the rest of humanity. That feels real good.

Ty is growing and changing so fast, I'm trying to savor each moment. Whether they come again through another little boy or girl doesn't matter...they won't come again for Tyrus. I'm quickly losing my baby to boyhood.

The paci is gone and Ty hardly batted an eye. We just cut it cold turkey and told him big boy's didn't need one. He never asked for it again.

The monkey in him is starting to climb and a big boy bed may be in our near future.

For weeks, the kid has been saying, "Poo Poo, Muma" right before he does it! He's starting to sit on the potty, now.

My favorite change was the introduction of Mom-E. Ty's sweet Mumas have melted my heart for so long, but the Mom-E takes me right to my thank-you-Jesus place. He's starting to put many syllable words together, now, and the pride that spreads across his face is evident.

Just tonight, Ben said to me, "You know he says one Dad-E for every six Mom-Es, right?"

"I do. I sure waited a long time to hear them. It's like he knows."

Thank you for continuing to follow our story and love on our family. God is doing so much in us and new chapters are on the brink of release. For the next few months my nose will continue to be in the book-grind, but thankfully the end is near!

Good for Disaster

2011-01-09T21:41:00.000-05:00

Today was one of those days that leaves you grateful for everything God has done in your life.

I was the lucky recipient of two different virus strains that had me throwing up and nursing a horrendous head cold. How does that even happen? After gracing the bathroom for a major part of the night, I finally fell asleep around seven this morning. An hour later I heard Ty's sweet singing, clean-up, clean-up...[Not sure if it's nature or nurture, but that boy is shaping to be like me in more ways than one!]

Ben swiftly got up, closed our bedroom door quietly, and the next time I rolled over it was past noon.

My boys waited on me, hand and foot, while I curled on the couch for the rest of the afternoon. Ty is such a tender heart and kept coming over to rub my head or pat my back. At one point Ben was reading Snuggle Puppy to him on the adjacent couch and at the mention of kisses, he promptly slid from his daddy's lap and headed my way. He started in for a kiss, but quickly switched it up and honked my nose instead. We all had a good laugh and Ty went back for more snuggle time with Ben.

I watched Ben and Ty play for hours. Tag, hide-and-seek, catch, basketball, and floor wrestling (can you tell I'm outnumbered by boys?). Ty would go through intervals of concern and say, "Muma. Food?" He is a master chef in the making and really digs all the Melissa & Doug play food he got for Christmas. I would ask for oatmeal and orange juice or a banana and some toast. Sometimes my order was perfect. Other times it included slight variations that only a toddler mind would put together.

When bed time rolled around, Ben let me do the honors since he spent a majority of the day with our boy (bed time rocking and reading is a coveted position). We were on our third installment of itsy-bitsy spider when Ben crashed our party. He said he couldn't stand being apart from the fun. The three of squished in the rocking chair and rocked together. Ty laid his head on my chest. I laid mine on Ben's. Ben told Ty what a good boy he is and how much joy he brings our family.

I told Ben what a good dad he is and that I never want to live life without him.

We had a couple rounds of nose honking (a fond family game...each nose has a unique sound) and paci stealing before we started talking to Ty about adding a brother and/or sister, this summer. Ty just listened to our words and snuggled closer. He laid his hand on my chest and said, "Muma." Then did the same for Ben, "Dadd-ee." And ended on himself, proudly proclaiming, "Ty-Ty."

Ben said, "You're right sonny. What a smart boy you are!"

We enjoyed a few minutes of quiet before, finally, putting Ty to bed.

Ben ran to the grocery store, since we didn't get to it, today, and I was left soaking in the fun memories of the day. Of course, it's no fun to be sick, but sometimes I think God uses our bodies to grab our attention and force us to slow down. It's hard for me to do it, otherwise.

I wouldn't trade, today, in for the world.

I am eternally grateful for all that God has done in our family. Somewhere between the hours of couch and sleep time, God reminded me of Day 165. [No, I didn't remember the number off the top of my head...only the content.]

Jeremiah 29:11-14 and Deuteronomy 30:3-4 are two of my favorite promises, and I view them hand-in-hand. Jeremiah is a little more familiar, but the words never fail me. I know the plans I have for you...They are plans for good and not disaster...If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. Those scriptures also go on to talk about God returning fortune and bringing his people home. Deuteronomy mirrors the same promise: The Lord your God will restore your fortunes and have compassion on you and gather you again from all the nations where he scattered you. Even if you have been banished to the most distant land under the heavens, from there the Lord your God will gather you and bring you back.

Those words are so rich and meaningful to me. I remember that place of banishment. I felt scattered and torn and hollow as I walked through the desert of barrenness. I remember writing about this promise on Day 165, hundreds of days before Tyrus lit up our world. The Lord brought it to my memory, today, as I sipped tea and drank in my family.

He gave my heart a small nudge and said, See, daughter. See how I worked good from disaster? See how I gathered you back from distant lands and brought you home? Do you see how my plans, although not yours, are better?

Yes, I see. Oh, how I see! And I know there is so much, yet, to come. This is a shout-it-from-the-rooftops kind of day.

God is good!

I heart January

2011-01-06T23:43:00.001-05:00

Being a mom never gets old.

We had the BEST Christmas. It was everything Christmas should be about. I'm not sure restful can describe any days that contain a lively toddler, but I so enjoyed our special time together! You can read more about Ty's excitement and gifts over at Thrifty Heart. I want to talk, here, about peace that passes understanding.

There is something about the charged-start of a new year that fills me with fresh perspective and hope. I can only pray that the peace that cloaks my heart, now, lasts for months on end. I was pulled in many directions, last year, and at times the pressure was collapsing. After some time of renewal, I realize that so much of the trapping war-tug was tension that I built.

I'm a, wholly, passionate person almost to the point of consumption. I don't know how to do things at half speed and when God plants a promise, I'm not patient. I have such a difficult time not puppeteering my life and it makes me nutsy, sometimes, because I know the control I hunger for is anti-God. I sing Robinson's 1758 words with conviction, Bind my wandering heart to Thee.

God did such a cleansing in me, this January. It's one of my favorite times of year and I appreciate it so much more as I get older. Each new year brings deeper understanding; a brighter wisdom. I'm learning to leave the wrestling matches in the supernatural and that I don't have to live out every dream and passion, right this minute. God has spoken peace into my spirit and even though we're in the midst of some swirling circumstances, my feet are planted. For the first time in a long time, I'm resting in God's love. I'm not singing or talking or praying. I'm not trying to make this happen or that work. I'm just being.

I'm recognizing what my sinful nature is capable of and running all the more toward the Conqueror. Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, prone to leave the God I love. Here's my heart, O take and seal it, seal it for Thy courts above.

It's going to be a good year.

Anxious

2010-12-22T00:07:00.000-05:00

Father...
My heart feels anxious, today. No real reason. Just another case of the I-want-it-my-way-right-this-minute blues. You know the kind. Most of humanity lives there. I don't know what you're doing...I don't know the plans you have for me or my family. But, I'm making a choice to trust you. Right now; right this minute. I am choosing Jesus.

That's it. Just wanted you to know.

Signed,
Your daughter (the one whose heart is always getting ahead of her)

Ty & Baby Jesus

2010-12-13T15:30:00.000-05:00

I am a reflector. Not the bicycle sort, of course, but rather the thoughtful, retrospective kind. Watching our baby boy morph into a running, laughing, tackling buddy is more than enough inspiration.

Seeing him develop, right before my eyes, is the greatest privilege I've ever been given. When I see him cover his mouth to cough or put his clothes in the hamper, I know he's refinery in the making. Our latest tradition involves the story of Christmas, which proudly boasts Jesus at its center. Ty has this puffy-people advent calendar (made by Fisher Price) and each night we pull a manger member from its pocket and place it appropriately in the stable. Baby Jesus is in pocket 25 and every night we share in his coming birth day.

I emphasize how special Baby Jesus is and that he deserves our love, lavishly. These quiet teachings have resulted in exuberant Ty-bursts throughout the day..."Bb-ee Jeesa! Bb-ee Jeesa!" he'll say and smatter the puffy pillow with kisses, before swiftly tucking him back in pocket 25. The warmness he causes to spill from my heart is too good for words.

I know it's simple, not-fully comprehending, love. But it's still love. And its existence gives me much hope for my little man's future. Not only do I aspire for him to chase after his heavenly father with all of the breath he contains, I want him to love people with the same intensity.

Ty's words are starting to flow more frequently and name variations of loved ones have ensued. He's so proud of himself when he says "Jo Jo Jo Jo" for Uncle Joe or "Do" for Uncle Drew. Phone talking has become more than a novelty and we make more frequent bedtime calls than ever before. All of these progressions make me excited for Rebekah.

She, of course, is a normal conversation piece in our home, but I know Ty has little understanding of what we're saying. I'm looking forward to the coming year's changes and the chance Ty will have to re-bond with his mom.

I know that I can't make things happen...that I can't force him to love and adore Rebekah, but my hope is that he'll live in the overflow of Ben and me. That he will love her because we love her. That he'll pray for and pursue her because we do.

I'm also hoping that this will be the year of the sibling (smile). We've had a few expectant moms inquire about our willingness to adopt, this year, but so far they have all made choices to parent (which we respect, understand, and encourage). Unless God has other plans, we'll begin the foster adoption licensing process next summer. We really want to honor birth order, so we may need to wait a long time...but I'm still holding out hope that Ty will have a playmate before next year's end.

If only he knew just how much we depend on "Baby" Jesus....

I will say, it's so much easier to trust God's hand-picking for our family this time around. Such a wonderfully, peaceful place to be.

A New Ty Video

2010-12-07T20:54:00.000-05:00

It's been awhile since I've posted a video. I thought you might like to check in on the little man and see how fast he's growing! Ty's new favorite word is go and he uses it, appropriately, in every possible situation. If for some reason, we're not able to give him a convincing answer, his tender heart goes from concerned to distraught in seconds!

I am in love with his inquisitive spirit and his attention to detail (as you're about to see) never ceases to amaze me. I'm a busy little bee making many o' Christmas gifts, so I'll have to update you on life and love, later.

Enjoy the clip!

Ben and Barren

2010-12-01T21:41:00.000-05:00

I'm not ready to hold a flapping, white flag, while wearing an I heart barrenness tee, but God has really worked the spirit of thankfulness into my life. Every year that I can remember, my mom makes us go around the turkey table and share the thanks in our hearts. This year, Ben and barrenness topped the list.

Naturally, Ty is an obvious joy-product of such a struggle, but my thanksgiving runs deeper. If it weren't for my barren belly, I would not be the kind of mom, wife, or God-child that I've been called to be. I see the fullness of that, now, and man! am I thankful. I'm even thankful for being thankful! The number of years wasted in deep-trenched, ungrateful pain were too many. But like most things in life, the aftermath clarity is perceptible.

My Ben is always on my long list of thanks, but this year he gets an extra measure. The man is a complete God-send. Long papers and late-night exams have consumed my life for months and Ben has never complained about the slack. He's cleaning, cooking, and grocery-ing, every week, and his double-duty efforts don't go unnoticed. When I think of all the peaks and valleys our young eight year marriage has endured, song can't help, but erupt from my heart. God is so good.

Every other week, I threaten to quit my MBA program and every other week Ben encourages me to stay strong. He, continually, strokes the embers of our family vision, while keeping the pantry well stocked with Oreos.

I often wonder how any other man would put up with my intense passion and quirky habits. He's not at-all intimidated by my drive and doesn't flinch at the thought of adopting ten kids. How did I get so lucky?

In a season of giving thanks and in the shadow of a horrifying event (please read and encourage sweet Vee), my heart spills over thankfulness for the barren belly that brought me Ty and for the love of the Father that brought me Ben.

Family of Three

2010-11-01T22:07:00.001-04:00

Life is good. I mean really good. My heart has taken residence in the deepest level of content and the security in that is refreshing. I absolutely want a bigger family and am excited about the future adoption possibilities that exist, but I am also enjoying every minute I have with my family of three.

Ty, of course, has always felt like a part of our family, but as he begins to really communicate and tease and engage, our family dynamic has really changed. Tonight we spent a solid hour wrestling on the floor, just the three of us. His peals of laughter are proof enough that God exists. There's just nothing like it.

Being a mom has taught me so much about who God is and how he loves. Ty has a wicked anger streak that takes him from 0 - 10 in a second in a half, yet he's also one of the most tenderhearted little boys I've ever seen. Parenting him has been such a privilege and I love the person God is shaping me to be. So many characteristics are sharpening into facets that never existed pre-motherhood.

People often tell me how strong my faith is....but, I have to answer with - "Yeah, now." There were a lot of dark, bitter, and raging days pre-Ty. I questioned anything and everything that God ever told me, showed me, or put in my heart. In the days leading up to Rebekah's first contact, I had run over faith like a dirty sweatshirt and was barely functioning as a shell. [If you're in that spot, today...please know that it's temporary].

God is faithful.

I really can't view him any other way, this side of adoption. Some days I get anxious about the fogginess of our future (releasing control is a major weakness), but then my ever-present sign of goodness shares his cookie with me and I see clearly, again.

I know that we're not "in the clear" for hardships. I know that heart bleeders will hit again, but right now, in these days of peace, I'm soaking in all that God has done for us. I'm filling up. We won't always be a family of three; Ty won't always have our undivided attention and I'm very conscious of the fact. If I knew 5 years ago what I know, today, I wouldn't have spent a minute more crying over emptiness. I would have squeezed fullness from life and hung my hat on a solid peg of hope. That's the attitude I'm trying to live out, today.

Not only does God have my heart and plans in control, he gives me clearance to enjoy and live the right-now moments. We may have two or six or ten children. It might take us a month or eight or a hundred 'n five to get there. But, tonight, I was reassured with little back pats and bubble-gum brushed, sloppy kisses that God holds our days in his hands.

Unadoptable

2010-10-27T22:15:00.001-04:00

The smile on this kid lights up the world.

Call it morbid, but sometimes I think about what my life would be had we not adopted Tyrus. It makes me well every time. Obviously, we had many childless years, but the presence of Ty has returned them to us as his laughter and growling take up so much room. Imagining him with another family, even Rebekah and her family, is too much to bear. He is a part of us, now, and the undoing of what's been done is too inconceivable to think about.

Ben and I carry those thoughts into our conversations about foster adoption. We've been talking about it a lot.

There are so many children waiting for families and there is a great urgency in my heart to do something. And by something I don't simply mean adopt as many children in our lifetime as possible (although that's coming!) These kids need advocates. They need voices shouting their names from rooftops and families enveloping their hearts in love. I've been hearing and reading stories that would make your lunch turn. A daughter missing feet because her "mother" left her on a snowy porch, in only her underwear, for hours at a time. A son that was thrown out the window in a fit of rage. A Ukrainian orphan that was deemed unadoptable by her country.

I heard a message, this week, on the love of our Father that produced such violence in my spirit, I had a difficult time functioning through the rest of my day. I walked away shouting, Lord, there is no man, woman, or child on this earth that is unloved, unwanted, or unadoptable. No exception. Yet, the world and church alike, prove me otherwise, every single day...

There are so many things I could say, here, but I want to keep this specific to what the Lord's showing me toward adoption. I've been chewing on my prayer for the last two days and I realized, tonight, that unadoptable labels exist...because families like ours use them. Ouch.

Sure, we get a gold star for even considering foster adoption in the first place. A red one for looking at sibling groups and even a green one for embracing diversity, but what about adopting a child over the age of 12? Unadoptable. A baby addicted to methamphetamine? Unadoptable. A teenager that has severe emotional or health issues? Unadoptable.

The reality is that these kids are labeled unadoptable because there are few families willing to adopt them...including mine.

That was a pretty hard pill to swallow, tonight. Yes, more families should be concerned about the foster crisis in our country. Yes, more adoptive families should be willing to look outside of domestic adoption. But, I can't change the hearts of other families...I can only work on mine.

Tonight, I'm saying, Lord, change me. Help me look at all children as your children. Affix new labels on their heads.

I stand by my initial prayer. Through the eyes of Christ - unloved, unwanted, and unadoptable children do not exist. If only the rest of us could see the world that way...

Happy Birthday Rebekah!

2010-10-18T21:41:00.000-04:00

Since Ty can't sing Happy Birthday, yet, we had to show off the tricks he can do!

We love you so much, Rebekah, and hope you feel all kinds of wonderful, today!

Joy in Color

2010-10-11T11:57:00.000-04:00

Joy and gladness in full measure. Complete and overflowing.

~ John 15:11

Looking for Input

2010-10-06T14:04:00.001-04:00

I am gearing up to attend a strategic planning seminar, this weekend, for a local foster adoption agency/ministry that is in the final stages of becoming licensed. You will definitely be hearing more about this from me in the days to come, as I'm super excited to be a part of something so cool. The mission of this group is simple: Bring Christian families and waiting children together. They've committed to providing no-fee adoption services, education, and support programs that tear down walls to adoption. It's important to note, here, that I'm talking about foster care adoption - meaning, the children you would consider adopting are "waiting children;" parental rights have already been terminated.

Here's what I'd like to know from you (all off you) and I'd really like you to answer honestly, without holding back. I'm going to take all of your comments to the seminar, this weekend, so that we have a pulse on how families really feel about adopting through foster care.

Here's what I'd like to know:

Have you or would you consider foster care adoption?
If the answer is "no," what are your reasons/reservations?

Is there something specific that would change your answer (i.e. If I had a larger house with more bedrooms)?

If the answer is "yes," do you have concerns?

What kind of support would help ease those concerns?

I really appreciate and value your input. Feel free to send me a personal email, if you'd like your answers to remain private. I look forward to sharing more about this initiative!!

Answering Comments

2010-10-04T00:07:00.000-04:00

Looks like this is becoming our set time together. I like it. I look forward to it. It's Sunday night...my homework finished, the house clean, laundry done, one little boy sleeping, one big boy watching football...quiet time for me.

I wanted to address a few comments in my last post, some I allowed; one I did not.

I had two anonymous comments that were very much in the same vein. The first said... I think the constant contact might be good for Ty but not for the two of you. Maybe you should just update her once a year or so... and the second...If the adoption was closed then maybe you would not have all these feelings and feel like you are upsetting Rebekah. I think that open adoption must be too much for you.

I allowed both comments because although I find them self-protecting, I don't think they were written in meanness. It wasn't all that long ago that I was on the other side of adoption. Some of the words in my earlier posts make me cringe, knowing what I know now. For Ben and I, the door of adoption was one full of hope and eagerness. I, admittedly, spent more time thinking about the future of our family than about the woman who would be making that happen. It wasn't until we met Rebekah that reality hit, swiftly. Knowing that, allows me to lend grace, easily, to those not walking this path. Our culture has not been educated on adoption. In most realms it's still a hush-hush topic. I can say that, confidently, because most people get uncomfortable when I tell them Ty is adopted. I don't have rules about where and when I share that information, but it does come out naturally (and often) because it's so much apart of our family.

Back to the above comments. If the relationship we had with Rebekah was rough and uncomfortable, even controlling, we would still pursue open adoption. Being a good mom is about doing what is best for your children - no matter how it makes you feel. Rebekah considered her feelings when contemplating adoption, but her preference for her children (all of them) trumped the breaking in her heart. Her example is one I strive for; I want to love Tyrus the way she does. To say contact might be good for Ty, but not for the two of you is contradictory of love. If it's good for Ty, it's good for us. Of course, keeping Rebekah at arms length would have been easier at times, but there is freedom in truth. When it's all laid out in the open - when no secrets or animosity exist - when love is the motivator, God can do anything. Just look at what he's done in our family. I'm allowed to think and feel and wonder. Everybody does. I just choose to expose my stirrings here, for all of you to read. I choose to do it because I know God is using me to help change the face of open adoption.

I would also like to say that I agree with Ms. Anonymous. Open adoption is too much for me. Any love you see portrayed or displayed in my life is from one source alone...and nothing is too difficult for him.

Anonymous commenter #3 did not get her words posted because they were mean and malicious and received nothing but a big eye roll from me. All I want to say is that abandoning mothers are ~~mothers~~ women that leave babies in dumpsters and let perverse boyfriends have free rein in there homes. Tyrus will never use those words in conjunction, when describing Rebekah. Enough said.

The last response is to a question that Love You Already posted. She talked about having a strong bond with her daughter's birth mother in the beginning, but then life took over and their family solidified. She wrote...It's only been within the last few days that I've started to face the same reality you write about. It's not an easy truth to accept...I try to have the same, open heart...but I am hurting. Do you hurt too?

Such an honest question and one I'm happy to answer. When it comes to Ty's adoption, my relationship with Rebekah, and my security as his mother, there are no hang-ups. No hurts. I never wonder about why I couldn't carry him or why it had to be this way. It took us a long time to process our infertility and allow God to fully heal our hearts, but once we were able to see clearly, we knew that God had us on this road for a reason. There aren't many families doing what we are doing...and he needs us, especially in the foster adoption arena.

That being said...I hurt. Most days my heart is in a state of rest, but there are triggers that threaten to take me back to dark places and they're unpredictable. Sometimes a friend getting pregnant with #2 or #3 is no big deal and sometimes it's a crushing blow. Sometimes I can be in a room of mothers swapping pregnancy stories and sometimes it makes me want to run. Sometimes I can pack Ty's items away in anticipation on what's to come and sometimes I weep over the loss I feel, not knowing if I'll see them again.

There are other things that always sting - women talking about "trying" (as if it's no big thing), teen pregnancy, rough home lives, ungrateful parents, etc. I hope that one day this part of my heart will turn off. I hope that our family is so large that infertility is a near-forgotten past, but for now, it remains a constant thorn. I'm reminded every month at what my body should be able to do and can't.

Most days I'm pretty good at taking thoughts captive, remembering God wrote my future, and enjoying life as it is. Don't ever beat yourself up for feeling sad or uncertain. It's life. Just keep pressing on and know that new days will always come.

Adoption: The Two-Faced Beast

2010-09-16T23:31:00.001-04:00

Oh, how I miss you. This place. Be assured, I'm still writing...it just has nothing to do with passion or heart or dark-eyed boys, but everything to do with process improvement, customer voice, and integrated enterprise. I know, right? Gag me. I have been working on a case study for hours, this week, and am indulging in a much needed break to spend some time, here. I definitely should be doing laundry or dishes or scraping God knows what off the sticky kitchen floor, but what's one more night?

I would much rather free my head from all it's garbled thoughts and heart stirrings. There are a few things that I've been meaning to write about for weeks, now. While I can't super-woman all of it tonight, there is a chain of conversations that took place in our household, this week, that I'd like to open up.

I looked at Ty the other day in his big-boy haircut and mischievous, I'm-about-to-do-something-you-won't-like smile, and immediately saw Rebekah's youngest son, Sky. I mean clear as day; they look so similar. I instantly felt this pierce in my heart for Rebekah and wondered how she was doing. Not in a how's-your-day-going kind of way (we keep up with that pretty good), but rather, is-your-heart-bleeding-for-your-son-today.

It's easy to get caught up in life and family and activities, but when the noise fades, I often think of Rebekah. I can't ever imagine doing what she did. I can't. I can't even fathom the mix of emotions that must fill her heart. Ty has the perfect adoption. In the world of adoption, if it must exist, we've all received God's best in each other, but... it's still adoption.

After seeing Sky in Ty, my next stream of consciousness jumped to Ty's high school graduation. Will Rebekah hold my hand, cheering the loudest, as our boy walks across the stage...or will she smile, quietly, as her heart weeps over the moments she's missed?

Within a couple days of feeling such conflicting thoughts I received this note in an email from Rebekah:

I actually felt that "pit" in my stomach again when I saw those pictures today. He just looks so much like Victoria did when she was little. It's those flashback moments that make my head spin. Most of the time I'm stuck in a world wind of my life that I don't have time to sit and think that I'm a birth mom.

This is adoption.

On the silver lining side, I'm so grateful for the honesty in our relationship. I love that we can talk and write to each other without pretenses and void of insecurities on what the other mother might be thinking.

But then there's the other side.

The side that reads those words and never wants to adopt again. The side that has seen more reality than I bargained for. This will never go away. Hear me when I say this, I am raising another woman's child. Not thinking of her will never be an option. She will always be family; always be present; her emotions always preferred.

I know she's not wallowing in hurt or chasing every minute with pain. God has given her much grace; much strength. But the loss will always be grafted in her heart. Time doesn't heal that wound.

I know foster care adoption tends to bring a justice that isn't needed in domestic adoption, but I still wonder if I'm ready to open the door again. I don't want women to experience adoption pain and loss and devastation.

Such a two-faced beast.

Of course, women will continue to choose adoption - some out of desperation, necessity, coercion, guilt, etc. Whatever the reason, I know on our end, God has asked us to be open. He has asked us to walk this path, somewhat blindly. I have no idea what our near or far future looks like or how our family will take shape.

Sometimes I wonder if I spend too much time thinking. Too much time chewing on adoption. But, all I can say is this. The more I see Rebekah, the more I see my God. I see his love through our story. Not just his love for me and Ty and our new extended family. I see his love for his people. The great throb in Rebekah's heart toward her son, pales in comparison to the thumping in God's for us.

Doesn't that make you awestruck?

My prayer for our future family is that God would bring us children (with families) that need him. A little love on legs, if you will. He has equipped us to do this work and there is much to be done.

Baby to Boy

2010-09-12T22:30:00.000-04:00

Thank you for all your kind emails as so many of you have been checking in on me. We're still here! My MBA program started up again, this fall. Between homework and a promotion at work, I'm barely treading water and fighting the urge to quit school - I'm too close to the finish line.

Blogging has taken a back to seat to my thesis and class work, but I'll come back.

Ty is exceptional. Just when I think my favorite month of him just passed, a new one comes along. I love the independent spirit that is emerging. He knows just want he wants and doesn't let boundaries hold him back (my kind of man). His ability to comprehend what we're saying without the ability to talk back, astounds me. I love the proudness in his eyes at locking his blocks together or hitting the golf ball with his club (Daddy's doing!) I love the sing-songy way he says "no-no-no-no-no" or "uh-oh" when something falls on the floor. I love that even though he knows many animal sounds, he insists they all say "moo" when he actually sees one in real life. I love that he can eat as many sliders as I can and that he has Arsenio Hall's "hoo, hoo, hoo" perfected - arm and all.

I'll leave you with a few impromptu pictures after Ty's first barber shop haircut, this weekend. It instantly took him from baby to boy...

Love this kid.

"It's love on legs."

2010-08-30T23:29:00.000-04:00

What distance would you go to love? I mean it. What imaginary lines have you traced in your mind that mark the "too far" scenario?

A reoccurring theme between God and me, this year, has been love. There's a wonderful strangeness that comes in walking with God. We walk and walk and walk, but then (sometimes suddenly) I think to look back. It's about that time I realize I haven't been paying attention. I didn't notice crossing over my zone of comfort. I didn't realize we stepped over the world-will-think-this-is-crazy border and I find myself smack dab in the middle of a situation, that really doesn't seem like a "situation," because God and I set up camp a long time ago and are far past the roasting smors stage.

I've mentioned it before that I work at a small Christian college. Tomorrow happens to be our first day of classes and our campus minister, Adam, has picked an incredibly telling, for my life, theme, this year - Let Justice Roll Down. If you're anything like me, you think that sounds wonderfully poetic, but have no idea what it actually means. I only heard a five minute blurb on Adam's vision for the year, but it was enough to start a spark in my heart...

I actually had to look up the word justice because the context it was used in didn't fit my pea-brain understanding of its depth. The definition that Adam attached to justice came from Cornell West: "Justice is what love looks like in public. It's love on legs." And the scripture that bookends our theme is Amos 5:24, "But let justice roll down like waters and righteousness like an ever-flowing stream."

For some reason my head only equated justice with God's wrath and Old Testament destruction. But in actuality, righteousness is embedded in its definition, love-living at its core.

On Sunday, our pastor told a story of a grandmother who loved to hold her spoon of sugar under the stream of incoming coffee and that she routinely filled her cup to overflowing. So much so, that she always had to sip the extra off her saucer. His point in telling the story was that this woman lived her life the same way she drank her coffee - overflowing.

Don't you want to live your life that way? I sure do.

For the privacy of the young woman who was all but a stranger to me weeks ago, I cannot give you the details of what God has been calling me to do or how he's been driving me to pray, but your mouth would drop if you knew the ins and outs of the ledge I've been walking.

Tonight, Ty let me rock him to sleep. He hugged me securely with his sweet cheek against my chest. I started out singing softly and his chubby little hand kept gently touching my lips. His eyes held my gaze the entire time. I didn't care about bed time. I didn't care about the dishes in the sink or the homework that needed to be done. I rocked and sang and prayed. I reminded Ty of all the people in his life that love him so much (including all of you!) and spoke words of greatness over his future. This swell came over my heart and tongues just poured over him (Yup. I'm one of those). I prayed in tongues for well over an hour. Ty had long since fallen asleep, and as my feet rocked back and forth I knew justice had rolled out.

From next door neighbors to late-night snugglers, God has called us to justice. He has equipped us to be the legs of love, to be his son in flesh. Smash the box, erase the lines of distinction, and ask God to breathe on you.

Only good can come from allowing God to pour his never-ending streams of love through you and into others.

Getting Older

2010-08-22T13:36:00.000-04:00

I turned 29 this week and I'm pretty happy about it.

A lot of people have asked me if it was difficult with the "dreaded" three-oh right around the corner, if I'll have a hard time letting go of my twenties, etc, etc. The truth is, I love getting older, and even more than that, I love the life I'm living right now.

The older I get the more sure I am of what's truly important in life and I soak it in. Sure, I may have packed away the short skirts and cutoff shorts, but what I traded them in for has so much more value...motherhood. For the first time in my life, I see very outward signs of evolution in my heart, mind, and spirit and it spurs me on to do more and be more. I love that.

I'm less concerned about what other people think of me and run hard into the purposes God has paved before me.

I definitely was that mom that wanted all her kids popped out by 30, but God has shown me such a bigger picture of what he's called our family to be. And truth be told, I hope we still have kids into our 50's and 60's. There are so many unwanted, "unadoptable," orphans out there that need families...and we're a family.

One of the facts that hit my heart, this weekend, is that I will have started and ended my twenties married to Ben. I love that. I love him. When I shared this with my pedicurist, yesterday, and how much I look forward to starting and ending my 30s, 40s, and 50s, with Ben, she said, "There are no guarantees in life." Although, I know this to be true, God gives us such specific recipes for great, godly marriages. I know God has given me everything I need to be the wife he designed me to be and the same holds true for Ben. We have overcome many obstacles in our 12 years together and I'm so thankful for God's hand in our relationship.

I don't know what this year of 29 holds for me, but I know it's good. I know it's good because God is good and has given me more joy than I deserve, this year.

Thank you for all your warm wishes. My heart is so full and your presence in my life is a big contributor!

Summer Love

2010-08-15T21:44:00.000-04:00

We have had such a great summer, enjoying all that Michigan has to offer. Last year, we pretty much didn't leave the house, so it's been a lot of fun watching Ty experience his first real warm weather activities.

This has been one of those weeks where Ty literally changed from night to night. He's growing so fast and his transformation from baby to boy is in full swing. Just this week, he told me "no", started walking, shaking his head yes/no, blowing kisses, and communicating with words other than Muma, Dada, and Moo.

We went to Applebees for dinner, tonight, and when we walked in the door the hostess asked,"Just the three of you?" It made my heart skip a beat. We're a three of you. Do you know how long it was just the two of us? Ben didn't really find the wonder in it and was more anxious to order an appetizer, but I've thought about it all night. Of course, we've been a family all year long, but usually when we go to dinner the hostess will say, "Two and a baby?" Tonight, there was no baby. We were a family of three.

There is something so special about having a family outside of just Ben and me. Ty has become a real ham and was making us laugh all through dinner. I never noticed anyone else in the restaurant. It was just us. Me - Ben - Ty.

As much as I look forward to expanding our family, my life is so full, right now, it overflows. Mothering Tyrus has given me a completing joy that refreshes my heart each day. I'm so thankful for God's little reminders of where he's brought us, especially when they come from unexpected places.

God is Good.

2010-08-12T11:26:00.000-04:00

I know it's been awhile. I've been dealing with some turmoil, but, thankfully, have come out the other side. When I'm in that place of grinding, I can't write...or sometimes talk. I want to process it all on my own, establish my true feelings on the issue, and seek the Lord for direction before I move forward. Otherwise everyone else's thoughts and opinions start shaping my own. Know what I mean?

A couple of weeks ago we were presented an opportunity to adopt again (the baby's birth day is mere weeks away). We said no. Because of money. A mixture of hate and hurt worked through my heart quickly and it took a few days for God to get a hold of me. I hate infertility. I hate that it never goes away and has the potential to rear its ugliness at any moment. I hate that babies in adoption can often be treated like an eBay auction and that adoptive families have to play the game to win. I hate that there are endless numbers of children in orphanages all across the world that continue to sit there because of money. I hate that there are even more children sitting in foster care that families won't consider adopting because they see them as damaged, troubled, and second-rate. I hate that wanting more children makes me feel selfish.

This is going to be a mish-mash nonsensical rambling because that's the sort of truck that showed up to bulldoze my emotion, this week. I'm ready to take the big girl panties off and go back to days of ignorant bliss. Sometimes I just feel like throwing my hands up in the air and saying, "Lord. I'm tired of doing the right thing. Could we try the wrong-way approach this time?"

When I read some of my earlier blogs, I realize how far I've come. The woman who started this process is not the woman who types this today. I've seen too much. I was so baby focused for so long, it was impossible to see beyond it. Now that I do, it's impossible to think about our future family without seeing the devastation that it caused/will cause.

I know you're wondering what the heck I'm talking about. Back to the baby we said no to. Shocked? Me, too. We're not exactly in the position to turn down family members. But, you know what? Charging $20,000-40,000 to add to our family is robbery. In this instance, there was no physical way for us to come up with that sort of money in a matter of days, but even if there had been, we still would have said no. We drew a line in the sand months ago. We are only so willing to pay X amount of money for future children. It's such an unfair moral dilemma that adoptive families are thrown into. I've said this before; we understand that if we say no to a domestic adoption there are more than 100 families lined up behind us to say, yes. Kids in the foster care system aren't so lucky. This is how I know we have a future in foster care adoption. That being said, my heart still feels the pull of newborn, domestic adoption. It breaks my heart to think that I might never get to use all of Ty's baby things, again.

I'm in this constant state of flex. What I know and what I feel are always one upping the other.

To pile on to my already conflicting thoughts, God keeps bringing expectant women my way who (even if for a moment) are considering adoption. This is the area I've seen the most growth in my life. No longer do I see baby flags when I see these women. I see women. I see women struggling with a horrendous decision; women who are walking paths that I've never had to walk. And I have to do the right thing. I have to tell them the truth. I have to put the right resources in their hands....and, typically, I never see/hear from them again. Which is okay, because I know I've done what God's asked of me.

The night leading up to our formal decline (for the baby offered through an agency), I was a mess. The next morning, however, God grabbed me by the bootstraps and firmly said, "Don't go there." He quickly turned the motion picture of my life into reel and I sat in awe. God is in control of the plans that seems so out-of-control and that is enough for me. He knows me. He knows my heart, my urges, my cries. And I trust him.

How can I look at Ty and not trust that God's plan for my life is fuller than anything I could do on my own? When I ask Ty what noise the snake makes and I get the most adorable nose-scrunching "Sssssss" in reply, I know God is good. When I look at the compassion that just bursts from Ben's heart and the father that God's shaping him to be, I know God is good. When I hear the laughter and love in Rebekah's voice when talking about our boy, I know God is good. When I see my inherit, selfish nature morphing into reflections of my God, I know God is good.

I hope that no matter where you find yourself in life today, you, too, know that God is good.

Thank You For Loving My Boy

2010-08-04T00:04:00.000-04:00

I came across a special binder for Ty, this weekend, that had completely dropped from my mind.

A few weeks after Rebekah contacted us for the first time, I started printing all of our email conversations. At the time, I had no idea our relationship would evolve the way it did and I wanted to preserve every word she wrote. I held Rebekah's emails sacred as they created chained links of history for the baby in her belly. She wrote with such confidence and passion, I knew the love that poured from the pages needed to be read by her child.

I will convey her love the best I know how, but it will never be the same as coming right from her heart. Which is one of a multitude of reasons that I thank God for the openness of our adoption.

Reading through our words set me in a whirl of emotion. I printed every email during the six months we had to get to know each other before Tyrus was born and included several right after his birth. The laughs and cries came often as I poured over the pages. My very first email to Rebekah (hours after receiving the call) started like this:

Hi Rebekah, it's Rebekah! First of all, I have only ever met one other person that spelled her name the same way as mine...That definitely makes us instant friends! :)

I'm not really sure what to say here...My heart is beating out of my chest and I haven't been able to stop thinking about you since our agency called a couple of hours ago...I'm afraid I might say too much...or too little...that I'll scare you with my exuberance or shock you with my calm. I don't know what "adoption etiquette" would say about how our first conversation should go...All I know how to do is to speak from the heart, so here I go...

I know this is why Rebekah and I are so close. We've never hidden truths that we're experiencing, no matter how difficult it is for the other Rebekah to hear. We're honest and open and real about how this experience has shaped us as women and even more as moms.

Our first several weeks of emails are so funny, they read like two girls staying up way past their bedtimes to catch up on random news. We talk about everything from junior high camp to favorite late night snacks. One minute we're talking about bad country music and the next we're exchanging words like these:

(Written by me) My favorite part of the entire song is that he wipes away our tears and returns the wasted years...I have a lot of wasted years...Years of hoping, praying, begging God to give me a baby. I've spent so much time down in the pit, there were days I thought I would never get up. I am so thankful that our God returns the wasted years. That he heals our broken hearts and brings peace to our madness. I'm sorry that you've gone through so much in your young life...that you are raising your kids alone...that life isn't the way you planned. But, I believe that God will breathe life on both of us...that both of our wasted years will be replaced and that we'll be filled with overflowing joy in the years to come. I may not be able to feel the baby moving, but I do feel God moving and I know he's not finished with us, yet.

And then there's the "It's a Boy!!!!" Email. I will never forget where Ben and I sat when we read the news, together. I'll never forget the tears that streamed down my face, the love that poured from my heart for this woman and her baby that I barely knew.

The post-birth emails were the hardest to read. Our gain at Rebekah's loss is devastating. The last email in the book was written by Rebekah:

I just love you both so much. I wanted to tell you that I am so glad you are Ty's parents. You are wonderful with him. I love the way you look at him and how you kiss him and how protective you both are over him. You really are naturals. Thank you for loving my boy, I love you for it.

Those words hit me in the gut every time. Even now, twelve plus months later, my eyes well.

I will never understand Rebekah's loss. I will never understand her inside-curling pain at handing her son to me or what it must be like to watch him grow, many states away. I do know, however, that God has brought redemption to both of our situations. He has shown himself faithful. Although adoption isn't God's first choice, there is still perfection in his plans.

I'm reminded of that, this week, after reading through this amazing binder meant for Ty. I hope Tyrus is knocked off his feet, one day, by the love of his heavenly Father. That God cared so much for him he gave him two mothers, with the same name, that care more about him and each other than themselves.

I know this is our life and our story. Something we live every day. But, sometimes I stand back, look at all the pieces, and can barely breathe. Just when it seems too good to be true, chubby little hands grab my face and wet my lips with slobbery, unprompted kisses.

It's true and real and good.

Our Week in Videos

2010-08-02T21:21:00.000-04:00

Play Time With Daddy

Play Time with Mommy

Mmmmm Ranch

Enjoying every moment.

Free'n the Fro

2010-07-28T21:39:00.001-04:00

Ty's hair has always been a source of compliment, product, and crazy. I love it. I've been trimming it up for months, but being a girl of massive hair, myself, it was time to bring out the big sheers. He needed to be thinned in a bad way.

Maybe in the future I won't be quite so protective, but I just couldn't handle the thought of a barber butchering those locks. I know I'm crazy. I opted to take him to my stylist instead.

Here's our before picture:

Man I love this kid.

He sat on my lap and hardly made a peep. I'm not sure I've ever seen him quite so adorable!

I'm loving the cleaner, thinner look. He looks like such a little man!

Bonded by Blogger

2010-07-21T21:30:00.000-04:00

I had an amazingly fun Saturday, this past week. Bloggy friend Melba and I met up (in real life) and drove a couple hours west to meet bloggy friend, Bri. Melba and I have gotten together a few times, now, but it was the first time we were able to give real life hugs to our bud Bri. It was such a special day for me because these ladies were among my very first blog friends and have typed along side me from the beginning.

Bri, Riley, Me, Tyrus, Melba, and Charlie

Those of you who've walked this path know just how special it is to form relationships with people who know. It was so surreal to see our three beautiful babies splashing and giggling together. We waited so long for this...

It hit me when we gathered around the cafe table that I've never had a conversation where all the moms in the circle were adoptive. There was something so connected about our word flow. The nods and uh-huhs were constant, the understanding underlining. I don't mean to say our club is exclusive, but it sure felt good not to be the odd girl out. It felt good to feel normal. I hope our friendships will continue because I, now, know how much I need them.

Enjoy some pictures from our day:

More on Siblings & Adoption

2010-07-19T00:04:00.002-04:00

Great discussion and perspectives. I'd like to continue talking about this topic because so many good points surfaced. I think I'll draw out a few of them and see how this post shapes up.

I'll start by saying, this is a conversation Rebekah and I have had. There are few things blogged about, here, that she isn't already aware of. Rebekah makes hard conversations easy because she's so open and honest with me. It's also worth clarifying that just because we have decided not to call Rebekah's kids "siblings" right now, does not mean we've written them out of Ty's life. We have several pictures in the house and I give Ty regular updates on what everyone is doing. It is not our intention to hide them or pretend they don't exist. We, simply, are referring to them as "Rebekah's kids" until he's able to put it all together on his own. Once he does it will be up to him whether or not he wants to call them brothers or sisters.

Kelly wrote: There are four people who have a different perspective seeing as they DID live with Ty for 9 months and are not allowed to consider him their brother. Rebekah's older children. I've seen from both blogs that they are truly hurting about how they should regard Ty and being told they are not to consider him their brother. It must be very difficult for them to understand how all of this works.

Very true that Rebekah's kids had all of this done to them and that they struggle with understanding Rebekah's decision. Like so many things in life, I think they will understand the situation better when they're older, especially when they become parents themselves. I have so much more insight into why my parents were what they were, now that I'm a parent. Our decision to not call them siblings has not influenced their emotions, because as far as I know, this isn't something Rebekah ever discussed with them. I don't really see it necessary. It doesn't bother me that they call Ty their brother. I've had many conversations with Rebekah's oldest daughter over text messaging and she always refers to Ty as her brother - it doesn't bother me at all. I don't see a problem with Ty calling them "Rebekah's kids" and Rebekah's kids calling Ty "brother."

For right now, they have very little interaction with Ty and only time will tell if that changes in the future. By the time Ty is able to hold a conversation with them over the phone, he will comprehend his story so much better and will probably understand the link from Rebekah's kids to brothers and sisters.

Anonymous wrote: I guess my question is, what if the birth siblings are not good for your child? I don't think there is a perfect answer. Adoption is just as unique as the people who create it. Following your heart, and God's will is the only way to do what's best for your family.

I couldn't agree more that we have to depend on God to direct us in all aspects of our parenting. We've never done this before, we don't have friends around us that are raising adopted children, and every child's story is so unique to them, that there are no cookie-cutter answers. The more I research foster adoption, the more I know this to be true. As far as birth siblings not being a good influence, if we were in that situation, we would still share all the information we had with our child (age-appropriate, of course). Nothing good comes from withholding truth and keeping secrets. Ty will know his full story, even the few parts that we have kept private from everyone else.

Amy wrote: I have an open adoption with the family I placed my little girl with. I wasn't married nor did I have any other children at the time. I am now married and have a baby. Are there any suggestions on how to explain who Paige is when he gets older?...And at what age? Obviously she is a part of our lives and always will be but I just don't know how to explain our situation to a little child. He is only 6 months old but I kind of want to have a game plan.

Does anyone have advice for Amy and her situation? Amy, what does Paige call your son? It sounds like you have a good relationship with the adoptive parents, I think it would be a good subject to talk out together. I think it's great that you're thinking about this now. I imagine it would be difficult for your son to learn of a sister years down the road.

Many of you wrote about how non-confused your kids are with the big brother/sister thing. I think that's great and appreciate how differences work for each family. If we lived closer to Rebekah and saw her family on a more consistent basis our decision on this might be different. But, because we live over 20 hours away (not exactly a day trip!) and we don't know that we'll even see each other on a yearly basis, use of the siblings term becomes much more obscure. Ty has only met 3 out of Rebekah's 4 kids one time. Another angle of their relationship that will come into play is age gap. There is a tremendous jump in ages from Rebekah's oldest to youngest (Ty). If I had to guess, I would say that Ty will have the best relationship with Rebekah's second youngest son who is only a few years older than him.

Anonymous said: I do not mean any disrespect by this but how do you plan to explain to Ty that all the other brothers and sisters stayed with Rebekah but he was blessed by being adopted.

This is the one question that I know we will get asked one day. For the answer, we will be using Rebekah's words to us, as to why she made this decision. Rebekah knew that she could be a good mom - that was never in question - she's a good mom, now. But what she couldn't do...was give Ty a dad. After years of watching her children struggle without having a father around, she knew she wanted one for Ty. She also told us that all of her time, resources, and money were already being stretched so thin on the four children she had. It wasn't fair to them, for her to bring another baby into the mix. I remember being floored by her love. Her only concern when choosing an adoption plan was all five of her children.

Andraya wrote: In my opinion kids understand far more than we often give them credit for and omitting their relationships to others is a breeding ground for trust issues. Growing up knowing your own truth normalizes any situation but finding out later in life causes questions about so many things as well as wondering why you weren't told sooner...Hiding anything in adoption, including siblings, makes the subject taboo and can make a child feel as though they shouldn't ask or know.

I agree that full disclosure is the best policy in adoption. We are not hiding Ty's siblings from him. He knows all about them and has many pictures of and with them. We're merely not choosing to use the term "siblings" for the next few years until he can grasp the concept. Likewise, there are parts of his story that will be difficult to hear and share. Adoption will always be an open overflow of conversation in our house, but there are aspects that will come out through the years, as he's able to understand the specifics.

As far as using the word "birth sibling," I find it applicable. We always refer to Rebekah's family as Ty's birth family, so whether we're talking about his mom, her kids or her puppies, I think it's okay to put birth in front of it. There are many things to think through while raising Ty and of all the things I could worry about it, this isn't going to be one of them.

Britney said: ...I also wonder if it would be different if you were not planning to adopt again... if Rebekah's other kids were to remain Ty's only siblings? And, with your plans to adopt from foster care, if you adopt an older child who spent time with his bio-siblings as siblings, but you use a different phrase for Ty's bio-siblings, how would that work?

Britney brought up a lot of great points. And to them, I can only say, we're taking all of this one step at a time. I don't know what we'd do in someone else's shoes or even our own shoes, 5 years from now. We are not trying to control our children's lives and dictate their stories with creative, confusing twists, we're simply doing what we feel is best and right.

For right now, for this moment, I'm Ty's "Muma" and Ben is "DaDaDaDa." As he grows and learns and discovers the pieces will start coming together. With so many loving members on every side of his family, birth and adoptive, Ty will lack nothing; I'm confident in that.

Birth Siblings

2010-07-15T09:38:00.001-04:00

Rebekah's Kids

I've talked about our decision not to refer to Rebekah's kids as Ty's siblings, before, but wanted to bring it up, again, after reading this month's issue of Adoptive Families magazine. That decision wasn't based on any supernatural insight or anything; it just felt right. Ben and I definitely want to adopt again and we don't want Ty to be confused on our family unit. I had visions of him going to school, being asked how many brothers and sisters he has, and answering, "Well....I have two brothers and a sister that live with me (wishful thinking), my birth mom has four living with her, my birth dad has one living with him, but others that he's adopted/lived with from past girlfriends and calls them his own..." You get the picture. All a bit overwhelming for a six year old.

The decision seems natural to me, as a daughter of divorced parents, who are now with other people that have children. When someone asks me how many siblings I have I answer "3" because that's how many I grew up with - the others didn't come until I was married and well into adulthood.

What Ty chooses to call Rebekah's kids when he fully understands their place in his life, is up to him. The same goes for Rebekah. If at 10 [pulled out of thin air], Ty decides to start calling Rebekah mom and her kids brothers and sisters, I won't have a problem with that. It's his life, his story. I'm secure enough in my position that it won't bother me or make me envious. Until we get to that point, however, Ben and I have to make his decisions for him, based on how the Holy Spirit guides and directs us.

All of that to say, it was very confirming, this week, to read that our choice comes recommended by adoption experts. The AF article stated how important birth siblings are to adopted kids and that most adopted children want to have some type of relationship in the future, even more than their desire to know their birth moms.

This makes a lot of sense to me. I can see how adopted children would crave that relationship and want to foster friendships with people just like them, genetically. Then take it a step further and think about the emotions/challenges that are linked to a birth mom that may not exist with birth siblings - feelings of abandonment, confusion, difficulty understanding why. [Insert note: I'm speaking in general terms here. My prayer is that our openness with Rebekah will dull the intensity of these emotions in Tyrus, although I do realize they will exist.] The relationship with birth siblings is probably easier because there is minimal confusion clouding the view. Rebekah's kids didn't make an adoption plan for Ty...Rebekah did.

This topic really fascinates me, so I started to do some research. I found this article by AF magazine that further explains why waiting to call birth siblings siblings is important. Cognitively children don't come to understand genetics until about age nine. The author (Lois Melina) writes, "To a child, brothers and sisters are the people who share the experience of growing up together. It can be difficult for a young child to think of a much older brother or sister as a sibling if they did not grow up together—even if they were raised by the same parents, in the same household. While adoptive parents and birthparents may long for their children to have a close relationship, or at least an understanding of each other’s significance, this isn’t going to happen by labeling them as “siblings” before they are old enough to understand what that means."

The article also goes on to talk about the guilt that adopted children may feel when they see what they have/the opportunities they've been given in relation to their birth siblings. Ben and I wonder this often and are curious to see how Ty's relationship with his birth family will evolve.

I really enjoy educating myself on some of these issues, even though they're pretty far down the road for us. Whenever I meet an adopted person, I try to ask as many questions as they'll allow. Their experience is gold to me. Ultimately, we rely on the guidance of the Holy Spirit to be the best parents we can, but God also puts people in our lives to be vessels of that wisdom. I eat it up!

I would love to hear all sides of this issue if you want to leave a comment, below. I'm interested in hearing how other adoptive families are addressing birth siblings, the adoptees take on the whole subject, and, of course, the first mom perspective (Are we being insensitive? Is it hurtful that your children are not referred to as siblings?) I hope this can foster some good discussion.

Feel free to email me too, if that's easier.

Rebekah Love

2010-07-13T09:26:00.000-04:00

One of the things I love most about my relationship with Rebekah is our secure friendship.

I love that I can call her on my way home from work and tell her about my insecurities as a mom and admit that I have no idea how to control Ty's hitting tenancies, all without worrying about how she might perceive me as mother of her child. That's a big deal.

Never when I talk to her do I wonder, does she think it's okay that we do this with Ty? or if I tell her this, she might think we're totally lame parents. I love that I can just be me. I can share my heart as it is and never worry about her reaction.

She is one of those friends that just gets it. I don't have to worry about what people say or what's written here (by me or others) because I know that she knows the truth. She knows what we have and rests assured in it.

I love when God brings people into my life like that. No pretenses, no walls, just genuine, this-is-how-it-is-even-if-I'm-struggling-today friends. I, honestly, can't imagine not having her in my life. With or without Ty.

I thought about her a lot last night after our phone conversation. She gets me. She is happy with our talks, be it 5 minutes or 5 hours. I love that she knows what it's like to balance a family and work full time and respects my time home with Ben and Ty. I love that she's a natural part of our family and a normal topic of conversation. I, routinely, update Ty on all the news. I always give him deliberate hugs and kisses from Rebekah and tell him just how much she loves him.

Yesterday, before bed, I was filling him in on their new puppy and Rebekah's, upcoming, second interview. He just sat and listened, knowingly. When I told him how lucky he is to have two mothers that love him so very much, he leaned up and kissed me right on the mouth. It's like he knows.

I know a lot of people hate me and wish this blog would cease to exist. I get it. I don't share all the details, people jump to conclusions/read between the lines, and see me as some baby snatching monger. It's okay. It doesn't bother me. In a messed up, sin-draped world it's refreshing to have an intimate circle of people that pursue the heartbeat of God and love me through the mountains and valleys of life. Rebekah is one of those people; my life wouldn't be the same without her.

Wedding Fun

2010-07-11T11:26:00.000-04:00

Little man might just make a wedding party world record before he's 5. He ~~stood up~~ sat in his second wedding yesterday, as Ben's baby sister tied the knot (Still have all three of my siblings to go!). He looked adorable in his tux, but man was he grumpy! Wedding time was smack in the middle of nap/dinner time and Ty doesn't like missing out on either! Most of my pictures look something like this:

But I did manage some cute ones, too.

Love that grumper face!

He knows how cool he is.

I love my little lover.

I love my big lover, too! :)

Ty gets some action before the "I Dos".

Where oh where could my baby be?

2010-07-05T23:01:00.001-04:00

[Sorry about the music - it's from the sideshow on the last post. I'll have to blog a lot to get if off this page! :)]

I look at pictures from our weekend and wonder what happened to my baby boy? Last year on the 4th we were driving home with our new son for the first time, weeks after his birth. Now he's a growing, active, independent spirit that throws out kisses and tantrums in equal doses. Our first year with him has been a revolving door of exciting change and growth, but, now, I find myself sad. Sad that I just packed up the last remnants of baby...Ty's bottles.

I'm not overly sensitive or sentimental, but there was something about sealing that last bin, knowing that it will probably never be opened again...for our use, anyway.

I was recently at a party where girls talked baby, pregnancy, and the like. Most were newly weds or soon to be weds and infertility clearly hadn't tainted their worlds. One by one they went around the room talking about their future family plans as knots curled in my stomach. Ug.

It didn't ruin my night. I didn't go home and sulk. It just made a corner of my heart sad.

I wish that our family "planning" didn't involve loss and destruction to other mothers. I wish the process didn't have the ability to suck all the life and energy from us. I wish it could all be easier.

Ahhh. But what can you do? Nothing. At least this process has ingrained one very important trait in me - patience. I know God's not done with us.

Tonight, I'm pushing away the sad thoughts, moving past the abandoned bottles, and remembering the sheer joy this boy has brought to our lives...

(By the way I posted a tutorial for this tee over at Thrifty Heart).

Birthday Kisses

2010-06-28T14:02:00.000-04:00

Sweet Tyrus,
Mommy is tired. The guests are gone, the cake demolished, your presents put away. Such a special party for my special boy. I can believe you're a year old. I've spent the months soaking in all your moments. Your light up the room smiles and adorably cute nose scrunches did not pass me by. Mommy paid special attention to every ducky detail to make our day memorable. I know it's supposed to be your day, but our hearts are so connected I think I enjoyed it as much as you.

You are so loved, so thought of. We had guests from Texas, Pennsylvania, Indiana, and Tennessee all in to pay tribute to your miraculous life. Such fan-fare my babyheart!

When I look back on our year, together, I am astounded. One of my favorite Chris Tomlin lines sings, "He will wipe away your tears and return your wasted years...This is our God." You have given our family new life, Tyrus. I remember the wastelands we walked, but there is no longer a pull in my spirit nor ache in my heart. You have been a healing balm.

I must confess, you've taken over our lives. Our days and schedules are organized by you, our love consumed with thoughts of you. You make my face beam, my heart shine. I feel like a love-sick puppy.

Your person makes me laugh. You are equal parts fire and love. I'm not sure how the two go together. Your temper is hot, your screams of disgust often, yet your heart's softness contagious. I love your sweet "Muma" sounds and spontaneous, unsolicited kisses. I love how you take time out of your play to kiss my knee or elbow or cheek. The tender in your heart is most vivid when I'm sitting on the couch and you pull my knees apart just so you can get closer. Such gestures remind me of God's love. His love for me, his love for you.

I know you'll never remember this day, but I hope the moments captured in word and picture will be a just representation of the difference your life has made.

Love you, baby.

Me & My Dad

2010-06-20T23:54:00.000-04:00

Ty thought matching Detroit Tigers caps would be the most appropriate gift, today, for his daddy.

Turns out he was right.

Happy Birthday from Daddy

2010-06-16T00:17:00.000-04:00

[Guest Post from Ben]

To my Little Buddy,

“Be not afraid of greatness; some are born great, some achieve greatness, and others have greatness thrust upon them” – William Shakespeare

Ty, a few weeks after you were born your Mom asked me to write down my thoughts so you could always know how I felt at the beginning. I had trouble at that time putting into words all that I was feeling and experiencing. To try and explain the day I first met you and first kissed you was an impossible task. It still is. From the moment I first held you, I knew it was love, but just saying the word love doesn’t seem to measure up to the overwhelming bursting in my chest that started that day you were born and which continues to grow each day - so much so that most days I can’t even handle it. I think about you and I know I’d give my life for you. I think about keeping you safe and I know I’d suffer unimaginable pain if it meant you could walk through life unscathed. I know that feeling, rather the aching necessity to keep you from harm, is irrational, but it’s how I feel. I now know exactly why parents never stop worrying about their children even into old age. It’s not a choice. It’s an ingrained passion you first feel the instant you hold your little one, and it never goes away. This passion for you Ty is made greater every day by who you are, and that’s the best part, Son. Who you are. Who you are every day. Who you are becoming, and the man you will one day become. One year seems like a short time to draw conclusions from such a young life, but I can absolutely say, Ty, that you are greatness. Here’s to the greatest year a father could have ever asked for, and here’s to my Little Guy.

While we were spending our first three weeks together, in June, in a mountainside cabin, with no air conditioning, you were a sweaty mess. You were grumpy and irritable and had minimal sleep. Or was that all me? I think it was both of us. Right there I knew we were going to be buddies.

You jump up and down and squeal when your Mama walks in the door. I feel that way about her too.

You love to eat, and you love to throw things. We’re gonna spend a lot of time together.

From the start you’ve been a lover. Rocking you to sleep in the nursery as you drift off to sleep with faint giggles and smiles is something I’ll never know what I did to deserve.

You are free with the kisses. We’ll revisit this one in about twelve or thirteen years.

You have the best hair. And eyes. And perfect lips. And cheeks. Seriously, you should see yourself. How I haven’t eaten you yet is beyond me.

We have matching Tigers beanies. It’s awesome.

We’re gonna go fishing with Grandpa soon.

Your Nana is absolutely amazing with you, and you love her.

You know how people always joke about baby boys peeing all over the place every time you change their diaper? Well you’ve never really done that. It’s been nice. Except for one time that was a complete sneak attack in the bathroom at a McDonalds, at the tail end of driving all day somewhere in rural Indiana. You soaked you. You soaked me. I think you soaked Ronald himself. I don’t think we’re welcome back. I was so tired. I don’t even remember what we did. Timing is everything buddy. Good one.

You’re a peanut. On the plus side, you have a nice sized head. That’s great for brains. The world needs doctors Ty. And point guards. Not everyone can be a giant. I think you’re perfect sized. Don’t get down just because other boys your age are shaving already.

I want a kiss. No really, I’m pausing to go give you a kiss……. Ok I’m back. Mom is jealous. We have a funny game at night before we go to bed. Each one of us tries to sneak in and give you kisses before the other one realizes it. You are so sweet.

You are really good in the bike trailer. We got caught in a monsoon the other day and you were a champ. Smiling and being all cute. No surprise there.

You drove cross country before you were a month old. You were lugged up the sides of waterfalls and rock formations before you were two weeks old. You flew back across country before you were a year old. You’re an adventurer. You didn’t really have a choice on this one. See quote at the top.

You were the sweetest boy and loved on your birth family the first time we revisited them when you were ten months old. I was so proud of you. This is another situation you didn’t choose. See quote at the top.

You’ve loved your Mama and me every day for the last year. This wasn’t your choice either. See quote at the top.

You see Ty, that’s the thing about greatness. I’m not here to say that you are great because you are the cutest baby that photographs have ever recorded. That’s a fact, but it’s not greatness. I’m not here to say you are great because of any of the normal reasons that parents brag about their children. All of those things certainly apply, but you, Son, were born into a unique situation and have been exceptional in it. Someday you’ll fully understand the circumstances that have brought us all together, but for now, just know that in the fallen world we live in, situations arise, but God’s redemption is always near. What the enemy meant for evil, our God uses for good. And you are more than good, Son. When other boys your age start to worry about girls and sports, you will have all of that, but will also have the added complication of continually learning and understanding more and more about your adoption. You didn’t choose this exceptional journey. You didn’t choose these challenges. Somehow, I think God knew you would excel, though. I know he didn’t create this situation, but I am certain that he was there working miracles to restore the lives involved and bring redemption to an otherwise impossible situation, on all accounts. You, Son, have brought healing to many. In your one short year you have delivered grace and love to those in need. By being you, Tyrus Lee Pinchback.

My amazing little lover buddy.

Sweet Baby Ty, Good times never seemed so good…..

- Dad

New Year - New Blog

2010-06-13T22:04:00.003-04:00

It's officially birthday week!!! We like to celebrate birthdays all week, around here, and sweet Tryus will be no exception. He might even get two weeks for being so cute...scratch that, we are celebrating for two weeks because his party isn't until the end of the month!

Can you guess the theme???

Because there were so many little people in my life turning one, this summer, I did some research to find the perfect homemade gift. God has planted a major SIMPLIFY seed in my heart, hence the birthing of our year's (and longer) motto: Live Simple, Buy Less, Give More. I've gone from enjoying simplicity to hating excess. When I see the work Compassion International is doing and I read about poverty stricken nations; a violent, abuse-strewn, American city; and watch some of our closest/longest friends stare at the remains of their fire ravaged, used-to-be house (yesterday), I know God has given to us so that we can give out.

How can we be an abundant, ever-flowing, outpouring blessing if we're racked with the I-need-more bug and endless debt????

We've always been very disciplined stewards of our money, but God's taken me to new heights this year...and I'm getting crazy thrifty...

All that to say, a new blog has birthed. Thrifty Heart. It's where I'll be writing out all the changes we're making, things I'm crafting, and money we're saving. I wrestled with a name for awhile because although I will be making many homemade things, I didn't want it to be a crafting blog...I want it to be a here's-how-our-life-is-changing-and-we're-able-to-give-more-and-live-on-less blog. When I looked up the definition for thrifty, I was sold. Thriving, prospering, growing. Perfect.

So...I hope you'll follow me as I try to weed through the jungles of "too much" in my life and learn to simplify. This place, of course, is staying and will continue to be the pounding out of my heart cries.

It sure took me a long time to finish my initial point. I came across the genius of bunting banners on my quest to make something special for all the birthday boys. Such a wonderful, classic way of inserting happy into any day! My hope is that each recipient will look forward to getting his special banner out, year-after-year, for his big week.

I just finished Ty's, this week, and it hangs proudly, through the entryway. It's the perfect amount of zig-zagged festive and makes me smile, when walking through. (The banner is several feet long and spells out "Happy Birthday Tyrus").

This tutorial, and so much more, will be coming soon over at Thrifty Heart. I seriously love this banner so much, I just told Ben I'm making more to hang for our birthdays (smile). Nothing says happy day like a crafted-with-love (only about $8 to make) banner. Love it!

Words from Rebekah

2010-06-11T14:43:00.001-04:00

A Lesson in Love

2010-06-09T20:08:00.004-04:00

I thought about it all day. Fine China. Candlelight. Racy red getup. Thoughtful gifts.

Last night was our 8th year wed and the year past meant more than most. Our night, however, was strangely interrupted with a call. A call from an expectant mom. An expectant mom looking toward adoption.

After much conversation, I had a choice. Me or her. My feelings or hers. Picking one to prefer was not natural or easy. I'm being honest.

Folded in the weaves of complication I found myself asking heartfelt questions. Have you truly thought this through? Do you know this will be one of the most difficult things you ever have to live with?

Our conversation ended with me promising further contact and a return call with phone numbers to help point her in the right direction. The crux was defining right. After a night of mind battling, I was able to honestly admit that her right and my right were not the same.

My right meant making me a mother of two - quickly, easily, less expensively. Her right meant choices - options with support and friendship and health. Consequently, her right takes away from mine. And mine hers. I hate that it was even a struggle. It's bothersome that, for a night, I put my needs above hers and was only thinking about me.

When you meet at the threshing floor, God exposes all sorts of kinks in your heart, but the beauty is in the grinding. The smashing of love and correction and grace.

I'm not so arrogant to believe that every available baby for adoption is meant for us. Part of our push to foster care is knowing the number of families lined up behind us to adopt, domestically.

Part of this young woman's right was connecting her with an agency. And for the adoption boo-hoo-ers, I connected her with both crisis pregnancy center and adoption hotlines. To be quite frank, her predicament has handcuffed her options. I'm not sure that parenting her baby is even a choice. Her situation is desperate. She has immediate needs and requires resources.

After taking some steps back it became clear that God has given me much opportunity to be his voice - not mine. I don't know what will come of this young girl and her precious baby, but I know that God has brought them into my life for a purpose. I am so thankful for the platform he's given me to love and his continued efforts of beating the self out of my heart.

A year ago, I would have looked at this woman with ravenous, envious eyes. Hoping/praying/begging for her to give me her treasure. Today, I see a hurting soul that needs a friend. A friend that is neutral, non-intrusive.

Such an Aha! moment to see the shades of change that I've come through. For that, I'm eternally grateful.

This is the mother I want to be for Ty.

New Book Release

2010-06-07T16:29:00.007-04:00

You know me. Well sort of.

I hope that you know I live my life wide-open, always looking for ways to expand my heart and knowledge.

Meet Kevin Hendricks.

He lives his life the same way.

He just wrote an out-of-box version of his son's adoption story. And I mean out-of-box. It's a collection of tweets that had me laughing, wondering, and inspiring on how God could use me. It's so much more than an international adoption story. It's a call to global awakening.

The exchange of whimsy between him and his young daughter are lightening to the heart, but an underlying challenge exists.

Kevin writes: "In an ideal world adoption wouldn’t be necessary. To anyone feeling like they can’t adopt, there are so many things you can do to ensure that children don’t need to be adopted."

Like mine, I hope your heart cried, YES.

Check it out. The book is:

Addition by Adoption: Kids, Causes & 140 Characters

It's $9.99 on Amazon and $2.00 from every book goes to Charity: Water to build a clean water well in Ethiopia. A lack of clean water is the #1 cause of infant mortality in Ethiopia, killing 300,000 kids every year.

You can check out Kevin's website, HERE, for more information.

Winner!

2010-06-06T20:29:00.003-04:00

And the winner is.....

Jenn from The Three Amigos!!!! Happy shopping Jenn!

Hope everyone enjoyed the sunshine, this weekend. Ty and I had great pool fun!

From his brand new teeth to his water logged toes, I couldn't get enough of this boy!!